


Forests, Fires

by delible_ink



Series: Heal and Slow [3]
Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Broken people being there for each other is LIFE, Caduceus Clay is nice, Caleb Widogast Deserves Nice Things, Canon Compliant, Gen, Getting Together, M/M, Slow Burn, Spoilers, Team as Family, Trauma, clayleb - Freeform, soft
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-24
Updated: 2020-08-29
Packaged: 2020-09-25 21:23:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 26
Words: 151,094
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20378344
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/delible_ink/pseuds/delible_ink
Summary: Some soft in-canon Clayleb for y'all. Lots of feelings, plenty of fluff. Strong appearances from all the Mighty Nein, and as always, Caleb/Mental Health is the OTP. But damn if Caduceus isn't a wonderful way to get there. (guys, I adore clayleb. this is purely an outlet for it.)Episodes are noted in the chapter summaries so you can avoid spoilers as needed.Starting at c:2 e:62, buckle up for character driven, relational goodness with our resident assholes, plus Caduceus who is a pastel-goth darling.





	1. Making a House a Home

**Author's Note:**

> CHAPTER 1 Triggers: mild dissociation, panic/anxiety, mental instability, self-destructive thoughts  
I don't plan to go too deeply into that with this fic, but your health and safety come first, so if you're in a rough patch, be careful with you. The bulk of that mental badness happens at the beginning of the chapter.
> 
> In a non-trigger related note this first chapter is super domestic, because I need that today. Enjoy!
> 
> Takes place in episode 62

_ “I am no friend of the empire.” _ The words echoed in his mind, roaring like the sea, but with none of its comfort. Part of Caleb would do anything to be back at sea. Back in the ocean where everything washed away. He let his mind drift to their time on the _ Mistake _ and the _ Ball Eater _. The sound of the waves, the ocean air.

Unbidden, Caduceus’ voice crept into his mind _ “I think the world is shaping you into something important.” _ Caleb felt his breathing accelerate as his mind snapped to the Bright Queen’s throne room. What they had done. What **he** had done. “ _ Something important _ .” Well, this was something. This was the plan, this was _ always _ the plan. Wasn’t it? The Cerberus Assembly had to be stopped. This was the most logical choice. No one else would suffer. No more brain-washing. No more innocents murdered, like his parents...

Somewhere inside Caleb’s mind, Bren Aldric Ermundrud demanded to be heard.  
_Bren was horrified. “Treason! We committed treason! There’s no way back now. No one can save us. How could you? The empire is HOME. The empire is EVERYTHING. Astrid will never love you now. Wulf will never take you back. You’ve destroyed us--again! And for what? Your own selfish gain. Master Ikithon was right, you are weak. You are useless. You have no vision for the greater good.” Bren hated himself, hated Caleb. He was afraid and alone, and no one could protect him._  
  
Caleb flung himself off the bed, as if physical movement could shake him free of those thoughts and the spiral they were headed towards. He was in his bedroom in the newly settled Xhorhaus. The only other furniture was a bookshelf he’d taken from the library, a small table, and a washbasin with a mirror hanging above it. Caleb couldn’t look at the mirror right now. Instead, he spent the next several hours occupying his mind with his spool of thread, alarming the windows around his room. Setting an alarm at the door. All permanent. He let the spell expand in his mind, forcing out the other thoughts. He felt a hot tear sear down his cheek, then another. He ignored them and continued casting. They would stop eventually. 

When he felt there was nothing else he could possibly safeguard, Caleb sighed heavily. He could still sense his anxiety pushing against the back of his mind. He needed distraction. He left his room and immediately found Nott. 

Caleb hadn’t seen Nott this happy since...he had never seen Nott this happy. She was animated, laughing and smiling as she and Yeza concocted tools and treasures in the Library/Laboratory just outside Caleb’s room. Nott looked up and waved to him, her smile faltering a little when they made eye contact. She’d seen his troubled look instantly. She squeezed Yeza’s shoulder and crept over to Caleb. Internally, Caleb cringed with guilt for interrupting them. She didn’t deserve to be bothered with his problems.  
  
“Thank you Caleb. I can’t--” Nott looked back to her husband, affection and bewilderment fighting for a place in her expression. “I can’t tell you what this means” she finished weakly.  
  
Caleb smiled down at her “Anything for you _ schatz.” _

To almost anyone else, Caleb would have seemed tired, but happy for his friend. Nott knew better. Nott was with Caleb after the asylum. Nott knew the distance in his look, the sorrow at the corners of his smile, the fear in the tenor of his voice. She took his hand, but her eyes fell to the floor.  
  
“I’m sorry...about what I said in Felderwin. I...I shouldn’t have...it wasn’t fair to you.”

There was a moment’s pause, then Caleb crumpled to the floor pulling Nott into his lap. “You do not have to apologize to me, my friend. I know what my people are. I am only glad I could help you, and get you back to your family.”

Nott clung to his neck. Caleb had been her family for years now. He was her boy. She hoped he knew that. She wished she could make him know that. She pulled back from the hug enough to look Caleb square in the eyes. “You’re having a bad day. Don’t try to bullshit me about it--I know. I’m not going to argue. If you don’t want to talk about it that’s fine. Just…”  
  
Caleb’s expression was frozen, but he held her gaze. Nott’s heart broke a little. She was torn. She was rebuilding herself, but someone had to help Caleb rebuild, and Nott didn’t know how to do that.  
  
“...please do something good for yourself today.” She threw a furtive glance back at Yeza. “I promise it gets better.”

Caleb gave her a small nod “Ja, okay.”

Yeza looked up when Caleb shifted to the ground, raised an eyebrow and smiled. He couldn’t hear the specifics of their conversation, but he knew the gist. Veth had been trying to speak to Caleb about this for a while. She needed her friend. Yeza couldn’t imagine what would have happened if Veth and Caleb hadn’t found each other. He turned his attention back to the laboratory table, glad to give them a moment. He didn’t know how to thank Caleb for reuniting him with his wife, but honoring their friendship seemed like a good start.

Nott ruffled Caleb’s hair and kissed his forehead before scampering back to Yeza’s side. She was almost immediately lost in conversation with him. Caleb gingerly picked himself up from the floor and exited the library, waving to Yeza, who gave him a wink and nod when he passed.

He took time to alarm the Library/Laboratory doorway as well. Just in case.

* * *

Caduceus had been hoping to catch Caleb all morning. After he had finished the first shrines and shown everyone around the garden, he realized he needed a place for Caleb and Nott, but especially Caleb. Caduceus was nothing if not perceptive, and he noticed immediately how Caleb had put himself away from the others when they chose their quarters, his room on the first floor with two rooms and an entire staircase between him and the rest of the house.

In the brief period since they’d moved into the Xhorhaus, Caduceus saw how Caleb would pace aimlessly. He’d lost his roommate, and was floundering to figure out his place now that Nott had Yeza back. Of course he was happy for them, but that didn’t mean there wasn’t a loss. Caleb struggled to let anyone in, and now the person he was closest with was rather otherwise occupied, and Caleb didn’t want to be in the way of that. Caduceus thought about the empty space that must leave in Caleb's heart.

He decided to make a space for Caleb that didn’t carry the weight of the many things he wrestled with. Something open, something he could look forward to. It had taken a lot of dedicated work, and some help from Jester to get the carving right. He only finished it this morning before he came down to cook breakfast. He didn’t expect to see Caleb then. He got up so early, usually Yasha and Fjord were the only other two who were up to have tea and a meal at that hour.

When Caleb didn’t join the rest of them for lunch, Caduceus began to worry. He mulled it over as he cleared the table and washed up, shooing Jester off with Beau and telling her she’d have the chance to help with chores tonight.  
  
His thoughts drifted back to Caleb: He’d been spending long hours in his room, and without Nott to check on him, Caduceus wondered who would. He thought back to Felderwin, when they found out Yeza had been kidnapped. He remembered Caleb’s visceral reaction when Nott unleashed her grief and anger towards him. Caleb had been alone then, and Cad held him. He had a weird feeling at the memory. It was painful, but there was something in picking up Caleb that sparked warmth towards that moment. Cad remembered how Caleb had told the horrific story of his past, and how he had done his best to ignore it and drive the cart, so that Caleb could feel like he had some privacy left. But when no one looked after Caleb, when they slept in the crystal caverns and Caduceus sat up to watch over their found family, he saw Caleb cracking. He did what he could then. And again beneath Asarius, when Caleb was charmed into attacking his friends, Caduceus did what he could. Followed him when they returned to safety. Tried to ease his pain. There was a tug in Caduceus’ chest at the thought of those two events. Whether the Wildmother was telling him something about his friend, or he just wanted to help, he couldn’t say, but he knew he needed to do something about Caleb.

For now, that something was fixing him a plate, and pulling a stone from the oven to keep it warm. Food was an easy way to tell someone you cared about them without scaring them off. Hopefully Caleb would be hungry soon and come looking for it.

* * *

Caleb wandered on through the first floor of the house. No one in the training room. No one in the dining room. He could smell roasted vegetables. His stomach growled. Following the scent, he found the kitchen empty too, clean, except for a plate piled with roasted mushrooms, onions, and root vegetables, sitting on a warm stone from the oven. Next to it, a note scrawled in loopy, uneven lettering read:  
  
“Mr. Caleb-

Missed you at lunch. Please don’t forget to eat.”

He didn’t know what he expected from their resident cleric/cook, but was surprised nonetheless. Caduceus could have just left the pan on the stove, or just made enough for whoever was there. But the plate had his name on it, and it was much easier than trying to cook for himself. Caleb tucked into the meal, and savored it. It was warm, earthy and welcoming. It reminded him of home cooked meals in the winter after playing in the snow... 

Caleb stopped chewing abruptly, and scraped the remains of the meal into Caduceus’ compost bucket, washed the plate and stalked on, not sure what he was looking for, but certain of what he was trying to avoid.

He found himself in the first floor of the tower, where they had fashioned a hot tub in honor of one vibrant, purple tiefling. The M.T. Spa would have left Caleb alone with his thoughts, and added opportunities to dwell on another loss. Another failure. He missed Mollymauk. Molly could distract anyone from anything with his boisterous attitude, his charm, his smile. He was magical. He was gone. Caleb shook his head and moved up the stairs. 

On the second floor he could hear chatter from Jester and Beau’s room. He headed towards the sound. Beauregard had a gift for kicking him out of these moods. She was blunt and gruff and Caleb found that oddly comforting. But once at the door, he couldn’t bring himself to knock. He heard Jester’s peals of laughter and Beau snorting at her own joke. He didn’t need to bring Jester into this, and if Beauregard was enjoying herself, the last thing she needed was a mopey wizard looking for a pep-talk.  
  
One door over, he could hear Fjord snoring loudly. Afternoon naps were much easier in a place that was always dark. Fjord deserved the break.

Caleb walked quickly through the War Room, and into the Happy Room, also empty. Peering out the patio door, he saw Yasha meditating, a look of intense focus on her face, eyes closed. Silently as possible, he left the space so as not to disturb her.

_ Everyone else is managing themselves, Caleb. Why can’t you? They don’t need you. They don’t even want you. What are you doing here? _  
  
Caleb felt his pulse pick up again. He tried steadying his breath and walking faster, as if the voice was something he could outrun. He found himself climbing up to the last floor of the tower, not really realizing where he was until his head popped into Caduceus’ roof garden.

“Mr. Caleb!” The glad, gentle rumble of Caduceus’ baritone pulled Caleb into the room from his agitated thoughts. Caduceus wore his loose linen pants and a gardening apron, shirt discarded so he could dig freely in the dirt. He turned to Caleb, brushing his hands down his apron and extending one to invite Caleb further into the room.

“It’s good to see you up here. Did you eat?”  
  
“Ja. Thank you. I didn’t...you really didn’t need to...thank you. It was gut. You ah...it’s gut to see me here? Did you need something? I have spells prepared. I could bring up more dirt for your beds or--?”

Caduceus had been working in the stone beds that he and Yasha planted, tending to some bulbous and alien-looking plants, adjusting their lights and adding some stones to the soil. The containers were about hip high to him, meeting Caleb just below the chest. Caleb found a spot in the curve of the stone and leaned against it, looking up at Caduceus and waiting for direction.

Caduceus laughed, but there was a tinge of disappointment to his expression. Caleb didn’t quite catch it. “No, I don’t need anything. It’s just good to see you. I was just thinking about you, actually. Here--” He reached out and put a hand on Caleb’s back, and guided him towards the giant tree that occupied the bulk of the space.  
  
“I made a shrine for everyone. We were missing two the last time you were up here. I wanted a place where you can all come and enjoy the garden and the things that are most important to you.” Caduceus moved them past the symbols of the Traveler, the Stormlord, and the Knowing Mistress. They walked around the pool of water that was a nod to Fjord’s patron, and Caleb noted that Caduceus had decided not to include eyes or any other markers of Uk’otoa. That seemed wise. Caduceus didn’t need to point out the Wildmother’s shrine, though he smiled with a soft pride when it drew Caleb’s eye. She was everywhere in this garden, but the idol Caduceus had made for her was particularly skillful, and Caleb was impressed.

“...Nott gave me some of her treasures,” and Caduceus pointed to a small hollow just above the tree roots, about 3 feet from the ground, where Caduceus had arranged a pearl ring, some buttons, beads and other trinkets in a visually pleasing display.

“I just wanted to make sure everyone felt welcome. I was struggling a little to find something for you, Mr. Caleb...” Caduceus continued in an almost nervously chatty fashion, steering them around to a more shaded corner of the tree, next to the stone cave Caduceus had shaped for his bed. In a recess about 4 feet up, he had carved a small wooden book on a plinth, open to a blank page. Beneath the carving, the tree had a perfect reading nook formed among the roots, and Caleb was certain he could read there for days. Caduceus gently pushed Caleb towards it. Carefully crafted, but with the unmistakable loops of Caduceus' lettering, the blank page read:

_ I am the Master of my Fate _

Caleb’s fingers traced the letters, and he began to tremble. A shock of emotions crashed into him, affection and fear, disbelief, anguish, hope, and despair, all came toppling onto him. 

  
Caduceus’ expression changed instantly from one of satisfaction at a gift well given, to one of deep concern as tears started to prick the corners of Caleb’s eyes. He took a step closer to Caleb, and Caleb turned his face upward to meet Caduceus’ gaze.  
  
“Cad--” Caleb’s voice broke.  
  
“Mr. Caleb?” 

“It’s...it’s very thoughtful.” Caleb choked out lamely. He scrubbed at his eyes as if reacting to an allergy. “I…” he looked back at the carving. It struck at the heart of what he had told Caduceus when he gave him the periapt of wound closure. He didn't want anyone to decide his fate. Fate had been too cruel. This gift pointed to a hope that he wouldn’t always be controlled by his past, trying to break it or escape it. But today--today he didn’t trust himself with his fate. He was spinning with no way to stop. The little space Caduceus had made for him snapped the last thread that was keeping Caleb’s composure.

“Caleb” Caduceus said again gently, and he cupped Caleb’s face in one hand, studying his expression carefully. “What’s happened today? What are you running from?”  
  
“Bren” Caleb said, barely above a whisper, and in one fluid motion, Caduceus pulled Caleb against his chest.


	2. Names

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The stage is set! On to the feelings! Did I say the last chapter was domestic? Because this chapter is domestic AF. Gotta make the most of it before we leave the Xhorhaus for a while. We've got some good family moments in here, and some general fluff. Rest easy, kids.
> 
> Takes place in ep. 62

_Bren_.

Caleb has spoken that name to Caduceus on one other occasion. It was right after Felderwin. It was the only other time Caduceus had held him like this.

Caduceus tried to be careful with Caleb’s boundaries, especially when it came to physical touch. Caleb put very intentional barriers between himself and others through his mannerisms, his clothes, the spells he cast to keep himself and his friends safe. The last thing Cad wanted to do was lose Caleb’s trust, or cross a boundary that could hurt him. But he recognized the tears when he heard that name, and since he couldn’t reach into Caleb’s mind to quiet those thoughts, he would try to reach him some other way.

Caduceus felt Caleb fall against his chest. He began breathing deeply, hoping Caleb would start to mimic the pattern. He pressed Caleb close, one arm tight around his shoulders, the other hand gently covering his hair.

“Caleb. You are Caleb Widogast. You are part of the Mighty Nein. You are standing under a big tree. You are with a friend. You are my friend Caleb and I’m very glad to see you today.” He wanted to list simple facts for Caleb, but if they were too specific, talking about Xhorhas, mentioning family, he could make things worse. He tried to choose his words carefully. He fell into deep breathing, and let that be his focus.

  
Caleb found himself sinking into Caduceus’ alarmingly thin frame. His head hit just below Caduceus’ sternum, in the hollow between his ribs, a cavern he could hide in.

_ He was stupid for coming up here, for bothering Caduceus with this, for bothering any of them with his pathetic, broken mess. _

But Caduceus held Caleb tight enough to stop his shaking, and the deep rumbling in his chest was soothing, a little like Frumpkin’s purr, but bigger. The static in Caleb’s head started to dissipate, and the rumbling slowly morphed into words:  
“...are my friend Caleb and I’m very glad to see you today.”

Caduceus noticed Caleb’s body start to relax. He kept breathing. 

“Caleb?”

“...hrrmm?” Starting to come back to himself, Caleb was embarrassed by how childish he must look to Caduceus. He didn’t pick up his head, but stayed muffled in the front of Caduceus’ apron. 

“Breathe?”

Caduceus exaggerated his breathing a little, until he felt Caleb match the rise and fall. He counted 10 breaths. His hand moved from Caleb’s head to his back, brushing along the length of his spine. He heard a muttering from Caleb “...ein...zwei...drei...vier…”

Caduceus recognized the words. Caleb paid for things this way. He was counting. Counting? Caduceus kept breathing and listened, tuning into Caleb and himself. Heartbeats. Caleb was counting Caduceus’ slow, steady heartbeat. Caduceus felt his face flush, and his heart sped up almost instantly. He tucked that feeling into the back of his mind for later consideration.

Slowly, Caduceus pushed Caleb back, both hands on his shoulders, and searched his face.  
“Hey. Mr. Caleb? I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to overwhelm you like that. I should have noticed--”

“Nein.” Caleb shook his head. “Thank you, Cad--Caduceus. I am the one who should apologize. You made me a wonderful present. I did not receive it properly.”

“You did. You received it very well. It was meaningful to you, obviously. Just, maybe the wrong time for it. Thank you for telling me, about Bren. Trusting me with that again. You did the right thing, to come look for someone. Did something happen to bring it up?”

Again, Caleb shook his head. “I do not think so. Just sometimes…” he shrugged, unsure how to translate his feelings into Common.

“Grief is like that,” Caduceus offered. “It can sprout unexpectedly, at unusual times. There’s a lot of grief for you in that name. It makes sense that it would creep up when you finally got some calm, especially with...everything we’ve been getting into. But I know we’re on the right path here. We’re doing the right thing. You’ve just been by yourself a lot...” He trailed off, unsure of how much he should say about his observations of Caleb’s activity lately.

Caleb gave a small nod and shifted. Caduceus let go of his shoulders, a little surprised that Caleb stood on his own. He reminded himself that Caleb was stronger than he looked, and he’d carried this particular weight for a long time. The real strength was that he had let someone support him at all. That was a very big step. This had not been as bad as it was in the caves. As Caleb’s panics go, from what Caduceus could tell this had been minor, and Caleb had chosen to find him--find a friend, instead of letting it fester. This was good.

Caleb took a deep breath and forced it out of his lungs in a huff, reaching his hand out to touch the wooden icon Caduceus had made him. “Danke, mein freund. Eh, Thank you. For this. I think perhaps I needed it today.”

Caduceus gave a lopsided grin. “You know, I thought you might. Would you like to try out your reading corner?” His ears swished hopefully, and Caleb felt a hint of a smile color his features.

“Ja...alright.” 

Caduceus disappeared momentarily and returned with a shawl in one hand and a book in the other. He handed them to Caleb and gestured for him to try out the space. Caleb fitted himself snugly into the reading nook, and inspected the shawl. “What, ah do I do with this?” 

Cad’s left ear flicked and he tilted his head as if baffled by the question. He knelt in front of Caleb and wrapped the shawl around his shoulders. “Get comfortable.” He said it as if it were the most obvious thing in the world, and then he was gone, shuffling around in his stone hut.  
  
Caleb wrapped his hands in the shawl, absently toying with the fringe, and read the title of the book. He smiled. It was the book he had given to Caduceus after the dragon encounter in the Happy Fun Ball. Of course. Caduceus probably didn’t have any other books. He started to read, but between the warmth of the shawl, his emotional exhaustion, and the dappled light beneath the tree, he didn’t stand a chance. He was asleep in minutes.

* * *

He woke with a start when he heard clinking glass. With a sharp inhale he flew upright. Whirling his gaze, he found the source: two ceramic tea cups and a matching teapot, pale yellow chased with powder blue. A blur of pink and grey loomed across from him as Caleb passed a hand over his eyes.

“Hey” Caduceus smiled. “Sorry, I didn’t know you were asleep.”

“Ja. Neither did I. I am sorry. It is a very good reading nook. Too good, maybe.” 

Caduceus laughed and handed Caleb a tea cup. “Here. It’s a relaxation blend, though it seems like you might not need it now.”

Caleb reached for the cup, fingers brushing against Caduceus’ as he did. He breathed in the smell, and took a sip. The warmth oozed slowly through him, like honey, but without the cloying sweetness. “Mmmm. It’s gut. What is it?”  
  
“Kava root, with licorice and a little cinnamon” Caduceus told him, lifting the lid of the teapot so Caleb could inspect the elements. “My own blend.”

“This is the second best use of licorice I have ever experienced.”

“Well, it is hard to beat Haste.” 

Just as Caleb was settling into the moment, his brain began catching up with his actions--crying, Caduceus’ warmth enveloping him, the touch of their hands--but before he had a chance to over analyze the experience, something else tripped his thoughts.

_ Ping. _

The Library alarm. Not a problem. Nott and Yeza were probably just leaving.

“Everything alright?” Caduceus asked, sipping his own tea, carefully eyeing Caleb. 

“Ja, sorry. I ah, have an alarm set for the library. But it’s just Nott and Yeza.”  
  
Caduceus nodded. He thought about Caleb setting alarms in their house. It seemed unnecessary to him, but maybe it was just something Caleb did to occupy himself. Something productive to do with the fears he carried about his past. They sat together and sipped their tea, Caleb running his fingers around the rim of his cup, Caduceus turning over in his mind the matter that brought Caleb up here in the first place. Finally he found something like the words he wanted to say.

“Caleb you don’t have to tell me, but, I want you to know that I care about you. I can’t say I fully understand what you’re going through, but if you want to tell me more of what you were running from today, what part of Bren got hold of you, I’d listen. I’d like to listen to you.”

_ Ping. Ping. _

_ Ping. _

“Fuck. Fuck!”

Startled, Caduceus put up his hands “You don’t...I’m sorry. I didn’t mean--”  
  
Caleb was on his feet, flying towards the door. He called behind him “Alarms! My room… ** _fuck!_ **” he vanished in a blur down the ladder from the rooftop garden. 

It took Caduceus the better part of a minute to process what Caleb had said, but when he did, he grabbed his staff and bolted for the door below.

* * *

  
Caleb practically fell down the stairs as he ran, clutching his amulet. There had been three distinct chimes, all inside his room, all coming from the door. He thought about the chime from the library. He thought of Nott, Yeza. 

Three chimes.

_ Astrid. _ _ Eodwulf. _ _ Trent. _

_ No. No no no no no...not here. Not them. No--- _

Hastily casting mage armor and readying a firebolt spell in his hand, he burst through the library. It was empty. No sign of Nott or Yeza, but a chair was tipped over. The door to his room was ajar. He hurled himself forward and flung the door open.

* * *

“Caaayleb! You’re not supposed to be back yet!” Jester whined from her position on the floor, paint brush in hand, flailing in exasperation at being caught. “You said he’d be gone for at LEAST an hour.”

Beside her, Nott was shoving her lock-pick set back into a side pouch. “Well, normally he is!”

Yeza met Caleb’s eyes with a look of sincere apology and exasperation, “I tried to stop them, Caleb. I’m so sorry, they just...they’re so _ strong _.”

Caleb blinked in shock and dropped his spells. “What in _ fuck _ are you doing in here?”

“I wanted to paint you a mural” Jester said sweetly.

“I thought you said you were going to paint dicks in here. I wouldn’t have helped you pick the lock if I had known it was just going to be regular _ art, _” Nott replied with tangible disgust.

Just then, Caduceus came sprinting into the room, staff in hand “Caleb! Ca--”

The wave of fear and cold sweat that had hit Caleb when he saw the empty library twisted into nausea, then skewed slightly manic. Caleb broke into laughter, shaking his entire body.

Caduceus took stock of the scene, and identified the culprits immediately. The Nott The Best Detective Agency was apparently turning, or rather returning, to petty crime. He noted the small trail of phallus-shapes in a slightly darker shade than the wall color, running along the baseboard next to Jester. She only had time to finish three and a half before Caleb caught up to her.

“Jester, Nott,” Caduceus began sagely “maybe, if you want to paint dicks on the wall, you should try it on someone who doesn’t use such elaborate security systems?”

Yeza looked at Caduceus with a sense of relief “That’s exactly what I tried to tell them!”  
  
Caduceus lifted Jester to her feet. “I was going to make sweet potatoes and roasted nuts for dinner, with greens from the garden. Do you want to help me? We have cream. Maybe you could make us cupcakes for dessert.”

At the mention of dessert Jester was immediately on board, and Caduceus followed her out of the room. He glanced back at Caleb and smiled gently, mouthing an apology before disappearing out of sight.

“I didn’t mean to scare you, Caleb. Sorry. I thought it might cheer you up when you found it.”

Caleb regained his composure and rested his hand on Nott’s head. “It was a good idea, _ schatz _ , and of course I’m honored to own an original Jester Lavorre on my bedroom wall.”  
  
Nott brightened and stuck her tongue out at Yeza “I TOLD you he’d like it.”  
  
Yeza rolled his eyes “That flame in his hand earlier suggested otherwise,” but there was a smile in his words, and he took Veth’s hand. “I think maybe we should leave Caleb’s room in peace for a while, all the same.”

Caleb nodded “Perhaps for a little while. I will see you at dinner, ja?”

Alone in his room, Caleb sunk to the floor, and ran his fingers over the drying paint of Jester’s unfinished dick border. It was cleverly done, almost imperceptible until you were looking at it from the right angle, at which point it was a trail of expertly rendered male anatomy. He fell backwards and stared at the ceiling. Maybe he’d let her finish it tomorrow.

He brought the sound and weight of Caduceus’ breathing to mind, closed his eyes, and began counting.  
“ _ ein...zwei...drei…” _

* * *

Dinner was a noisy, rambunctious affair, but Caleb was grateful for the din of his fami--this group of assholes. Beau punched him jovially, demanding bacon to add to her plate. Jester had talked Caduceus into preparing some to make Nott & Beau happy, even if there was already more than enough to eat with Cad’s sweet potato bake, toasted nuts and dressed greens. 

There were indeed cupcakes, or something that resembled them, although they were rather dark, somewhat lopsided, and overburdened with frosting. They disappeared in seconds nonetheless, and Yasha declared them they best cupcakes she had ever eaten, raising her glass to Jester. It did not go unnoticed that she downed the remaining contents of said glass immediately after, but no one mentioned it. 

Fjord made a show of relishing his cupcake, as Jester eyed him intensely while he ate. He turned a violent shade of green when she swiped over the corner of his mouth to catch some errant frosting, and sucked it off her finger. 

Caleb began clearing plates, and whispered to Jester as he passed.

“Very smooth.”

She turned to Caleb with a look of pride and he gave her a small wink. Part of Caleb envied Jester. For a child raised in a brothel, she had remarkable innocence and optimism about romance. She’d never been burned by it. Never had it used against her...never had to use it as a tool or a weapon. He hoped she never would. Perhaps he would have a word with Fjord.

In the kitchen, Caleb set to cleaning up while Nott and Yeza taught the rest a card game. Caleb thought it was only fair to sit out, since he knew exactly how Nott won every time. He chuckled to himself when he heard Beau shout “Cheater!” from the dining room, but bluster and fumble when Nott told her to prove it. She was too good.

As Caleb wiped down the stove, he heard a low, rumbling hum behind him. He turned to see Caduceus humming a tune to himself, drying and putting away the pile of dishes Caleb had just washed.  
  
“Cad, eh, Herr Clay. You made dinner; it’s not your turn to wash up.”  
  
Caduceus looked over at his friend, considering the idea. “Huh, I didn’t think we really took turns. I just do what needs doing.” he replied with a shrug.

“In my house, as a child, we always said the cook gets the night off.” Caleb’s voice got softer. It was a good memory, a practice he’d like to keep, treating people fair. Never putting too much burden on one person. His papa cooked as often as his mama. He remembered their playfulness with each other, how they worked together, almost in a dance around the kitchen. He found himself staring at the floor.  
  
“Excuse my reach, Mr. Caleb.” Caduceus had crossed the room and was looming next to him, placing a hand on his shoulder as he reached up to put a roasting pan on the top shelf behind the stove. “It’s a good tradition; I hope you don’t mind if I break it sometimes. I might be the only one who can reach all the tall shelves to put things away. Besides, I’m not so good at cards with Nott.” He dropped his hand back to his side.

Caleb smiled in spite of himself “Ja, that seems fair.”

The chores were done, but neither moved from their place. After a moment’s silence, they both spoke at once, bumping into each other’s words:  
“Thank you for toda-” Cad started.  
“I-I am sorry about earl-” Caleb stuttered.

An awkward laugh and a smile passed between them.

“Please don’t apologize for coming to visit me Caleb,” Caduceus pushed on through Caleb’s protest. “Even if you feel poorly about the state you were in, I don’t. I admire you. Really I do. You were brave today and...and I’d like you to come visit me more often. Maybe even when you’re not feeling so out of sorts.”

Caleb’s ears felt hot. “You are too kind, Herr Clay.” 

Caduceus saw the flush creeping up his neck, all the way to the edges of his ears. It was endearing.  
“Um...Cad.” He said cautiously.

Caleb looked up from the floor tile he’d been boring into with his gaze. “Vas?” He asked it softly, confused.

Caduceus cleared his throat and scratched the back of his head. “Today, actually a couple of times, and once or twice before that, you called me Cad...It was nice.” He looked sideways, unusually shy.

“Oh.” 

There was a long pause before Caleb continued “Ah, thank you too for today, Cad.”

Caduceus grinned and brushed a lock of hair from Caleb’s eyes. 

“Why don’t we, ah, go see about that card game? I think I can show you a few tricks to beat our small green friend.”

“That sounds like fun.”

The two bumped into each other trying to make for the door, but sorted themselves out by the time they got to the dining room. Caduceus sat in on the next hand, Caleb next to him, whispering pointers. He didn’t win the first few hands, but by then end of the night, he’d beaten Nott twice with the help of his sly teacher.

* * *

It was well past midnight by the time everyone headed for bed. With a week left until their rendezvou at the Overcrow, the Nein were more than happy to spend some enjoyable nights together. There had been far too few of them lately. In pairs and trios they headed upstairs, until Caleb and Caduceus were the only two left in the foyer.

“G’night y’all! An’ Jessie--keep it down tonight. I wanna get at least 8 hours of sleep before the mornin’” they heard Fjord call from upstairs. 

“It wasn’t me-ee! Blame Beau!” Jester called back.

Caduceus and Caleb grinned at each other. “Like siblings,” Cad observed. 

Caleb shook his head “School children, more like.”

“Well, I like them, whatever they are” Caduceus sighed contentedly. “Looks like it’s time we turn in too, Mr. Caleb.” 

“Ja. Guten nacht, Cad.” Caleb took a hesitant step towards him, not sure how to say what he wanted. 

Caduceus closed the gap with his long stride, and wrapped Caleb in a hug. His thin linen shirt was much softer than the canvas of his gardening apron, and Caleb automatically found the spot between his ribs to rest his head.

“Good night, Caleb.” The rumble vibrated through Caleb’s bones and he found he didn’t want to let go. He squeezed Caduceus, and Cad traced a gentle circle around Caleb’s back before they both let go. Caduceus retreated quickly to the stairs while Caleb nearly sprinted to his bedroom.

* * *

Lying in bed, Caleb breathed deeply, as Caduceus had done. He summoned Frumpkin and laid him on his chest. The familiar knew his role by now. His agitated and restless owner always needed help sleeping. He purred loudly until Caleb drifted off to the imaginary sound of a familiar heartbeat. Caleb didn’t recall his dreams that night, but there was a sense of soft grey fuzz, and the smell of tilled earth, kava root, licorice, and cinnamon when he woke.

In the moments before sleep, Caduceus looked up through the opening in the roof of his hut. He watched the leaves flicker in the pale green lantern light of Rosohna. He meditated on the events of the day, as usual. Today was a good day. He had been helpful. He had enjoyed his friends. His mind flitted back to moments with Caleb, counting his heartbeats. Tea. The tickle in his chest during cards, when Caleb whispers touched his ear. The brush of his lips was purely accidental, of course. Caleb was leaning forward to tell Caduceus his next move, and Beau thumped him on the back for helping Caduceus win...but the feeling made a space for itself in Cad’s heart nonetheless. 

_ Cad. _

Caleb called him Cad. Something started to take root in Caduceus the more he thought about it. He cared for his new family, all of them. He wanted to see what was in store for them, wanted to help them grow. But there was something different about the way he cared for Caleb. Something special. He took that seedling and carefully placed it in the warm soil of his heart. 

“_Mother_,” he prayed in a whisper, “_I’m not sure what this is, but I would like it to stay. Please keep it safe_.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I will probably do an earlier one-off for this series in the crystal caves where Caleb first tells Caduceus about Bren, if you'd like to read that. Also maybe the conversation after the succubus' charm-person business and Cad's temporary death, again, if it seems like you'd be down to read that. 
> 
> Chapter 3 is our last chapter of domestic Xhorhaus goodness. Battle angst and feels, here we come!


	3. Gifts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Get your pillow-forts ready friends, because this is some Fluff. Like, you could tin this and sell it as marshmallows. I've got plans for Bazzoxan, and they can wait, because our boys won't get a chance to be this soft for a minute.
> 
> Takes place in ep 62
> 
> Thank you for all the comments and support! Wow. I am really and truly delighted. I will do those one offs for you, mentioned in chapter 2's notes. I can't say when chapter 4 will be up, but it probably won't be before next weekend, because work, adulting, and human relationships are important things.

Downtime in the Xhorhaus was welcomed by every member of the party, though some got to enjoy it more than others.

Nott never imagined she would get this time back with Yeza. In fact, at first she wasn’t sure she wanted it. This wasn’t her body. This wasn’t what she wanted to be. But with every interaction, Yeza was intent on showing Veth that he loved her, every bit as much as he had before.

Caduceus was still finding his place outside of his grove, and for so much of that he’d been alone. The world moved faster here, but he treasured every moment with the people who found him. The Wildmother had given him a new life to experience, and for all its pain, it was truly beautiful. The time she was giving him now, to tend his garden, teach Yasha about flowers, feed and care for his plant and humanoid charges, this was sacred, and the pace now was more familiar. The moments with Caleb were especially precious.

Caleb struggled to let himself enjoy anything, and with weighty tasks on his shoulders, he threw himself into work, learning whatever Essek would teach him. Caduceus didn’t know a lot of the specifics, but he knew dunamancy had been in Caleb’s sights for a while, and now he was finally getting to use it. He was glad to see Caleb so animated, but recognized with it Caleb’s strong tendency to neglect himself. Cad started bringing meals to Caleb’s room if he missed one. Thought of inviting him up to the tree for the evening. Caleb was more likely to say yes if it was for Caduceus, and Caduceus found he wanted more time alone with Caleb. As long as Caleb wanted that too, he didn’t see any harm in asking.

A bowl of yogurt, strawberries and honey in hand, Caduceus knocked on the door.  
“Just me. Are you hungry?”

Caduceus heard shuffling, and Caleb opened the door, hair sticking up in places, eyes wide, a smudge of ink across his cheek. He smiled up at his friend. “Cad. Come in.” The door swung aside and Caduceus ducked in. Papers were scattered on the bed, on the small desk that Caleb had added to his room, and there were chalk drawings on the floor.  
  
“It’s late,” Caleb chattered, clearing a space on the bed for Caduceus to sit, and bamfing Frumpkin into his lap. “What are you still doing up?”  
  
“Caleb, um, it’s after breakfast…”

Caduceus held the bowl out of Frumpkin’s way, and scritched below his chin. His eyes were set on Caleb with mild concern. Caleb always knew what time it was.

Caleb paused, and looked up for a moment in thought. “You...oh, you are right. I did not realize…”

“You haven’t slept since you got back from Essek’s last night, have you?”

“Nein, well, sort of? There’s just...I do not know how long I will have access to his library, and I can only borrow so many books. The faster I get them back to him, the more I can read…”

Caduceus stood up, gently placing Frumpkin back on the bed. He took Caleb’s hand, palm up, and placed the bowl in it. Caleb held the bowl, and allowed himself to be pushed into the desk chair.  
  
“Eat.”

“I am not-”

“Eat.” Caduceus repeated. His voice was still calm, still gentle, but it was not a suggestion.

Caleb took a bite, and felt the hunger he had been ignoring flare. Caduceus took an empty glass from his nightstand and filled it with water. He handed it to Caleb, and Caleb drank greedily.

Caduceus watched him with curious fascination. “You forget that you’re human, I think. You’re not made of ink and parchment, Mr. Caleb.” Seeing Caleb eat, Caduceus was relieved that his body at least knew it was organic material, even if the brain seemed to forget.

“I just want to be as useful as I can be.”  
  
“You’re more than useful, Caleb. You’re our friend. We want to see you well. You should take care of yourself.

I...I’ve missed you in the garden.”

Caleb looked up from his bowl, “I’m not much use in the garden, and you have Yasha…” He was trying to parse what Cad missed about him. I was absurd to think Caduceus just wanted to see _ him. _

“I’m not asking you to be useful, Caleb. I liked...having tea the other day. I’d like more time like that. Maybe, you can read to me. I’m not sure I’ll understand your books, but I like stories. I enjoy your company.”

From the edge of the bed, Caduceus reached out and put his hand on Caleb’s knee. “You do a lot for us, Caleb. We appreciate it, we all do. We could stand to say it a little more often. But, we also just like you.” He paused.

"I think you have another meeting with Essek today, yes?”  
  
Caleb nodded “This afternoon.”  
  
“Time enough for a nap before then?” 

“Ja. That would probably be a good idea.”  
  
Caduceus smiled at him. “Good. Let’s clean this up. You get some sleep, and come see me this evening?”  
  
“I...I would like that, ja.” There was a shimmer in the blue of Caleb’s eyes when he smiled.

“Good.” Caduceus gave him a warm grin and took the now empty bowl. “I will be back in a minute.”

While Caleb cleared his papers, Caduceus went to the kitchen and reheated the kettle. In his dried herbs he found licorice, catmint and passionflower. He added a very small amount of valerian root, and let it steep. In minutes, he returned to Caleb’s room, and found he had organized his papers, removed his book holsters, and was hanging his shirt on a hook.

“Thank you, Caleb.” 

Caleb jumped at his voice, not realizing he had returned. “For…?”

“For taking care of yourself.” Caduceus handed him the tea. Caleb breathed in the sweet scent, which had earthy, musty undertones, but finished with a clean note. He wasn’t sure he was as fond of it as he was of Cad’s relaxation blend, but he felt a drowsiness wash over him the instant he drained the cup.

Caduceus turned down the covers, and took the cup from Caleb, who willingly crawled in bed.

“See you at dinner, Mr. Caleb.” Caduceus smoothed the blankets over him, his hand lingering just a moment on Caleb’s shoulder.  
  
“Danke, Caduceus.” Caleb muttered “Danke.”

* * *

Caduceus found himself oddly giddy the rest of the day, oscillating between anxious and excited. He busied himself with small projects, thinning some plantings, transferring others to larger beds. Yasha & Beau spent the morning sparring, which meant he had hungry people to feed at lunch. He always enjoyed that, and they loved his cooking all the more when they’d worked up an appetite for it.

But even with the distractions, snippets of this morning kept popping into this train of thought:  
_ Caleb’s exited, messy face in the doorway. _

_ Caleb smiling at him _

_ Caleb getting ready for bed, layers stripped away… _

“Where are you today?” Yasha asked. Caduceus’ ears twitched up in surprise.  
“Oh.” He thought it over. “I don’t...I guess I don’t know.”

They were working together in Yasha’s flower bed. Some of the seedlings were ready to be planted, and they had the afternoon to get them situated in their new homes.

“You seem like you’ve been there a lot the last few days, but especially this morning.” Yasha’s conversation was always a bit of a surprise to Caduceus. It was easy to look at her and see a dark, scary being who hacked down her enemies and drank 3 pints of ale for breakfast. Inside, so much of her was a gentle girl, savoring the sweetness she so rarely saw. Then again, many people would see Caduceus and think he was a sweet, dopey farmer without a care in the world. There was a mystery inside everyone.

“I don’t think it’s a bad place, wherever it is,” he told her.

_ “Danke, Caduceus...” _

“Definitely not a bad place. Maybe just something new.”

They finished with the seedlings, and Yasha checked their work. Caduceus stooped down and picked up a stone pot. He began filling it with drainage rocks, then soil. He carried it around his garden, searching. Yasha followed.

“A present?”

Caduceus nodded. 

“For someone special?”

“...very” Cad breathed softly.

Yasha smiled to herself. “What about that one?”

She was pointing to a leafy plant with no blooms, but stunning foliage. The leaves were a pale green, with heavy green veins. The stems and central veins were a vibrant magenta. She thought it looked like Caduceus.

“Not too flashy?”

“Not too flashy.” Yasha affirmed. “I think it’s just right, for someone special.”

“They are...not a very showy person. I wouldn’t want to…”

“They’re not, and you won’t. He’ll like it.”

Caduceus blushed, and looked at Yasha in surprise.

She clapped him on the back. “It’s a good present.” She took off downstairs to wash up before he could question her.

Caduceus began digging up the plant, humming to himself.

* * *

Caleb woke rested beyond reason for only 3 hours of sleep. He stretched and dressed, and left to meet with Essek. He managed to beg two more books to borrow off of him, and asked if he knew of any bookstores in the area.

“You won’t find a better collection of arcane writings than mine, Mr. Widogast.”

“No. Ja. I do not doubt that. I am, uh, rather looking for a different kind of book. Legends? Myths? Not academic. Just stories. A gift for a friend.”

Essek nodded. “Well, I can’t say you’d find much in the way of that here. But if you go to the Gallimauphry district, you can find Lantern Lighter’s Literature. It’s about four blocks east of the Dim’s Inn.”  
  
Caleb nodded enthusiastically and shook his hand. “Lantern Lighter’s Literature. Got it. Danke. Thank you, Essek. Til tomorrow!” He was out of the door in a flash.

“A strange man, to be sure,” Essek remarked to himself.

One hour and six silver later, Caleb emerged from Lantern Lighter’s Literature with a paper wrapped tome tucked under his arm: _ Dark and Light Nights _. The cover had a beautifully etched silver moon stamped into the leather, the title scrawled across in white ink. The shopkeeper assured him this was the best compilation of Kryn stories available. From what he could gather, it was something like the faerie tale legends of the empire, and probably Cad could relate it to some of his lore of the Savalirwood. It had beautiful illustrations for each story, which he thought Cad would like.

As soon as he was back in the Xhorhaus, Caleb took the book to his room and inscribed it:

_ You are a bright light. Please ask me to read this whenever you wish. _

It was selfish, Caleb thought, buying a book in Undercommon. Cad wouldn’t be able to read it without him. But it couldn’t be helped. There were no copies in Common, certainly none in Giant. Caleb could use _Comprehend Language_ and make do. Satisfied with his inscription, he went to look for Nott.

“Yeza, have you seen Veth this evening?” 

Yeza looked up from his burner and turned down the flame. “You know, I think she’s in our room. Treasure inventory” he said fondly. 

“That’s our girl.” Caleb grinned. He held up the end of a gold-plated seal, broken free from its handle. “Found this in Gallimauphry today.”  
“She’ll love that! But make her trade for it. It’s not as fun without a bargain.”

Caleb gave a nod and strode up the stairs. He felt unusually light.

_ Knuckle. Knuckle. Finger drums. _

Caleb thrummed against Nott’s door.

_ Scritch. Scritch. _

The sound of Goblin nails against the wood came in answer. 

Caleb turned the handle and let himself in. “We haven’t used it in a while. I wasn’t sure you’d remember.”

“Of course I remember, how dare you!” Nott retorted in mock offense. She was surrounded by her collections, arranged by type: buttons, marbles (more than a few of which were glass or wooden eyes), ribbons in a rainbow of decay, all manner of broken precious stones and metals, and several unidentified mammal claws.

“Your husband told me I might be able to strike a bargain with you for this” he held up the seal. The gold had flaked off in some places to reveal the pewter base. The stamp was an ornately scrolled “D.” Nott inspected it, and reached out to take it, but Caleb pulled his hand away “Not until you tell me if you’ll trade.”

“Well that depends on what you want, Caleb.” Nott would of course give Caleb anything he asked for, but if he wanted to play a game, she loved games. “I mean, that’s not even a letter in my name. So, it can’t be worth that much.”

“Yes it is. It is your middle initial: D. For Delight.” 

“Kiss ass. That’s not going to get you a better deal,” but she was grinning from ear to ear. “Now, what do you want to swindle me out of?”

Caleb sat down on the floor across from Nott and eyed the collection. He spotted a wide teal ribbon with yellowing lace stitched down the center. It was perfect. “That.” Caleb pointed. 

Nott picked up the ribbon and inspected it carefully. “This? Why?” There was a strong tone of suspicion in her voice. 

“Because I estimate that is the best value for my trade. And it suits my purpose.”

“Aaaand what purpose would that be?” 

Caleb opened his mouth and shut it again. “I don’t have to tell you.”

“You do if you want to trade. That’s my deal. You can have the ribbon if, and only if, you tell me what you want it for...and you give me the seal.”

Caleb thought on it. 

“I will give you the seal, you give me the ribbon, and then I will tell you.” He was enjoying this almost as much as Nott.

“Deal.” She held out her empty hand, ribbon in the other, and they exchanged.

“Well? What’s your big purpose for this ribbon?”

“It is a bookmark for a friend.”

Nott’s eyes gaped.

“A friend? A _ friend? _What kind of friend? Who is she? He? Is it Essek? If he hurts you, I’ll kill him!”

“Nein, no, it is not Essek. Calm down. _ He _ is not going to hurt me. It is not...we are not even...it is just a gift.”

“Who else do you know that you are giving gifts to? Who else do you know around here with books?”

“Nott, we are not doing this. I told you my purpose. That was the deal.”  
Nott paused, deep in thought.  
“Oh! Oh! You gave Deucey a book on the _ Ball Eater _ , and you gave him the necklace--! Caleb! The bookmark is for Deucey!”  
“I didn’t say that and we’re not--he hates when you call him that.”

“It IS him! Caleb, if you don’t tell me who you give bookmarks to, how am I supposed to keep you safe?”

“I am sure you do a fine job without tracking my bookmark givings” he laughed.

They grinned at each other, and Nott determined she was satisfied. “If it is...if you are giving it to Caduceus, and you guys---I’m not saying you are but if you _ were _\--a thing, you know you could talk to me, right?”

“Ja, meine freundin. I know that. But we’re not. At least I do not think we are...Caduceus is gut. Very gut. And he is kind.” Caleb hated talking about his feelings. The vulnerability was bad enough, but trying to put it into Common...the language just wasn’t built for it.

“He takes care of you.”

Caleb nodded. He wasn’t sure where his relationship with Cad was going, but he thought about this morning, when Cad brought him breakfast and put him to bed. He thought about how he didn’t feel shy when Cad saw him without his shirt, and how the bed felt oddly cold when Caduceus left. Nott’s voice pulled him out of his head:

“Then have fun. Be safe. Don’t gross me out.”

* * *

They ate dinner in the happy room that night, lounging, drinking and telling stories. Caduceus found himself looking at Caleb throughout the evening, and more often than not, Caleb was looking back. Caleb snuck downstairs with an excuse about more ale, grabbed his book for Caduceus, tied in paper and the ribbon he won from Nott, and left it upstairs, placed in his nook under the tree. When he returned he poured the promised drinks, met with cheers from Beau, and Fjord. Caleb was a bit befuddled to find Nott and Yasha had moved places, leaving the most available seat a cushion in front of Caduceus. Caleb discreetly cocked an eyebrow at Nott, who gave the smallest shrug. Caleb took the open space.

Warmed by the ale and the company, Caleb leaned back against Cad’s knees. Caduceus felt a _ zing _ in his chest and smiled down sheepishly. Caleb looked up at him, blissful. Cad wished he could see Caleb like this every day.

Cad gently scratched Caleb’s back, then stood. “Friends, I think it is time for me to call it a day.” 

Goodnights chimed all around, and Caleb’s eyes followed him.  
  
“I think that is a gut idea for me as well. Schlaf gut, all.”

Yasha smirked into her drink. Nott shouted “JESTER! Can you teach us a song from your mom’s work? She sings so well, and Yeza has never heard her.”

Caleb made a mental note to thank Nott later for her distraction, unasked for as it was. He and Caduceus weren’t...he didn’t know what they were. This was just...reading. Stories with a friend. A nice, quiet bedtime ritual. It wasn’t even a ritual. They hadn’t done this before. He was glad in any case that no one was going to ask him nagging questions. He took the ladder up to the roof garden two rungs at at time.

* * *

“Cad?”

Caleb’s voice was soft, matching the lights in the garden. It was enough to read by, mostly because there appeared to be a lantern set near Caleb’s reading nook.

  
Caduceus poked his head out from behind the tree “Caleb!” He was grinning, and the lantern on the ground behind him cast a pink halo around his hair.

“You are sure I am not...it is not too late? I do not wish to keep you up.”

“I am very sure. Thank you for joining me.” Caduceus walked him back over toward the reading nook. Caduceus picked up the lantern while Caleb reached for the book.

“I have a gift for you.” They said in unison.

Caduceus laughed. 

“You first.” Caleb offered.

Caduceus held up the lantern, which turned out to be the pale, leafy plant in its stone bowl, with one of his daylight bottles attached to hang about it. The green veins were underscored in the soft light. The magenta seemed to glow. 

“The bottle is so you can keep it in your room. A little piece of...the garden. To keep you company…”

Caleb was transfixed.  
“ _ Oh! Du bist’s _!” he whispered.

“I don’t...um?”

“Sorry. It is beautiful, Caduceus. I... I like it very much. Oh, ah, here--” He fumbled with the book, taking the plant from Caduceus. Caleb cradled it as something very precious, and watched eagerly as Caduceus untied the ribbon.

Caduceus’ long, elegant fingers ran over the lettering on the front. “It’s lovely Caleb. I...I don’t know if I can read it…” his ears drooped slightly. Caleb reached out and opened the cover, turning to the inscription. Cad read aloud, slowly:  
  
“You are a bright light. Please ask me to read this whenever you wish.

Oh, Caleb.” Caduceus felt a little knot in his throat.

“They are, ah, they are stories. Faerie tales. I hope that doesn’t seem too childish. I thought perhaps you would enjoy these, at least as much as the book on plants. It is in Undercommon, but I can read it…”

“I would like that very much. Can we read one now?”

Caleb nodded and set his plant down, using the daylight bottle to read. Caduceus ran and grabbed a shawl from his bed. Caleb smiled and gestured for Cad to sit, then situated himself beside him. He leaned against Cad’s chest, so that Caduceus could look over the top of his head to see the pictures. Caduceus wrapped a corner of his shawl around Caleb’s thin frame.

“Is this, ah, alright?”

“Ja. I am very happy here, Caduceus.”

Caduceus felt butterflies in his stomach, finally realizing for himself what that phrase described. Carefully, he put an arm around Caleb, and Caleb began to read the first story.

It was slow going, as Caleb translated into Common while he read, but Caduceus liked the pace, and as the daylight spell around the room dimmed, he rested his cheek against Caleb’s hair. Cad’s lids drooped heavily near the end of the first story. The light was too low to read by. Caleb marked their place with the ribbon and closed the book, resting his head against his friend. He listened to Caduceus’ breath, his heartbeat. Caleb smiled to himself. Caduceus was asleep.

_ I should go. I am taking advantage to stay like this. Caduceus will think-- _

Cad shifted a little, waking himself. “Oh. Hey there.” His voice was a gentle growl, thick with sleep. Caleb instinctively turned his ear against Cad’s chest.

“I didn’t mean to fall asleep on you. I really liked the story. I just felt so comfortable. I guess it reminded me of home. Thank you, Caleb, for the book. Thank you for taking time to read it to me. It is a very generous gift.”  
  
Drowsy and savoring the feeling, in spite of himself, Caleb didn’t move. “Perhaps, we could do this again tomorrow?”

Cad’s arm pulled slightly closer around Caleb’s waist. “I’d like that.” 

“Then I’ll be here.” Caleb tilted his head up to look at Caduceus. He studied the curve of his jaw, the long, smooth lines of his neck. He wanted...this was...a lot. This was too much. He didn’t deserve any of this.

“I--I should go.”

Cad recognized the change in Caleb’s tone. Boundaries were something he respected, and while he wasn’t sure what exactly had caused the shift, he wanted Caleb to know he was safe here. He was sorry to feel Caleb’s stiffness return. It didn’t usually come from a good place. But Caduceus was new to this, and if his friend needed space, he would help.

  
Caduceus stood, and offered Caleb his hand to help him up. Caleb took it.

“Thank you, again, Caleb. I really enjoyed this.” 

Caduceus didn’t let go of Caleb’s hand.

Caleb ducked his head “I feel like I should be thanking you.”

Caleb didn’t let go either.

“Then we will just have to do this again. Tomorrow?”

“Tomorrow.”

Cad walked Caleb to the ladder door. He squeezed his hand gently, and Caleb squeezed back. 

“Goodnight.”

* * *

  
  
For the rest of their evenings before the rendezvous at the Overcrow, this became their nightly ritual. Caleb would come upstairs and read to Caduceus. They talked about the stories, sometimes Cad would stop Caleb to study one of the pictures, or tell him how it was similar to one of his own legends. Caleb did his best to avoid staring too long at Caduceus, wanting too much. But he was drawn to the warmth of their time together, the way he fit so neatly under Cad’s arm. Their easy conversation. One or the other usually fell asleep, waking later to head to their own beds. On the last night, they both slept, and when Caduceus woke up, the daylight spell was beginning to revive. It was nearly dawn in the garden. He curled tighter around Caleb, nuzzled his hair, and drifted off, content. Still asleep, Caleb held on firmly to Cad’s arm. Breakfast could wait.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Generally I let context translate my Zemnian, but for this one, we had a little hidden gem:  
Du bist's (or du bist es if you fancy): It's you
> 
> D&D Factoids:  
Technically, I don't believe you can make a daylight spell mimic the rise and set of the sun in terms of timing, but since the Mighty Nein took liberties in bottling it in the first place, I figured I'd take it a step further for Mood.
> 
> PLANTS!  
The plant Cad gives Caleb is a caladium variant, if you want to put one in your shade garden. They're lovely.  
I do drink tea, and thus far everything I've written is an actual blend, useful for that purpose. That being said, valerian root makes some people sleepy and some people trippy. Have a care if you're playing with it.
> 
> Thanks for making this adventure so fun!


	4. Faith & Failure

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spoilers for Ep. 63-65, early 66
> 
> A lot of introspection in this chapter, from several members of the Mighty Nein. Heavy on the team as family vibes, and strong on sleepy cuddles, because I LOVE sleepy cuddles.
> 
> Also, some theories about that empty span of time when Caduceus was abandoned in the Blooming Grove.
> 
> Caleb has some nasty inner-monologue, so heads up. Remember the lies you believe about yourself are lies, and you're not garbage, especially if you relate to the ways Caleb thinks about himself. Trauma's real. Be careful.

In the hazy space before waking, Caleb rolled over, allowing himself to enjoy the warm liquid light from behind his eyelids. The only reason they started reading the book was so Caleb could do something nice for Caduceus, but this little ritual had done so much for himself. He was sleeping better. The nightmares were less frequent, less intense. His bed felt safer, and not just because of his alarm spells. He wrapped his arms around the pillow, hands balled into the linen pillowcase, and buried his face into a familiar musk, and a soft rumble thrummed through his body; the tickle of Cad's fuzz scratched against his beard. He froze.

He never left last night.

Caduceus stirred as he felt something shift beside him. Looking down he saw Caleb nuzzle into his chest. 

_ He and Nott used to sleep like this a lot on the road. I bet he's missed that. _

Caduceus thought about how much he liked holding Caleb like this. He used to sleep in a pile with his siblings when they were small. It had been a long time since Caduceus had that, and the years he’d spent alone in the Blooming Grove...he’d missed that warmth and the feeling of being surrounded by others so much. But this was different. It felt more secret. More personal, more _ his _.

Bringing his other arm up, Cad enveloped Caleb, and pressed his face to Caleb's hair and breathed in his scent. Caleb's whole body tensed.

"Caleb?" 

Caleb didn't move. He didn't look up. His hands didn't let go of Caduceus' shirt. He didn't breathe.

"Caleb," he tried again, a little louder. "Are you awake?"

Thinking of the nightmares they had seen Caleb battle on the road, and how sometimes he would seize up in his sleep, unable to be woken, Caduceus tried rubbing his back slowly. 

"It's a dream. You'll wake up soon and you'll be safe." 

He said it to himself as much as to his friend.

Caleb was mortified.

_ Pathetic. Stupid. Disgusting. Weak. Monster. You used Caduceus to indulge your childish fantasy last night and now he's got to deal with you like this? Now you're begging more of him, letting him comfort you while you pretend to sleep?You maggot. Cry. Vomit. Piss yourself like the wretch you are. You're nothing. He'll find out you're a liar. A murder. Hiding won't change that. Sleep won't erase it... _

The vitriol spiraled through Caleb's mind, all in Trent's voice, but Bren's fear and guilt were mixed with it. The panic had frozen Caleb, but the shame wrenched him out. Caleb released Caduceus' shirt and pushed himself backwards along the ground. 

"C-ca-caduceus, I-I am so sorry--"

"Why?" Cad's voice was genuine, soft. His brows knit in confusion and he noticed the small bloom of pain in his chest when Caleb pulled away. 

"I did not mean to overstay...to make you…I did not realize…" Caleb's words were tumbling out of his mouth, all coated in fear.

Caduceus breathed in deeply, exhaled slowly, and shifted into a sitting position against the base of the tree. He hated that whatever this was seemed to be ending so soon, but he was determined to do whatever was best for Caleb. "You didn't make me do anything, Caleb. I like reading with you. And being here with you. If I had known you didn't like it--" 

"I do not _ not _like it, no. Caduceus. I just, it was...eh" Caleb struggled for words. "I know you do not, that is, we are not.."

Caduceus believed in being honest. It didn't occur to him to be anything else. The truth was the safest, the best thing any conversation had. His mother had said that.

"Caleb, I like that we slept here last night. I woke up this morning and you looked so happy. It felt so peaceful. You deserve that. No. You do, please. So I went back to sleep. If you are not comfortable with that, I understand. I don't ever want to hurt you. I care for you a great deal and I would like you to feel safe here, whenever you want to be here. But I don't want you to stay with me if you don't want to. If I overstepped, I would like to apologize."

Caleb's eyes lifted a fraction as Caduceus spoke. Caduceus had reached across the ground towards Caleb. His hand rested between them patiently, willing to give whatever Caleb needed.

"You should not have to put up with me…" Caleb mumbled, but his hand inched closer to Caduceus'.

"I want to. It’s not putting up with you. And I liked...that you were still here when I woke up.” Cad admitted, barely above a whisper. His fingertips flexed against the ground.

Slowly, Caleb closed the distance between their hands. Caduceus gave a gentle tug, and Caleb let himself be pulled to his chest again. Caduceus' shirt hung open, and Caleb felt the warmth of his skin against his face, and pressed in to feel his heartbeat. Caduceus hugged him close. Caleb could feel his breath ghost over the shell of his ear:

“Thank you, Caleb. Thank you for this.”

"Cad?"

"Mm?"

"DEUCEY! We've got a big day, the Mighty Nein need coffee, and nobody makes coffee like you!" Nott screeched as she rounded the corner of the tree. Caleb was scrambling to an upright position. "Exactly what I was thinking, Nott. Let's go get the kettle on. Caduceus will be down to brew in a minute, won't you?" 

"Uh, ah, yeah. Of course. Coffee. Got it." 

"Come on Nott, let's not bother Caduceus…" Caleb practically pushed her out of the roof garden.

He was several steps below her on the stairs when she voiced her self-satisfaction:

"Looks like the bookmark is working." 

"Nott, we talked about this. We are, we are just reading."

"Sure, Caleb. Of course you are. All night long, reading, reading, reading." 

Caleb turned to face her, "It wasn't-" 

She met him with a full, delighted, wicked grin. She pulled a long pink hair off of his shirt, and picked a short grey one from his cheek. Dropping both into his hand she gloated, "Your hair is a disaster, _ Mr. Caleb _ . Thought you'd want to know before anyone else asked about your _ reading _session." She cackled and scampered ahead of him down the stairs.

Caleb looked down at his hand, and turned scarlet. He brushed the hair aside and descended the rest of the stairs, a tiny smirk creeping into the corner of his mouth.

* * *

This had not been their day. Neither was yesterday. Or last night. This was all one big fuck up. 

The audience with the Bright Queen did not encourage Caleb. They were hoping to stop a war. They were not counting on their new allies to be as relentless as his home country. _ Maybe not as relentless _, Caleb reminded himself, absently scratching at his forearm. 

From there, things did not improve.

“Okay, so the moth didn’t work out, and there were some people we didn’t know would be there, and we kind of killed the wrong guys, and now we have to go waaaaay far north through some bad places to get the other guy, who I guess knows _ Yasha, _but like, that’s all gonna be fine, you know? That’s all fine. We’re good.”

“Jester, I am afraid we do_ not _ know that it is all going to be fine.” Caleb never played the optimist, and certainly not now.  
  
The party tramped towards the Xhorhaus, frustrated and exhausted, to retrieve their moorbounders. Jester sent a message to update the Bright Queen on their assignment at the Overcrow, trying to give the impression that things were still more or less under control.

Caleb found himself wishing to go back to yesterday morning, before Nott came looking for breakfast.

* * *

From there, things _ continued _ not to improve.

Another fight was the last thing he wanted when Caleb saw Beau wincing and holding her side, but that was all this place had to offer them. Attacked by the ghastly, mournful, hungering Sorrowsworn in the Barbed Fields outside of the ghostlands, it was becoming all to clear that this journey was not going to be easy. It may not even be possible, and they had so little to go on.

By the end of it, Fjord would have been killed were it not for Jester. Caleb was thrown unconscious, and Caduceus rushed to his side to revive him. No one knew how Beau, her body her only weapon, managed to make it through, but of course, her response to this was to make sure Yasha caught the show. It was bravado, or just down right cocky, but underneath it, Beau was looking for something. She would be as hard as she had to be, take as many beatings as the world could give to prove...well, what she was trying to prove was her business, and fuck anyone who tried to ask. 

_ You make vulnerability seem so easy _Bea had said.

_ It is _ Caleb told her. She didn't believe that, especially coming from Caleb.

For as much as Beau connected with Caleb, he was impossible to understand. He never spoke up for his own needs. Fuck, when she’d tried to talk to him after that shitshow in Felderwin--really any time she’d tried to talk to him about the things he’d told her about his past, he went practically catatonic, if he didn’t get fucking pissed and storm off.

But just now, he feigned injury for her sake. If he was the one with two broken ribs, she was sure he wouldn’t have said dick about it. Then again, if Caleb had two broken ribs, he’d probably collapse.

Nott was deeply shaken by the day’s events. She hit her flask heavily that night, shadowed in her cloak near the fire. She’d gotten too comfortable in their house, too comfortable with Yeza. She liked the thought that they could have peace. She liked seeing Caleb pursue something that was good for him, and Caduceus Clay was about as good for anyone as it gets. She was ready to forget this life. 

But then she’d seen her boy go down again, and the reality of their life on the road came roaring back to her. She hated watching Caleb get hurt. She hated it every time. It never got easier, no matter how many times he fell, no matter how many times he was healed. She had lost her life once. The family she might reunite with felt worlds away. Her heart couldn’t bear another loss, not of any of them, but least of all Caleb. Her first life was enough. Molly was one more than she could bear. She took a long draught and waited for Caleb to finish his work casting the hut. He always tried to keep them so safe. She wished like hell that he could.

Jester finished laying Beau out on her bedroll, bandaging her wounds and prescribing a good night’s sleep and a not-so-fresh pastry. Beau scarfed it down in one gulp, awkwardly patting Jester’s thigh in an attempt at exhausted thanks. Caduceus saw to the rest of their friends with tea once the hut was set and the fire going. Jester did her best to help, but couldn’t stop touching her cheek where Fjord had kissed her, in thanks for saving his life. Caleb noticed the kiss, and Jester’s reaction. 

_ I definitely need to have a word with Fjord, _he mused. He sat down next to Nott as Caduceus, satisfied with the wellbeing of his charges, took the severed heads from his bag, and began the process of speaking with the former inhabitants.

“Are you alright, _ schatz? _”

“I’m fine Caleb. I’m fine. What about you?”

“I ah, have been better. I do not like this place. I do not like any of this. But I am alright. Caduceus--”

“I know. I saw.”

Neither of them looked at each other, but stared into the dancing flames.

After a moment, Nott curled against Caleb’s side, and continued to drink. He put his arm around her.

Caduceus came around to explain their plans for tomorrow, how Jester had scryed on the man called Oban, and that he seemed to be looking for an opening at the foot of a mountain. He offered them a second cup of tea. Caleb accepted. Nott didn’t respond.  
“We should probably get some sleep. Jester and Yasha are on watch.”  
“That is very kind of them.” Caleb felt a tiredness permeate his bones. He got to work with Nott’s bedroll, and then his own. It was always tight quarters, sleeping 7 people inside a 10’X10’ space, but none of them really minded the closeness anymore.

Caduceus saw that Caleb had laid his bedroll close to his own, and was caught unawares by the warmth it sparked in his chest, and the delicate ache in his arms. He shook himself and got into his blankets, hugging his pillow as usual.

“Nott,” Caleb gently shook her shoulder. She was awake, but didn’t seem to really be here. “You are sure you are alright?” 

“Yes, Caleb, I’m sure.” She put her flask away and looked up at him. He could see she was exhausted. 

“Let’s get some sleep, ja?”

The fire dwindled to glowing embers, and the party took to sleep.

Caduceus tossed and turned that night, at some point throwing his arm around Caleb. He stilled after that, pulling his body against Caleb’s. He woke when he felt a sharp nail catch his ear.

“Sorry,” Nott whispered. “I didn’t realize you were...here?” 

Nott was sitting up by Caleb’s head, keeping watch on her own and running her fingers through Caleb’s hair.

“It helps him sleep,” she explained.

“Oh.” Cad’s ears flicked nervously. “I didn’t realize I was here either.” He started to pull back from Caleb, feeling embarrassed that he had so casually wrapped himself around Caleb without asking.

“It’s okay.” Nott assured him. “He’s a light sleeper. He’d have moved if he didn’t want you there.” She pointed to their hands, and with the faint glow of embers, Caduceus could just make out Caleb’s hand, pressing Cad’s tight against his middle.

“Caleb doesn’t sleep well on his own.” It was strange to think that she was actually having this conversation with someone. But from what she had seen, and what she knew now from Caleb, Caduceus was likely going to start living in the more vulnerable parts of Caleb’s life. She wanted to make it easier for Caleb. He might not know what this relationship was yet, or he might know, and be trying like hell to ignore it. Caduceus probably had no clue what to call this, but Nott could see, and she was glad Caleb wasn’t so alone.

“Thank you, Caduceus, for taking care of him today. Caleb is...Caleb is my family, and I can’t always help him.”

“Nobody can always help…”

She nodded to herself in the dark. “Hm. Get some sleep, Deucey.”  
“G’night, Nott.”

Caduceus was the first up to make them breakfast and get the moorbounders ready. Though he tried not to disturb Caleb, he felt Caleb wake when he moved away, and hazily reach for him as Caduceus stood up. “Go back to sleep,” Cad whispered, and pushed his pillow into Caleb’s arms.

* * *

After a late start to the morning, having to find Jannik, Yarnball and Clarabelle in their makeshift shelter under a tortoise shell, they trekked on. Nott spotted a tower in the distance that they made their landmark. In wastes full of creatures that loved the dark and gained strength from it, the Nein were glad to have two clerics on their side. Caleb noticed how Fjord watched Jester, full of gratitude and admiration, but colored with something extra. He got the sneaking suspicion he might have been giving Caduceus similar looks when he saw the expression Nott threw at him when they stopped to rest. Jester and Cad had just made short work of some gloomstalkers with their radiant spells. Before Nott could say anything to him, he darted off.  
“I need to speak with Fjord.”

Caleb came up beside Fjord, who was leaning against the scrubby tree they sheltered under.

“I just wanted to offer you a...a word of caution.”

Fjord furrowed his brow “Oh? What’d that be?”

“It is ah, about Jester…” Caleb stared intently ahead of them. 

“Jester?” Fjord lowered his voice “is she alright? Did somethin’ happen?”

“Ja, no, she is...I just wanted to say, ah, be careful with her, Fjord.”

“Careful?”

“Ja. Careful. Jester is a sweet girl.”

“Jessie’s real sweet. She saves my life on the regular. You don’t have to tell me..” Fjord felt hot under the collar and fidgeted.

“I think I do need to tell you. Just make sure you know what you are doing.”

Before he could say anything else, Caleb strode off to fawn over Jannik, scratching his giant head, despite the slobber. “Who is a very cute boy? You are. Yes you are..”

_ I think that went well. _ Caleb thought with a sort of contentment.

Fjord gnawed on a piece of jerky. _ What the fuck was that? _

* * *

As evening drew in, having scared off what they hoped was the last of their hostile encounters for the night, the party came upon the tower. Not a tower--a tree. A tree like nothing they could have imagined. It soared above them, far beyond any spire or building known to them, dwarfing the giant stones that gave the Barbed Fields their name. The foliage stretched for what seemed like miles, made all the more astounding by the barren ground surrounding them; a land where nothing grew, a land life had forsaken long ago. Caduceus slid down from Clarabelle and stumbled, wide eyed and gawking towards it.

“Have you ever seen--” his voice was reverent and full of wonder.

Caduceus was almost oblivious to anything happening around him. To the others, it seemed as if this spot was made for him to find, a gift from the Wildmother. He sat down immediately and prepared his space to commune with her. Caleb stole glances at him intermittently while the rest made camp. He wondered with a twinge of jealousy, what it must be like to believe in something. To trust and love something the way Caduceus did.

_ You know what that is like, you idiot. It nearly destroyed you. Do you wish to return to that? You’d do best to leave him alone. Take your own advice. He’s too good for you. You don’t belong in that world. _

Caleb pulled himself out of his thoughts, and lit the fire. He put water on to boil with Jester’s help. When he looked back again, Caduceus was putting away his incense. He looked downcast and there were tears in his eyes, but he didn’t offer to explain it. Caleb didn’t pry.

Caduceus was more subdued that evening. He had wanted to talk to someone. Caleb felt like the right person but maybe he wouldn’t understand. Maybe he would tell Cad to give up. Maybe he wouldn’t say anything. Beyond any of that though, Caduceus’ mind was turning over and over on the years he’d spent in the Blooming Grove, without his family. Without anyone. When even Melora’s voice had left him. Trapped. Waiting.

  
_Too big for me to fix...My own path...Mother please, don’t. I don’t want to be alone again. I don’t want to keep...to keep watching things die and not be able to help. Please. _

  
Caduceus laid on his bedroll and looked up at the tree above him. He couldn’t help but feel reassured, but a lump still formed in his throat, and silently tears streamed down from the corners of his eyes. It was then he felt a warmth envelop him. 

_ Caduceus, I am not forgetting you. You are not alone. You are doing well. You are on my path, guarding my children. Rest now. Rest and do not fear. _

A warm breeze rustled through his hair, and the leaves above. Caduceus inhaled the verdant scent of the tree, and gave himself up to sleep.

Caleb kept to himself that night, and woke as he had slept: without Caduceus or Nott beside him. He wondered if the Wildmother had said something to Cad that had upset him, if she had turned on him, like Caleb feared she might.

But not even Caleb could resist the beauty of this magnificent tree in its glorious morning, and seeing his friends race to the branches above, and Nott uncertain beside him, he took the shape of an eagle and carried her up to the top.

The view was electrifying--and then terrifying. They had disturbed a nesting roc, and as it dove to make a meal of his friends, Caleb threw a feather fall spell to catch them. _ No rest for the wicked _ he thought to himself.

The moorbounders tore across the wasteland with the time they had bought themselves in temporarily transforming the roc into a bat, and the party pushed hard towards their destination. Haggard and more than a little run down, the Mighty Nein had arrived in Bazzoxan.

* * *

Their quarters at the Ready Room were far from private, but after their nights in the Barbed Fields, hostel beds and floor palates were luxury. The party decided to keep watch, just the same. Caduceus offered to take second watch with Caleb.

Lulled by the sound of Beau’s snoring and Jester’s tiny wheezes, Caduceus hazarded a conversation.  
“I’m sorry...that things have gone so sideways the last few days.”

“It is nothing we can control, I suppose. And you have nothing to be sorry for. I never, that is I forgot to thank you, for saving me the other day.”

“I like looking after you, Caleb. I wish it didn’t have to be in that way so often. Just because someone can heal you doesn’t make it hurt less when you get torn up.”

Caleb gave a quiet laugh “you are telling me.”

A comfortable silence fell between them, and Caduceus let his leg brush against Caleb’s as they sat watching the room. Caleb didn’t pull away, and Cad took that as a good sign.

“Caduceus, at Melora’s Tree, at the Arbor Exemplar, you seemed, well, was everything alright?”

Caduceus was quiet for a moment.

“Is anything ever alright?” he quipped. It was somewhere between a joke and a philosophy, but it felt reassuring to Caleb. “ I’m okay. We’re going to be okay. Just, sometimes things aren’t the way you hope they’d be. But the Wildmother helped. She always helps. I guess that’s faith: hoping for what you can’t see and trusting it’ll show up. That’s how I wound up here with you. I’m going to keep going. I’ll see it through.” There was a stern resolve to his voice, mixed with Cad’s usual warmth.

“Cad--Caduceus. I am sorry. I do not really understand what you have with your god. I am not-I do not have that trust. I am glad you are here with us. I am very glad for it. I cannot say that I know we are all going to be okay.” he stopped. He was looking for words. Caduceus tried to help.  
“Caleb, I don’t want to speak out of turn, but, from what I know of you, it makes sense that you don’t trust easily. I get that faith is hard. I don’t know what dealings you’ve had with gods, but I know...at least a little what you’ve seen of mortals. I am really impressed by you. I saw what you did for Beau, getting us to stop for her sake. I know how you are like family to Nott, and that hasn’t changed, even when we found her family. I see how you look after Jester. And how, despite everything, you’re coming to lean on all of us, like we lean on you. For someone who struggles to have faith, you put a lot of it in your friends. That’s enough Caleb. You’re enough.”

Caleb nudged the back of his hand against Cad's hand. Nervous. Hopeful.

Caduceus laced his fingers with Caleb’s. Caleb felt the tension bleed out of his chest.

“Thank you, Caduceus.”

“Caleb?”

“Hm?”

“Cad, please.”

Caleb blushed in the dark, and was grateful that Caduceus did not have dark vision. “Thank you, Cad.”

He tucked his head into Caduceus’ shoulder as they finished out their watch.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am SO excited for the character development I have planned for Caduceus, y'all! And my soft boys are getting so extra soft on each other. Eeee!
> 
> I've got 4 more chapters sketched out thus far, and two one-shots that I'll post as separate works. So, plenty more to come!
> 
> This chapter was a struggle. I'm still trying to find my pacing since this is set in cannon. I don't want to get bogged down in rehashing whole episodes, but want to provide enough context to keep the flow moving and engaging.
> 
> Comments and kudos are always appreciated. I created a tumblr for my Crit Role love. Hit me up there if you wish to do so. @delible-ink.


	5. Fallen Angels

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spoilers for Ep 66-70  
The Tombs beneath Bazzoxan reveal a lot about our boys. There's a lot of angst in this one, but it's for the best.  
Trigger Warnings: Mild dissociative self-harm

It was a palace of horrors. Miles deep into the mountain, the inscription at their first encounter chilled them to the core: _ "Build every bridge. Become every nightmare. Feast on every heart." _

Entering the tombs beneath Bazzoxan, they came to a chamber of 14 statues, angels kneeling, weeping blood. At their feet lay scattered corpses of Celestials from a battle long lost.

Jester hugged Yasha’s arm.

“I’m alright, Jester. It’s alright.” Yasha gave Jester a tight squeeze and smiled at her. “At least we know we’re in the right place, yeah?”

Jester wasn't amused by the joke. Caduceus tried to distract her.

“Jester, I think we could get some good information for these remains...do you think we might…?” He made a slashing motion across his throat.

“Caduceus, are you just going to put a severed head in your bag every time we find a corpse?” Beau chimed in with mild disgust.

“I’ve done weirder things. I think. Yeah, I’ve definitely done weirder things.”

The deeper they went, the greater the terrors they encountered. The first room was not the last one that was littered with bodies, but at least those first ones didn’t move. Giant spiders, electrifying mists, and hoards of undead only amplified the doubts the Mighty Nein had about following their mysterious quarry into this place.

Finally, at a subterranean cliff, with a great iron bridge stretching before them, they had to make camp for the night. Caleb cast the tiny hut, and found that tonight the small space was more than enough. Everyone huddled close as horrified screams, cryptic whispers and faceless voices rose from the chasm below.

Caleb hated this. The sounds rang all too familiar in his ears. He felt like he was back in the asylum, shouts ringing from beyond his cell; cries of pain or of terror, and no way to tell what was real. 

It was hell.

He needed someone, someone who could keep him from going back _ there _. Nott knew, she would understand. Wouldn’t ask too many questions, because she already had the answers. But when he looked at her across their tiny camp, she was listless and angry, squabbling with anyone foolish enough to speak to her. The loss of her flask was taking its toll on every interaction she had. She was on edge. She needed a drink. Caleb hated that too. But there was nothing he could do to fix it. He couldn’t fix her. He couldn't fix anyone.

His hands itched.

He was exhausted, and scared, and reliving places he never wanted to go back to, places he wished he could forget. He sat on his bedroll and closed his eyes. He wrapped his arms around himself and tried to breathe, but the asylum wouldn’t go away, and the place he actually was, was not better. It was a living nightmare. His connection to the here and now started to fade. His fingers dug into the flesh of his arms, but he did not release his hold. The screams and the voices of the pit clambered around him. He was shaking. He could feel blood start to pool beneath his fingernails--and then warmth, pressed against his back. A voice spoke soft against his ear as large hands gently but firmly pushed between Caleb’s hands and his arms:

“Mr. Caleb, are you with us?”

“Caduceus” Caleb exhaled. He turned his head to find Cad kneeling behind him. He had a hold of both of Caleb's hands. He didn’t look angry or upset, but there was concern etched in his brow. Caleb could see faint streaks of blood on his forearms where Cad had pushed his hands away, crescents from his nails already scabbing. It was minor. He hadn’t meant to do it at all. He had lost himself so quickly, like all the time between the asylum and now had vanished, and he was a just a scared little boy, locked in a cell with his nightmares and his grief.

“I think this place tries to get to you, however it can. I don’t like it.” Letting go of one of Caleb’s hands, Caduceus picked up _ Dark and Light Nights _. “Would you read to me? Maybe some distraction would help us both.”

“I think that is a good idea.” Caleb said. His voice was unsteady. Caduceus laid on his side and propped himself up on an elbow. Caleb followed, sending out one globule of light to read by. If the others looked or listened in, at least they didn’t pester him about it, and the story helped. In stories, there was always hope. Even if they were just make believe, tonight that helped.

* * *

Nott was kicking herself. This watch was not going well. She needed a drink. She thought more clearly when she had a drink. If someone hadn’t taken her flask, she never would have told Yasha...but it just came out. She had spilled Caleb’s darkest secret, his greatest pain, because she needed booze. Because she blamed him. She blamed everyone. But Yasha wouldn’t tell, right? She wouldn’t. She kept everything to herself. Nott was worried for nothing. At least, she tried to convince herself of that.

When she woke Caleb for his watch, Nott could barely look at him. She retreated quickly to curl against Jester and sleep, or at least pretend to.

Caleb climbed out from under Cad’s arm reluctantly. He looked down at the man and felt the smallest smile shift across his face. Caduceus knew to bring the book. Caduceus kept finding him when they slept, not knowing how much it helped Caleb. He seemed to actually want this, whatever this was. He kept taking Caleb’s hand exactly when he needed it.

_ You’re a selfish man, Caleb Widogast. _

He was relieved to be on watch with Beau. He was brooding, and Beau wasn’t going to try to argue him out of it. This place felt like death to him, and the more he saw Caduceus and how comfortable he was with death, with its cycles and its gods, the more he wished he could take that kind of comfort. But there was no hope for someone like him. One life was enough to fuck up. They could talk about that.

“...at least we’ll end up in a not-so-good place together, Beauregard.” Her attitude had cheered him in a morbid way.

Caleb took out the bottle of whiskey he had stashed and they drank together in the dark. It burned clean down his throat and let him open up a little more. He told Beau how much he had missed Nott; he was happy for her but he hadn't felt this alone since he'd escaped the asylum. Nott's story was resolving. She wouldn’t need this walking disaster of a wizard. When Beau asked if he was in love with her the answer was an immediate no--but his mind jumped to Caduceus at the question. He thought about the patterns they were falling into, and the hope that bloomed when Caduceus held him or took his hand or said his name. But this was nothing. Pity at best, his own delusions at worst. Caduceus couldn't, didn't want that. Not with Caleb.

_ A very selfish man. _

When he woke Caduceus for his watch, he told himself that he was imagining the affection he saw in Cad’s eyes, and tried not to savor his touch too much when Cad pulled his blanket over Caleb.

In the final watch of the night, Fjord and Caduceus sat close, peering into the endless dark around them.

"Thank you again, for helping me out with the whole meditation thing." 

"Oh, happy to. I'm glad it seems like it helped."

"In a place like this, I got to say I'm glad to have her..ya know, looking over my shoulder."

Caduceus nodded with a smile. "It helps. It helps to have a light in the dark."

Fjord fell silent, toying with the start of a question. "Ya know, speaking of that, light in the dark thing…you and Caleb, I mean, maybe it ain't my business, but what you were reading, it sounded kinda like that. Was that something about her, the Wildmother I mean? I didn't think he was into this stuff…"

Cad’s face brightened instantly. "Oh, no. That's a book of stories Caleb gave me. I can't read the language so he's been reading them to me. It's really nice. Down here, it helps a lot. I don't like this place. Messes with my head. Comforting routines in a place like this can make you feel a little more grounded."

Fjord nodded "keep morale up. I get that."

Cad thought for a moment "something like that I suppose. I'm not sure that's how I would put it."

Fjord considered his response. He was putting the pieces together on their resident wizard and their newest cleric. He didn't want to intrude, but group dynamics were important to Fjord, especially now as his role seemed... uncertain.

"How would you put it?" He floated the question carefully, but of course Caduceus didn't have much to hide.

"I care for Caleb, a lot." His ears swished with an emotion that altogether clashed with their environment. "We read together because...hmm. because it's a piece of home." He absently rubbed his thumb over the back of his hand. "It's something we do that's...ours. Like how," he tried to think of an example. "Like how Beau and Yasha spar together... except different. And it can go with us into dark places, because we are still together. We still have this very good corner of life." 

Fjord smirked to himself. Caduceus had told him plenty. "I think I get what you mean." 

Cad looked back over his shoulder. He could just make out Caleb's sleeping form in the glow from his staff: hugging Cad's pillow with Frumpkin curled up against his side.

* * *

The night's rest was a mere shadow of the ordeal they would face on the bridge. The voices, which were unsettling from inside the tiny hut, were maddening as the party passed over the chasm below. 

For safety, they had tied themselves together, but the howling whispers drove more than one of them to bolt blindly off the bridge, barely caught by the others. At one point Caleb felt his mind slip, and though he could see himself, he was powerless to stop. He needed to get off this bridge. Needed to fight--fight whoever was keeping him here.. He lunged at Caduceus, all the while screaming inside _ no no no no no NO! _

Caduceus watched Caleb’s attack as if it were in slow motion, and in a fluid grasp, embraced him and held him still, tight against his body. He whispered "You're alright, Caleb. It's me. You're going to be alright."

The moment passed and Caleb found himself again. He looked up into the kind face above his own.

"Cad. Thank you." His voice trembled, and he held on a moment longer.

They moved on, and Caleb silently reached out and twined his fingers with Caduceus'. Cad squeezed his hand in response.

Finally, in a panic Nott slashed her end of the rope and sprinted to get off the bridge, but the voices wrapped their tendrils around her mind, and she lept off into the abyss. She plummeted to a mass of what seemed to be seething, writhing flesh, formless gore, the origin of the whispers and cries. Before anyone could so much as blink, Jester dove after her, opening a dimension door to pull them both through to the far side of the bridge. They were past. They all made it over the bridge. Caleb looked back and thought he might be sick.

* * *

A room full of mirrors and twisted reflections bent on destruction awaited them beyond the bridge. Their reward for survival was a moment's rest, and a mysterious, twisted dagger that unlocked a door when it pierced the heart of another stone angel. Again the eyes bled. There was a reluctance to push forward.

Nott desperately wanted a drink. 

“Jester are you sure--are you _ sure _ you haven’t seen my flask. Anywhere?”

Jester looked askance, and then reluctantly pulled it from her haversack. 

“I’m sorry, Nott, it’s just...I got scared. At the Roc’s nest, with that treasure chest that shot a fireball at you, you could have really gotten hurt. We all could have. You’re not...you aren’t always as careful as you want to be when you're drunk and I wanted to help.”

Nott took her flask back and took a long pull. Wiping her lips on the back of her hand, she retorted “I don’t make careful choices when I’m pissed off because you stole from me either.” She aimed the words at Jester, but the sting hit herself. She felt a stab of shame when she glanced at Caleb, who was watching without judgement behind Jester.

“....Maybe, we could make a deal. I could drink _ less.” _

11:30AM to 11PM might not have seemed like much of a compromise, but Caleb recognized Nott was trying. He was proud of her for it. He’d never known his friend not to drink. Whether he liked it or not, he loved her, and he’d be fine with helping her cope, however he could. At least for as long as she’d let him.

The feeling of delaying the inevitable seemed to strike them all at once, and they slowly rose from their respite and began making their way into the chamber beyond.

* * *

Nothing was as it seemed. Whatever they were prepared for, they were not prepared for the demon of Yasha’s past, Oban in his true form. They were not prepared for the monstrosities he unleashed: hell hounds, the creature called the Laughing Hand. 

Caduceus looked from the battle he was engaged in to where Caleb stood transfixed, facing the maddening figure, myth come to life.

_ No. _ It was not a question. It was not a fear. It was a command through his bones. Caduceus stepped between Caleb and the creature. _ He is mine, and you will not have him. _ No words were exchanged, but Caduceus made himself clear. To Caduceus, this was the nature of their bond, his bond with all of them: to protect, to heal. But when he saw Caleb, the fire in him was greater, burned hotter. He stood his ground, between Caleb and harm.

When Caduceus fell, Caleb felt anger and terror crawl up the back of his neck, and seize his entire body. The sight of Caduceus, motionless on the ground, he had seen it before, but this time was different. His instincts went primal. Casting polymorph, Caleb transformed into a giant ape, something big enough to carry his friend. Scooping Caduceus off the ground and pulling him close against his chest, he was face to face with the beast that had wounded him. A roar ripped through his lungs and out of his throat. The ape form declared it’s stance: ** _Mine._ **

Fleeing a battle they could not win was hard enough. Fleeing from their friend--this was all wrong. Jester kept calling after her--”_ Yasha! Yasha, please!” _ Beau’s face was like stone as she fled the tomb, but Nott and Caleb would have known that face well, had they seen it. Already, she was mourning the loss, covering it with anger. Nott made the last attempt to bring Yasha back to herself: a tiny wildflower placed in her hand, and then she was gone.

* * *

Outside of the tombs under Bazzoxan, six figures collapsed in front of a sealed door in the mountain. Tears streaked down Jester’s face. Fjord braced her, putting his arm around her as she buried her face against his chest. In other circumstances, this would have had her giddy. Now, it only helped keep her off the ground. 

“We left Yasha. We left her. You guys--”

“She left us, Jester. That’s not your fault.” Fjord was pragmatic, but hoped it would provide some comfort.

Caleb was silent. He was angry. They’d fucked up, fucked up badly, and now they had lost Yasha, and there were more losses to come. He felt ice stabbing his heart. Like when they lost Mollymauk. He scooped Nott up in his arms. She didn’t fight him. They sat next to Beau, and Beau slumped against Caleb. Caduceus saw a memory flash before him: these same three, with two others, outside of his door in the Blooming Grove.

_ Oh. _

Caduceus met most people this way: in their grief. His entire life, the only people he knew who weren’t in mourning were his family, with the exception of the rare occasions where he had to venture into town. Outside of the Grove it had changed. He got to meet people in so many different states. But today he saw his friends as he had first met them, grief and fear trying to consume them.

“This isn’t the last we’ll see of our friend. Whatever happened to her in there, that wasn’t her.”

“We don’t know that.” Fjord argued.

“Yes, we do. I do. You don’t work the earth with someone without learning who they truly are. I may not know her story, but I know that was not her. Right now, we can’t help her. Someone else will have to do that. We need to help everyone else. I know of the Laughing Hand. This is an ancient evil. That creature can destroy--we need to tell the Bright Queen, and we need to get moving.”

There was disagreement over whether to return to the Bright Queen. Caleb and Caduceus both pushed for it, and for honesty about what they saw in the tombs, and that surprised almost everyone. Caleb had always been so guarded, living in half-truths. But the longer he was with them, the more of himself he was willing to sacrifice. He loved these assholes, despite what else he might say, and they were worth honesty. They were worth the world. Caduceus knew people had to be warned, and he knew they had to stop this evil from getting further. A sword needed reforging, and a hero needed to wield it. He was pretty sure he had found both. They needed to go to the Kiln.

* * *

That night in the Ready Room (and they were all frankly impressed with Jester’s artistic renaming to the Ruddy Poon, and that it had stayed undisturbed for two days) they rested close together and took comfort in each other’s company. Now that they had a plan, had alerted the queen of the danger, and were assured she would do what she could, Caduceus could turn his mind to other things. 

“Mr. Caleb?”

“Ja?”

“Could I, um, can I have a quick word with you?”

Cad pulled Caleb to a quiet corner of the loft, while Jester tried to push 5 beds together so they could have a giant mattress. She’d taken some time to talk with the Traveler, and he reassured her that someone powerful was looking out for Yasha. This comfort gave her something to hold onto, but she wanted closeness, so she made it a game. 

Caduceus looked nervous, his ears twitched in a way that could have been excitement or anxiety. Caleb watched and wondered when he had started to track Cad’s emotions through his ears, and why he wanted to touch them so much right now, to soothe whatever was causing the nervousness.

“What is it Caduceus?”

“I just..I wanted to say thank you.” He took both of Caleb’s hands. “You, you saved my life today. And you, you helped me stay grounded in there last night. I needed that and I don’t think I could have had it without you.”

“Caduceus, I should be thanking you. I--” He was in his shirtsleeves. He glanced down at the crescent scabs on his arms, and followed the line of older scars down to his hands, where they joined with Cad’s. He fidgeted, running his thumbs over the soft fur.

“I guess we both needed each other today.” Caduceus offered. Caleb nodded, but didn’t look up.

Caduceus leaned down and pressed a slow kiss to Caleb’s forehead. Caleb’s eyes fluttered shut. Despite the angle, Cad rested his forehead against Caleb’s.

“Maybe more than just today, ja?” It was barely a whisper. Caleb wasn’t even sure he had said it.

“Stay. Stay close to me tonight?” Caduceus’ voice trembled. Caleb had never heard him speak like this. It made his stomach swoop. It’s what they had been doing for the last several nights on the road, but something in Caduceus’ asking made it clear: it wasn’t an accident. It wasn’t just warmth that could have come from anyone. This was theirs. It didn’t have a name, and Caleb was scared that giving it one would shatter it, but it belonged to them, all the same.

The Mighty Nein found rest in a giant make-shift bed, and towards the edge Caduceus held Caleb close. Caleb fell asleep with his face buried in Cad’s chest, and he didn’t feel ashamed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was torn on whether or not to change the rating because of the self harm. If anyone lets me know that they think I should change it, I will happily do so. These are broken characters played by adults with legit struggles, and I'm not a stranger to them myself. I want to do my part in making sure we're keeping people safe if this is too triggering to be rated teen.
> 
> I wasn't planning on this fic getting super dark, and so far it's staying above that, but you know, Caleb. 
> 
> As always, thanks for reading! Hope you enjoy it!


	6. Who We Really Are

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spoilers for Ep. 70
> 
> Caleb comes face to face with his past, and struggles to deal with the aftermath. Caduceus uses perception to see past Caleb's well trained act, and we get some much needed honesty.

_ I have to see her myself. _

Caleb burned inside. Fear, anger, hope, disgust, all melded together in his spirit and bubbled like lava under his skin as the Mighty Nein were led down into the dungeons where the Bright Queen was keeping the scourger.

For his part, Caleb was alright leaving the mountain behind, even knowing what Jester had seen of Yasha in her scry. Even with the Laughing Hand behind them, and the outcome of that action yet uncertain. At the mention of the scourger, it was as if his mind closed down, narrowing its focus to his past, how he could destroy it, undo it, anything to wipe it out.

But the hope of satisfaction soured. Bile rose in his mouth as Caleb fled the dungeon. He had asked his questions, but learned nothing, nothing except that the empire was good at teaching their lies. Brainwashing. He knew that already. He knew it oh so well. He choked the vomit back down, and snapped Frumpkin around his neck.

The rest of the Nein watched him stalk away. Caleb made it very clear, he wanted to be alone. Fjord busied them with plans for their travel north. Caduceus knew that was their next step, was eager to get there, but part of him left the room when Caleb did, and he felt an anxiety to follow.

* * *

Caleb wandered into the house hours later and listened for the sound of the others. He found them in the roof garden, and waited below, listening as Caduceus told the story of his people, of Clay, Stone, and Dust. 

_ What are you to this man? He has been given purpose. The only purpose you were given was destruction. You couldn’t even do that. Now you are nothing. Nothing, Bren. You were supposed to kill traitors and you became one. What are you thinking? You will try to make amends? Save one of our own? For what? Information. You cannot save the dead. You cannot rewrite these pages.You don’t know who you are. You shouldn’t even be here. _

Caleb tried to focus on the voices above. He wanted to believe he belonged here, but his brain got the better of him. He couldn’t do this. He hurried himself back downstairs, heading to his room. 

“Hey Cay” Nott greeted him, tired but cheerful. The party was bringing dishes downstairs, assuming he had just walked in. He followed them somewhat reluctantly to the dining room as they talked. He did want company, but was unsure he was fit for their mood.

Caleb played the part. Nott was anxious to leave tomorrow and peppered him with questions about going to Nicodranas. Caleb needed time for himself. Time to think, to get his plans together, to breathe. He couldn’t express what he needed, but this was what she needed. Nott deserved every help he could give, so he followed her lead. 

Cad watched Caleb eagerly answer questions, affirm everyone’s need for rest, the need to be on the ball in the morning. It was too agreeable. It rang false.The smile was hollow.

Finally Jester and Beau decided to call it a night and headed upstairs. Caduceus started to follow, but Caleb called him back down. Caleb’s odd mood had him unsettled, and his unease only increased as Caleb plunked the bottle of whiskey down in the middle of the table. Caleb was agitated. Of course he was agitated. He had just confronted his past in vivid reality. Now his mask was slipping a little. He was trying to ask for help, but he didn’t know how. Nott was missing the cues, and of course she was. What else was she dealing with? She was about to see her son again. A son who couldn’t recognize her like this. She was going to take her husband to him--what would happen then? Caduceus could see the two identities battling within her. And Fjord, Caduceus was the only person in their party who knew that Fjord was losing his abilities. His connection with Uk’otoa was splintering. While ultimately this was a good thing, Fjord was in a dangerous place, certainly not one that would put him on the lookout for Caleb's troubles. Caduceus watched. Caleb was drowning, and no one around was swimming well enough to help him. They were too tired for this. 

“I’m glad you are all here. And those other two upstairs, I am glad they are here too.”

“Caleb, are you going to kill us?” Nott and Fjord tittered at their joke.

Caleb read the room, and adapted. “I guess it is, ah, out of character for me to propose a toast. Yes, Nott, I am going to kill you.” He laughed, and they laughed with him.

It was eerie. Caduceus could see Caleb the assassin, playing the role the job required, and it broke his heart how well Caleb could lie. Caleb who would stutter and fidget, who sometimes needed to arrange and rearrange his spell components three and four times to calm down enough to sleep, who compulsively counted coins for payment, Caleb who could be snapped back to another time and place if the wrong thing nudged him--Caleb put on the mask, and performed.

_ He’s let you see behind that. That’s why the performance doesn’t work for you. That’s kinda special. Very special. _Caduceus mused.

They finished their drinks. Caleb was the only one with alcohol, and Cad was relieved when he didn’t immediately pour another shot. Yeza and Nott declared it time for them to go to bed, and Fjord followed quickly after. 

Caduceus and Caleb were left alone at the table, the remaining candles casting a dim light over the room. 

“It is late, Caduceus. You should get some sleep. You will need good rest for tomorrow.” Caleb traced his finger around the rim of his empty teacup.

“I don't need rest right now, Caleb.”

Caduceus waited.

Caleb’s motion stopped.

“I do need to know what's going on. At least, I want to. If you'll tell me. You aren’t alright. Please don’t pretend, don’t lie. Not to me.”  
The pain in his request forced Caleb to look up. He met Cad’s eyes. His eyes were nearly black in the low light, and he fixed Caleb with his full attention. His fey ancestry was etched into the sharp angles of his face. He was beautiful, almost terrifying. It had Caleb transfixed.

Caduceus reached across the table and took Caleb's hand. Caleb drew in a sharp breath, but exhaled slowly as Cad ran his thumb across the back of his knuckles.

"Can you tell me what she said? What happened down there?"

Caleb remembered the last time they'd talked about _ this, _ and it made it difficult to avoid the truth.

"I don't know if it was anything that she _ said. _ It was just her."

"Was it Astrid?" Caduceus recognized the name when Caleb said it in the cell, and knew enough from Caleb's conversations what she meant to Caleb, at least a little. 

Caleb shook his head, pulling his hand free to nervously brush through his hair and tie it back. "No. Though I do not know what I would have done if it was. But this woman knew me. Knew my name at least. She was everything I would be now if...if things had gone differently." He sighed, frustrated, lost. "I gave them everything, they _ took _ everything from me. Everything. But when I saw that woman I could not help but feel connected to her. We shared the same destructive path. What was done to me was done to her, and probably worse. I felt for her, Caduceus.  
I just, I do not understand why I cannot move on from that life. I...I used to know what to do, and who I was. I knew my purpose. It was horrible, but it was clear. It made sense. After a life of following orders, it is an added cruelty to have to learn to choose." Caleb paused. He wasn't sure if Caduceus really wanted to hear any of this. "I am sorry, I am probably not making sense."

Caduceus shook his head, and moved from his seat across the table to straddle the bench next to Caleb. He looked out the window into the perpetual evening.

"I wish you _ weren't _ making sense, Caleb. But I know that feeling, of being lost, directionless. Not knowing what to do with yourself when no one tells you what to do. You left. I stayed. You rejected the purpose you were given, l...got left behind, forgotten maybe, and tried to carry on with the only purpose I knew.  
Is that what made you disappear on us earlier? Not knowing your direction?"

Caleb was taken aback. Caduceus believed everyone had purpose, something important they were destined for. He spoke often of how the Wildmother was guiding him. Of all people, how could Caduceus know what it was like to be lost? But Cad wasn't leaving that open, not right now anyway, so Caleb thought about the question.

"No? I don’t think so. I guess I am not sure. I needed to talk to Essik, to see if I could speak with her again before she must die. She is a part of me, whether I like it or not." 

Caduceus nodded, and waited. Caleb needed time to talk about this, and Cad wasn’t going to push him..

The dark and the quiet blanketed the space. Caleb thought of how much things were changing with Caduceus. He owed it to him to say--to tell him the truth. Caduceus needed the chance to get away from him before he got in too deep.  


Caleb took a deep breath and closed his eyes. “The Cerberus Assembly took my family from me. They used my hands to do it. My mother. My father. That was when I broke. But by then, the Academy had become my family. Brothers, sisters, siblings in arms. And I lost them too. All at once. They, they put false memories in my head, to make me, to make me believe my parents were...enemies of the empire. When I realized what I, what I had done, I...shattered. So did everything else. They threw me in an asylum, and then...I was alone."  


He felt empty, like he had been poured out. He chanced a look up at Caduceus. Cad’s face was full of compassion, and there was a tear running down his cheek, but it was not for pity. It was the look of someone who knew loneliness and isolation intimately. Caleb looked down at his hands. His voice fell, barely more than a whisper: “I guess that’s why I wanted to have a drink together when I got home. Because I needed to remember that I have a family. I’m not alone anymore.”

As Caleb spoke, Caduceus felt the years he spent alone in the Blooming Grove, tending a dying garden in a corrupted wood. He was barely a teenager (as firbolgs count it) when his mother left, and she was the last. He listened to the Wildmother, and for a while she told him to tend the garden, to wait. Be patient. And then she said nothing. For years, though he could never be sure exactly how long, she said nothing. Isolated, he was desperate for someone else to speak to him, see him, touch him, but nothing came. No one even to bury their dead, because they believed the wood was haunted. The corruption was too dangerous. He spoke to the trees, but they did not answer. Rumors of a mystic hermit spread. Hermitage was the last thing Caduceus had ever wanted. His house was full of love and life, and he had every hope of bringing more into it.The sickness in the Savalirwood took that all away. Loneliness consumed him for so long that he wondered if he had ever heard Melora, or if he had just imagined it. When Caleb, Nott and Beau showed up at his door, for the first time in years he heard the Wildmother speak again: _ Go with them. _He was beginning to believe that it was worth the wait, but the pain of that emptiness ran deep. He knew all too well what Caleb meant by needing a family.

"Thank you, Caleb." His voice cracked. He reached for Caleb’s hand again.

"Thank you. Thank you for telling me about your parents. I...I can’t imagine the pain it gives you. Thank you for showing it to me. That is a sacred thing to trust me with.”

Caduceus laced their fingers together, and pulled gently. He wasn’t horrified. He was still here. He wanted to still be here. Caleb understood, and turned to face his friend. Cad scooched closer to him, and Caleb let his forehead fall against Caduceus’ chest. He was so tired, today had been so wrong, but he was able to hear Caduceus’ comfort, and believe it, at least a little. He had not been able to believe it from Beau at first, and he had not been able to hear it from Nott, though she tried to show him in so many ways. But by and by, they were wearing away at his resistance, and now here with Caduceus, he was starting to think he could someday accept it: _ it’s not your fault. _

“You are truly a wonder, Caleb Widogast. You are moving forward, even if you feel like you aren't. Someone tried to build you for war and now you're bent on stopping it. They took so much away from you, forced so many _horrible_ things on you, and in turn you are here, with us, building a new family, finding a new purpose.  
That's beautiful.  
_ You're _beautiful."

A moment of silence hung between them. Caduceus gently pushed Caleb off of his chest, and tilted his face up. "I...I mean it, Caleb. You are beautiful."

Caduceus leaned down, and kissed him.

Caleb melted.

His questions and fears and doubts dissolved against Cad's lips. His kiss was inexperienced, sincere, and so gentle, as if he thought Caleb might break. Caleb's hands came up to Cad's face, guiding him slightly. One hand fell to his neck, and he could feel that steady pulse, beating somewhat faster than usual. He lost himself in the warmth of Caduceus, in his impossibly soft touch. 

When Cad pulled back, Caleb's eyes stayed shut, afraid to wake from the dream. 

“Caleb?”

The world swam back into view, materializing into Caduceus, flushed, ears pinned back, a shy anxiety twisting his features.  
“Um, is this, alright? Sorry.” He laughed nervously. “I’ve never done this before.” Caleb hated seeing Caduceus anxious. He certainly didn’t want to be the cause of it. He scratched his fingertips through Cad's undercut, and rubbed his thumb over the velvet-soft flesh of his ear.

"Mmm." Caduceus pressed into the touch, relaxing completely. 

"It is very alright, Caduceus…you ah, you've never done this? Kissed anyone?"

"Hmm? Oh. Well, my parents. My siblings. Not...not like this."

"Oh."

"Does that...change things...for you?"

Caleb slowed his motion against Caduceus' ear & dropped his hand back to his side. Cad's focus cleared, even as his head moved to follow the touch. Caleb smiled to himself and saved that information for later.

"No. It does not. But I, Caduceus, I am ah, a bit of a mess. I don’t, I have...problems. I just..I do not want to hurt you."

"I knew that before I kissed you, Caleb."

Caduceus' simple, honest response invited no argument, and Caleb couldn't squash the excitement hammering in his chest.

"Then, ah, we will...we will go at your pace?"

Cad's face split into a lopsided grin. "That sounds nice."

"We ah, we have an early morning, Caduceus. We should get some sleep."

Cad nodded. "We should. Can, can I stay with you tonight?"

"_ Vas _? I uh..?"

"It's just, you've been through a lot today, and the last time any of this came up, your family, the academy...you...you had a _ bad _ night.

...and, Nott said you don't sleep so well on your own.

..and I want to. I want to sleep close to you, if you want that."

Cad couldn’t help but feel excitement at the thought of being close again.The nights he’d been able to hold Caleb, last night when he got to ask, that felt right. It felt good, and it seemed like Caleb understood Cad’s feelings a little more clearly now, and shared them. He really liked Caleb. _ We’re not alone anymore. _

His ears swished, but he was patient, willing to go with whatever Caleb needed.

Caleb blinked, surprised. "Um. Ja. Ja, I would, I would like that too."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You guys, episode 70 is why I started writing this fic, because I could not BEAR the fact that Caleb was alone after his encounter with the Vollstrecker. So much trauma. Hug your wizard, you guys.
> 
> I just finished episode 77 last night, and I'm SO stoked about where things are going! Since they're on a break this week, here's a Thursday fic update for you.
> 
> Next chapter is super fluffy, and I am real excited for it.


	7. Treasure

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spoilers for ep. 71.  
Today's chapter is brought to you by F E E L I N G S in Nicodranas.

Caduceus stretched languidly as the daylight jar flourished to life. He glanced around the room behind the library, to the man sleeping soundly beside him. He traced his hand over Caleb's back, marveling at the softness of his skin, and how peaceful he looked when he slept.

From here, he could almost imagine a Caleb who wasn't so hurt, so broken: his arms were thrown under his head, face half buried in his pillow, hair sticking up in every direction, softly snoring without a care. Cad’s gaze trailed up Caleb's arms, and the pattern of scars running along them. _ Almost. _

His eyes followed the path of his fingers, stopping short of where Caleb's trousers met his lower back. Cad had rarely gotten to admire Caleb, certainly never like this. He felt a tingling run the whole length of his body, and a lazy grin crept over his face. Today, he wasn't homesick. He didn't feel afraid of silence, because today it did not mean he had been abandoned. He didn't feel powerless against the world, because it was not his to face alone. He wouldn't have to sit by and watch. With a sigh of gratitude he stretched back out on the mattress, pressing close to Caleb. He was rewarded with a light scratching against his shaved hair, and half-sleeping mutters from Caleb. It stole his breath, the feeling of closeness and the experience of a Caleb who was not bundled up in anxiety, who could receive the kindness Caduceus so desperately wanted to give.

Caleb couldn't remember the last time he slept so well. It was before he joined up with the Nein, maybe even before he met Nott. His mind stayed mercifully silent through the night, and the few times when he woke, he quickly found Caduceus, reminded himself where he was, and let Cad's breathing lull him back to sleep. Now the room was getting brighter, and Caleb felt something warm along his side, too big to be his cat.

_ Caduceus. _

Too tired for the self-conscious part of his brain to be piloting, he lifted his hand and scratched Cad’s head. He loved the feeling beneath his fingertips. "Mm..guten morgen.." he mumbled.

"Hey there. I didn't know you were awake."

"_ Nein. Ich _ -I wasn't. Am now. _ 's gut _. Have to get up. Soon." Caleb's speech was slow, and a little slurred as he tried to translate himself into Common, which was always a challenge before breakfast.

"_ Danke _ . For staying last night... _ es hat mir sehr gut gefallen _."

Cad chuckled, and Caleb felt it through his ribs. He wasn’t sure what all Caleb had said, but he got the idea. "I was the one who asked to stay. You don't need to thank me. How are you this morning?"

"_ Gut. Ja, gut. _ " And he meant it. There was a part of him that knew he shouldn't have let Cad stay last night, that they’d both end up hurt. Caleb’s whole life was a trail of hurt people, or dead people. But the voice reminding him of that seemed distant. Someone who cared about him and wouldn't push him, someone who knew the whole truth--or at least the idea--and who still somehow believed Caleb was worth _ something, _was so much closer and so much warmer and more alive than that voice.

That brought to mind a clearer memory of last night, of Caduceus' gentle kiss, and Caleb paused. He remembered his own introductions to romance. He didn’t want that for Cad. He wanted Cad to know he was wanted, so, so deeply, and that he could be himself, no pressure. No expectations..

"How are _ you _? Did you sleep alright?"

"Oh, I'm _ great _. I slept like the dead. A bed's nicer on the back than sleeping on tree roots. It makes it even better, to wake up like this again."

Caleb noticed as Cad spoke that his attention kept straying down Caleb's bare torso.

_ He cannot want to see me. What am I to someone like him? _

They’d seen each other in various forms of undress often enough; travel on the road afforded little to no privacy. But context was everything. Caleb remembered the first time he saw Astrid, when looking was invited. He hastily pushed that thought away. _ You are no beauty, Widogast. You are nothing to look at. _

But he couldn't be sure of that, because Caduceus had kissed him. Caduceus was the one who wanted to stay. Caduceus was the one whose eyes were wandering, though he couldn’t help but notice his own glances towards Cad. Caleb reconciled it internally as best he could. _ I guess there's no accounting for taste. A morbid curiosity on his part, surely. _

When the attentive silence began to get too much for Caleb, he pushed himself upright, and Caduceus blushed, though he certainly didn’t know it. A tiny part of Caleb loved that, innocence and curiosity and affection. Caduceus wore them well.

“We have a lot to do today, Mr. Clay. I do not think we can stay in here too much longer.” He tucked Cad’s hair back behind his ear, chancing a seemingly accidental touch, just to see Cad react. Just a little. _ Selfish. Don’t tease him. He hasn’t had to play games. _

“Mmmm...You’re right,” Caduceus replied reluctantly. “I need to get breakfast started.” 

“Would you like my help?”

“That would be nice. Yeah. Could we stay a few more minutes first?” He held an arm out to Caleb. Caduceus was a very tactile person, and in these moments alone, Caleb found himself more and more fond of that trait.

“A few,” came the words, and Caleb laid himself under the arm. He ran his fingers over Cad’s sternum, & Cad rumbled pleasantly in response. Somewhere inside Caleb’s mind, there was a version of himself that could not wait to shower Caduceus in affection, to let Cad discover this new world, to help fill that lonely place Cad hinted at, and to create something kind with his own hands, instead of destruction. Another part of him believed that to be impossible, but both parts knew that there were conversations to be had before this went on for much longer. 

* * *

Breakfast removed any possibility of those conversations happening this morning, and for Caleb, that was a great relief. It was also a relief to have Beauregard’s mentor Dairon holding things down at the Xhorhaus, and to know that work was being done now both for Xhorhas and the Empire, to end the war, and begin righting some of the wrongs. It was incidentally good to know more of Dairon, of this person Beauregard trusted so well. Beau was very dear to Caleb, she understood him and was blunt and awkward in a way he truly appreciated. He wanted to see her treated well, looked after by the kind of people who want what is good for her--and genuinely mean it.

For Caduceus, the morning was moving too fast. He liked cooking with Caleb, and was surprised at how adept he was at moving with Caduceus in the kitchen, ready with chopped potatoes, cracked eggs, and quick to find what seasoning Cad was looking for. Too soon it was over, and they were surrounded by the rest of their rag-tag family, complete with Beau’s friend. Caduceus passed out coffee and tea, and thought very hard about kissing the top of Caleb’s head when he set his cup down, but he settled for a lingering touch on the shoulder. He didn’t want to alarm the man too much. He wasn’t sure what was too much in their situation. He had a lot of questions, and no clue what ones he should ask.

Breakfast done, the teleportation circle was drawn, and the Mighty Nein flung themselves to Nicodranas. Caleb and Caduceus were both a little more reluctant to leave home than they expected.

* * *

The world around them materialized into Yussa's stone tower within the city. He had news of events since they had come to Rohsana that gave all of the Nein a sense of affirmation about their choices in returning the beacon to the Bright Queen, and closing the rifts into the abyssal plain, but it was mixed with fear. Rumors of airships being built in Hupperdook gave them a sense of unease, and concern for a small friend they had left behind. It seemed war was inescapable, and they didn’t know if they would get to keep safe all those they wanted to.

Information gleaned, it did not take them long to leave the tower and head into the bustle that was Nicodranas. Yezza and Nott were anxious to see their son.

Arriving at the Lavish Chateau, the reuniting of this small family was joyous, and more than a little overwhelming. Nott disguised herself to look as she once did. Veth, Yezza, and Luc collapsed into an embrace in the center of Marion Lavorre’s sitting room. Caleb choked, eyes burning with tears he would not cry, heart clenching for a reunion he was so glad to have any part of, and yet heartbroken to be outside of, knowing what he was losing, and what he had already lost. He was seeing the thing he wanted most in the world, a thing he may never have again, unless he managed to alter time itself.

Caduceus brightened at the sight. He knew this experience so well: a family coming together after intense grief and loss.It made him long for his own family. Thinking on what he had learned from Caleb the night before, he looked over at him, and saw his eyes glistening and bloodshot. Caleb caught Cad’s eye for a split second, before flicking his gaze away.

Before long, Jester had them all convinced to go down to the beach, and give Veth’s family their first real look at the ocean. Caduceus took the time to lose some of his Xhorhasian layers while Jester dragged Beau off for a quick wardrobe change. For the most part, everyone was gracious enough not to give Beau a hard time about her frilly red ensemble. For the most part. Fjord couldn’t quite resist telling his first mate how “perdy” she looked.

When Fjord tripped over a certain monk’s staff, flying face first into the sand, she considered the compliment repaid.

Caleb wanted to get in the water, to let everything float away again, but he couldn’t. He needed to be aware. The thought that someone might be here from the Cerberus Assembly dogged him. He couldn’t shake the horrible images of what would happen to Marion, to Yezza, to Luc, to any of this new family, if someone had traced Jester and Nott’s letter to Astrid back here. Before he could go too far down that line of thought, Nott wanted a word with him, so he set Frumpkin to scout, and gave his attention to his dearest friend. Unfortunately, their conversation did not give him what he was hoping for. Her family’s reunion filled his heart with pain at his own loss, but knowing she was still so incomplete, that she feared the life she would lose to see her child, that she was trapped in a body and a being that was not hers, that she could not even enjoy what she had--it crushed him. He wanted to help her, and told her so. He would do anything for her.

She said she loved him, but that all along she had hoped he would fix her. What if he couldn’t? Would she still love him? He didn’t want to do what she was asking. Burn her to undo her drowning? It was all wrong, and it pained him that she would ask him to do _ that _again, even if she could survive it. He didn’t want to lose her, but he also hated the idea that she would give up her family now in hopes to have them more fully later. That was hard for Caleb to understand. He would give anything for another moment with his mother, another warm embrace from his father, to look at either of them without the shame and guilt and betrayal that plagued him. As Veth wandered back to the water’s edge where her boy was delightedly misusing a grappling hook, he watched her, and felt anxiety bloom in his gut.

Caduceus wandered the shore. He was glad to be back on the ocean, at least this side of it, where things were nice, and smelled weird, and weren’t full of eyeball monsters. He skimmed for seashells, looking back at Fjord, wondering what he was seeing today. Did he feel the Wildmother here, the way Caduceus did? Was U’kotoa still trying to drag him down? But Fjord gave no indication of either, lounging on the sand, laughing with Beau and Jester. He hoped that Fjord’s calm was genuine.

Cad turned his attention to Caleb, who had found perch on a large rock, staring out far into the distance, past the happy family of halflings, looking for something Caduceus feared he would not be able to find.

* * *

Bittersweet reunions, and even the more prominent parts of Caleb’s anxiety, could not beat out the atmosphere of the Lavish Chateau, especially in Marion Lavorre’s company. Marion had a gift, and a carefully honed skill, for bringing joy to others, making them feel heard and enjoyed. The performance troupe didn’t hurt either. By the end of their evening, as they sat around a quickly emptying dining space, Jester remembered Calliana’s package, which was supposed to be sent here. Sure enough, a rather weathered parcel was retrieved, waiting to be distributed to its owners: a letter and a lollipop necklace for Jester, a homemade allergy remedy for Fjord, a shell bracelet for Nott, a bow for Beau, and a letter for Caleb. There were two other gifts, one for Yasha, and one for Mollymauk. A dark expression crossed Caleb’s face as he held them, eventually giving them to Beau for safe keeping. It seemed to Caleb that, of all of them, Beau was the one who would need them most. Sure enough, she tucked them into the small bag she kept of remembrances of their Mollymauk, now with something of Yasha too. Caleb wondered to himself if he would ever stop leaving a trail of dead and broken innocents behind him.

As the friends gushed over their presents, Caleb found himself reading Calliana’s letter aloud. He didn’t notice when the others stopped talking. Her words filled up every space in his frequently overactive mind. While the day had cast an aura of fear and anxiety over him, here was Calliana, from so far away, and truth be told longer ago than it really seemed, telling him words he needed to hear: _ You’re good people, Mr. Caleb. You helped me...try not to let your pockets get to heavy. _

He cleared his throat uncomfortably as he finished reading. Caduceus had nodded along with every word. He didn’t know this Calliana, but he was certain he liked her very much.

“Caleb! That’s so sweet! And she’s right you know, you should be a lot nicer to yourself.” Jester chimed sagely as Caleb finished. Caleb couldn’t bring himself to look at any of them, but he felt Cad’s knee bump him from under the table, and Nott lean into him a little closer on his other side.

Before long the day began to take its toll. One by one the Nein headed to their beds. Caleb thought again of Astrid, and the danger that might be waiting for them. He went upstairs, and sent Frumpkin to the roof to keep watch.

* * *

Sleep escaped Caleb as he tossed and turned in a bed more comfortable than any he was used to. The fact that he should be sleeping magnificently only added insult to injury. Finally he decided he may as well get up. He instructed Frumpkin to keep watching, and to alert him as soon as he saw something that required Caleb’s attention. With that, Caleb crept out into the night.

The beach was cool, the water cold, and everything mercifully silent, except for the gentle crash of the waves. Caleb breathed deeply. _ Just for a moment. Just to let go for a moment… _

He stripped himself bare, and strode into the waves. Laying himself down, bathing in the pale glow of the moon and countless stars, Caleb let the sea take away his thoughts. He drifted. He stilled. He breathed. He reached out to his familiar--yes, still sitting on the roof. No sign of anyone or anything.

_ Just breathe. _

It was as if the sea herself were speaking to him, so he listened. He tried to breathe away Nott’s request, and the many iron weights he carried around with him: his guilt and shame and fears. He breathed into the pain of losing his family, the confused emotions as the Brenattos met again, and into the sorrow he felt for Nott. 

_ Breathe. _

_ Breathe. _

_ Breathe. _

* * *

Sometime in the deep hours of the night, Caduceus sat up with a start, and found himself fully awake.

_ Come outside, my Clay. _

“Wildmother?” Caduceus whispered to the night. Of course no answer came, but his hair rustled in a sudden breeze through the open window. It smelled strongly of the ocean. Caduceus loved late night walks. He didn’t need to be invited twice. He pulled on his trousers, draped a shawl over his shoulders, grabbed his staff just in case, and headed down to the shoreline.

Caduceus was dazzled by the moonlight and the stars. He tripped almost in a daze down to the shore, until his bare toes touched the water’s edge. He looked out and saw the moon reflected out to the horizon on the sea. 

“Wow. This was worth the wake up call. Thank you.”

_ That’s not why I brought you out here, but you’re welcome. _

It was a feeling more than real words, and more than he heard them, he felt directed to his left, where he saw a figure climbing from the water several meters away, bedraggled and thin. He headed towards it, almost immediately coming to recognize the form.

“Caleb? Caleb, are you alright?”

Caleb nearly jumped out of his skin. “_Schieẞe_!” He flared a fireball in his hand, casting enough light to recognize Caduceus. “Oh, Cad, it is you. I am sorry, I..I didn’t realize I was not alone.”

“It’s alright Caleb. I didn’t mean to scare you. Um, here” he took off the shawl and handed it to Caleb, trying not to stare.

“Oh. Oh, sorry.” Caleb stammered in embarrassment and tied the garment around his waist. “I, ah, seem to have lost track of myself and floated further away from my clothes.”

“No need to apologize. I’m glad. Um, that is, it’s good to see you take some time for yourself. Um, I can help you look for your clothes,” Caduceus offered as a means of distraction, and lifted his staff to provide better light. Soon enough they found the driftwood log Caleb had left his clothing on. He hastily pulled on some pants and returned Cad’s shawl while the rest of him dried off. 

“What, ah, what brings you out here tonight?” Caleb asked, lowering himself onto the sand and leaning against the trunk for support. 

“Oh, Voices. You?” Caduceus joined him on the ground.

“Something like that.” Caleb stared out into the horizon.

“Anyone in particular?”

Caleb nodded silently. In the darkness it was more to himself than Caduceus. “Nott. Calliana. Others...it was getting too loud, so…” He gestured to the water.

“Mmm. This place is good for that, for getting some clarity. Did Nott’s family, uh? Was it too much?” 

“Nein. I am happy for her. I am. But she...she asked me to do something I don’t know how to do, and in a way I...I cannot. I would do anything for her. If I could give her back the body she belongs in I would, but she...she thought, since it was done with water I could reverse it with fire. She wanted me to _burn_ her. It was just...I cannot.”

“You’re right. I don’t think you should, Caleb, and I don’t think you have to. That kind of magic, that doesn’t sit well with me either. I believe you can find a better way. She’s afraid. That’s understandable. But don’t let her fears add to yours. That won’t help either of you.” Caduceus stretched his arms out behind them on the driftwood. He inhaled deeply, relishing the night air and the sky above.

Caleb sighed. “I am so tired of death, Caduceus. So tired. I have seen too much of it. I have _ caused _ too much of it. Was that what drew Nott to me? Is that...is that really all I am good for? Killing? Sometimes I wonder.”

Caduceus removed his arm from the log behind them and found Caleb’s hand. He wrapped his long, warm fingers around Caleb’s and squeezed firmly, a reassuring pressure.

“No.  
No, Caleb, that is not all you are good for. Death is not all your friend wants from you. It is not what drew any of us to you. I am sorry it has been the catalyst for so many meetings. I know...I know it is why you met me. I know that grief is closer today, the present for Mollymauk dragged up the pain; I saw it. But Caleb you are so much more than death and destruction. You are curious, protective, loyal, passionate, kind--even when you don’t think we notice. We do. And we’re not interested in you for what you are “good for.” That’s not friendship. We’re interested in you because you are a person, and your presence is dear to us, just _ you_.” Cad gave his hand another squeeze.  
“It’s okay to be sick of death. I know. I have felt that too.” 

Caleb looked over at Caduceus. His hair was blowing in his face, and that sadness he had seen last night nested in his eyes again. Caleb was surprised by how at home that feeling seemed to be among Cad’s features. Caduceus was letting him see a pain he usually kept private, and it gave Caleb something to focus on. He needed to process Cad’s words. In moments like this, Cad could flood his mind with the affirmation he so desperately needed, but it had a tendency to make his brain short circuit if he tried to take it in all at once.

Caleb gave a mirthless chuckle. “Hard to imagine a maker of fine graves being sick of death, Caduceus.”

Cad stilled for a long moment. The thumb tracing across Caleb’s knuckles stopped. The breeze continued flinging Cad’s hair into his face, and Caleb saw his expression go dark as he struggled with the words.

“Is it?”

Cad’s voice was soft, and though the question was sincere, it was laced with irony.

_ Oh. _,

"Ah, here. Let me help.” Caleb got up and repositioned himself on the driftwood log behind Caduceus. Bracketing his shoulders with his knees, Caleb combed through Cad’s hair gently with his fingers and began plaiting it, careful not to pull. 

“Do you want to talk about it?”

Cad turned the question over in his mind. “I’m not sure. I...I haven’t really ever talked about it. Except what I told you yesterday. I guess it’s--Death and Life are a cycle, a crucial one, and I understand that. I respect it. I think it can be beautiful. It’s not beautiful when life drops out of the picture altogether, or slows so much that you forget, you forget that you’re still part of the living." His heart caught in his throat. Words failed him. "I'm sorry, Mr. Caleb. I don’t think I can talk more about this right now.”

“That is quite alright, Caduceus. You do not have to.”  
Caleb understood completely.

They sat together silently for some time as Caleb braided Cad’s hair. Caduceus let himself sink back into Caleb. He felt safe here. The contact from Caleb’s body against his own was steadying. Caleb was studying the firbolg, enjoying the silken feel of his hair, the angles and lines of his torso. He noticed streaks of silvery white beginning to develop in Cad’s hair. He hadn’t seen those before. 

“Caduceus?”

“Hmm?”

“Have you changed your hair?”

“What? Oh. That. No, it’s deciding to do that on it’s own. I’m not sure what it’s about. New environments, new experiences maybe? Nature often adapts to its surroundings.”

“Oh. Well, I like it. It looks lovely on you. M-most things do.”  
Caduceus couldn’t help but grin at the compliment. “Well thank you, Caleb. I think I like it too.”

Caleb fished out some string from his coat pocket next to him, and tied the end of Cad’s hair. He wondered a little about the change in Cad’s appearance. At the academy, they called it “Ghost’s Comb” or “Death’s Hairbrush.” Some people, after surviving a harrowing experience, their hair would turn white, in patches or streaks or their whole head, as if something had combed the life right out of it. He hoped that was not what was happening to Caduceus. In the moonlight, he saw the shimmering streaks, and thought they only added to his beauty.

He dropped a kiss onto Cad’s shaved hair and laid the braid over his shoulder. 

“Better?”

"Much. Thank you. Where did you learn to do that?”

“From Nott, actually. A lot of spare time on the road when it was just the two of us. It’s helpful to keep the hair out of your face.”

“I like it. And it feels nice when you braid it.”

Caleb smiled at that. He loved that Caduceus could so casually say what he liked, wasn’t afraid to ask for what he wanted. He didn’t have any reason to be. Caleb imagined that he might be able to use some skills he gained for very different reasons for good, for something other than survival or manipulation. He would rather use them to make Cad happy, if he could, if by some miracle, he could keep this without hurting Caduceus.

Knowing Caduceus was enjoying the touch, and gathering from their conversation that he wanted that closeness, Caleb let himself be bold. His hands trailed over Cad’s bare shoulders, the fine fur tickling his fingertips. He chanced another kiss against Cad’s skull, and was rewarded with a pleased sigh as Cad pressed into Caleb’s touch and attention. Caleb had never met someone so responsive. It was thrilling, but reminded him all the more clearly that he needed to tread carefully.  
_ Don’t hurt him. Don’t drag him into your mess. _

Caleb set the thought aside. Caduceus could have what he wanted, at least as far as Caleb could give it. The man was so kind, so dear. He deserved affection. Caleb found it easier not to let his shame take over if it he was focused on Caduceus’ wants.

Slow kisses trailed down the side of Cad’s head; fingertips traced his ear. 

“Mmmm”

“Gut, ja?”

“Very good. I like that spot.”

“Here?” Caleb gently massaged the ear, alternating between pressure and feather-light touch.

Cad nodded, not getting more than a stutter out when he tried words. Caleb backed off a little from the sensitive spot, and leaned Caduceus’ head back to kiss him properly. His tongue lightly traced across Cad's bottom lip. It made Caduceus dizzy. Caleb felt the world tilt as Caduceus responded to his touch.

Caduceus broke the kiss. “Wow.” he whispered. “Wow. That was, Caleb, thank you.” He took Caleb’s hand to give himself a break from the tingling sensations along his scalp. “You’re very good at that.”

_ I should be, after everything. _Caleb thought. “So are you, Mr. Clay. A quick learner."

Cad laughed, and smiled up at him. “Not usually. Can you...can you come back down here?” 

Caleb obliged, and found himself resting his head and hand on Caduceus’ chest, as Cad wrapped both arms around him.

“Caleb, I really like this. Is this--are we? Hm. I’m a little out of my depth. I have questions I’m not sure how to ask.”

Internally Caleb flinched. He was afraid the illusion was about to shatter. That something in asking and answering questions would mean he’d lose this. But it was for Caduceus, and he trusted Caduceus.

“That is fair. Maybe we could try together? Is it about something physical?”

Cad shook his head. “No. So far I’m clear on all that. I like where we are. I like taking my time learning.” He thought about how much he’d like to learn Caleb, slowly, joyfully. He was pretty certain Caleb wasn’t ready for that, and truthfully wasn’t sure he was either, but the thought of eventually getting to learn and explore poured through his heart like honey.

“I think, I just, I’m not sure what you want, or if what I want is okay for you. I know some people have physical relationships without emotional relationships, and that’s okay, but it isn’t what I want with you. I really like you. I like talking to you. I like how it feels to be open with you, and to learn what goes on in your mind, to help where I can, to enjoy the good parts with you. Is that, is that alright?”

“You are saying we--you would like to be more than friends, as they say? Ah..in our shared language, partners is a way to put it?”

“Yeah. Yes, I think I like that. Caleb, would you like that, with me?”

Caleb tightened his embrace. “Very much, Cad. If you are sure. I am...I am not an easy man, and I am...there are better people--”

Cad cut him off “Can I make that choice for myself? Because I _ really _ like who you are.”

It made Caleb almost laugh, seeing outside of himself, trying to talk Caduceus out of what they both wanted.

“Ja. You can. Ja.”

“Do we, is it a secret?” Caleb looked up to see Cad’s ears flat. _ Afraid. We can’t have that, _he thought.

“No. You don’t have to be anyone’s secret, Caduceus. We can be as open as you want--but--but sometimes, I do not want to be showy. It could by dangerous for you, if the people looking for me were to find me, and know I have a partner. Even without that, sometimes it can be, just, a lot."

“Drawing attention?” Cad asked.

“Ja.”

“I can understand that. I won’t do that to you, Caleb.” Cad kissed his head. Caleb reached up to stroke Caduceus’ ear again. He loved knowing he could do something that made him feel good.  
The conversation had gone better than Caleb feared, and while there was...certainly more he’d have to talk about eventually, this was a better start than he could have asked for.

Caleb’s fingers caught on a new shape: the wooden spiral was replaced with something else. A lightning bolt?

“This is new too.” Caleb remarked.

“For Yasha.  
We need hope, Mr. Caleb. For each other, and ourselves.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys, I love them, and hair touch is a love language.
> 
> Zemnian (Fantasy German):  
es hat mir sehr gut gefallen: I liked it very much


	8. On a Good Day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spoilers for ep 71-73  
Team bonding in the mountains!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mild TW/CW: Caleb has some thoughts about his past (surprising no one). These thoughts contain some implications that Caleb was sexually assaulted when he was younger. Nothing explicit, just implications.

Caduceus woke with the kind of excitement he hadn't felt since he was a child. For so long, he had watched his grove suffer, dying slowly, crying out for help he couldn't give. Today, they were closer than ever. They would go to the Kiln. The sword could be reforged. There could be _ answers. _

And in a shy corner of Caduceus Clay's mind, he had another reason to be excited. Another room over, he knew Caleb was sleeping. He imagined he could hear his quiet snore. Caduceus touched his lips, enjoying the memory of their talk on the beach, Caleb's kisses, his hand roaming over Cad's shoulders. His hair mostly still held the braid Caleb had given him. Cad had never experienced anything like this. He didn't really know what it was to be wanted, and had not realized how much he had wished for it. To know someone thought of him, someone wanted to be with him. He wasn't a cast off. This beautiful, brilliant man, with so much knowledge and so much resilience, wanted to touch him and be close to him.  
Cad was giddy at the idea of being allowed to show Caleb affection, and even more excited over that flutter in his stomach: _ You're not going to be alone. _

Caduceus got out of bed and positioned himself for morning meditation. His breathing found rhythm with the waves.

"Good morning, Wildmother."  
He centered himself in her presence, and his heart flooded with gratitude:  
_ I'm not going to be alone. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you for waking me up last night, and bringing me to Caleb. Thank you for him. Melora, keep him safe. Let him know he deserves good things. Thank you that I get to have this. I was so afraid for so long that you forgot me. Thank you for these people. I don't feel forgotten anymore. Thank you for Fjord. We have a champion. I feel like we can fight what's coming. I'm ready to do what you ask. _

Today was going to be a good day.

* * *

Caleb woke with a start, jolted from sleep with the sensation of falling. He clutched at Frumpkin, and tried to gain familiarity with his surroundings. He heard the ocean outside his window, softly crashing on the shore.

_ Ocean. Nicodranas. Lavish Chateau. Ocean. Caduceus. _

_ Oh. _

Caleb laid in bed, mulling over their encounter on the beach. A part of him just treasured it, even the awkward parts. He loved the feel of Cad's skin beneath his fingers. Kissing him was so new, so exciting. Caleb felt smitten. He felt like a teenager. It made him remember their talk last night, what Caduceus asked for, what Caleb admitted to wanting. What he had with Wulf, with Astrid, they had never put a name to it. It was hidden, shameful. It had to be kept secret. The Empire came first. Partners were for children and fools. Love was a weakness. Sex was a tool for gaining information. They were to be _ Vollstreker _. 

_ "You do not belong to your family. You do not belong to a lover, to a friend. You do not belong to each other. You do not belong to yourself. You belong to the _ ** _Empire_ ** _ . You belong to _ ** _me_ ** _ ." _

Caleb remembered Master Ikithon's rant all too clearly. He knew the punishment for fraternizing, but his heart had loved anyway. That had been his downfall in the Empire, really. He chose to love, both his companions, and his parents..

_ But what if love isn't a weakness? _

The thought almost seemed to come from outside of himself. He had seen how Jester loved, so fully and fiercely. It was possibly her greatest strength, even if it made her vulnerable. And Molly... Molly's love for everyone and everything overpowered that dark empty space inside of him, and had tapped into something deep in Caleb's soul, even in those early days, when he was still so scared and cut off. It had made Molly's death all the more painful.  
...and Nott, it was her love and kindness that had saved him when he was broken, barely more than a boy with nothing much left in tact of his mind. Nott and Beauregard had met him with love that night so long ago at the inn, even when they found out what he had done to his parents, and they had never turned on him with that information.

The possibility was hopeful, and deeply confusing. Caleb flipped over on his side, momentarily dislodging Frumpkin, and tried to ignore his conflicting emotions. He'd never truly _ had _a partner before. That was change and challenge enough, without assigning more meaning and labels to it.

"Slow down, Widogast. Just take one step at a time." He whispered to himself. He sat up and dressed. If his brain was using the memorized metronome of Cad's heartbeat to set the pace, well, that was fair. It would keep him moving slow, slow enough to clear his head.

* * *

Caleb was completely lost in his thoughts as he left his room, buttoning his coat and walking smack into the person in the hallway.

Caduceus found himself with his arms full of Caleb even earlier than he'd hoped.  
"Hey there." He rumbled with a quiet joy that felt like good sleep, or a warm drink on a drizzly day. His arms wrapped around his partner, almost of their own accord. 

Caleb blinked up at him in surprise. "Oh. Cad. Sorry, I didn't see, ah, good morning."

Caduceus bent down and kissed his forehead. "Good morning."

Caleb shifted to hook his arms around Cad's waist instead of being awkwardly trapped between them. 

"I was, ah, going to see about breakfast before we have to leave. Do you want to join me?" 

"Yeah. Of course. I wanted to visit you first, but here you are." Cad squeezed him. "Right where I was hoping you'd be." 

"In the hallway?"

"In my arms."

Caleb snickered, but there was a little flush to his cheeks, and he rested against Caduceus in a way that certainly looked like happiness. "That was terrible...where do you get your lines?"

"Well, my head, I think. I don't have a lot of references, except _ Tusk Love_. Why? Should I use others?"

Caleb laughed "Nein. Nein. I like you as you are. Though we should perhaps upgrade your reading material." He paused before adding "...and I like being here too." He reached up on his toes and pulled Cad's head down to kiss his cheek before letting go and heading towards the stairs.

"Breakfast, ja?"

* * *

Breakfast was the easiest part of the day, although no one would guess anything was difficult for Caduceus, who was even now breathlessly elated as the Nein trekked across the snow-strewn valley at the foot of the Kiln.

After Caleb moved the party back from the Lavish Chateau to Rosohna and the Xhorhaus, Essek’s transportation to the Flotket Alps had not gone smoothly. Each of them bore some damage from the jump. The magical geography hopping would have been enough, but knowing time was precious, they pushed through towards the steaming volcano, the only non-ice capped mountain in sight. Now as they drew closer, a frozen lake standing in front of them, spots of lava ahead, they had more obstacles to consider.

“Do you think they want something?” Beau asked, thoroughly unsettled as ghostly apparitions gathered around and followed behind the party. They seemed to come from nowhere, and chilled the already frozen landscape.

"Doesn't everyone?" Cad answered. He quieted his mind and tried to connect with the spirits around. They were distant, little more than reflections. There was nothing malicious to their presence. "Maybe they're just lonely."

"Ooh! I know how to fix that!" Jester exclaimed, nearly dancing over the snow. She retrieved _ Tusk Love _ from her haversack and began to give a passionate dramatic reading, if slightly paraphrased. She made sure to include " _ all the best parts." _

Caleb had to admit, it did pass the time, and made the cold and eerie feeling of being followed by a hoard of restless ghosts more tolerable. That, and he enjoyed watching Fjord turn mortified shades of green whenever Jester read a particular portion in his direction. Then there was Cad's innocent smirk at the parts of the story he apparently enjoyed. They were always sweet, and some more sensual than Caleb would have expected. He felt an impish tug at his heart, and for once, heeded it. 

Caleb sidled up to Cad and surreptitiously slid his hand into the other man's. He whispered low:  
"If you like this, we should ** _definitely_ ** add to your reading material, _ mein freund. _ I have some stories I think you'd find to your taste." Giving Cad's hand a squeeze, he let go and fell back in line ahead of him. Caduceus felt his face get hot, and his left ear twitched. 

Caleb chanced a look back, the barest hint of a coy smile played at the corner of his mouth when he caught Cad's eye, before turning his gaze ahead.

_A_ _calculated risk. _

* * *

Caduceus was buzzing with emotion as they reached the foot of the mountain. They were_ here. _ His family might have been here, might _ be _ here. And then there was Caleb, whose flirtations whispered into Cad's mind: _ I see you. I want you with me. I like to see you happy. _

Standing behind Caleb as the group worked out their plans for ascent, Caduceus snuck a hand around Caleb's middle, and Caleb let himself rest against Caduceus. He felt a twist of guilt. He didn't deserve this. Caduceus was going to get hurt. He could already see it in his responses, in the way Cad was developing this magnetic pull towards Caleb. He was so innocent. He had no idea, no idea what Caleb was like, what things Cad had never experienced that Caleb had used for war, or to survive, or because... because he couldn't fight someone off. Caduceus deserved someone so much better, so much less broken. Caleb felt ashamed that he was letting himself fall for Caduceus, in all of his sweet innocence. Letting himself in to destroy it, like he destroyed everything.

But the rumble in Cad's chest _ soothed _him, and those spiraling thoughts rippled apart, like a reflection in a pool, broken by rain. He heaved a quiet sigh. And while Caleb agonized over his past, slowly coming to let himself enjoy the moment, Caduceus was relishing the warmth that oozed over him at the feeling of holding Caleb, and Caleb leaning against him. Caleb loosed himself from the embrace, which had for the moment been graciously missed or ignored by their friends, and offered to carry them up the mountain.

Caleb and Jester cast polymorph, and in giant-eagle form, carried their friends to an entrance in the side of the volcano. Even from here, the heat was tangible. Caduceus led the way in. 

The warmth enveloped the travelers like a blanket, blocking out the chill, and within minutes began to move them from warm to oppressively hot, the closer they came to the bowl of magma in the center of the room. The walls were hung with chains and the makings of fine weapons. A voice called to them through the steam, belonging to Jeramess Dust. They had found the Burning Lodge.

Cad embraced her immediately, and fell into questions and conversation with her and Tyla Dust, Lorekeeper, about his family and theirs, the sword pieces, and the charge the Wildmother had given him. He found out his mother shared the same dream he had, and was looking for those same pieces of glass. With the help of the Dusts, and Nott’s residuum powder, He was setting to work answering so many questions.

Caleb listened to the names of Caduceus' family members, Constance, Corrine, Colton, and watched hope ignite in Cad's face at hearing they had come here. They were alive, not long ago, there was hope that they still were. He was happy for Caduceus. He deserved to have them back safe again. 

"Hey. Watcha lookin at?" Beau asked, bumping into Caleb. She had an impetuous smirk on her face.

"Huh? Oh. Um. It's just, Caduceus looks so…"

_ "Handsome? _" Beau supplied, cocking an eyebrow and leaning against the wall behind them.

"Beauregard. That is not what I was going to say."

"You don't need to, man. You've been saying it for weeks, if someone knew what to look for from you. You forget you're not the only one who has some repressed upbringing shit. I can see right through you. And Clay's not as subtle as you. Not that he doesn't hug everyone, but he's particularly attached to you. How long have you guys been a thing?"

_ A thing? An us? How does she mean? Stealing time together? Sharing affections? Cad asked about labels yesterday, but this back and forth between us, or how long the feelings had been there… _  
"I do not really know. We are barely a _ thing, _if you are calling it that. But we are" Caleb frowned, trying to put words to it. "...fond of each other."

"Yeah, well, whatever you call it, good. I think that's good. You guys could be pretty good for each other, ya know? You have absolutely no chill, and Cad's like _ all _ chill."

"Who says I have no chill? I have chill. I can go outside right now. Stand in the snow. Plenty of chill."

Beau snorted and punched his arm "Exactly, Caleb. Should I keep it to myself?”

“l am not trying to hide it." _Not on purpose._ "Caduceus is not someone to hide. But I would appreciate if you did not make a big deal.” Caleb gave her a look that was alarmingly vulnerable. It was gone in an instant as he stared back over at the Kiln and their hosts. “It is difficult enough to navigate.”

Beau laughed. “That’s why I just fuck ‘em and move on. Don’t have time for attachments. Just have a good time.” They both knew it was a lie.  
Beau added in an uncharacteristically soft tone, “I’m glad you’re letting someone care for you Caleb. I’ll keep it to myself. You can choose when you talk about it. But if he keeps cuddling up to you like he did today, it’ll be sooner rather than later. Just sayin’.”

* * *

Caleb spent most of his evening in the room they were sharing. It was fortunate that Jeramess’ son was traveling, or they’d all be sleeping in the stifling heat and light around the kiln. As it was, Caleb broke away from the others early. He took off his book holsters, and leaving his spellbook in place, he retrieved the other: a journal. He had a lot he needed to process, and a few things he’d like to remember indefinitely. That was the purpose of this book, the one he guarded even more closely than his spells. A record, something of a sacred relic of his ruined life, although, of late, it held stories of the Mighty Nein. He’d begun to wonder if it would turn out to be something other than a tragedy after all.

“There you are!” Jester burst into the room followed by the rest of their friends. “I was looking for you! It’s been so long since we’ve had a sleepover all together!” She grabbed a pillow from the bed and flopped onto the floor next to Caleb. He smirked at her, closing his book. “Jester, we sleep together in a ten foot dome every night on the road.”

“But that’s not the same thing, Caayleb! We’re not hiding from monsters or running from crazy stuff. We’re just hanging out, you know? and we met new people, and I have snacks!”

Jester produced cookies in varying degrees of freshness from her pack, and Beau grabbed two before jumping on the bed, Nott scrambling up beside her. Caduceus and Fjord followed, Fjord carrying some bread and cheese generously gifted by their hosts, while Cad distributed tea cups and poured from his favorite teapot.

He sat next to Caleb, leaning his back against the bed, and inhaled deeply.  
“This is good. I think it’s perfect for a sleepover, Jester. Thank you.” He snagged a cookie from the floor and took a bite, washing it down with tea. He still wasn't sure about sugar.

“You know what this sleepover needs you guys? GHOST STORIES! Does anyone have any ghost stories?”

“Jessie, please, I’m beggin’ you, don’t. Please. I don’t need help havin’ _ more _ nightmares.” His tone was joking, but something told Caduceus that there was more to it than that. He saw Jester back down more quickly than usual, and only muttered something about “scaredy cat” once to herself. He wondered if Jester knew about Fjord’s struggles yet. If Fjord was trusting anyone else with that. To direct them away from Fjord’s discomfort, Cad offered to tell them another story. After some debate of which kind of story, and Cad’s insistence that he didn’t know any smut he could recite, no matter what Beau might prod for, he said he would tell them a legend. Caleb was surprised when the story he began to recite was a modified version of the first tale in _ Dark and Light Nights _. 

The sound of Cad’s rumbling voice beside him, the familiarity of the story, and the warmth of Jester, propping herself up against his side, had Caleb asleep before the end of the first story. He missed Nott spinning a ghoulish yarn just to rattle Fjord, and missed Caduceus gently shifting him to a more comfortable position. Caleb stirred and settled without waking, hand over top of Cad’s on his chest. Fjord smirked, and Jester’s eyes lit up, but Cad pressed a finger to his lips and directed their attention back to Nott. By the end of the night, everyone but Caleb, who stayed remarkably sound asleep, had told at least one story. Warm and happy and tired, the Nein settled in, and found places to sleep.

As Caduceus’ eyes slid closed, one arm still supportively holding Caleb, he looked forward to a long, peaceful rest.

The last thing he expected was to wake up to Fjord, his chest dripping with blood, terror and desperation in his eyes.

* * *

Morning brought with it many answers for the rest of the Nein. Caduceus had spent the night with Fjord, first healing, then listening, talking. Inviting him to meditate, and to embrace who he was. He knew that Fjord had nothing to fear, that he would be as cared for now as ever, and more so with Melora to guide him, but that was something his newfound brother would have to learn for himself.

“Fjord, I am very proud of you. You don’t need a stupid eyeball monster and wet dreams to be strong. You’re strong just the way you are--well, I mean, not _ really _ strong, but we can protect you. And I like this voice, your real voice. I like you.” Jester comforted, referring to the accent he had dropped. 

“Thanks, Jester. I think.” Fjord felt exposed. He didn’t tell them everything. Caduceus knew, but he didn’t really feel comfortable telling the others he had played chicken with his own life against Uk’otoa. But he was telling them more than he had before, and that was a start. What confounded him entirely was the outpouring of care he received from his friends. Each of them gave him something to protect himself with, in some cases, items he knew they were not likely to part with easily, like Caleb’s Glove of Blasting. _ Say what you want about the Mighty Nein, _ Fjord thought, _ but we take care of each other. _

Caleb for his part was impressed with Fjord. He could respect hiding information to keep himself or others safe. He was more glad to have Fjord now than ever, and felt some closeness to him, over the ways he handled power, and the dangers it presented.

But if Fjord’s confessions were brave, there weren’t words for his actions on their trek to the city of Uthodurn. Two dead remorhaz later, Jester having been half eaten, Beau bloodied, Caduceus entirely eaten by one of the monstrous burrowing creatures, Fjord had more than proved his worth. He held the creature that devoured Caduceus with nothing but his own strength and a borrowed whip, until they were able to rescue him.

As Jester and Fjord saw to Cad, Caleb turned to Nott, both thieves glad as ever to find the other had escaped danger. “What about Caduceus?” Nott asked. She saw how fear hedged Caleb’s look of relief.

“Jester can do more for him than I can. And Fjord was beside him the whole time. I don’t...I don’t want to get in the way of any help they can give him.” Caleb told her.

Nott pushed Caleb “Go. Jester’ll get him cleaned up, and then you need to make sure he knows you’re okay. Boys worry. I know. I have one, and two sons.” She winked at him.

She was right. Caduceus was checking over Caleb as soon as Jester okayed him to move, and Caleb stuck close to Caduceus when they were ready to move on. He held his hand, not speaking much, but needing to know that Cad was alright, was close to him, for the little safety his spells could provide.  
_ We do worry. _Caleb thought to himself.

* * *

The rest of the day passed uneventfully, until the group needed to stop for the night. Finding a place had been difficult, and with fear of attack from below, they were unsure of sleeping on the ground. But after a mass falling-out-of-tree experience, they chose a rocky outcropping to sleep. Caleb set up their tiny hut, welcoming his friends into its warmth and relative safety.

Jester knelt behind Fjord after everyone had set out their bedrolls, to heal his pulled muscles and offer a massage, which he accepted eagerly enough that it betrayed how much he was hurting. Caleb sat beside him and offered him a swig from the bottle of whiskey he was still keeping stashed. 

“Thank you, Fjord.” Caleb said. His voice was low and shy. “We would not be here today without you. And I...I especially owe you thanks.” He never lifted his eyes to look Fjord in the face, though he glanced back at Cad. “I wanted to help him, and I couldn’t. You saved him. I will not forget it.” He left the bottle with Fjord, and went back to his space between Caduceus and Nott. Nott was already asleep .Fjord watched Caleb go. “You’re welcome?” He called quietly. 

“I like Caleb.” Jester grinned. “He cares a lot more than he lets people know." She added in a hurried whisper: "_What do you think about him and Caduceus? Are they together? Do you think they're in love?”  
_

"I'm sure I don't think anything about it at all, Jester. Mm. Right under the shoulder blade there. That's perfect."

Jester was engrossed in Fjord's praise and attention, and didn't pry about Caleb further.

Caduceus had spent most of the time in the dome creating water to clean off any residue from his remorhaz encounter, and then warming his hands. A fire didn’t make a lot of sense, but he desperately wanted a cup of tea.

Caleb knelt beside him, and picked up Cad’s teapot. “I could boil some water for you.”

Caduceus’ expression brightened. “Yes please, Caleb. I would really appreciate that. Today went rather differently than I expected, but I think it turned out alright in the end. Tea would definitely put it right.” 

Caleb held the teapot in his hands, as blue flames licked his palms and danced around the bottom of the kettle. They held a small silence between them until the water began to boil. Caleb dropped the fire from his hands and Caduceus added his tea. “Please stay close to me tonight.” Caleb whispered when he leaned in. “Please.” 

“I will, Caleb.”

They finished their tea, and crawled into their bedrolls. Caduceus turned over to face Caleb, rearranging their blankets to be shared, and hugged him close. 

“I was...I was very afraid for you today, Caduceus.”

Cad chuckled “I was afraid for me too. You’re sure _ you _ weren’t hurt?”

“Very sure.” After a moment, Caleb pushed himself up to be eye to eye with his partner. “I just found you. I do not want to lose you.” He lost the nerve to say more, so he kissed Caduceus’ lips gently and scooted back down to his chest. He burried his face in the familiar opening in Cad's shirt, placed a small kiss there, and held tight to his partner.

“Then I’ll just say close.” Cad whispered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A LOT of things. Yes, I'm on the fan theory about Caleb's past sex work and/or sexual abuse. There's just a lot of tells in his character. Again, I'll make sure to post CWs in the opening notes, and will change the rating when appropriate. 
> 
> Sorry for the delay in updates. I've been trying to do weekly, this one just took a bit longer because I had stuff going on. 
> 
> Also, I'm going to start working on some outlines for Clayleb Week 2019, so woohoo!
> 
> Thanks for all the love, humans!


	9. Forged Family

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spoilers for Ep. 74-76  
Adventuring in Uthodurn, making new friends, and discovering that these people are your family. Team bonding fluff in addition to Clayleb fluff in this one.

"I like her."

"She's terrifying."

Caleb and Caduceus stopped outside of the Vellum Steeple Archive in Uthodurn as the rest of their party went inside. They had found a smith, Umagorn, who could reforge the sword, but the task wouldn't be easy. They needed iceflex: mithril infused with the breath of a white dragon. A friend of Umagorn's had offered to join them for the task: Reani, a beautiful, brown skinned Aasimar, sporting a halo and a penchant for brutal justice. Thanks to her connections, they had their mithril, and with an additional bargain they could even get refined residuum for Caduceus, but Caleb still had reservations. 

"Terrifying? Caleb, Reani's so helpful, and she's sweet and she made us tea. How is that scary? I don't think we'd be nearly as far along in this errand if she hadn't found us."

"That is easy for you to say. _ You _are good, and kind. 'Evil has to die,' remember?"

Caduceus cocked his head to the side. "And why does that bother you? Aren't we battling evil too? We're getting this sword reforged to fight an ancient evil. We're going to save Yasha, not to mention thousands of others. That's all pretty clearly_ not evil. _”

"And what about Yasha? Is she evil if she's not in control of herself?" He thought about Reani's reaction to the possibility that Yasha was bad. She said so matter of factly that she would have to kill her. He thought about what Jester has seen in her last scry. Yasha had been _ crying _. He remembered that feeling: hating what you were doing, and not being able to stop yourself from doing it.

Cad watched Caleb's expression as his sentence trailed off. He realized, a bit delayed, what Caleb was afraid of: Reani reminded Caleb of the awful things he believed about himself, the things he thought he deserved.

"No. Having your control over yourself ripped away from you is not evil. _ Taking _ someone's control away from them is one of the most disgusting, vile...I can't even imagine it..." He made sure he had Caleb's full attention and looked him directly in the eye, placing a hand on his shoulder. " **And it is not your fault. **It doesn't make you, doesn't make her evil." Cad released his gaze, knowing it was hard for Caleb to hold for long, especially in moments like this. 

"Oban is doing the evil here. Not Yasha. I believe that with all my heart. Caleb, I know I have learned a lot since I met all of you. Before I left home, I saw things as simple that weren't. It felt safer that way. With you all, I realized how much more there was to understand. That there's a lot more to it than what seems like "good" and "bad." Reani is probably learning that too. Maybe we're here to help her learn."

Caleb didn't have an answer for that. He stared at the ground, wondering if all the evil in his life would ever, _ could _ever, be outweighed by the good. His mind poured over his past. Even if he wasn't in control, they were still his hands...he could have stopped. Couldn't he? It made him feel sick.

Cad saw Caleb drifting in the prolonged silence.

"Hey. Hey, now. Don't go there. Stay present with me. You are not evil, Caleb. There are a lot of things I don't know, but I do know for sure that you are good. I hope someday you’ll believe me about that." Cad pressed a kiss to Caleb's lips, relieved to feel the slight pressure as he kissed back. _ Not too far down that train of thought then. _

"Come on. There are books waiting for you."

* * *

Diving into research at least distracted Caleb from the thoughts Reani had given him about good and evil. They were concepts Caleb had never had the luxury of aligning with, at least not so concretely. One thing was for sure: 10 gold an hour to read a book in a library was definitely evil.

His annoyance at the fee was enough to pull him out of his focus and tune into Jester and Nott chatting beside him.

"I always felt kind of sorry for Ruidis, you know?" Jester was saying.

"Why?" Nott asked. _ It's a hunk of rock in the sky. What's to be sorry for? _

Caleb nodded. "Less noticed than its sister." He said quietly. Jester may not have even heard him.

She continued "Well, it’s got this big flashy sister always trying to take all its attention. I don’t know."

Caleb answered her with compassion "Little sister feeling practically invisible."

Jester gave Caleb a grateful smile, almost surprised to see him making eye contact with her. He so rarely did. “It's good little moon Ruidis has you then, to think of her. She's not forgotten after all."

It would be wonderful to say that the rest of their study session continued productively, but the Mighty Nein had no such luck. By the end of it, Caleb had a flesh wound from Nott's failed attempt at Modern Literature, Nott and Caleb were permanently banned from the Archive, and all of them had been thrown out. The good news was that they had a location for the next step in their quest.They'd gotten their mithril. They would find their dragon in Mythburrow. They just needed to get there. And Caleb had managed to steal a spell.

Reani’s connections and Beau’s platinum-lined apologies went a long way towards fixing the ban, a stroke of fortune.

_ Maybe Reani is not so frightening after all _Caleb mused. He owed Beauregard. She had gotten them back into the Archive. She made sure he would have access to the teleportation circle. She looked out for his interests far more than he deserved. He gave her a small smile and bumped her shoulder just before they were transported back to Rosohna to beg another transport off of Essek.

* * *

Essek had somewhat reluctantly obliged the Nein plus one, and they found themselves in the snowy atmosphere of Mythburrow. Evening fell outside what they had determined must be the dragon’s cave, and having cleared the area of yeti-shaped danger, they decided it was better to rest before facing the next challenge. Caduceus saw this as an excellent time for some mentorship with Fjord. Caleb watched them exit the dome with interest. He loved the way Cad made _ space _for people. When he had something important to say, it was always so gentle, and private, respectful of the weight it might carry, the impact it might have on the hearer. So while having them both outside the protection of the dome unsettled him, he comforted himself with the fact that Caduceus was creating space for Fjord in the light of his new life. 

While Fjord and Caduceus communed with the Wildmother, Caleb joined the girls, all sitting together listening to Reani’s stories, which Beau in particular would fawn over, or try to match with one of her own. Nott found a familiar space in Caleb’s lap as soon as he sat down. The tiny hut spell kept them warm and dry, eliminating the need to share body heat, but they were both so used to the presence of each other. It made them feel more at home.

Soon, Caleb noticed how quiet Jester was being. He thought about what she had said back at the archive about Ruidis. He had seen in the past how often she would feel threatened by people she thought were stronger than her, or who she feared had more intimate relationships with a friend than she did. He waited for a lull in the conversation.  
“Jester, can we play a game?”

“I like games, what kind of game?”

“It is a drawing game. We each name one animal, and you create a new animal that has parts from all of the animals we choose.”

“Oooh! I like that!” Reani said excitedly. “I didn’t know you were an artist, Jester!”

“She is, and a very good one at that.” Caleb complimented. Jester beamed.

“Alright! What animals do you have for me--I will make you a magnificent beast!”

“Just make sure you’re using regular ink, not magic ink.” Nott warned.

“I don’t know, a tiny Jester-monster could be fun to have around.”

“Beauregard, you cannot even keep track of non-magical pets. You do not get to add a Jester-monster to the list of ones you’ve lost.” Caleb admonished.

“Stupid Professor Thaddeus.”

Caduceus and Fjord came back inside, finding their friends laughing over the portrait of a Mamoadfocock: a mammoth-toad-wolf-peacock that Jester had affectionately named “Alonzo.” Fjord took a place next to Jester, and Cad scooted behind Caleb, a leg on either side, enveloping both him and Nott in a hug. Resting his chin on Caleb’s head, he heaved a long, contented sigh. “Mm.This is nice.”

Fjord looked over Alonzo’s portrait. “I...like it, Jester. It’s cute, in an unsettling sort of way.”

* * *

Getting a dragon to breathe on something for you was anxious, dangerous work, especially when it is unlikely they’ll respond well to simply being asked, although, as Caduceus thought about it, they didn’t really try to ask. They could have at least tried. Caduceus was a little disappointed by that, but nevertheless grateful that they all got out of there in one piece. He was beginning to feel the weight again, moving so fast from one thing to another, frantic, always fleeing, escaping. He felt strange about it, knowing that this time, it was his doing: His need to help Fjord in seeking a destiny with the Wildmother. His need for residuum that brought them to scout out the Tumblecarve’s residence, to go there tomorrow to steal back a ring in exchange for those precious crystals. He didn’t even know what they were for, but they would help his forest, and Melora had asked for them. He felt the pressure of Oban and the Laughing Hand pursuing them constantly. It was all beginning to feel like a lot. Almost like too much. He wanted to relax with the others in the pillowfort they had made in Reani’s living room, but he couldn’t. Instead he stood in the kitchen, slowly sipping his tea and staring out the window. He barely noticed Beau and Caleb coming back from their errand at the archive. 

Beau immediately joined everyone else in the heap of blankets, pillows, and bedrolls, greeted by hugs from Jester, and Reanie who was blushing heavily. Caleb noticed a missing person from their group and crept off to the kitchen. Sure enough, there was Cad. “Hi.” Caleb cleared his throat.

“Hm? Oh. Hi.” Cad turned only slightly away from the window. 

“Are you alright?”

Caduceus set his tea cup down, and leaned on the counter in front of him. “Maybe just tired.”

“Do you want me to leave you alone?”

Cad shook his head “No. Please.” He motioned for Caleb to come closer.

Caleb was pulled under Cad’s arm as soon as he was in reach. Caduceus sagged against him. 

“Apparently very tired. Did something happen?”

“No, it’s just, hmm, the pace? Of everything?”

“Things are moving too fast again, ja? You miss the garden?”

“Yeah. Yeah. Exactly.”

“I do not think it will always be this way, but I cannot say. I don’t need to remind you of what is behind us, or what is ahead, I think. We are pressing on fast because we have to. You’ve said before that it wears on you, I did not think about the extra burden all this running would put on you. You are right to feel tired. This is a lot for all of us, ja? But especially you. It is alright to rest, Caduceus. I heard...someone told me once that if you take time when you can get it, even little bits, to slow down in your mind, it helps. Even if we can’t slow down so much physically.”  
Wulf used to tell him that. _ We’re not going to get a break out there. You’ve got to learn to slow down in your mind, Bren. _He had never been good at it, but the idea made sense.

“How can I help you slow down?”

Caduceus loved everything about that question. It was the kind of question he understood, knew how to answer. It was something he wasn’t used to hearing from Caleb, and that made Cad feel all the more cared for.

“This.This helps. Having you to lean on, to look forward to...” 

Caleb remembered the things that used to help his mind slow down, or stop altogether, in a good way. At the academy...well, he couldn’t do most of that for Caduceus right now, but he could do something. He shifted himself between Cad and the counter, and hopped up.  
“May I kiss you?”

“Um, yeah. Yes.” It wasn’t what he expected, but he was glad to receive what Caleb offered. Caleb took his face in his hands, and kissed him slowly. He massaged Cad’s scalp, gently gripped his hair. He guided Caduceus with his touch, breathing deeply, cautious as he deepened the kiss. He felt Cad’s grip tighten and his mouth open in response. _ That’s it. _ Caleb thought. _ Relax. Let go. _ And to his surprise he found himself obeying the mental encouragements he was directing at his partner. Caleb felt the kiss go on for minutes, for hours, for days, for no time at all. _ No time at all. Perfect. _

Caduceus was lost in a world of sensory affection. The slide of Caleb’s tongue against his lips was electric, and feather-soft. When Caleb’s tongue found his own, Cad held on for dear life. His body buzzed from head to toe. Everything fell away. He and Caleb were the only two people in the world. He was sure this was magic, but not the kind you learned from books. _ Safe. Slow. Warm. Wanted. _An effervescent feeling bubbled in his chest, tingling down into his gut.

“Gross--this isn’t our house you know!” Nott hissed in a whisper as she walked into the kitchen, on a quest for snacks. Truthfully, she had offered to get the cupcakes Jester left in there because she had a feeling about what she would see, and she didn’t want Caleb to have to hear it from anyone else. The exclamation was partly to warn them that someone else might follow, and partly because it was fun to bother Caleb when she was right.

Caleb was slow to react, and by Cad’s hazy expression, he was pretty sure Caduceus would not have even noticed Nott if Caleb hadn’t pulled away.

“Ja. Sorry. We were just taking a minute to slow down.” Caleb’s ice blue eyes stayed locked onto Cad’s as he spoke. Cad blushed. He wanted nothing more than to pull Caleb back against him and have more of that, but he knew better. He didn’t want to be rude.

“Looked like you were speeding up to me.” Nott quipped with a wink. She took the plate of cupcakes with her and left.

“We should probably go join them too, huh?” Cad asked. He bumped his forehead affectionately against Caleb’s, stealing another small kiss.

“Probably. Yes.” Caleb stole three more kisses before getting off of the counter, not all of them small. “I can massage your shoulders if you like. I used to do it a lot for my classmates at the academy.” 

Caleb remembered those times well. Wulf held all of his tension in his massive shoulders, and he always said Bren’s nimble hands were the only thing that worked to relax them. Astrid would get cramps, and Bren would use his magic to warm his hands and rub the tension out of her lower back. She never would tell anyone she was hurting, wouldn’t ask for help or even a break, but they shared living quarters and a bed often enough that he knew when, knew that the second day would be the worst, and would be there before bed to help, She never turned him down. This was a kindness his hands could make, a touch that wasn't destructive. This was something worth giving to Caduceus. 

“I’d--yeah. Yes. Please.” Cad answered, glad to have more touch and almost excited that Caleb would be comfortable giving that kind of affection in front of the others.

So Caleb led the way back to the living room and sat on a pile of cushions with Caduceus resting between his knees. They laughed with their friends late into the evening. He worked the tension from Cad’s neck and shoulders until Cad could barely hold his head up, and rested it on Caleb’s leg, letting his partner play with his hair. And for a while, just a little, Caleb felt like this could be normal. This could be fine. They were together. His friends knew, they had to know, and they weren’t angry. He wasn’t in trouble. Maybe Caduceus wouldn’t get hurt. He loved these people like family, and maybe that was good. Maybe this time it could be enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next chapter will be shorter. I have big ideas for the one after that. I'm honestly enjoying writing some good heals and feels SO MUCH. Thank you for the kudos and comments. They have been so encouraging! I started this as a means of beating writers block, and it's just such a good outlet for me. It's amazing to share it with other people.
> 
> Thanks for reading!


	10. Resolve

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spoilers for Ep 76
> 
> A LOT going on in this chapter. Teammate Bonding? Yes. Relationship development: YES. Backstory issues? Yes! Bread? OF COURSE!
> 
> CW/TW: Remembered conversation between Bren & Astrid implies unhealthy physical relationships within their work as Vollstrecker

Something wonderful woke Caleb, and wouldn't let him get back to sleep. He tossed and turned, finally giving in. It was still dark. Caleb could tell they had 2 hours before the rest of the party woke for their pre-dawn thievery._ Where is it coming from?  
_ He picked his way through the tangle of blankets and limbs, the aftermath of their slumber party. Stumbling into the kitchen, he found Reani and Jester, covered in flour, giggling and hovering over their utterly _ divine _creation.

"Oh my gods, ** _bread_ **." Caleb gasped and descended upon the loaf with them, tearing into it greedily.

"I know, right?" Jester chimed. 

"You are an absolute angel, both of you. You know this, ja?"

"Well, literally yes, I am, but I get your point." Reani teased.

"Did you dream about bread too, Caleb? I dreamed I was a bat and flying and searching for bread, but all the world’s bread was gone. When I woke up it was all I could think about--"

"And Jester wouldn't stop flopping around, which woke me up, so we got up and made bread."

"We were going to wake you too, Caleb, but you looked ** _suuuper cozy" _ **Jester waggled her eyebrows at him, but Caleb pretended not to notice.

"Lucky for me then, I woke up before it was gone. I thought the craving would wear off after the polymorph, but not so much."

"We made two loaves, since we're going to go back today and we promised the bats…"

"That sounds very fair. They earned it. Gods, I forgot how good bread is...This is the best thing I have ever eaten."

"It's because it's bread and it is **perfect**." Jester explained through a delighted mouthful.

Caleb eyed the second loaf. "You know, bats are small. Maybe they do not need a _ whole _ loaf of bread to themselves…"

* * *

Caduceus woke up an hour before the rest of the party, feeling as though he had just left someplace wonderful. He didn't remember the specifics, but there was warm, dappled sunlight on his skin, green shoots coming up from the ground, a flash of auburn hair, pale, ink-splattered fingertips, and an unmistakable laugh, one that was so rarely heard. 

The laugh carried on when he opened his eyes. His ear twitched up, swishing in the direction of the sound. He stood and stretched. Following the musical laughter, he stopped in the kitchen doorway. 

"...and he ate the ** _whole thing!_ **" Jester squealed with pride, trying valiantly to keep her voice down.

Caleb was laughing over a pan of scrambled eggs, a kettle on next to it, coffee ready to brew. One cup with a sachet of tea sat apart. Caduceus felt his heart melt. 

"You didn't tell him? Nobody told him?" Reani asked in disbelief.

"** _No. _ ** Of course not. He said my Mama wasn't the best singer he'd ever heard. My Mama is _ amazing, _ and that guy was rude, and obviously stupid if he thought my Mama wasn't the best, and that kind of rude is evil, Reani. _ Especially _about The Ruby of the Sea."

"I bet the Traveler was very impressed with you." Caleb said, turning to face them. He caught sight of Cad in the doorway, and Caduceus was sure he saw Caleb's smile widen.

"Hallo."

"Hey. Hi." Cad couldn't stop staring at his partner. Sleepy, messy, happy. _ His. _ Cad _ wanted _, he couldn't tell exactly what, but he wanted with his whole being. He found himself wishing they could stop time, or that he could steal Caleb away, and go back home to his garden, shower him in kindness and never let anyone hurt him again.

"Pinkie! There's bread. Want some?"

"I am afraid there is very little bread left to share. But we could cut you a slice. There are eggs, and tea," Caleb offered.

"This is... wow. It's not every morning someone else makes me breakfast." 

"You just can't tell anyone else about the bread. They can't have any. We need it for the bats." Jester warned.

"Well of course." Caduceus answered as if this were the most natural thing in the world. "Bats need bread too." He took a seat at the tiny table in the exquisitely cramped kitchen.

"You have no idea." Caleb assured him. He set out milk, sugar and coffee for Jester and Reani, and while they busied themselves with their drinks, Caleb brought the tea over to Caduceus and whispered against his ear "_ Guten morgen, schatz," _and, placing a kiss beside his greeting, he disappeared back to the stove. Cad shivered. He sipped the tea and found Caleb had made his favorite morning blend. Of course he had. Caleb paid attention to everything.

Reani eyed Caduceus as she sat back down with her thoroughly doctored coffee. "Pinkie, you're extra pink this morning. Is that normal?"

"Hmm? Oh, um, just when I'm having a particularly good morning, I guess." 

Jester stared holes into the back of Caleb's head, desperate to see him give a hint that _ he _ was the cause of such a "good morning," but he never turned away from the stove.

* * *

For once, things went more or less to plan, as the party infiltrated the Tumblecarve manor. They only had to kill one guard, and they got out with the ring and a book, and no one was eaten by a rug. Caleb couldn't help but remind Fjord of the last time they ran a mission like this. "You put a sword to my throat." He didn't mean it as an accusation, but the memory stung a little, especially when he recalled how Molly had also cornered him. He didn't trust anyone back then, no one trusted him. Things had changed so much. "I am glad we get another chance under better circumstances, ja?"

"I am too, Caleb. Can't say I’d put a sword to your throat these days."

"Well, you do not have one. So no, you could not." Caleb deadpanned, pleased when he got a laugh out of Fjord.

It was a swift retreat from the house when Nott tripped an alarm, but they got out unscathed, and made for Ava's place to trade for the residuum. Their errand complete, they went to Umagorn, who began gathering tools, packing for the journey. This was a pilgrimage for him, and a chance to prove his worth. 

While the rest of the party talked and helped him pack, Cad found himself extremely distracted. He had been since breakfast. _ Take the little breaks you can _. He wanted to show Caleb something of what he felt this morning, needed to tell him part of it, at least. Maybe not in words. He didn't quite have words. Caduceus found Caleb and took his hand. "Can I have a minute alone with you?" His thumb grazed restlessly across Caleb's skin.

"Ja. Of course. Are you alright?"

"Yeah. I'm good. Really good. Just need a moment with you." _ Need? _Cad wasn't sure if that was entirely accurate, but he couldn't focus on a conversation he would normally be engrossed in because of the pull he felt towards Caleb. That was certainly like need.

Caleb cast message to Nott: _ Stepping out for a minute with Caduceus. We are fine. Be right back. _

They slipped outside and into a secluded little corner behind the smithy. 

"What do you need, Ca--"

Caduceus kissed Caleb hungrily, biting his bottom lip with blunt teeth, pushing a hand into his hair. His other arm embraced Caleb, holding him steady, firm but gentle.

The shock left Caleb dizzy. The world slipped beneath his feet and a quiet moan broke in his throat. Caduceus chased the sound, relishing it. Caleb clung to his shoulders, and took in Cad’s touch, his sounds and his presence--it was warm, beautiful, staggering.

Caduceus came up for air, smiling, lips and eyes glistening.

"Mm. Wow.” Caleb blinked his eyes open. "What did I do to deserve that?" He was flushed down to his neck. His arms slid around Cad's waist as he dropped his gaze. 

"Nothing. Just...being you. I needed to tell you--I don’t have the right _ words... _ You're beautiful. You made me breakfast. You knew my tea. You _ laughed _, and it was the prettiest song I've ever heard. But it’s more than that, and I needed to say it..."

Cad ran his thumb over Caleb's cheek and Caleb found the courage to meet his eyes. "I feel..._ so much _ for you Caleb. So much…" Caduceus didn’t know how to explain it, and he thought that might be for the best. He was probably overwhelming this poor man.

"I think...I think I know what you mean. Me...me too." Caleb breathed. He pressed against Caduceus. “You’re very fluent for someone who is...ah, new to non-spoken language.”

“Only new to some kinds.” Cad reminded him.

They held each other until Caleb heard Nott's voice chime in his head: _ We're leaving, with or without you. You can reply to this message. _

* * *

The scene crashed, unbidden, into Caleb’s mind as they rode on goat-back to the Cinderrest Sanctum.

_ "You shouldn't be here, Bren." _

_ "But I want to be here. And you asked me to." _

_ "It was a moment of weakness. I shouldn’t have, and you shouldn’t have listened. We can't keep doing this. We are Vollstreker. We are above _ this.. _ this, this dallying around. It is ridiculous. It’s a distraction, and...and you are just going to get hurt." _

_ "I already get hurt, Astrid." Bren closed the space between them, his hand found a familiar spot on her hip. She winced, and Bren hated it. "So do you. I'd rather hold on to the parts that don't hurt. The times with you. It makes the other times bearable." _

_ He leaned forward and kissed her, soft and slow, gentle like no one else treated her. Asking permission, like no one else did. She gave her permission. She always did. She couldn't help it. He'd burrowed into her heart. But that was foolishness. Astrid was strong. She could dig it out before it festered. _

_ Breathless, Bren pulled away, stroking her hair, trailing his hand down the curves of her silhouette. _

_ "I love you, Astrid." _

_ She laughed, clipped and bitter. "That is childish fantasy, Ermundrud. And treason. You don't love me." _

_ "I do. And I don't care. I can serve the empire without killing my heart. It's not treason. We are still human, and I do love you." _

_ "Then you're a fool...but a dear fool." She kissed him again, "I'll keep you, at least for now. Just this once. Just tonight..." _

_ Bren laughed warmly, though part of his heart was breaking. “You said that last time too.” _

Caleb felt like he was going to be sick, and when they stopped to take a rest, he took off into the woods. He emptied his stomach & covered it with snow. Rinsing his mouth with his canteen, he tried to breathe, to remember the things he’d been learning since he found this group of assholes. 

_ You are not a child anymore. You are not someone else's puppet. You don’t have to beg. You don’t have to get punished. Caduceus is not Astrid. He is not Wulf. This is different. You can care about him. You can...love him if you want. If it comes to that. Later. There's nothing you have to hide from anymore. Caring about him won’t destroy anything. It hasn’t yet. And he’s not going to hurt you like that. You aren’t going to hurt him. _

_ But it's wrong. _ He argued back against himself. _ You hurt everyone you love. You don't deserve love. _

_ Please stop. Please. Don't ruin this. We're moving forward. It doesn't have to be like this. It's... it's not... _

"Cay--you alright?"

Nott was making her way through the trees towards him.

"Ja, _ schatz, _I am okay. Just, ah, riding sickness I suppose."

"Caleb, you don't get riding sickness."

Caleb sighed. "No. But you could play along."

"No. Not when you look like that. Are you sick? What happened?"

"Just the past catching up with my present." He fell back against a tree, staring up in silence through snow-covered branches. "What the fuck am I doing, Nott?''

"Like, right now? Puking behind a tree, from what I can tell."

"What am I doing with _ Caduceus _? I care about him. I care...too much."

"I don't think so. I think you care about him like a normal, healthy person would care about another normal, healthy person who they like to make out with like all of their friends can't clearly see them." She joked at him, but seeing his tension, she changed her tone and took his hand. "And you're second guessing that because you've never been a healthy person who has healthy make outs with anyone. It's new. It's scary. But it's not wrong, Caleb. Love isn't wrong."

"It's weakness. And it gets people hurt." 

"**No. ** No it is not. Love is the only thing that kept me going when I got turned into a monster. When I lost my family. When my son was growing up without me. Love kept me hoping when my husband got kidnapped. And it's kept you safe more times than you know, Caleb.  
Do what you want, what's right for you, but don't blame love for what the heartless people in your past did to you. And...if you want my opinion, I think you should stop letting them steal things from you, like the chance to care about someone, and let him care about you."

Caleb slid down the tree and sat in a heap of snow. He extended an arm to Nott and she hugged him.. 

"I love you, Caleb."

Caleb nodded into her shoulder. "... you too." He choked out. "I love you too." 

Nott felt tears hit her shoulder. She squeezed him tighter. "Come on. The sooner we get back on the road the sooner we can be done with all this cold and vomit nonsense."

* * *

The haggard group raced to arrive at the Cinderrest Sanctum, at the Kiln, before nightfall. Umagorn wasted no time in getting to work reforging the sword. He was prepared to work long into the night. Fjord watched on eagerly. Caduceus had something else to attend to.

Not caring for the heat, or the pain, or anything but carrying out his task for the Wildmother, Caduceus Clay pushed himself to the edge of the Kiln, and threw in the residuum. The green, textured glass morphed into smooth, pink and purple hued crystal, roots seeming to grow from the end of each piece. Taking them from the magma, Caduceus found they were cool to the touch.

A change had occurred, but without explanation. He sat with the pieces for a while, before taking them to the only other person he could think of who might know what it meant.

Caleb heard a tapping on his door. Jeramess Dust had taken the time to clear out quarters for them since they were last here: rooms previously used by smiths traveling to the Kiln to create great works. Caleb wanted to use the time to work on his spells. Others had destiny, he could at least do work. He set aside his spell book and opened the door.

“Oh, Caduceus.” Caleb looked surprised to see him.  
“Hi. Can I come in? I wanted to ask you something...but it might be, um, painful. It’s about the residuum crystals...what they used on you…”   
“If there is any way I can help, I will.” Caleb was honestly relieved. Right now, he was much more comfortable talking about the experiments Trent subjected him to than the jump in his stomach every time he saw Cad, the desire to kiss him the moment he opened the door, and the fear of what that meant, what his reckless choices with the man had already created.

Caduceus sat on the bed with Caleb as he explained what he had done with the crystals, and held one out for Caleb’s inspection. Caleb found the object mystifying, and utterly, mercifully, unfamiliar. It bore no resemblance to anything he’d ever seen, and he told Cad as much.   
“I wish I knew more about it, or anything about it. I’m afraid all I know is it’s beautiful, and strange...like you.” 

The words were out of his mouth before he had a chance to stop them. And they were true. The crystal reflected the color of Cad’s eyes in brighter spots, and the softness of his hair in duller points, the purple twisting down into the roots of the thing even had touches of the dove-grey that covered Caduceus' skin.

"That's...thank you, Mr. Caleb. That's one of the nicest things anyone's ever said about me." 

Caleb couldn't help but laugh "Call you strange?"

"And beautiful. I like those things together."

Caleb fell silent, warring with himself. He wanted to tell Caduceus exactly how beautiful he was, how fascinating and kind and treasured. And he wanted to tell him to run, to get out of here and find someone who could love him better, who wouldn’t tear him apart.

After a minute or so, Caduceus gently interrupted the silence. "Are you alright, Caleb? It's just, you seemed to be doing well this morning. Really well, if you don't mind me saying so. But something is... different. Maybe a little off kilter I thought maybe it was the travel, but it seems like it’s here too."

Caleb nodded. He could have fooled around with someone who wouldn't notice his feelings, someone who wouldn't care. But of course not. He was falling for a man who was beautiful and dangerously perceptive. Lying wasn't any use, and truth be told he didn't want to lie, not to Caduceus. Scared as he was, Caleb didn't want to fight against the care he had for Cad. The joy he got from him. It was just that letting himself have this was so damned difficult.

"I am...alright. Ja. A lot on my mind during the journey. Things catching up to me."

Caduceus nodded. "Be careful with yourself, Caleb. Sometimes you get a little too much into your own head. You're not as kind to yourself as you should be. Remember what Miss Caliana wrote to you, about iron weights.

I'm going back out to see the others. I'm too keyed up for an early night. Want to come with me?"

Caleb shook his head. "I am not quite in the mood for company just now. I might be a little later. I have some transcribing to finish." 

"Mm. Well, don't over do it. Come find us if you want anything." He kissed Caleb's cheek and returned to the rest of the group.

* * *

It was a couple of hours before Caleb emerged, dry-eyed from hunching over his book by candlelight. He hoped for the company of friends. He rounded the corner of the common room just in time to see Reani & Beau stumble off together, Beau with her romance-swagger on in full display. He saw Nott cast invisibility in sheer embarrassment, as Caduceus and Jester marveled at Beau's uncanny ability to charm the pants off of every woman they met, without giving up her granite-and-sandpaper style of abrasiveness. The two clerics wandered into an adjacent room, and Caleb decided it was a good time to have a chat with his dearest friend.

“I know you are in here, ja? I saw you bamf away. I wanted to talk to you...”

Caleb hadn’t really planned to talk to her about drinking. It just...happened. His head was in that space, where he got afraid for the people he cared about, thinking about the ways he could lose them, or hurt them. He was afraid of losing her to her habit, and glad that she was starting to shift in another direction.   
He didn’t expect to find out that drinking was a safety net, something that made her feel brave, that it helped her deal with feeling like she had to protect everyone.   
“I have faith in you Nott. If you want to do different, I know you can.” Faith? When did he start thinking in those terms? He thought of the faith Cad had put in him, had complimented him for having in his friends. The concept was growing on Caleb.   
“I wish you would let me see you.” Caleb tried. He wanted to hug her, to show her she wasn’t alone, she didn’t have to protect everyone alone. But she stayed silent, invisible.

“You, ah, you helped me today, Nott the Brave. I would not be here without you. I am so, so proud of you, and so thankful.”

“I...thank you, Caleb.”

He sat in silence for a few minutes, and realizing she had gone, dropped his head into his hands.

In the quiet where no one could see, Nott the Brave resolved to try. She would try to get better. She would try to be worthy of this man who was working so hard to help her, of her husband and her son who loved her, of a better life than her body let her have. She took another swig from her flask. She wished it was that easy.

  


* * * 

Jester and Caduceus watched from the doorway as Caleb sat down in the common room. 

“Caduceus, I think Caleb is going crazy.”

“Oh, what makes you think so?”  
“He’s talking to himself.” She pointed in his direction.

“I think he’s talking to Nott.”

“Ooooh. That makes way more sense. He still looks kinda crazy though.”

“I don’t know. I think he looks nice. That coat is very nice on him.”

Jester gave Caduceus a sideways look. “Oh? Yeah, I guess it is. And he smells good. He’s been a lot cleaner since we got out of the empire.”

“He has...but I always thought he smelled good. He does smell especially good lately. Caleb’s good.” He stared at Caleb with an absent sort of grin. 

Jester poked a little further, interested to see if she could get gossip from Caduceus that Caleb had refused to provide this morning. “Uh huh. Is he a good kisser?”

“Yeah. He’s very good at that.”

“I KNEW it! How long?”

“How long what?”

“How long have you guys been, you know, a thing? Like, a kissing thing?”  
“Well, we weren’t trying to keep it a secret, exactly. I don’t know really. I don’t know how people count these kinds of things.”

“In my books, people start getting these feelings, and like, losing sleep over the other person, and they think about them all the time, and then somebody sweeps somebody else off their feet and they make out and it’s suuuuper romantic!”

“Huh. I don’t know. I guess there is some of that, though the kissing is pretty new. But it’s...different. Quieter, maybe. I like him, a lot, and he likes me, though I think that frightens him sometimes. Just, go easy on him, Jester. He gets overwhelmed when there’s a lot of questions directed at him, especially about how he feels...  
Are we really out of cupcakes?”

“Oh, no. I totally have more.” Jester handed him one, and took one for herself. 

“These are delicious. You are wonderful, Jester. Thank you. You deserve more credit than you get, I think. You definitely deserve cupcakes.”

Jester bumped her shoulder against Caduceus, smiling “Well, everybody deserves cupcakes.”

“Yeah, but you especially. You’re a good friend, and a good cleric. I’m glad to have you.”

The two enjoyed their treats together, Cad wondering a little about the idea of “deserving.” Caleb always used it to say such terrible things about himself, but when someone needed a confidence boost, needed to believe a little more in themselves, it could be exactly the right word. If Caleb could turn that word around in his head, as a tool to climb up rather than to tear himself down, it could be helpful.

Eyes drooping, Jester finally said goodnight to Caduceus. He swept her up in a hug as she skipped off to sleep. Caduceus decided to take a walk. He passed Reani and Beau and quickly slipped by, hoping not to interrupt. He marveled as he watched Umagorn, almost in a trance, working mithril and fire, hammer and blade, forging something from his very soul. He saw Fjord’s silhouette, seated outside of the cave mouth. 

_ Leave him for now, my Clay. Your friend and I are having a very important conversation. No distractions. _ Melora’s voice was proud and almost playful, and Caduceus felt a peace about it.

* * *

Fjord left the rest of the Mighty Nein inside the Cinderrest Sanctum, and on the mountainside, found himself overcome in supernatural sleep. A battle brewed within his heart, and he fought. He did not want power at any cost. He did not want to be the puppet of a monster. His destiny held something greater. Fjord resolved to protect the creation the Wildmother called him to, to live for a greater purpose, rather than die the thrall of a beast.

* * *

Caduceus found Caleb had hardly moved from the spot where he left him. Nott must have gone. Caleb was asleep, face down on the table.

“Caleb?” Caduceus whispered.

Caleb’s head shot up “Ja?”

“Sorry, did I wake you?”

“Nein. Eh, well, maybe. I didn’t mean to.”

“It’s alright. It’s late. You can sleep, but that’ll be nicer in a bed than at a table.”

Caleb nodded, rubbing at his eye. “Where are you sleeping?” 

“Just down the hall. They found a firbolg-sized bed for me in one of the rooms. It’s amazing. I wonder what this place was like when it was at its height. So full of life, and art. Great craftsmen here to honor their patrons,to forge their destinies.”

Caleb smiled. He liked when Caduceus got excited about the stories a place held. He liked so much about Caduceus, and in this moment, he wanted to be okay with that. Maybe it was knowing how much he wished Nott had let him care for her, as she had done for him. Maybe it was just that he was exhausted, and not up for another fight with himself. Maybe it was that he truly cared for Caduceus, more than he hated himself. Whatever the case, Caleb let the liking speak for him.

“Is there room for me? In your bed?”

“Of course.” It came out as a whisper, full of surprise and joy. Caleb had not been the one to offer, to ask for affection, unless one of them was really hurting. Cad felt his stomach flip.

“Let’s go to sleep then.” Caleb took his hand and motioned for him to lead on. Caduceus, ever thoughtful, stopped by Caleb’s room so he could grab his spell books and anything else he might need.

Cad’s room was bare, only a small night stand, a wash basin and a large bed, with some hooks on the wall. Caleb laid down his things and lit the lantern. He felt the weight of his limbs. He was so tired. He lost no time as he hung up his coat and shirt.

Caduceus watched with a sense of _ deja vu _ as Caleb’s shirt found a hook. He recalled that morning at the Xhorhaus, when Caleb had stayed up all night, and let Caduceus talk him into a nap. Caduceus had loved that Caleb would let him see that vulnerable state. Now Caleb was _ asking _ to share it with him. It felt special, sacred. So much had changed.   
  
Caleb noticed Cad staring at him and blushed, but continued to undress, pulling on a loose pair of trousers from his pack to sleep in. “Alright, Herr Clay?”

“Very much so, Mr. Caleb.”

Caleb helped Cad remove his shirt, tracing his chest as he pulled the garment over his head. “You are a beautiful and strange man, Caduceus.” Caleb stretched up to kiss his collarbone. “I am...honored to be with you.”

Cad didn’t have an answer in words for that. He sat back on the mattress and Caleb climbed into his lap, dropping gentle and remarkably chaste kisses on his lips, his cheeks, down to his shoulders. Cad closed his eyes and sighed blissfully. He loved the feel of Caleb’s skin against his own. He returned Caleb’s kisses, and finally catching his lips, he ran his tongue across them experimentally. Caleb inhaled sharply, pleasantly, meeting the kiss with tenderness, until they broke apart, and Caleb tucked his head against Cad’s neck.

“I am...very tired.” Caleb admitted. “But if you want something else--”  
Caduceus shook his head. “If you’re tired, let’s sleep.” 

For a split second, there was the barest look of relief on Caleb’s face. He would love something else, but memories loomed too close for comfort today, and he didn’t trust them to leave him be if he pushed too far.

Cad noted the look, but chose not to ask about it.

They shifted underneath the covers, Caleb quick to find his place against Caduceus. Cad put out the lantern, and embraced Caleb, running his hand soothingly over his spine.

In the dark moments before sleep, Caduceus Clay resolved that, come what may, he would love this man, as best he could, for as long as he was allowed to do so. Caleb Widogast found the courage to treasure Caduceus, to let himself feel for him, even if words failed. Even if he would have to commit to battle his demons every day to be allowed to build this feeling, this thing he wouldn’t yet name. He was beginning to believe it was worth it, and the arguments his brain kept throwing at him were beginning to lose out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Remember when I said this would be a short chapter? Well, it's not. Oops! This is one of the longest ones I've written, in like the shortest amount of time. When inspiration hits, go for it, I guess.  
I didn't think this was where this chapter was going, but then it did, and I'm okay with it.
> 
> Comments and Kudos always appreciated. REALLY excited for the next chapter. Stay classy and be kind to people!


	11. Sanctuary

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spoilers for Episode 77
> 
> Caleb confronts his past, things are said, and left unsaid. Realizations made.
> 
> CONTENT WARNING: Mentions of self harm, description of a panic attack, brief description of violence/bloodshed  
I decided to update the rating, because I feel like this chapter was on the edge, and we're moving in a Direction here.

Dawn came early, and Caleb stirred with the feeling of cold cavern air against his shoulder. He wasn’t ready to wake up. He reached for the blanket as Caduceus pulled it over him. 

“Gotta keep you warm.” Cad whispered. He embraced Caleb, one hand pressed against the small of his back, holding their bodies flush against each other. Caleb shivered. The feeling was exquisite.

“Still cold?” Caduceus asked.  
Caleb laughed quietly. “Nein. Just enjoying this.” His hand ran down Cad’s side, coming to rest on his hip, where his thumb grazed the soft flesh and jutting bone.   
“ _ Oh. _ Wow. That’s really nice.”   
Caleb gave a fleeting, sly grin in reply, and met Caduceus in a slow, passionate kiss. His heart hammered in his chest as he held firmly to Cad’s hip, and Caduceus bucked forward involuntarily. Caleb couldn’t help but smile. He had so many things he could give Caduceus, so many ways to tell him what he felt, without having to say it in words, and the way Cad responded, he had no doubt he was welcome. He wanted Caduceus, he knew Cad wanted him, and in this private morning place, that could be alright. He felt giddy with the thought. 

Caleb trailed painstakingly measured kisses down Cad’s neck before he made his way back up to his ear. Cad was already panting. “Caleb.” It was a whisper and a plea, uncertain and full of hope.

Caleb kissed the sensitive skin, running his tongue over the outer edge. Caduceus gasped and gripped his waist.

They froze as a shout rang through the halls of the Cinderrest Sanctum: 

“IT’S DONE. TYLA--”

Caleb pulled away immediately. Catching his breath, he rested his forehead on Cad’s. “I think that is your song, Herr Clay.”

Caduceus was torn: the sword was finished. It was why they had come here. That, and the residuum, which he now had. But this moment with Caleb seemed just as important. Caduceus didn’t move. He didn’t want to stop. His ear twitched anxiously, cold from the loss of contact.

But Caleb reacted as through a spell had broken. His focus shifted to everything that was hanging over him, and the challenges ahead for the Mighty Nein. He climbed off of Caduceus, and sat upright. He was glad for Caduceus to see the sword completed, but Cad noticed the cloud over him. He liked when Caleb got brave with him, and was getting slightly annoyed at the things that kept squashing that bravery.  
“We ah, have big things to do today, Caduceus. Important things, ja? We... should go."

Cad crawled over, caging Caleb against the headboard. The move was unexpected, and Caleb felt a rush of excitement.  
“Can we come back to this later?”

Caleb nodded, and to Cad’s delight, he was blushing.

“Ja. Later. Bitte.”

* * *

They tripped into the corridor, Caleb tucking in his shirt with one hand, the other clasped in Caduceus'. They ran into Beau and Reani who were in similar form. Reani giggled at Caduceus who was all smiles. Beau grinned at Caleb like the cat who got the cream. He tried to make a rude face back to her, but it melted when Cad put his arm around Caleb's shoulders and greeted their friends. "Good morning, ladies. Sleep okay?" 

"We slept great." Reani beamed. "You?"

"Never better." Caduceus responded with delight, and he kissed the crown of Caleb's head.

Beau cocked an eyebrow at the gesture, curious about Caleb's response, which seemed to be simply to lean in closer to Cad's side.

Caleb was almost jealous of Beau. She would leave this place with the Nein, probably today, and whatever feelings she had, whatever happened or didn't happen with Reani, would stay here. There was an anonymity to it that seemed freeing. No danger of falling in love. "Fuck ‘em and move on" she had said. Even if it wasn't true, if she did feel something, it didn't matter. She'd still be gone. He couldn't do that with Caduceus, even if he wanted to. Cad was a part of his life well before there was anything romantic between them, and now, as Caleb looked up at him and felt the pull in his heart, he couldn't say he actually wanted to just move on. So he let himself be led, staring up at the man embracing him, who believed in destiny and second chances and compassion. Who was gentle and lovely and everything Caleb had never thought to imagine for himself.

Caduceus let go of Caleb as they came to the forge, where Tyla Dust wasted no time in commemorating the moment when Umagorn Smeltborn earned his place in the halls of the Cinderrest Sanctum. 

Caleb tried to disappear into the wall, suddenly chilled, doubting, and embarrassed. This was Cad's story, Fjord's story. He was a distraction. A dark spot to add contrast to the bright and brilliant destiny of Caduceus Clay.

A bleary-eyed Jester wandered in with Nott and looked around. 

"Where's Fjord?"

Caduceus remembered last night, when he saw Fjord communing with the Wildmother. They returned to the spot and found a cocoon of ice and seaweed. The whole party dug through, until at last their friend emerged, looking stronger, strange, new. Cad grinned. He knew his Mother's work at once. The Star Razor had found its wielder. The Wildmother had gained a champion.

* * *

Focus seemed to shift as Fjord accepted the sword, and Caduceus' call to embrace his destiny. It brought weight back to what they were doing, why they needed this champion: Obann. Yasha. The Laughing Hand. The war they were trying to end. Caleb found space for himself in this. These were all his thoughts when Umagorn broke this morning's stolen intimacy. He stared out over the cliff as he spoke.

"I do not want to speak for the rest of the group, but I know my time is limited. Essek has bought as much time for me as he can, but the scourger cannot be kept in prison for long. She has to die. I would...I would like to speak with her again. Before that."

"I think we need to get back to Rosohna anyway, at least to regroup. And I want to talk to Dairon." Beau added. The Xhorhaus had become a haven for them, a good place to clear their heads and draw up a plan. For Caleb's part he hoped eventually they'd do more planning, and less charging in blind.

"But what about you, Caduceus? This is, ah, your story. Your... destiny we have been dealing in. And Fjord's. I do not wish to leave unless you are ready."

Cad smiled a little. "I have gotten more here than I could have hoped for, and my purpose here is ended, my path isn’t here. It's with you." He paused, holding Caleb's gaze for the brief moment he would look, before adding "All of you."

“I’m ready.” said Fjord. “Let’s go back to Xhorhas.”

* * *

Before long, the Mighty Nein found themselves within the now familiar walls of the Xhorhaus. Caduceus was almost immediately upstairs checking on his plants, while Dairon and Beau exchanged information. Caleb was surprised at his own relief to be back in this place. It felt peaceful. It was homey. He wanted to follow Cad up to the roof garden, but he knew better. He had more pressing concerns to attend to. He needed to talk to Essek.

Within the hour, Essek joined them, and was willing to deliver on his promise to Caleb, that he would get to speak to the scourger again. He pressed the Nein for any information they had about the other beacon the empire had, and urged them to pass along anything they found. Returning that beacon was the next request of the Bright Queen. Caleb was reminded that none of these favors Essek offered would come without a price. Information, reconnaissance, assignments, one way or another, they would have to repay the man for his help, and he would definitely collect.

Those thoughts vanished as Caleb, joined by the rest of his companions, descended once again into the Dungeon of Penance. They all felt the shift of gravity and time, and the stomach-turning unease that accompanied it. 

Beau questioned Caleb as they went. “What do you hope to get out of this woman that you haven’t already?”

“I haven’t gotten anything out of her...but I want to understand. She is going to die. I will watch it if they will permit me.”

“Why?” Jester chimed in. She didn’t understand the morbid state Caleb slipped into. Cad did. His heart lurched when he heard Caleb’s reply.

“She deserves it. I do not believe she has had much empathy offered to her, and thus she offers no empathy, nor will she anymore, but...maybe things would have been better for her, better for me, if there had been more empathy…” 

He struggled to explain himself. How could they understand, how could any of them understand? He wouldn’t look at Cad. He couldn’t handle what he would see in his face.

“But there is now.” Jester tried to remind Caleb of the compassion he had found in his friends.

Beau didn’t trust Caleb to be entirely altruistic. She was the one who followed him out in the woods when he tried to run, the first time he let all of them in on his past. She and Nott were the only two who knew about his parents. Maybe he had told Caduceus. It was hard to say. She figured Caleb might not want Cad to know that, if there was anything romantic between them, and there clearly was. Whatever the case, Caleb might say his past is behind him, but she knew her friend better than that.   
“This isn’t some sort of weird, masochistic, self-projection type of thing, is it?”

“Oh, why not both.” Caleb quipped. And not even Caduceus could begrudge him the gallows humor. Fjord laughed nervously, and it rang with an awkward clash around them.

Caduceus knew this was something Caleb had to do. Part of him was hoping that facing the life he left behind would help Caleb let it go, and embrace the man he was becoming. But it was difficult to say if Caleb was in a good place to do that, if he’d be ready. He hoped, given what he had seen in Caleb lately, that this would be good for him.

When Caleb entered the cell, Jester and Cad stepped in behind him, hanging back by the door, watching as Caleb sat on the ground in front of the woman who represented so much of the life of Bren. Caduceus disguised himself to avoid drawing attention. Jester looked ready to punch the first person who looked at Caleb wrong.  
_ She really does deserve all the cupcakes, _ Caduceus thought.

Caleb spoke in hushed tones with the scourger. Hope was a pinprick of light in this place, and it winked out almost instantly. She knew. She knew about the innocent lives she took. She embraced the torture she inflicted on others, and that was inflicted on her. Glory was worth it. Changing history was worth it. Caleb felt his heart recoil at the grim specter of his former dreams, of his own sins. But this was still his sister. He didn’t know her name, where she came from, but they shared a bond of pain. Just because her heart was hardened, didn’t mean he didn’t feel for her. He was going to stay until the end. Regardless of anything else, he would watch her die. He could at least give her that.

Neither Jester nor Caduceus could understand the conversation between the two. There was very little either of them had picked up of Zemnian, and they were speaking too fast. But Cad noticed names, heard Astrid and Eodwulf. He knew Caleb was talking about his friends. Closure? Threats? He couldn’t say, and from his place against the wall, he couldn’t read their expressions. But he saw when the chains were pulled taut, and then one went slack, and the sick, horrifying, slow-motion-moment blood shot from Caleb’s neck as the scourger stabbed him with a concealed shard of metal. Before she could get a second swing in, a flurry of action: Caleb slammed his transmuter stone against her face, Jester was on her, body-checking her with her shield, and Caduceus grabbed Caleb, pulled him back against his own body, applying pressure to the wound, desperate to heal his human, but knowing he couldn’t use magic in this room. Jester and Beau quickly got permission from Essek for Cad to cast, and Caduceus healed what he could of Caleb’s wound. Caleb’s voice was still hoarse. Caduceus didn’t let go of him. The scourger was slack in her chains, but Cad still would not release his hold. Not until Caleb signaled to Essek and they watched the mage crush her body in a gruesome display with her own chains. When she was dead, and Cad felt her life leave the room, he let go of Caleb, but his hands shook.

Caleb felt nothing. He was stone. He was ice. He watched her die as he had watched many die: chained. Punished. Her limbs dislocated from their sockets, metal crushed around her torso. Part of his consciousness seemed to have left him. Caduceus stepped in, asking about interrogating the corpse, pushing his own discomfort aside. Any closure, anything he could get for Caleb out of this, he would try for. When that possibility was denied, he looked to the body. He examined the scars on her arms. He knew them already, but the words came out all the same. “This is what they did...to you?”

“Ja.” Caleb answered, and his voice was hollow. “All of his...students. We all have this.” 

Anger shook Cad to his core; he trembled visibly. They were _ children _. Trent Ikithon tortured children until they were empty, cold death machines. Ikithon took them from their homes and Inflicted pain so deep it destroyed anything else that remained. He thought he might be sick, and again the urge to repay Trent Ikithon for his crimes crawled up Cad’s spine. It may not be his place, but he was hungry to see thorns push through the man’s body and out his eye sockets, blooms of death choke his mouth and fill his lungs. Cad wanted to return Ikithon’s corpse to the earth, his rot the only thing of use to this world.

* * *

Outside of the dungeon, the natural world materialized again. The dizzy and nauseous feelings dissipated as they went with Essek back to the Xhorhaus. Caduceus watched Caleb closely, as did Beau. Jester walked in step with him, trying to offer her presence as a support, but Caleb gave no sign that he needed it. He seemed steeled by the experience in the cell, and asked Essek if now would be a good time for another lesson in dunamancy. Partly to challenge Essek’s arrogance and partly to stay close to Caleb, Jester chose to stay for the lesson. The rest of the Nein took the opportunity to replenish supplies and go shopping.

Jester lost no time when Essek left in reminding Caleb that they cared about him, that she cared. It bothered her deeply, and truthfully hurt a little, that he hadn’t been shown the kind of love everybody should get, and that he didn’t seem to realize he had it now. “I just want you to know that I am here for you Caleb, if you ever need anything. You can come to me.” She squeezed his hands.

“You are a good friend, Jester.” Caleb’s voice was still scratchy, but emotion had returned to it.

“You are too Caleb.”

“Would you do a little boring shopping with me?”  
“Uh, yeah! Duh.”

* * *

The evening was spent planning their next steps in finding the remaining beacon held by the empire. Caleb used Seeming to show his companions as members of the Cerberus Assembly, including Wulf & Astrid. He put the face of Trent Ikithon on himself. Caleb named each person and shared all the information he had on them. Admittedly some of it was old. Caduceus paid attention to Beau, who now wore Astrid’s face: not a grown woman, as she would be. She was half Caleb’s age. Just a teenage girl with a severe visage and a stern eye. Caduceus noted how Caleb kept looking at her, as if he forgot who was really behind the face, as if he had things to say to a girl who was no longer there. Beau noticed too. After conferring with Dairon, dinner and sleep seemed more than appropriate. It had been a long day. Caleb excused himself from the meal Cad, Jester, and Fjord were preparing. Nott raised an eyebrow. Beau followed him, and grabbed his arm.

“Hey. Where the hell are you going?”

“I am tired, Beauregard. I am going to...to lie down.”

“Yeah? You sure that’s a good idea?”

“Yes, I am sure. I am tired. People sleep when they are tired.”

“Caleb.” Beau let go of him, and softened her tone a little. “Do you really think--should you be alone right now?”

Caleb refused to look at her. He stayed silent.  
“Look, maybe just...maybe go up to Clay’s room instead, okay? If you’re going to be alone. Don’t...don’t get buried in your own shit. Go where all that stuff that happened isn’t going to rip you apart okay?”

“Beauregard, there’s not a place on this plane of existence that is just going to make all this go away.”

“I know, I know. Just don’t fucking torture yourself. Okay? And don’t dress me up like your ex anymore. That’s fuckin’ twisted.” She punched his arm with alarming gentleness. He got the message.

“I think I can manage that.”

Halfway up the stairs to the roof garden, Nott’s voice rang in his head.   
_ Caleb. Are you okay? Don’t...don’t sleep alone tonight. Go to Caduceus or come to my room if you want, but...just...take care. Okay? You can reply to this message. _

_ Thank you, Nott the Brave. I will come to you if I need to. I just...I need some time. _

_ Alright. Um. We’re here. If you need us. Don’t forget you have friends, Caleb. You can reply to this message. _

* * *

Caleb stood in the rooftop garden, staring at his book in the tree. His fingers traced over the lettering again. “I am the Master of my Fate.” Master. He was the master of nothing but an open grave. What had he changed? What could he change? There was hope in dunamancy, but creating a temporary thread of time wasn’t what he was after. He wanted to change his timeline permanently. Even if it meant ending his own existence. The images of his former life, the faces, the sounds, the smells, flooded his brain. He heard the scourger’s words again:

_ I’m sure he’ll find you. He’ll be happy to finish what he couldn’t. He doesn’t like it when people don’t do as he says. _

Caleb clutched at the amulet around his neck. He fell to the ground, his forehead against the rough bark. He couldn’t move. Couldn’t breathe. Frozen, gasping, trapped. The day’s events and all that had led to them held him immovably. Trent, a figure larger than life, loomed over him, held him by the throat, lifting him from the ground. _ “You are mine, Bren. Mine. And I don’t like when my things go missing, do I?” _

_ * _ _ * _ _ * _

Caduceus did not stay for dinner. He snacked while they cooked, and took a plate of cheese and fruit from the kitchen as soon as everyone else was seated around their meal. Beau and Nott offered to clean up. “If he’s not in his room, Cad, check the garden.” Beau suggested. “Or my room.” Nott added.

“Do you think Caleb is going to be alright?” Fjord asked Jester.

“I hope so. I think he will eventually. But I don’t think he wants all of us right now. I think we can leave him to Caduceus tonight.”

Fjord nodded. “Nott, would you just...check in with Caduceus to make sure he finds Caleb?”  
“I can do that.”

* * *

Climbing the ladder, Cad spotted Caleb immediately. He was in the nook Caduceus made him, kneeling with his face to the tree, _ He’s trying. _ Caduceus thought. _ He can’t get better alone, but he is trying. _He was so proud of Caleb for that. He replied to Nott’s message: “I found him. I think he’ll be alright. We’ll talk more in the morning.”

Cad put the plate on his bedside table and went back to Caleb. Kneeling beside him, he spoke softly. “Caleb. Can you hear me? I’m going to put my hand on your back, alright?”

No response.

Cad placed his palm flat between Caleb’s shoulder blades. He could feel the corded tension beneath his hand. “Breathe with me, okay?”

Caduceus counted breaths for him. The shallow gasps began to slow and deepen. Caleb coughed. 

“That’s good. Good, Caleb. Thank you. Keep breathing.”

Eventually, Caleb sat back on his heels. His face was no longer choked red, though he looked like he might fall over.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

Caleb shook his head. “Nein. Not...not tonight, Caduceus.”

“Will you eat with me?”

Caleb gave a slight nod, and they stood. Caleb fell against Cad immediately. Caduceus picked him up and carried him over to his bed. Seated comfortably, Cad took the plate from the nightstand, and offered it to Caleb. He took a piece of fruit for himself, and slowly they shared the plate. Whenever Caleb would stop eating, Cad would stop, and that encouraged Caleb to keep going, one small bite at a time until the plate was empty, and Caleb felt steady. Caduceus took the plate away and set it aside, trading it for a glass of water. Caleb sipped at the water until it was gone and Caduceus put that aside too. He sat next to Caleb on the mattress, putting an arm around his shoulder.

“How do you feel now?”

“Better. Danke. I am better now. I am here. Thank you, Caduceus.”

Cad kissed the top of his head, and felt Caleb give more of his weight over for Caduceus to bear. “I’m glad you’re here with me. You had me scared when you weren’t in your room, but Beau told me I might find you here. I’m glad she was right.”

“I am too. I think this was the right place to be. Things would have been...worse in my room, I think.”

Cad nodded. He slid off the bed and knelt in front of Caleb, unlacing his boots.  
“I can do that myself, you know.”

“I know. But, may I?”

Caleb hesitated, and then nodded.

“Tell me if you feel uncomfortable, alright?”

Caleb nodded again. “Ja. I can do that.” Caduceus could hear the struggle in his speech.

Boots off, Caduceus took Caleb’s coat, and the movement allowed Caleb enough energy to remove his shirt as well. From his spot on the floor, Cad was eye to eye with Caleb. He brushed Caleb’s hair away from the stab wound in his neck. It was healed for the most part, but scabbed over and sore. He noticed how it seemed to pain Caleb to speak, and while some of that was mental, some of it was certainly physical. Cad pressed his lips to the wound. Warmth and light flowed into Caleb from the spot, and coral lichen bloomed beneath Cad’s kiss. Caduceus brushed it away with his thumb. “There.” No scar, no scab. Just Caleb’s beautiful, smooth skin once more. Caduceus marked his work with another gentle kiss, letting his tongue brush the spot.

“Thank you, Cad.” Caleb’s voice was clear, trembling for other reasons now. He stroked through Cad’s hair, massaged his fingers over his ear. “You are very good to me.”

Caduceus threaded his fingers into Caleb’s. His eyes fell to the scars he had studied so carefully. He placed a kiss to the largest of the crystal scars, on Caleb’s right wrist. “It...it won’t heal more.” Caleb whispered.

“I know.” Caduceus said against the skin. “I tried, under the Ashkeeper Peaks. It only healed the fresh wounds...Can I kiss you here anyway?” 

“Y-yes. If you, if you want to.”

Cad nodded, looking up at Caleb through his curtain of pink hair. He laid a careful kiss to each scar from every crystal, every mark of Trent’s experimentation, up Caleb’s right arm, and down his left. Silent tears fell down Caleb’s cheeks. Caduceus kissed each scar with reverence, as if this were something sacred, a ritual healing, purposeful and deeply devoted. To Caduceus, this was sacred. He had no healing magic for a broken heart, a child robbed of his family and his life, a man trying to find his way. All he had for that was the love he carried, which he hoped by and by he would be able to share.   
Caduceus did not stop when he reached the end of the first pass. He began again, this time not on the scars Trent left, but the ones Caleb had made. Caleb knew it immediately. He was quick to notice patterns, doubly so when they were the ones on his own body. “Caduceus,” he whispered. 

“Still alright?” Cad asked, and he looked at Caleb’s face for confirmation. Caleb nodded. “Yes...but they...they are..They are not...I am not…I’m sorry...”

“Please don’t, Caleb. Don’t apologize to me for this. Your scars aren’t beautiful. I hate what put them here. I hate what was done to you, and the way you feel about yourself that made you make more scars on your own skin.” His thumb brushed the next scar on his path, a ragged thing in the middle of Caleb's bicep. “But _ you _are beautiful Caleb. I can’t heal these, but I can...I can…” He looked around, as if the words he wanted to say must be lurking somewhere in the corner, or behind Caleb on the bed.

Caleb took Caduceus by the back of his head and brought their lips together. He understood. Cad wiped the tears away from Caleb’s face as they melted into the kiss. It wasn’t how Caduceus had hoped to pick up from this morning. Where they were wasn't where they had been this morning. Even if Caleb asked, Caduceus didn’t think he could have sex with him tonight. Caleb was barely out of the woods of his panic attack. There was too much chance of Caleb regretting it later, or disappearing back into a past Caduceus couldn’t reach. He didn’t want his first time to risk losing Caleb to the shadows lurking in his mind.

But the kiss was theirs, and Astrid was not in it. Trent’s fingers couldn’t pry between them. This moment belonged to them alone, and that was more important than anything else.

Caduceus pulled away, and Caleb scooted back on the bed, propped on his elbows, looking up into Caduceus’ face with tear stained cheeks and eyes full of vulnerability. “Caduceus, I...I…” He couldn’t say it. Gods he wanted to. Caduceus deserved to hear it, but he couldn’t. “You...you deserve better than me.”

Cad was standing above him now. “Do I deserve what I want?”

Caleb looked uncertain of the meaning of the question, but answered honestly. “Most definitely.”

“I don’t want better than you. I just want you. As you are. As you’re willing. As long as that’s okay.”

Caleb pushed himself up and slowly unbuttoned the toggles of Cad’s shirt. He ran his hands adoringly over Cad’s torso as he pushed the fabric off of his frame and onto the floor. He pressed a kiss into the place over Caduceus’ heart. It was the closest thing he could think of to saying what he was trying to say.

“Cad, I want you. I want you but I am afraid that I’m not...I can’t…” He sighed. “I wish I could take you back to this morning.” 

Caduceus shook his head. “Just be here with me now. There will be other mornings, other nights.” He took Caleb’s face in one of his hands. “Your past will not always be so close. We will have days that belong to just us. I have faith in that.” He kissed Caleb again.

When they broke apart, Caduceus nudged Caleb's forehead, inhaled deeply and sighed. "I want to be closer." He wanted to pull Caleb into himself, and let him feel the safety of being fully enclosed in someone you could trust. He didn't know how to do that physically, but everything about Caleb felt too far away.   
Caleb found that hollow place beneath Cad’s sternum for his head. He had begun to think of it as his spot, and he never wanted to leave. He slid his fingers into the waist of Cad's pants, but surprised at finding no second layer of clothing, he shifted. He guided Cad's hands from where they were holding him to the buttons on the front of his trousers. Caduceus looked a little confused until Caleb undid one, then another, Caduceus taking over until they fell from his slim waist. He stood in a small, simple pair of shorts, and pressed in close to Caduceus. Cad wrapped tighter around Caleb, covering skin wherever he could.

"Better?" Caleb asked, and his voice was honey. There was a rumbling in Cad's chest.  
“May I hold you tonight?” Caduceus whispered.  
“Bitte.”   
‘Danke.” Cad’s accent was terrible and magnificent and Caleb nearly swooned.   
  
Whether he could say it or not, in this sacred space, this sanctuary that belonged only to them, Caleb knew he was in love.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys, I have been wanting to write this chapter for over a month, it was harder to write than I imagined, but it's finally done! And I think I'm happy with it.
> 
> Caleb has FEELINGS. Everyone has feelings. I just want these boys to be okay and get some healing going, okay? Okay.
> 
> I treasure your comments, so if you have a thought, you are very welcome to share it.  
I'm going to be doing the 2019 Clayleb Week Challenge starting MONDAY (scary), so there will not be an update to this fic for the next week or two.


	12. The Long Way Around

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spoilers for Episode 78
> 
> Road trips, reminiscing, and research, and those damn teleportation circles. Caleb rethinks and overthinks everything, and we have some good bonding moments in the party.

Caduceus was committed to hope. Of course, hope wasn't always easy to find. He meant what he said to Caleb, that they would have other mornings, other nights without the hurt for the two of them to just enjoy each other. But those days seemed far off. Their last night in the Xhorhaus was the last time he and Caleb had gotten much of any time alone. That could have been fine, it would have been, but Caduceus worried about Caleb. Since they left Rosohna, heading from Nicodranas back into the empire, Caleb drew more and more in on himself, and he wasn't the only one feeling unsettled by the road ahead.

"Caduceus?" Jester leaned against him as they kept watch over their camp on the way to Zadash.

"Yeah?" 

"I can't stop thinking about Yasha. About what I saw when I scryed on her."

Caduceus stretched an arm around her shoulders. "It's hard to watch someone you care about in pain, and not be able to help them."

Jester nodded, chewing her lip. "It's just, she couldn't stop herself. All that death, everything she was doing, she wasn't in control of herself. I can't stop imagining what that must feel like. It's horrible. It makes me feel sick." 

Caduceus didn't speak right away, but he gave Jester a comforting squeeze. He thought about Caleb. He wasn't sure what Jester knew about the things Caleb had done that he didn't want to do. Caduceus knew the sick feeling Jester had very well.

"Me too." Caduceus said finally. "And we're not going to leave her like that. We have the Wildmother with us, and the Traveler. And the Stormlord hasn't forgotten Yasha either. The waiting is... terrible, but it won't be forever. We'll have her with us again."

"The last time we fought these guys we had to _ run away _. How can you be sure we’ll get her back?"

Caduceus shook his head. "I'm not. But I can hope. We have to hope. You and I, we bring hope to the rest of them." He nodded towards their sleeping friends. "They need that. I believe in you Jester. I know you can keep hope going strong. Will you do that with me? Hope?"

She looked up at him with a weak but genuine smile. "Yeah. Yeah, I can hope. Thanks, Caduceus. Thanks for listening."

"Of course. Any time."

Caduceus didn't think he was all that helpful, but he was glad to see his friend a little more at ease.

He glanced over to Caleb's sleeping form, curled in a ball, blanket clutched tight around him. He sighed and looked back out into the dark.

* * *

Caleb spent their travel trying to keep himself busy. When they stopped, he transcribed his spells, and was meticulous about setting up their defenses around camp. When they rode, Caleb was entirely focused on his horse, or he would talk with Nott if she rode with him. He asked her questions, but found himself rarely listening, at least not listening fully. His eyes were always flitting out to the horizon or darting over his shoulder. The prospect of being inside the empire again dogged him.

Despite the distractions, Caleb’s fear and restlessness grew, and the only reprieve he allowed himself was when his mind wandered to Cad. He caught himself running his fingertips over scars, calling up Caduceus’ lips brushing the skin, the tenderness beneath his fingers. He’d watch Cad as he rode or cooked meals, drawing close to him when they sat around the fire, only to pull away again and throw himself back into his spells. _ Now is not the time for that _. He chided. But when he caught Caduceus looking back at him, a touch on his shoulder, or the corner of a blanket offered in the night, his thoughts tripped over themselves. Afterall, what world were they trying to protect if not to save someone so lovely as Caduceus Clay?

“Caleb, aren’t you even a little glad to be home? Familiar territory?” Nott tried to shine some light on his goom.

“Nein. This is not _ home _. I do not feel safe here. I guess we are not really safe anywhere. But I feel even less safe here.”

“We’re still on the right track though. You’re getting new spells, your magic is getting stronger...you’ll be able to change me soon. I know it. At least all this is pushing us forward. You’re learning so much.”

Caleb looked over his shoulder again and fell silent until they stopped to camp for the night.

Caleb was nose deep in his spellbook when a warmth pressed against his back, and someone took his free hand and placed a bowl of soup into it. 

“Do you think you could take a break, Mr. Caleb?” 

Caleb turned and saw the warm pink of Cad’s eyes. Caduceus sat on the ground behind him, offering to be a backrest for Caleb to lean on.

Caleb closed his book, rubbed his eyes, and let his body sag back against his partner. 

“Hey. There you are. Now, eat, please?”

Caleb obeyed, not speaking, but visibly relaxing. Nott scooped up his bowl as soon as he finished eating, and before he could resume his work, Caduceus slid his hands forward, catching Caleb’s fingers.   
“Is this alright?”

Caleb adjusted his hold, slotting their fingers together. “Ja. I am sorry. I did not mean to be ignoring you. There is just so much ahead. We have a lot to do. It seems to me that my former...educators are at the heart of whatever it is that Obann is doing. I have a lot to make up for.”

“Not to make up for.” Cad pressed a small kiss to Caleb’s temple. “None of this is your fault. But I’m glad we’re fighting it, together. This is so much bigger than anything I think any of us thought. It’s scary, but it’s right. And there’s good news. Jester just spoke with Beau’s family. They’re safe. We have to take the small victories.”

Caleb tried to believe Caduceus. He rarely looked at these things as victories. They were just a delay of the inevitable. Everyone died. Someone alive today just meant bad news ahead on another day. It almost seemed that the world deserved to be destroyed by something like Obann and the monstrous god he was trying to awaken.   
But if Caleb really believed that, he wouldn’t be fighting against it. He wouldn’t be trying to redeem his own path. He wouldn’t be here with these people, helping them, letting them help him, working towards their dreams. He wouldn’t have fallen in love with Caduceus. It would all just be an opportunity to get hurt, for all of them to get hurt. Maybe that was exactly what it was: Caleb being selfish, and it would end in tragedy for others when he got what he deserved. That was another reason he couldn’t tell Cad how he felt. Not now. Not when they were throwing themselves headlong into the empire and into a fight that, while worth fighting, he feared they would lose. 

“There is hope.” He said finally, in an attempt to believe that hope was something he had, and something he could keep.

Caduceus smiled. From Caleb, that was a very positive answer. “Take first watch with me tonight?” Caduceus asked. Caleb looked over at where he would be putting up the dome. Nott was already arranging her bedroll next to Jester, and he noticed her taking the liberty of arranging a space for him and Caduceus. She looked up and grinned at him, anything but subtle. 

“We don’t have to talk.” Cad offered. “Just tea and watch and maybe after...maybe after watch we could, um cuddle?” He felt shy about asking. Caleb had been so distant, he got too much into his own head when it came to the big picture, and Caduceus didn’t want to overwhelm him with his own wants. He wanted the reminder of life outside of their present struggles. He found he needed that reminder from Caleb more often lately, but he did not want to be a burden. He was afraid he’d already pushed Caleb too fast, that he was the cause of Caleb’s retreat into himself since they’d left the Xhorhaus.

Cad couldn’t have guessed it, but Caleb’s heart leapt at the request. How Caduceus managed to pull him out of his own head and put his brain back together, he would never know, but his affinity for touch was certainly part of it.

“Ja. _ Bitte _. I have missed that too. I have felt so...so...twisted up, ah, anxious, troubled lately. But I want to be...here for you. You are always so patient with me.”

“I care for you. It’s not a burden to give you space if that’s what you need.”

“You have needs too, _ mein freund.” _Caleb repled, squeezing Caduceus’ hands in his own. And if Caleb were honest with himself, he knew he needed that grounding quiet presence he found in Caduceus’ arms. “Would you like me to read a little, while we still have daylight?”

Caduceus’ face split into a wide grin. “That would be really nice.Thank you, Caleb,” he said, scooting closer as he released Caleb’s hands to hug around his waist. Caleb pulled the book out of his bag and tried to keep his mind still and on the story, tried to be present with Cad instead of running from him.

* * *

The following evening they reached Trostenwald, and Caduceus noticed the change among his friends immediately. This is where they all met, and now the two circus people who drew them together were gone, one missing, one dead. There were bittersweet memories around every corner, and it appeared that everyone in the Mighty Nein was digging deep into the joy and the pain of it. They showed him the dicks Jester had carved into the table, and Caleb pointed out the details of where they sat, their rooms upstairs, their first time seeing Molly perform. Beau took over, describing the scene and her first thoughts on Yasha. Everyone had stories to tell. Their behavior reminded him of a funeral, honestly.

Caduceus liked funerals. He liked that it was a sacred time for people to tell stories, to bring out the real and the messy parts of their lives. You laid your demons to rest. You said goodnight to loved ones. You honored memories and celebrated life. He understood that not everyone could see it that way, but to a child raised in a graveyard, given purpose in caring for the dead, a funeral could be one heck of a party. His first days with the Mighty Nein were a funeral. The grief was heavy, the fear, the loss, but not long after, the light shone through: They drank and laughed and celebrated the fact that they were still alive...and upon returning to Zadash, they had pulled Caduceus in as one of their own, embracing their loss and their lives as a continuous story.

_ “Caduceus Clay, we are your destiny!” _

He had no idea then what that drunken proclamation would come to mean to him. He didn’t fully know what it meant to him now, though he felt the weight it carried. The thought of those words coming from Caleb brought a heavy warmth to his chest. He glanced down the table for his Caleb, but was met with a glass of wine nearly sloshed in his face before he could look further than his nose.

“Caduuuuceus! Did you hear that? THAT’S what we’re about! Crime for a good cause! We’re like folk heroes!”

“Well, I don’t know about that,” Beau chimed in, “but it worked out pretty damn brilliantly. I just wanted to mess with ‘em. Didn’t think I’d actually get the bastards shut down. Anyway, drinks are on me. Let’s celebrate!”

“It’s Beau’s family wine. My Mama has this at the Lavish Chateau. It’s good stuff. Try some--” Jester shoved the glass into his hand, toasting with her own. She made a face at the taste, but tried not to let anyone see. From the end of the table, Caleb lifted his glass to Beau, and, catching Cad’s eye, gestured in his direction as well. There was a flush to his cheeks that could have been the drink or could have been something else. Caduceus grinned and sipped, locking eyes with Caleb. It was delicious, certainly as far as alcohol was concerned, and he saw Caleb’s blush spread out down his neck. Cad’s ear twitched excitedly and Caleb looked away. 

Before long, and earlier than most expected, Caleb stood and crossed to Caduceus’ side. He kissed his cheek. “I’m going to up to bed. Sleep well.” His hand caressed over Cad’s on the table. “Goodnight, all” he called, and was gone up the stairs, Nott trailing behind him. 

Jester was beaming. “You guys are SO cute! I love it.”

_ I do too, I just wish I understood it. _Caduceus thought. He wanted to follow, but Caleb’s goodnight was a clear “see you in the morning,” not an invitation to bed, and that was fine. He had a lot to catch up on with his friends here.

* * *

“You’re sure you don’t want to room with Caduceus? I could have a sleepover with the girls if you wanted.”

“Would you prefer that?”

“No. I mean, I like spending time with you, Caleb. We don’t get to hang out just the two of us much anymore. But I see…” She paused. “I see you dodging him. You’ve been really...really touch-and-go, you know? Like I can’t tell if you want to be with Caduceus, or here with any of us.”

“You think I want to leave?”  
“I don’t know. You’re just being _ weird _, Cay. I don’t like it. You were…” her voice got much quieter “you were getting so much better.”

Caleb sighed, kicking his boots off in the corner and flopping down on the bed. “I don’t know, _ schatz _. I don’t know if this is really ‘better.’ I am nervous. I am afraid. You and I were brought together by necessity. No one should have to be mixed up with me, but at least with you--we didn’t really have a choice. It is hard to regret that when it has saved our lives so many times. And you have a family. We are going to heal you and get you back to Yezza and Luc. You can go back to your real life. You aren’t stuck with me.”

“I like being around you, Caleb. Even when I’m myself again, I’m not going to just want you out of my life. I’m not ‘stuck’ with you. Is that what you think, that we’re stuck with you? Caduceus is stuck with you?”

Nott climbed up to the head of the bed and sat cross-legged on a couple of pillows, creating a nest for herself while she waited for his answer.

“It is just...they shouldn’t get close. I shouldn’t have let them. And it was one thing with friends. It is another with a...a...partner. He’s just going to get hurt, Nott.”

“Why? Why does he have to get hurt?” She took a swig from her flask. “You could just be you--the you that I know. You’re a good person, Caleb. You won’t hurt him.”

“I will. Maybe not today, maybe not this month or even a year from now, but sooner or later, I’ll do something that will hurt him badly. Or I’ll abandon him. There are things I need to do. It would be better...better not to have anyone get too close.”

Nott’s face took on a dark expression. “I hate when you talk like that, Caleb.”

Caleb knew that. He had learned to avoid mentioning anything to Nott about the possibilities once he learned the magic he needed to change time, to undo what he had done. It upset her to think that the Caleb she had grown to love would just disappear, or that the changes he effected could mean never seeing him again, or not remembering he existed, or remembering, and having no way to find him. There was a possibility he could undo his past, and still return to this present, but it was remote, one in a vast multitude. Caleb was fine with that. He had always been fine with that. For a long time, he wasn’t planning on even trying to make it back to a “present self.” His life here was a shell of everything that went wrong. But now he had friends, he had Caduceus, and they...well, he got the feeling that they were less fine with the prospect of his permanent disappearance. So he kept the specifics of his desire for time magic to himself, though he was beginning to feel that he wasn’t fine with leaving all of them either, and that worried him.

Nott cleared her throat, waiting for Caleb’s response. 

“I...I do not even necessarily mean _ that _ ,” he tried to ease the angry, concerned crease between her eyebrows. “I have not tried to run out on you--any of you--in a long time. This whole business with Caduceus is a lot to take in. It is hard to know if I am making a mistake. I like Caduceus. I worry I like him a little too much. He is so good to me. He is so good.” He sat up, fidgeting, tracing his fingers over the scars on his right wrist. Caduceus was _ so _ good to him.   
“He deserves someone who can love him, and who can support him, ja? Someone loyal and trustworthy. He deserves so much more than me.”

“I think you are those things, Caleb, and more. Is that the kind of relationship _ you _ want?”

“Yes,” the answer came immediately and emphatically, “but I ruined any chance for that kind of life…-a-a-and even if I hadn’t, firbolgs live much longer than humans. He’d end up alone.”

“That’s a big jump, isn't it? We’re talking about this week on the road and how much you like your boyfriend and why you are or are not allowed to let him close to you. We’re not talking about a couple hundred years from now. He’s a grave digger, Caleb. Do you honestly think he hasn’t considered the fact that you’ll die? He’s Caduceus. He’s **super** weird--no offense. He probably knows when we’ll all die and has our funerals planned out like that’s just what friends do.   
Besides, you’re a wizard. You people never live a ‘normal’ lifespan anyway. As long as you don’t get killed, you’ll probably live forever.”

She was being ridiculous, and Caleb couldn’t help but huff out a laugh. Nott grinned. 

That was all she was hoping for. “Here. Let me do your hair.”

He moved to prop his shoulders against her knees so she could work. Nott always found it easier to talk when the person she was talking to wasn’t looking directly at her, and Caleb understood that perfectly. It was part of what made their friendship work so well.

“I know it’s hard to accept when someone likes you, when they care about you, and even love you. People hate me now. I hate me now. Goblins are horrible. But I wasn’t attractive or desirable as Veth either. So when Yezza came along...I didn’t know how to believe him. I came up with all kinds of reasons why it couldn’t work, why he was probably using me, why it would all end badly...until it didn’t. He kept proving me wrong. He really loved me for me. We made a _ family _ . I never thought anyone couId want...you know, _ that _with me. I wish you could know what that’s like, to let someone love you. I wish you thought you deserved to know what that’s like, because I see you doing the same things I did. Letting yourself have him just long enough to remember you don’t think you’re supposed to, and then running away.

Well, as someone who has had love, and lost it, I want to tell you...I want to tell you it’s worth it. No matter how long or short you have it for. I’m so thankful to have them back and have them safe...but even if I’d lost them forever, I wouldn’t regret what we had.”

Caleb thought on that for a minute. “I guess we are both afraid to have what we want, ja? That is why you are still out here with us.”

Nott’s hands stilled. “I’m a monster. They deserve better than that. I don’t want them to have me as this.”

“You sound like me, now.”

“Well, how else do you think I would know so well what’s going on with you and your man?”

“He is not _ mine… _” Caleb lied, blushing.

“Uh huh. If you say so. There. Finished.” She kissed the top of his head, admiring the crown of braids she had made, joined together at the back of his head, leaving the rest of his hair to fall beneath it. Veth had always had an affinity for braiding, and she was glad Caleb obliged her.

“_ Schatz _, what should I do?”

“About your hair?”

“About _ him. _” Caleb sat up and spun around to face her. She could see the worry on his face, and noticed the restless fingers of her friend, needing something to occupy his mind.

“I think you care for him, and he obviously cares for you. Go with it. Take it one day at a time. Maybe...try not to avoid him so much. Or at least tell him why. Don’t push him away.”

Caleb nodded.

“Here,” Nott rifled through her pockets for a much used deck of cards. “Wanna play?”

In their quiet little room, Caleb felt some normalcy return to him. He’d missed this time with Nott. He’d missed her talking to him openly. She was smarter than she got credit for, and even if she did cheat at cards, it was fun. 

* * *

A couple of rooms over, Caduceus sat on the floor with Fjord, practicing an evening meditation ritual. When their devoted time ended, Cad stretched, smiling. “I haven’t had other people to share that with in a long time. It’s really nice. Thank you, Mr. Fjord.”

“I appreciate your patience with me. I am not used to doing _ nothing _ and having it be productive.” Fjord admitted.

“It’s a learned thing, for sure. But you’re doing well.” Caduceus helped Fjord to his feet.

Fjord looked around the room. “It’s strange to be back here.”

“I was noticing that. This is a really special place for all of you.” 

“It is. So much has changed since we were here. In some ways, it doesn’t feel like we’re the same people anymore.”

Caduceus nodded and waited for him to go on.

“Molly and I always shared a room on the road. He was...a hell of a roommate. Lost my bed to the sock on the doorknob more than once.” He laughed a little at the memory.

“A sock on the doorknob?”

“Oh, um. It’s a way of telling your roommate you have _ company _ and would not like to be interrupted. And that they also would not like to interrupt you.”

“Ah. That makes sense. Do you keep the sock?”

“What? No, it’s their sock. They keep it.”

“Oh good. I was worried we’d need to get Beau some new socks.”

Fjord laughed so hard he fell back onto his bed.

* * *

Caleb tried admirably to follow Nott’s advice for the rest of their trip to Zadash. It was hard when reminders of the war were all around them. The remains of a goblin attack on some unsuspecting travelers was an unpleasant discovery. Finding out that Bryce had been sent to Bladegarden sobered all of them when they came to Alfield. There was military presence around every corner, which made them especially careful on their way into Zadash. 

“I had hoped we were leaving this behind.” Caleb muttered as he cast Seeming on himself to replicate his tattered and destroyed coat. Caduceus stood next to him, and took his hand. Caleb looked up at him. “I...I got rid of the real coat in Xhorhas. I hoped not to need it anymore.”

Caduceus kissed his forehead. “Not for long. I’m glad you got rid of it. I like when you take care of yourself. Come on, we have a library to see, and even if it’s not for nice reasons, I know you’ll find something worthwhile.”

Caduceus was of course right. Even with the aftermath of the attack--nine members of the Cobalt Soul dead, many injured--the Archives were extraordinary. Caleb never failed to be fascinated by halls of learning. He hungered for knowledge. Cad watched him with satisfaction. It was good to see Caleb take to something he enjoyed and knew he was good at. Obann had taken books on gods, Betrayer Gods and Prime Deities, so they agreed to find what they could about the Angel of Irons, and any connections that might lead them to Obann’s next target and their next chance to free Yasha.

Caduceus was distracted easily. Reading on his own gave him a headache, but there were some beautiful pictures, so he studied those. He looked up just in time to see Caleb slip off to another part of the library. He followed, finding Caleb in a section on the arcane arts that Cad didn’t understand. He figured from what he knew of Caleb he was either looking for something on dunamancy, or something to do with time magic. 

“Hey.” Cad whispered. Caleb was already deep into a book, and his head snapped up, but his expression eased when he saw Caduceus.

“Sorry. I am...It is so hard not to look. I do not know when I will get the chance again.”

Cad smiled “No need to explain. I understand. I felt this way at the Cinderrest Sanctum. Can I help at all?”

“Nein. Not unless you are secretly an arch mage.”

“I am definitely not. But I can keep you company, and listen out for Jester if it’s time for us to go.”

There were no tables or chairs nearby, so Caduceus sat on the floor, and extended a hand up to Caleb. Caleb resumed reading while Caduceus pulled him into his lap. Caleb didn’t look up from his book, but he tucked his head under Caduceus’ chin and got comfortable. It felt like the most natural thing in the world, cradled in Cad’s lap, reading, his steady breathing keeping time with Caleb’s turning page. 

“Focus.” Caduceus whispered, his forehead leaning down to touch the crown of Caleb’s head. A brief glow of magic encircled them. “Just something to help you study.” Caduceus told him when Caleb looked up quizzically.

Caduceus was pretty sure he could stay here all day.

Caleb held sharply to every detail of what he read thanks to Caduceus’ spell, and he felt a stab of hope and fear all at once as he read of an archmage who had created a ritual to go back and change the past, but was never seen again. The floating city he inhabited was the origin of the Zemnian people. What Caleb wanted was possible, but he feared what he would lose. He closed the book, but didn’t move immediately, letting Cad hold him for a few more minutes. 

“We should probably go back before we are missed. Thank you...for keeping me company.”

Caduceus gave him a warm smile, and Caleb returned it, with a shadow of sadness flickering behind it. Cad tried to remember to ask him about it later.

* * *

The research work was successful, but far from encouraging. The more they found, the worse things looked. Caleb did happen across a footnote in the only book that contained information on the Angel of Irons. It seemed following the Traveler was considered a cult worship, but only recently. He asked Zeenoth for more information, curious, if also a little concerned for Jester. He didn’t trust gods at the best of times.

“It is a relatively new thing. We don’t honestly know much about it. Thought it was a mass hallucination at first.” Zeenoth explained.

Caduceus shrugged. “I like new things.” He winked at Caleb.

“Thank you, Zeenoth.” Caleb steered Cad back to their group. He didn’t want to give away too much about Jester. Zadash was not a place you wanted to be caught following the wrong god.

“We’ll keep an eye out for Jester, Caleb. But I have a good feeling about the Traveler, and if you don’t mind me saying it, I’m usually right about these things.”

“Guys, I think we have to go.” Beau filled the rest of them in on what she’s read, about the Caedogeist, Jourrael, that seems to be Obann’s next goal. Jester scryed on Yasha, hacking her way through some kind of swamp. 

“That sounds like the Lotusden.” Beau says.

“It looked like they already have the head of that Jourrael guy.”

“Then we don’t have any time to lose.” Fjord concluded.

It was easy enough to get Zeenoth to let them use the teleportation circles at the Archive. They needed to get ahead of Obann before he succeeded in bringing back Jourrael. It was a bit of a different thing when they chose to bring the horses along.

As it turns out, days after an attack on one of the Cobalt Soul’s central archives, it is not ideal to hop from one archive to the next with a pile of adventurers and magic users on horseback. A dizzying whirlwind of guard encounters, Caleb trying to sneak and learn the runes for each circle at breakneck pace, and subsequently the lot of them getting banned from every archive, landed them back in Zadash, no further along than when they began.

“I guess our best option is back in Rohsonah, ja?”

The frantic events of the day and the last week were exhausting, and Cad’s head spun. He knew they couldn’t stay, but at least back in Xhorhas they had a place that felt a little like home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys, I'm sorry it took so long to get this chapter done. I knew this chunk of the story was going to be hard to write, but man, the brain just did not have it. Also my life kind of exploded, so that added some heft to the writer's block.
> 
> I'm mostly okay with how this turned out, and I'm really looking forward to the next several chapters, which I have a much clearer grasp on. Hope you enjoy this one. The world for the Mighty Nein is about to get CRAZY.
> 
> Comments and kudos always appreciated. Like I said, I just did not have a lot of energy for writing this chapter, so apologies if that comes through in the story.


	13. Slipping Through Our Grasp

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> SPOILERS for Ep. 79-80  
Foiled plans and a small glimpse at some of the costs of war. Happy Reading!

Essek Thelyss waited outside the manor house of the Mighty Nein, trying desperately to rein in his curiosity, anxiety, and impatience. 

Mercenaries, defectors, war profiteers, he couldn't nail down what they were exactly, and their motives and behaviors baffled him. But they wanted peace, and by the Light, he wanted that too. And he nearly envied them, their casual attitude, their freedom to go where they liked as they liked. And then there was their wizard…

Essek was deep in thought as the Nein tramped up to the door from the teleportation circle in the Lucid Bastion. What information they couldn’t convey in their message was quickly exchanged. Things were getting dire with this fiend and his growing troupe of ancient evils. Essek quickly agreed to take them to the Lotusden. 

Of course, it was never that simple.

This group had a habit of going off half-cocked, and Essek got a first hand demonstration of it once again as they realized they wanted to cut off their target rather than track them. They’d need to jump again. Essek sighed. He was low on spells. They could have planned at least a little bit more. They could have _ thought _. 

Caleb noticed Essek’s frustration. There was something else about Essek, something that could have been masked by his irritated appearance. Caleb first noticed it during some of his tutoring lessons. Now seemed like a good time to test his theory. They didn't have time to waste trying to convince him to perform the spell. They needed to cut off Obann before he reached the heart. 

"Essek." Caleb reached out a hand and placed it endearingly on Essek's forearm. "I am sorry. I should have taken more responsibility here. We should have planned more carefully…" his tone was conspiratorial. His touch was kind, and lingered. Essek was playing his cards close to the chest, leaving Caleb unsure that this would work.

Caduceus watched with interest. His shy, anxiety plagued Caleb vanished, as if a veil of confidence and charisma was drawn over him. Cad felt confused, curious, and one or two other things he wasn't sure he had names for, but they weren't good.

With a little help from Fjord, it worked, at least to an extent. Caleb gave a gentle squeeze to Essek's arm when he saw a lingering look, but Essek tugged his arm back.

_ Too proud to take what he wants, _Caleb noted mentally. He calculated steps for any future interactions, given this small fondness for him that Essek had briefly shown, and his reluctance to let it be seen by others. Well, Caleb was used to that. He could play that game if needed.

Essek transported them using his last spell, save what he needed to get home, into the swampy heart of the Lotusden. He was not willing to stay any longer, much to Caleb's relief. He was out of practice with seductive persuasion, and for the first time ever he felt a twinge of guilt for trying it. He could feel Cad's eyes on the back of his neck, and realized this was something they would have to talk about. He couldn't begin to imagine how he would answer those questions. Caduceus Clay deserved so much better.

* * *

Cad wanted time to think about Caleb’s means of speeding up their travel. He had no doubt Caleb was acting with Essek. He knew what Caleb was like when he was genuinely affectionate. It wasn't the same. But he remembered the incident with Fjord and Avantika. Caduceus thought Avantika was trouble from the start. The idea of using intimacy to get something from her was distasteful to Caduceus to say the least. Maybe he was a romantic, maybe it wasn’t how he was raised, maybe it was just part of how much he hated lying, maybe it was also that they were both following a demon on a path to destruction, but everything about that situation had bothered him.

And of course this wasn't the same thing. Caleb was being friendly with Essek, maybe a little flirtatious, but it was hardly the same. And yet, Cad felt unsettled.

Caleb hadn't acted like _ Caleb _ with Essek.

Caleb had felt fine about Fjord having sex with Avantika. Would he be fine with doing the same?

Was that healthy for Caleb?

And why did the thought of that make Cad feel so...so...hurt?

The thoughts swirled around Caduceus' brain in a matter of seconds as his friends discussed which way to go. That was simple. Much simpler than the other thoughts.

"Let's just ask for directions." 

The Wildmother sent them a firefly to lead the way, but the local wildlife intervened. A toad ate their guide almost immediately.

"Hey. **Not cool, man. ** Not cool." Caduceus scolded the toad. Of course it wasn't the creature's fault. Things have to eat. _ You shouldn't take your frustrations out on Melora's children. _ He reminded himself. _ Even if they are being awful. _

He stuck his tongue out at the thing for good measure.

Caleb couldn't help but smile. He had a feeling this was exactly what Cad had been like with his siblings. When Caduceus caught his eye he smiled back, Caleb quickly looked away.

_ Please don't be afraid of me. _ Cad thought. He wished, not for the first time, that he could cast message. It would have been so much easier to talk to Caleb, without fear of intruding ears.

"Let's try that again." Caduceus said aloud. He closed his eyes and took a few cleansing breaths. "Where do we go, Wildmother?"

The answer this time was more clear, and urgent. Obann, Yasha, and the Laughing Hand were still ahead of them. When the Nein came across bodies within the hour, they found out exactly how far ahead. Cad spoke to the corpses, learning that they were in fact killed by Obann. They were guides taking him to the Wraithroot Tree, and the heart of Jourrael, the Caedogeist, or as she was also known: the Inevitable End.

Jester scryed on Yasha to see how far off they were from their quarry. Obann had made camp. She could see orange sparks strike at the base of Yasha's skull. Yasha was still fighting him.

"They've stopped for the night. I think we can get ahead of them, you guys. We have to keep going. Yasha needs us."

"But Jester, what if we have to face them?" Fjord posed the practical issue. "We're not in good form for a fight right now."

"Maybe a rest. Just a short one. Let's catch our breath." Cad suggested. He found a small opening at the base of a tree for them to sit in. He took a spot next to Caleb and handed him some water. 

"Are you alright?" Cad tried.

"Ja, I am fine. Of course. We have not fought anything yet." Caleb replied. It was a dodge, and the tone was slightly dismissive. "Danke." He added sheepishly, sipping from the canteen.

"I... I guess I meant...um. feelings. Are you feeling alright?"

Caleb looked up at Caduceus with eyes that were near screaming. It was a plea: _ I can't talk about it. Not now. Not in the middle of this. I got us here. That's the important thing. Please don't ask me more. _

"I... I am.. I am sorry, Caduceus." Caleb stammered out, as his eyes fell and bored into the earth. He didn't say more. 

Cad took the canteen and put it away. He scooted closer to Caleb. 

"Can I put my arm around you?" 

Caleb looked surprised, then nodded. Cad pulled him into his side.

"We can talk later. If...if that's alright. Please."

It had to be alright, Caleb thought. Cad deserved an honest conversation. Maybe that would finally be enough to show him that Caleb wasn't worth it. 

_ If I hadn't been so selfish, I would not have let it get this far. He wouldn't have to decide to give up on me. I should have made the decision before this started. Before I fell in love with him. _Caleb thought.

"Ja. Okay." Was all he said.

"I care about you, Caleb. I care very deeply." Caduceus kissed his hair and left it at that.

A choked whisper escaped Caleb's lips, as if the words were something to be ashamed of: "I care for you too." 

* * *

Fjord was right. There was no point in trying to fight Obann, the Laughing Hand and Yasha. They decided to try to get to the Wraithroot Tree first, and get the heart before Obann could. Caleb and Jester could speed up their travel as giant eagles. They pushed on, Jester carrying Beau and Fjord, Caleb with Cad and Nott. But as their second spell ended (and the party more or less fell back to earth) they realized they’d made a grave error.  
They landed mere feet away from Obann’s encampment.

“Hide!” Nott hissed. Their adversaries had heard the group land, and the Laughing Hand stalked over to investigate, the chilling whispers of laughter echoing behind it.

Beau grabbed Jester and pulled her into the underbrush as Fjord ducked out of sight and Nott disappeared in remarkable silence.

Caduceus pressed Caleb against the trunk of an oak, shielding him. Caleb felt the rough bark against his back, the warmth of Cad’s breathing quick but silent. Caleb looked up into Cad’s face. Cad touched their foreheads together, before pressing even closer, attempting to cover Caleb entirely from sight, if he could.

They waited. Footsteps fell. The laughter grew quiet. Caduceus exhaled, his breath rustling Caleb’s hair as one of his hands squeezed Caleb’s arm reassuringly.

Then they heard Obann “Someone’s been here. Look--” He inspected one of the broken branches from their fall. “Orphan Maker! Find them!” 

He took to the air, looking for signs of the trespassers.

Cad hugged Caleb tighter, and held as still as death.

It seemed like an eternity, though it was less than a minute before Obann called off the search and moved ahead. The Nein had to keep back as they followed. They were losing any chance to head them off before they reached the heart at the Wraithroot Tree.

“I tried. I tried to get the head with my Mage Hand.” Nott whispered as the group gathered back together. “He was too far above me.”

“It was a good idea Nott.” Jester affirmed.

“Come on.” Fjord was following the direction Obann had headed. “Maybe we will have a chance to stop this.”

* * *

The next time Obann and the Laughing Hand were within earshot, the Mighty Nein weren’t so lucky. Obann sent the Hand after them. It was only Fjord’s balgura that bought them time to get away, and his ability to charm the Hand when he called his shadow hounds. 

Caduceus was so proud of Fjord. The Wildmother was with him, and he was working alongside her.

The Hand was taken care of for now, leaving Yasha and Obann left to contend with, as they reached the Wraithroot Tree. The area was dead, twisted, and horrible. A lovely place to bury something evil. Obann was flying around the trunk of the tree, searching for his prize. As he reached into an opening in the trunk, the tree sprang to life, attacking both Obann and Yasha.

Caleb wasted no time in preparing their escape. He set to drawing a teleportation circle while his friends faced off with Obann. Nott made an admirable attempt to steal the skull again. Obann pulled a blue stone from the tree. It was now or never. But Obann saw her, and flew out of range. Nott was in danger. Caleb abandoned his circle.

“I’m not going to waste a spell while everyone I make it for gets killed.” he muttered to himself. 

The fight ended almost before it had begun. Obann grabbed Yasha’s hand and they disappeared, plane shifting to who knows where.

They had lost. It was over. In the distance, they could hear the Laughing Hand approaching. Fjord’s spell had ended.

“Let’s take him out.” Beau proposed. “Look, we can’t fight all three of them.”

“Four now,” Caduceus corrected.

“Four of ‘em, then. Whatever. We can take down the Hand now, and that’ll be one less to kill later.”

“Beauregard, we cannot. I cannot.” Caleb looked around at the rest of them. “We do not all have your strength.” He looked at Jester, whose spells were gone, and who was swaying on her feat, and at the hollowed look in Cad’s eyes. “We can’t win it. We have to go. Now.”

Caleb finished the circle, and the Mighty Nein warped to Rosohna, defeated, but alive.

* * *

In the Xhorhaus, they regroup, and try to form a plan. Gathering around the dining room, Beau perched on the table, Jester slumping tiredly against her leg, as Fjord joined her on the other side. Nott took a swig from her flask. “Well that was a fucking disaster.”

“I hate to say you’re right but, you’re right.” Fjord agreed.

Caleb sagged down onto one of the benches, and Cad was immediately behind him, hands on his shoulders. Caduceus was tired, but he felt unsettled. He wanted something to do with the feeling of needing to protect. Caleb was grateful for the comforting weight, and looked up to Caduceus with a weakened smile.

“I think,” Caleb began “we need to change our strategy. We cannot trust..anyone. On either side of this. This, this Caedogeist, and the Chained Oblivion. This is more than a bunch of fuck-ups can handle on our own.”

Caduceus nodded. “I agree. I think we need someone we _ can _ trust. We need help. We can’t let them go, but we can’t keep chasing after the wind either.”

Beau cocked an eyebrow. “And who do you suggest we go to that isn’t involved with the Empire or the Dynasty? The Cobalt Soul couldn’t do much for us.”

Caleb cleared his throat. “Perhaps Essek. Not as an ally. He’s too involved here, but I think he could provide information, and I don’t think he is as deeply...committed politically as one might think.”

Fjord glanced at Caduceus, gauging a reaction. He knew his roommate-turned-mentor well enough to guess that he might be uncomfortable with this, depending on how they went about building trust with Essek. Cad looked at Fjord and gave his head an almost imperceptible shake. He massaged Caleb’s shoulders, but said nothing.

Caleb continued. “The only person of power we know outside of all this is Yussa. I think he is our best hope.”

“I like that idea, Caleb.” Cad gave his shoulders another squeeze.

Jester nodded “Nicodranas is definitely outside of the war.”

“But can we trust him?” Fjord was open, but cautious.

“Can we trust anybody?” Nott asked. “If that’s the guy we’ve got, he’s better than anyone else we can think of.”

Just in time to join the conversation, Diaron returned to the Xhorhaus, with news about the war. She confirmed that the Luxon had been given to the Empire from someone within the Dynasty. This was troubling. Fjord raised the Star Razor, casting _ See Invisibility _. Sure enough, within moments, he saw a bobbing orb of light: someone was watching them.

They hurried to Cad’s tower, testing the orbs limits. It followed. Sitting around Caduceus’ tree, they attempted to lead the watcher down the wrong path, making plans to go to Rexxentrum. Satisfied, Caleb held his amulet to the orb, dispelling it. 

“That is enough of that.” He said, looking visibly shaken. “This house is not safe.” His heart shattered saying it, standing in a room that had become so safe to him, that had allowed him healing. He was mortified at what might have been seen by others in this room, secrets and pain and love all being watched for the sake of war. But there was no time to grieve it now. That would have to wait. “We do not sleep outside of the dome when we are here. We trust **no one.” **Caleb’s tone was cold and commanding. He was afraid, and he was not about to let the war take these people away from him.

* * *

The group gathered their pillows and blankets and met in the library/lab. Jester did her best (which was pretty good) to give everyone the feeling of having a sleepover, rather than thinking about the fact that they were hiding from their own home.

Caduceus slipped into Caleb’s room to get his blankets and pillow to create a little nest with his own. Caleb looked up at Cad when Nott elbowed him. Cad smiled, anxiety creeping in at the corners of his mouth. “You’d better talk to him.” She whispered. “I think he’s afraid he’s got competition.” 

Caleb furrowed his brow. “_ Was? _ Why?”

“He hasn’t pulled cons with you like I have. I don’t think he’s used to the whole ‘butter them up to get what you need’ bit.”

Caleb raised his eyebrows. That hadn’t even occurred to him. He expected Cad would be upset with him for trying to manipulate Essek. He remembered how Cad felt at sea about Fjord and Avantika, though he had to admit, he figured part of that was just Caduceus’ strong distaste for anything Uk’otoa-related.

Caleb crossed the small space and knelt beside Cad. "Thank you, Caduceus.” He took off his coat and laid it by his pillow. “I was just going to use my bedroll.”  
“I figured. I just thought, maybe, since we do still have a house, it would be nicer to have something more like a bed.” Cad’s ears swished as he busied himself with the blankets. “Um, is it alright? I would understand if you’d rather have your own space…”

Caleb placed his hand over Caduceus’. He glanced over where Jester was playing a word game with everyone else. She was a miracle. Nott gave him a thumbs up. These were good people. He loved these people. “This space is _ gut. _ I...I am sorry about this house...about losing our other spaces.”

“That isn’t your fault Caleb. We are being watched. That feels ugly, but it's not anyone's fault here...Are you...are you alright about it?”

Caleb shrugged. “It is war, ja? That is what happens. There is nothing private. I just hate that you all had to learn about it this way. Or learn about it at all.”

“I do not like war.” Caduceus said. The sentence seemed far too small for what he wanted to convey. “I don’t like what it does to people.”

They both fell silent, sitting on the blankets Cad had arranged, cross-legged and facing each other, each hesitant to look the other in the eyes.

“Look, Caduceus. I am...sorry. If I made you angry today. With Essek. I want you to know, I would _ never, _I am not interested in being with anyone else...it is just...we needed to get him to take us and--”

Caduceus cut him off “I know that.” Though as Caleb met his gaze, he saw relief on Cad’s face. “I know that. And I'm not angry. It’s just, you didn’t seem yourself. I--I don’t like that.” He thought for a moment, and glanced over his shoulder. Jester and Beau turned back away from them, making a poor attempt at trying not to listen. There was hardly space in here for privacy.

“Maybe we should talk about it later. But...I’m not mad, Caleb. Sad, maybe, but not mad.”

It was Caleb’s turn to look relieved. “Later then.” He agreed. “Let’s get some sleep, ja?” He crawled under the blankets and laced his fingers together with Caduceus’. Cad looked so hopeful, so glad that Caleb wasn’t pushing him away. The expression melted Caleb’s heart. Cad got under the covers and pulled Caleb tight against his chest.

“Hey. Love birds. It’s a public space. Keep it appropriate over there.” Beau razzed them, throwing a sock at Caleb’s head. 

Cad picked it up with a look of mild confusion. “Miss Beau, we don’t have a doorknob, and you just said to keep it appropriate. Why do we need your sock?”

Fjord spit out his ale, and Nott fell over, howling with laughter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is primarily a chapter setting up future chapters, so it's a little shorter and less dialogue heavy. I'm not totally thrilled with the balance of episode description to fic pieces, but this was all pretty plot central stuff, and we'll need it to understand what's going on later.
> 
> Hope you enjoy the angst and feelings! So much more on the way! (Let's be honest, if you're reading this fic, you most likely LOVE angst and feelings.)


	14. My Own Bane

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spoilers for EP 80-83  
Into the Folding Halls of Halas, the Archmage's Bane. Some of our fellows face internal and external battles.

Caduceus opened his eyes to the dark. Without the light from his tree, he couldn't be certain of the time, but judging by the sounds around him, he was the first awake. He listened to the snores and deep breathing, counting each unique one until all of his friends were accounted for. Caleb was still beside him, head resting in the crook of his shoulder. Cad’s focus shifted unpleasantly inward.

He felt a sickening weight in his chest, heavy, tired. Dead.

He knew this feeling. It was one he hadn't felt since he began his adventures with the Mighty Nein. It was immense and empty. He felt it catch at his throat.

It was like that summer, many seasons ago now, when he couldn't wake up. The summer when the cucumbers rotted on the vine. The summer the tea leaves grew and grew and he didn't harvest them and they withered. It was the first time he had wondered if he was connected to the Grove, wasting with it. He wondered again now. Cad sighed, and waited. It could pass. Maybe it would pass.

Fjord woke with a cough, stretched, and left for the kitchen. 

Cad tried to will himself to get up.

Nott woke next, scuffling around in her bag before creeping out.

Caduceus told himself she was hungry. That he should get up and make them all breakfast. But he didn't move. He tried, but the force against his heart wouldn't budge. It was like a heap of rotting bones and compost, mouldering away inside him.

Beau and Jester got up, fussing at each other, trying to get dressed in relative quiet. “Ugh, I would kill for a cinnamon roll right now.” Jester grumbled as they made their way out of the room.

The dome was empty except for Caleb and himself.

Cad tried to think of what they needed to do today. Maybe the knowledge that he  _ had _ to move would spark something. They were leaving again. No time to wait it out. He wanted his garden. He felt like he was another corrupted, forgotten plant, like his roots were withering, but he had no time and no energy to tend them.

"Cad? You are...not well today?"

Caleb was looking at him with that ice blue gaze.

"I... I'm fine."

"Nein. You are not fine. And you are a poor liar. You have been awake for an hour and twenty-two minutes, if not more.”    
Caleb added as a means of explanation, “Your breathing changes when you wake up. I--I am a light sleeper. Anyway, you don't usually stay in bed when you are awake." Caleb's tone softened. "What is it?"

Cad shook his head. "I don't know. It happens sometimes. I feel..." He sighed, and looked at Caleb, lost. No one had been around to ask before. Caduceus had never put it into words. 

Caleb propped himself up on an elbow, reading over Caduceus like a page. He recognized this. He ran his hand through Cad's silver streaked hair, wondering again about its source. Then he reached away and dug into his coat pocket for a wire.

"Nott. Would you put the kettle on, and ask Jester to go get pastries for breakfast?" He glanced back down at Cad. "Caduceus is not feeling well. Nothing serious. He just needs a little extra sleep. I'll come make your coffee soon."

"Lovesick, I bet! You can’t fool me. You two just wanna make out--" Nott quipped, but her tone switched as she caught onto Caleb's. "It's fine. Take care of him. We'll leave you alone and get breakfast on our own. You can reply to this message." Caleb smiled to himself and tucked the wire away. He turned his full attention back on Caduceus.

"There. Breakfast is taken care of. We have time now." He paused, weighing the question before he asked it. 

He ran his hand soothingly over Cad's chest. "Did something cause this?" Caleb felt his face get hot. Was he the cause?    
  


Caduceus shook his head, opening his mouth several times to answer, but nothing came out.

"I'm here." Caleb whispered. "I've got you. You can tell me." He continued the motion over Cad’s chest, and he felt Caduceus breathe deeply. 

  
“I...don’t know.” Cad answered finally. “It has happened before. It could be...my forest. My...the Savalirwood. There was a time, after my mother left, after everyone left. I don’t remember how long…” He trailed off, trying to find his breath. “The garden, I didn’t...I couldn’t look after it. A season, maybe more, where it was like there was a weight on me. Like now. Like everything was dead, and I was dying with it. I couldn’t do anything. Didn’t eat. Didn’t work. Didn’t...anything. It happened more times after that, but not for as long. Do you think...my forest is trying to tell me, that the Wildmother is warning me, that I’ve failed? That it’s too late?” Cad searched Caleb’s face. He looked so fragile and afraid. In that moment, everything that had been screaming at Caleb to walk away from Caduceus, to set him free before Caleb really hurt him, all went silent. Caleb couldn’t have walked away if his life depended on it. 

Caleb cupped Cad’s face. “No. I do not think you have failed. I...I cannot speak for the Wildmother, I do not know her like you do, but I do not think this is her doing.” 

Caleb recognized the depressive despair that arrested a person from moving, from doing anything. He had lived it. He wondered how long the first time had really been. Caduceus’ concept of time and seasons was...dizzying. 

“I...I have felt this, I think. If the Wildmother were trying to speak to you about your forest, I think she would do it differently. And I think Fjord would be feeling something too. We can ask him. When you are ready to get up. But perhaps for now, you just need to start slow.”

Cad waited, closing his eyes again, breathing into Caleb’s touch. Caleb resumed his gentle massage over Cad’s chest, content to wait with him as long as he needed. 

“Caleb?”

“Mmm?”   
“Am I...this is real right? I’m  _ here,  _ and you’re here? I’m not--”  _ Dead.  _ He wanted to say. A ghost, lost without place or purpose.

“This is very real, Mr. Clay. We are here.” Caleb took Cad’s hand, placing a kiss on each finger. “This one is real. And this one. And this…” Caleb adopted an almost playful expression as he continued to the other hand, counting every digit. He knew he couldn’t undo the fearful feeling in Cad’s heart. He had lived it enough to know better than that, but it could sometimes be distracted.

“And this is not the ear of a withering man” he continued, nuzzling with his nose and giving a soft kiss to Cad’s ear. As expected, Caduceus’ ear fluttered, and he even began to smile. Caleb kissed it again, longer this time gently nipping the edge, pressing his body closer over Caduceus. “Very much alive.”

He moved until he was nose to nose with Caduceus, hovering over him. “Real eyes. Beautiful eyes. Full of life.” He breathed in deep. “Same breath as mine, and I know I am here. No, Caduceus Clay, I am afraid I must pronounce you to be a fully physical manifestation of yourself.”

Caduceus was drawn into Caleb’s game, little by little. “Are you sure?” He whispered.

Caleb gave him a full grin. “Let me check one more thing.” He met Cad with a long kiss. Cad was receptive, though Caleb noticed his usual enthusiasm to explore and push was exchanged for something softer, something in need of care, asking to be held. Caleb was only too ready to give that. He treasured Cad through the press of lips, his tongue gliding into Cad’s mouth, slow, gentle, his breath steady. He cradled Caduceus’ head under one arm, massaging his side with the other hand. He sucked Cad’s bottom lip into his mouth, barely able to stop the moan he felt rising in his own chest. He began to pull back, and found Caduceus moved with him, not letting their lips part, hands holding onto Caleb’s waist. Without consciously realizing it, Caduceus was sitting up, pulling Caleb into his lap. Caleb of course knew, and followed the guiding motions willingly. This had been his plan all along: Sitting up was the first step to breaking out of that frozen feeling. He hooked his ankles behind Cad’s back, wrapping him in a tight, reassuring embrace. “There.” He exhaled, trying to catch his breath a little, one hand running up to stroke Cad’s ear, not wanting to lose the intimate touch. “I knew you could do it.” Caleb tucked his head against Cad’s neck.

“Oh. Hey.” Caduceus opened his eyes and looked around, a little astonished to see he was upright, and then astonished to find Caleb locked so tightly around him. _ I love you _ , Cad thought with all his heart, not sure if he could say it, but willing the thought into Caleb as he hugged the man, his hands nearly covering Caleb's sides as they wrapped around him.

“Thank you, Caleb.”

“Thank  _ you _ ,” Caleb replied. “That was a big step.”

They sat there for a long while, saying nothing, just holding each other. Slowly Cad felt the weight shed from around his heart, falling away like crumbling stone. Caleb never let go. He stayed in Cad’s arms, holding Caduceus for dear life, every point of contact a reminder that Cad was alive, not withering, not dying, not hopeless, lost, or abandoned. Caleb made himself a human lifeline. The more Caduceus learned about war, the more he began to realize what his former-soldier had survived, and the powerful resilience he must have, to carry all these secret tools for healing others. He had seen it in how Caleb cared for Nott and Beauregard, his clever, selective use of touch, the gentle, protective nature he had around Jester, the gruff understanding he had with Fjord...but in his arms, Caleb gave Caduceus all he had. Caduceus felt hot tears run down his cheeks. This was an immense gift.

“ _ Was ist das _ ?” Caleb said. He felt a tear fall on his head, and sat up, studying Cad’s face, brushing a tear away from his eye.

“I’m just very thankful for you Caleb. Very thankful.” Cad kissed his forehead and tightened his hug.

“Well you have me, Caduceus.” Caleb whispered. “You have me.” 

Caleb felt he may have signed his own death sentence with the words, and hoped that he had not also signed Caduceus’. 

* * *

They emerged from the study a few minutes after Nott and Jester returned with pastries from a bakery down the street. By the lighthearted conversation going on, it was clear that there was a pretense of normalcy being put on, with the likely chance that they were still being watched.

Caleb held Cad’s hand, leading him into the dining room. Much to both their surprise, Beau put down a plate of eggs to be shared, and Fjord pressed a mug of coffee into Caleb’s hands, patting him on the arm as Caleb headed for the kitchen and Fjord took a seat beside Caduceus.

“How are you this morning?” Fjord asked Caduceus, grabbing what approximated a donut from the pile of Xhorhasian pastries in the middle of the table.

“I’m...I’m better now, thank you. And thank you for breakfast” he added to the rest of the group. “Really. Miss Beau, these eggs look wonderful.”

Beau beamed proudly “Nah. They’re not nearly as good as yours, Cad.”

Caduceus looked at Fjord a little nervous. “How--how did you sleep, Fjord?”

“Oh? Fine. Slept like a log. You don’t spend as long as I have at sea without gaining some skill for sleeping just about anywhere.” 

“No dreams? No premonitions?”

“Nothing.” Fjord assured. "If anything, since the Wildmother...took me in, I’ve slept better than ever. Why? Did she say something to you?”

“The Traveler gives me good dreams ALL THE TIME.” Jester bragged somewhat defensively to no one in particular. Beau laughed and Caduceus smiled at her, somewhat relieved. 

“No, she didn’t say anything. I was just...not sure about this morning. I was...isolated. Didn’t feel quite myself. But I’m better now. Again, thank you, all.”

Fjord recalled some of the meditations Caduceus had taught him. “Well, if I understand it right, if the Wildmother is speaking, you should feel more yourself, isn’t that so? More connected? Even if it’s bad news, her presence is in it.”

Caduceus nodded. Fjord was exactly right.

Caleb rejoined them, bringing out a pot of tea and pouring it into Cad’s favorite teacup. He pressed a kiss to Cad’s temple as he set the cup in front of him. “There. Something to make you feel more yourself.” He stayed behind Caduceus, hands on his shoulders. If he was feeling shy about showing so much affection, he was hiding it well. His concern for Caduceus outweighed his personal insecurities. Jester beamed at him. She loved seeing people in love, and no matter what anyone said, she wanted to believe these two were in love. Caleb gave her a quick, subtle wink, and she practically glowed.

“The Gwyaelon Family” Cad said with surprise. He looked up at Caleb. 

“Good for healing energies, you said once.” Caleb returned with a smile.

“Yeah.” Cad was bewildered. “Very good.”

Caleb sat next to him and tucked into breakfast, downing his coffee fast enough to make Nott brew a second batch on her own.

* * *

There was little time for reprieve that morning. Caleb had slowed himself down considerably in staying in bed with Caduceus so long, but it couldn’t be helped. He left as soon as he finished breakfast to get chalk and a few other supplies, some things for Nott as well. He was not keen to get caught unprepared again after their last several encounters. Yesterday it had been agreed that Yussa was their best chance for an ally, which meant a jump to Nicodranas, and from there, who could say. Better to stock up now,

Almost as soon as Caleb returned, Fjord confirmed that the scrying orb remained in the room with them. When Essek arrived to receive their report on the events at the Lotusden, he was flanked by two guards. Thanks to Caduceus, they knew Essek wasn't the one spying on the house, but that only made this new appearance more unsettling. Caleb didn't buy for a moment the story about break-ins and extra protection. Something was wrong. There was a note of warning in Essek's voice. The guards at least waited outside while they talked.

“I am sorry,” Essek started, “about yesterday. I was under a lot of pressure. I was not my usual self.” He looked most pointedly at Caleb for this. Caleb gave him a nod of understanding, and saw what could have been a smile, or a shade of relief in Essek’s eyes. 

“Can we get you a drink?” Caleb offered. 

Cad was standing in the kitchen doorway, watching. “I’d be glad to make you some tea." He seemed restless.

“No, but thank you.” Essek replied quickly, glancing back over his shoulder towards the door where his guards waited. “I cannot stay long. Please, tell me what happened yesterday. The Laughing Hand, this Obann person--were you able to stop them?”

The explanation of events was no easier for having a whole night to sleep on it. Caleb took the lead in passing on the worst of the news, Fjord stepping in to finesse as needed. When they finished, Essek advised them to stay focused on this danger, on stopping Obann and his new recruits. He reminded them that their use to the Bright Queen lay in their ability to provide her with military information. They could find the beacon, or they could stop Obann, but outside of that, they were of little use to the Dynasty.

Utility. Caleb considered their position. They were kept alive in this court because they were useful, and anything he could make Essek feel wasn’t going to change that. Given the evidence, Essek was already in trouble for their sakes. He had done what he could. Caleb thought better of the attempt to soften Essek with romance. He would keep it as a last resort. Very last resort, he thought, as he locked eyes with Caduceus from the kitchen.

Information exchanged, and a slightly pleading reminder from both Caleb and Caduceus that this war seemed to be a manipulation of both sides from an outside source, Essek left. Moments later, the scrying orb winked out. 

“Huh. That’s interesting.” Cad said as he watched it disappear.

“It would seem our friend Essek may be under as tight a watch as we are. We should go." Caleb advised. "I think we’ve got all the evidence we need to say that we are not going to get anywhere without help from someone else. Not the Dynasty, not the Empire. If Dairon is joining us, tell her it is time to leave.”

He began drawing his teleportation circle to make the jump to Nicodranas.

* * *

In coming to Nicodranas, they had expected help. They had expected some thoughtful input, some direction on what their next steps should be. What they got was a goblin butler, worried sick about his missing lord.

Yussa had gone in to the Happy Fun Ball.   
It had been three weeks.   
He had not come back out.

“Time passes faster out here than it does in there, even so, three weeks is long enough. He gave you an emergency contact?” Caleb asked.

“Yes. An-an ally, he said.” 

“Good. Call them now.”

In minutes, the Nein were joined by another archmage. Caleb couldn’t tell if he was more elated or terrified with the number of them he was now finding in his acquaintance. Allura Vysoren entered the room with the grace and power of a mountain. Ally was an understatement. She was one of the most powerful mages any of them had ever encountered, and she knew exactly how dangerous their “Happy Fun Ball” really was.

“It is called the Heirloom Sphere, the gateway into the Folding Halls of Halas--it sounds like you are already somewhat familiar with him. It would benefit you to know, it is also known as the Archmage’s Bane. Yussa, you fool.” The last bit she said to herself, and her friend who could not hear her.

Allura could not risk going into the sphere. Yussa’s disappearance and the “Archmage’s Bane” were enough to account for that. While she helped them prepare, including gifting them a mirror to contact her, and some healing potions, Nott uncovered another useful tool: Yussa had been constructing a map of the inside of the Happy Fun Ball. He had paid particular attention to one chamber: the Perma-Heart chamber.

Jester connected the dots first. Even while absent, and apparently while doing something outrageously stupid, Yussa was helping them. With what they had learned about the Laughing Hand, that his heart was kept on another plane, Jester realized this  _ was _ his heart, and if they could kill it, he could be killed.

That was enough for Caleb. He immediately had the sphere in his hands, and with a few twists, there was a bright blue flash, and he was gone. His companions lost no time in diving in after him.

* * *

Through the first set of rooms, into a humid, jungle of a space, which Yussa had named “The Garden,” the Mighty Nein started their own exploration of the folding halls. They lost no time in finding the dangers they faced within: magic users attacked by mites any time they cast, creatures hiding in the water and around--Caleb barely had time to relish the success of his first trial of a new spell. Widowgast’s Web of Fire worked, but wasn’t enough to stop Nott or Caduceus from being consumed by the frog-like creature inhabiting the pool at the base of the waterfall, central to the room. But the Nein hadn’t gotten this far by not looking out for each other. Nott and Cad rescued, and Jester making brave use of her magic to deal the final killing blow, they had a chance to search the exits. 

And that’s where they lost Caleb.

Nott opened a space in the waterfall, and they filed into the shallow cave beyond, to a door made of a burgundy-colored wood. This was the door to the study. The others weren’t sure the study was their best route forward, and since forward was their main goal, they fanned out to find the other doors. 

“Everyone take a buddy” Caduceus called.

Caleb stayed behind.

Caleb’s hand reached for the warm brass doorknob. His fingers flexed. His arms itched. He remembered the last time they were in that room. He remembered the book he saw. It was possible. He could change the past. He could undo what had been done. He took a look over his shoulder, back at the wall of water and the doorway his friend had made. Through it, he saw Caduceus, eyes raised to the top of the waterfall, looking for something.

Caleb dropped his hand, and sent Frumpkin through the door instead. 

He waited, staring at the woodgrain, etching it into his mind. He didn’t move.

Caduceus poked his head behind the water, into the little alcove Caleb was rooted in. “Caleb?”

“Ja.”

“Are you alright?”

“Ja.”

“He, that is, Yussa already went through here. I don’t...I don’t think you’re going to find what you’re looking for.”

“Maybe.”

“You could ask him, when we find him. Maybe he would let you at least take a look at the book?”

“Maybe.”

Caleb didn’t turn around, didn’t look away from the door.

Caduceus stepped in behind the waterfall, and stood next to Caleb. He still didn’t turn. Caduceus could see clearly that this place was already affecting Caleb. He didn’t like it.

“Don’t...do anything foolish.” Cad squeezed his shoulder, and rejoined the search with the others.

After about half an hour, they decided on the exit at the top of the waterfall, the Tower. While the others situated themselves to take a little rest, and check in with Allura, Caduceus went back to Caleb, still unresponsive to anything but the door.

Caduceus took his hand “Cay. I--I’m sorry. We need to go.”

Caleb slowly turned his gaze on Caduceus, and saw the concern on his face, but it felt miles away. He held Cad’s look for a minute, then snapped his fingers, and Frumpkin reappeared.

“What did you see?”

Caleb reviewed the images in Frumpkin’s mind. Caduceus had been right. The room was cleared out. All of the books were gone from the shelves. He lifted Frumpkin to his shoulders, and turned his full attention to Caduceus. 

“You are right. They are gone. All the books.”

Cad heard the disappointment in his voice, and drew Caleb into a tight embrace. “I’m sorry. We’ll find what you need, with those books or without.”

Frumpkin stayed scarfed around Caleb’s shoulders, but butted his head into Cad’s arm.

* * *

A night inside the Happy Fun Ball was not what anyone wanted. After checking in with Allura, they’d figured out that roughly a day passed for every hour they spent here. But it couldn’t be helped. Halas had more than enough deadly mechanisms, creatures and traps to best a series of great mages, let alone an adventuring crew on a rescue mission.

Perhaps the worst of what they had experienced so far was the golem they met in the Tower. Fjord and Caleb had both sustained grave injuries from its arcane energy blasts, but it was the collar it affixed to Caleb’s neck that unnerved him the most.

Nott managed to pick apart the collar and remove it, and Caleb kept it. Now, having destroyed the golem, they took their rest in the Arcane Armory. Caleb sat on the ground and pulled the two halves of the collar from his pocket.

The feeling of being silenced was horrible. Caleb was no stranger to having his power taken from him, but the more he relied on magic, the more terrifying the prospect of not being able to use it became. He wondered what he could do with a device like this. He thought of Trent. He imagined the fear in his eyes as he was trapped without his words, without his own power. Caleb imagined himself standing over the man who took so much from him, now powerless, as he had once been.

Caleb’s knuckles were white, the metal brace of the collar biting into his palms. 

“Cay--you alright. Cay-Cay? Lebby?” Nott shook his shoulder. She was still pretty excited about her discovery (and brilliant use) of the ballista in this room, but not so much as to not notice her friend doing that zoning out thing he did from time to time. Never a good thing, in her experience.

Caleb shook his head, and his grip on the collar pieces relaxed a little. “Ja. Ja, I am fine. Sorry. I was somewhere else.”

“I noticed. You sure you’re okay?”

Caleb nodded, and bamfed Frumpkin into Nott’s arms. “I am okay. Just planning.”

Sleeping was not a comfortable affair for anyone in that space. Fjord chose to skip it altogether, and stay on watch. Caleb laid awake for more than an hour after the rest had taken to sleep. He stared at the door, and the hulking mess of golem remains. He pressed his face against the rough, cold stone floor, pushing and dragging his hand along it, grounding to the sensation of abraision along the heel of his hand. He stilled when a familiar arm came over him, a large hand pressed against his stomach.

“Hey.” Cad whispered in his ear. “Can’t sleep?”

Caleb shook his head.

“What are you doing?”

Again, Caleb shook his head, but he stopped the motion of his hand on the floor.

“I didn’t like...seeing you without your voice today. That must have been frightening.”

“Precautionary measures of a mage. We are the biggest threats to each other.”

“It’s dangerous here, but especially for you then.”

“Maybe. Can’t say I would not have done the same in his position.” Caleb sounded cold and distant. Cad listened, uncomfortable with the direction and tone Caleb’s mind was taking on. He waited for a minute or more. When Caleb said nothing else, Cad hugged him closer. He was surprised to find Caleb relaxed a little into him, less surprised that it was only a little.

“You don’t have to defend yourself alone in here, Caleb. Halas seemed to think alone was the only path for a man of his power. You have us. I think that’s a much better path.”

Caleb wasn’t sure he could agree. He changed the subject.

“How are you feeling, since...this morning? Any better?” 

“I think so.. Yes.” Caduceus recognized Caleb had said all he was going to about how he felt for now. That was alright. He curled around Caleb as he thought about their morning. “I don’t like being in here, but it seems like we’ve got some chance to do more good than we planned, so that helps.”

“If you need me again...if you wake up and things are not all right, let me know, ja?”

“I don’t think we’ll get much privacy.” Cad countered.

“That doesn’t matter. I can help. I will. You...you deserve to be taken care of, Caduceus. Let me know...let me know what you need, or if you don’t know, we will figure it out to-to-together.”

Caleb was surprised to find his breath abandoning him as he stuttered out the last words. It could have been residual shock from losing his power of speech, it could have been the overwhelming feelings at what he was promising, or the warring parts of his brain: one demanding that he focus on himself, on getting what he could out of this place and out of life until he could make amends, the other crying out for connection, desperate to listen to Cad’s belief that he was not better off alone.

Caduceus felt in his bones how much he needed Caleb, and though Caleb maybe couldn’t say it, he clearly needed the Mighty Nein. As Caleb’s breathing slowed and his eyelids began to droop despite himself, Caduceus was fairly sure Caleb needed  _ him _ . He pulled his blanket over them both, and when he brought his arm back around Caleb, the half-sleeping wizard clung to Caduceus’ embrace. He didn’t want to be let go.

* * *

Upon waking, they contacted Allura. It had been more than a week since they entered the sphere, and a lot can change in a war during that time. They learned that Hupperdook had been attacked. It was a strategic move, of course. Hupperdook was where the Empire made many of its weapons, but all Jester could think about was Kiri.

“She’s gonna be alright, Jess.” Beau reassured, putting an arm around her. “I’m sure she’s alright.” Of course, Beau was anything but sure of that, but hope was really all she could offer.

They pushed on, using the ballista to blast through the golem and the exit from the Arcane Armory. Arriving in the Golem Workshop, somewhat by accident, Caleb could not contain his curiosity. They could make a golem. His friends chose to help with the endeavor. As Cad watched, he couldn’t help but see the differences in their wizard and the remnants of the one that made this place. Yes, Caleb wanted their protection, but he relied on his friends, and they relied on him. Caduceus believed this was a crucial distinction that Caleb seemed reluctant to make for himself.

Creating made Caleb a little giddy, thrilled when it worked and the golem bonded to him. He decided to give him a name: Little Willi. Nott grinned. Caleb’s childish sense humor was still there. That was a good sign at least.

The deeper they went, the more Caleb saw potential versions of himself, especially in the Experiment Chamber, when they encountered misshapen, deadly versions of Halas. Caleb had lived through another mage’s experiments. Halas used himself as the test subject. Caleb was impressed. He could...understand that choice. Hells, that’s what he would be doing with dunamancy and time magic if he could get his hands on the right books. And that’s what he deserved. Bren Aldric Ermundrud might have had a different purpose. Things could have gone another way, and his parents could still be alive. But they didn’t, and they weren’t. The purpose of Caleb Widogast then was to undo what had been done, by Bren, and by the greater powers puppeting him. Caleb was bent on protecting himself. The more he saw of this mage, the more he resolved to fix his own past, and be grateful if it cost him his life. But until that past was changed, he had to stay alive.

But then one of those experiments threw Caduceus to the ground, knocking him unconscious, and from across the room, Caleb battled with himself. He was behind his golem, knowing he should go to Cad, trying to, but that wasn’t his purpose. That wasn’t his life. 

He could have converted to Traveler-worship on the spot when Jester revived Caduceus.  _ At least she can focus on what matters,  _ Caleb thought to himself, shame burning in his cheeks.

When they had finally beaten and burned the corpse of the experiment, they moved on to the heart study, and found the Permaheart. At no small cost, they managed to destroy it. Willi was almost destroyed with it. They returned to the Golem Workshop, Caleb taking any of Halas’ notes that he could find from the study, and Caleb focused his attention to repairing Willi. It wasn’t a huge success. He was distracted by his own goals, his own fears. This place made him question all of his choices, make them, remake them, and second guess again.

But they found from Allura that it had worked: destroying the Permaheart had severely weakened the Laughing Hand. Even without yet finding Yussa, this was worth the trip inside, provided they could get back out.

Caduceus and Jester both communed with their deities, finding that yes, Yussa was still alive, and where he was: held in the Prison of Soot. Cad for his part was relieved. Melora, even from this place, was with him. She hadn’t abandoned him. He was pretty sure if he failed in his quest for the Savalirwood, things would have gone differently now. Caleb and Fjord had been right. Cad smiled warmly to Fjord. Looking for Caleb, he found him crouched over in a corner with his golem, Frumpkin tucked tight against his neck. He was pointedly not looking up.

* * *

Another eight hours of rest (it was hard to think of time as “day” and “night” in this place), and Caleb was sure they needed to get out of here fast. He could feel all of the competing desires ripping his mind to shreds.

Caduceus was ready to get his family out of here, sooner rather than later. 

And yet, all they seemed to be doing was diving deeper. Caleb was not the only one pulled by curiosity. As the group debated their route to Yussa’s prison, the Dreadnaught became the obvious choice. None of them could resist the pull on their curiosity, even knowing what they name likely meant. Not even Caduceus could help himself, which was why the Mighty Nein found themselves floating in an ethereal night, where a massive beast, its eye bolted over with platinum, its mouth chained as some groteque gate, was kept, shackled to an island of vivid cerulean rock. It would have been a beautiful place had it not been for the creature inhabiting it.

And then they were, beyond all reason, going into the creature’s mouth. A monster was a hell of a place to hide a pocket dimension within a pocket dimension. It was horrifying, and brilliant.

* * *

And here, at last, they found not the mage they were seeking, but the one who created this imposing, labyrinthine palace. They found the body of Halas, and with it, his trapped soul, enshrined in a ruby. The search of his laboratory uncovered his work on spells to change himself permanently, work gesturing to his clones, and the ability to transfer his own soul into another’s body.

Nott lost care at the possibility of Halas being able to change her permanently. Though Caleb warned against it, she continued to ask him through the gem. Caleb did his best to keep the gem from being used by any of them. A bargain with that mage could only make trouble as far as he was concerned. But they did need his help to get any further.

The knowledge that he had been trapped in this ruby for over an eon was enough apparently to get Halas to cooperate, at least in getting them to Yussa, and out of the Happy Fun Ball, which no longer felt happy or fun.

Going through the complicated glyph in the ceiling, the Nein were transported into the study. It was as Caleb had seen through Frumpkin’s eyes. Nothing was going to bring him the books he needed. He knew he should stop looking for answers in this place. It was going to lead to trouble. 

Nott was already finding that trouble on her own. She took the ruby from Jester again. Yes, she was after information they needed, what to expect in the prison ahead. It would seem the soot was going to be a problem. If they spoke they would call more golems to them, and paralyze the speaker. Caleb took the warning, and left her to her questioning, missing the rest of her conversation. She asked Halas again about changing her body. The mage saw his opportunity. The others in this group may not be ready to make a deal, but it would appear this goblin girl was.

Caleb scratched at his arms absently, frustrated. The others headed into the next room as Caleb looked around the floor of the study for any forgotten piece of parchment, anything Yussa might have missed. Caduceus looped his arm with Caleb’s, and pulled him upright. Caleb had to uncross his arms, and he looked into Cad’s face. 

“You’re scratching.” Cad said gently.

“Oh. Sorry. I guess I was.” He shifted his arm and put his hand in Cad’s. “Danke.”

* * *

The Circlebound Chamber was their next room, the last they would have to get through before reaching the prison, and hopefully, Yussa. Here were all manner of demonic depictions, tapestries of battles, books of spells and notes, and one surly, conniving devil, imprisoned by Halas. Caleb considered all the bargains Halas had made to gain his power, and it made him shudder. Caduceus squeezed his hand a little tighter.

They found the prison door without incident, entering with a determined silence.

But then there were boxes. Writing to communicate, Jester told the others this was probably what was taken from prisoners held here. Nott was gone to find whatever treasures she could before anyone could stop her.

Caleb gestured wildly, trying to get her attention, to make her check for traps. Too late. 

An explosion.

A burst of magic.

Nott’s lifeless body fell to the floor. 

Caleb pushed past everyone and scooped her up, running to the Circlebound Chamber, praying they had enough time to bring her back.

Jester was beside them in an instant on the floor of the chamber, diamond at the ready, to cast and bring her back to life. But the spell went wrong. Caleb watched in horror. The diamond blackened, crumpled. No life-giving magic flared. The black powder began to scatter, when a pale green light enveloped it, and pushed it again, at the heart of his friend. Jester saw the hand of the Traveler.

“Please,” she whispered, “please.” 

Nott gasped and looked around frantically. Caleb scooped her up into his arms and hugged her like he couldn’t decide if he wanted to throttle her or kiss her.

“You stupid, wonderful--” he held her back at arms length and looked her sternly in the eyes.

“Do you still want me to do what you asked?”

Nott nodded, looking embarrassed, ready for the scolding.

“Do you want your family back? Do you want to be whole again?”

“Yes.” She answered sheepishly.

“Then  **Check. For. Traps.** ” He knocked his forehead against hers, and added in a whisper. “Please, meine freunden, I cannot lose you too. Be more careful.” He didn’t set her down for another minute. When he finally did he took hold of her hand. 

Cad looked around at the Mighty Nein. “Let’s try again, shall we?

* * *

The way to Yussa was easier going the second time. They took more care and Nott was not let out of Caleb's hold. It wasn’t the last time they’d be thankful for Jester’s magic paint. She made quick work of the bars to his cell. With Yussa now safe, it was easy enough to get to a familiar exit. They returned to the dragon’s lair, no longer a danger with the dragon dead. 

“Jester.” Fjord pulled her aside. “I just wanted to say, I’m...glad you were here. We could have lost Nott for good today. You were remarkable.”

Jester smiled at him, but it was not the proud or joyful smile she so often held. She was exhausted in a way that was more spiritual than physical. “I’m just glad it worked. I thought for a minute there that it wouldn’t. I’m ready to go home, Fjord. Honestly, I’m ready to go back to when things were happy. I guess, that’s not really how it works, but still. Sometimes I wonder if it would have been better to stay in my room.”

Fjord nodded. “It’s hard, I know. But I, for one, am very thankful you didn’t.” He reached out of offer her a hug, and she fell into it gratefully.

“Things will get better, Jester. I promise.”

Caleb stopped Nott before she stepped through the door. He knelt down and took her hand. “Nott,  _ Veth _ , I am going to learn how to change you. Really, I am.”

“But he already knows how, Caleb, and I don’t have time…”

“Please.” Caleb pressed. “Trust me. Have a little faith in me. Nothing from that wizard will come without a price, and it will be a high one. I care about you. You are my family. Please don’t...don’t do anything foolish.” He heard Caduceus in his words.

“I--I will try, Caleb.” She let go of his hand and left.

Caleb heaved a sigh as he stood. He had had more than enough of this place. Turning towards the portal, he saw Caduceus waiting for him. Caleb went to his side and gladly accepted Cad’s arm around him.

“You were incredible, Caleb.” Caduceus kissed his head. “Absolutely incredible.”

“I did not do anything. Jester is the one who saved...all of us, at one point or another in here.”

“You fought battles no one else saw. And I think, you won.”

Caleb wasn’t certain, but he hoped Caduceus was right.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was SO LONG, but I really struggled to break up these episodes into more than one chapter because of the content. 
> 
> Chapter 15 will not take as long to write, and will focus on just ep. 84. There's going to be lots of Talks to be had about Things, and I am very excited about it!
> 
> Also, please enjoy high-functioning depression Caduceus.


	15. More than You Know

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> SPOILERS FOR EPISODE 84
> 
> CONTENT WARNING: References to past unhealthy sexual relationships 
> 
> Some NSFW romance at the end of the chapter.  
If you would like to read the chapter but skip that bit, skip from:  
* * * page break after "...Caleb disappeared from view"  
to the last * * * page break to read the last paragraph of the chapter.
> 
> LOTS of dialogue and lore in this chapter. Give me a day off in an episode and I will give you feelings and fluff (and this time, a little bit of feelings-heavy adult romance).  
Hope you enjoy it! Happy reading!

The Chained Oblivion. Tharizdun. Whatever they thought they would learn from Yussa and Allura about the "Angel of Irons," that identity wasn't it. Obann's actions were twisted enough, but knowing that this was the true nature of what he followed was horrifying. This was beyond the power of some ragtag adventurers, but whether Obann knew what he was bringing forth, or whether he had been deceived, he still had Yasha under his control, and they were not about to leave her, even in the face of Tharizdun.

At this point, the party in Yussa’s tower were the only ones who knew the truth behind the Angel of Irons cult. Allura had to speak with the Tald'orei Council and see what could be done. Yussa had his own matters to attend to, and, much to Caleb's discomfort, instructed the Nein that they should connect with his contact in the Cerberus Assembly to help them. They would be able to find him in Zadash.  
  


The only consolation among their discoveries was that Yussa chose to permanently destroy the body of Halas, and tuck his soul gem away in a pocket dimension. Halas wouldn't be adding to their problems.

Caleb saw the disappointment on Nott's face. She wouldn't believe Caleb could help her, no matter what she might say. Caleb recognized her fear: she could be running out of time.

With a clearer picture of their situation, a handsome reward from Yussa for his rescue, and a message to Zeenoth in Zadash about their arrival tomorrow, the group tried to turn their minds to the present. There was at least plenty for them in the city, and they could use a night off.

* * *

Jester was the first to land on her goal for the evening. “Oh my gosh, you guys! You know what we should do? We should get tattoos! Remember? Orly said he could give us tattoos that would like, make us good at stuff--”

“Oh, fuck yes! And we should get a group tattoo, like the Mighty Nein, like a symbol--” Beau chimed in.

Fjord cleared his throat uncomfortably. “Maybe let’s not, that is, that’s a permanent piece of work, I don’t know if--”

“Chicken.” Nott sneered at him. “You don’t have to get one. We can just get a girls’ one. No boys allowed!” She stuck her tongue out, and Caleb and Caduceus, neither noticing the other, shared an expression of absolute relief.

They almost missed _ The Ball Eater. _ She was headed out of port when Fjord hailed her from the dock, but Orly was more than happy to turn the ship around when he recognized Captain Tusktooth on the shore. He was glad to see them, and much to their surprise had a cut of the ship’s earnings for them. 

Jester wasted no time in getting Orly to agree to give them tattoos, and before anyone could so much as blink, she was off to get gem dust and back to get to work. Beau and Nott were committed, and struck up animated discussions of what they wanted done. Fjord turned away from them before Orly got started, already feeling his stomach turn. He’d seen enough deck-side tattoos in his time sailing to know he didn’t want to be there.

Caleb caught Fjord’s deep discomfort. “You know, Caduceus has never had fish and chips before--well, I guess just chips. You wouldn’t really be in for the fish part. Fjord, boys night out? Do you know of any good places? There must be something fresh in a port like this.”

Fjord perked up immediately at the idea of getting off the ship and away from the tattoo party. “Absolutely. There’s a place on the beach, right on the water. Follow me.”

Cad and Caleb fell in behind him, Caleb sneaking his hand into Caduceus’.

* * *

The sun was just beginning to set, tinging the ocean with vibrant hues of orange and pink. Fjord, Caduceus and Caleb took their dinner and threw themselves onto the most comfortable patch of sand they could find, with an unobstructed view of the waves. For a while, they just basked each other’s company. 

Caduceus discovered that chips were yet another way of frying a potato, which was always a treat, but he found them to be bland, but the vinegar was nice. He thoroughly doused his chips for good measure.

Fjord breathed deeply, and though he was anxious around the ocean, knowing he abandoned his patron, he couldn’t deny the comfort of the sea, and the at-home feeling it gave him.

Caleb relished the rich, fresh-caught fried fish, and the sound of the waves. When the colors of the sky dazzled his eyes, he closed them. This felt good. It felt right, like it was supposed to be. And the idea that he had a concept for something feeling right, intended, jostled him out of his momentary peace.

“Caduceus, can I ask you a question? Actually, I would like to hear what both of you think.”

“Of course.” Cad set aside the remains of his starchy dinner. “You can ask us anything Caleb.”

Caleb dug his fingers into the sand, dragging them through in a soothingly rhythmic motion.

“I--I am not a man of faith…”

Caleb confessed to his friends the growing feeling he had that there was something, like destiny, like guidance, drawing them all together. He struggled. He had always felt so insignificant, so tiny in the cosmic scheme of things. The idea of any god taking an interest, any design in his life was so foreign, and now he was a part of this--this group, and they were, what? Going to face off against one of the betrayer gods? Caleb’s mind was reeling. 

“Caleb,” Caduceus pressed his fingers into the sand, into the spaces between Caleb’s. “I knew you had a destiny the moment I met you.”

Caleb stared blankly at their tangled hands, feeling the grit between them. He remembered again what Caduceus had said to him when he gave Cad the periapt. His voice was hushed. “I don’t feel that.”

“Well,” Cad squeezed his fingers a little tighter. “It’s a matter of perspective I suppose.”

Fjord nodded. “I don’t think you’ve ever really seen yourself the way your friends see you, Caleb. You...you are much more than you give yourself credit for. We wouldn’t be here without you. Even, even against something so...so unthinkable as the Chained Oblivion, we’re in this, together.”

Caleb nodded, thinking.

The rest of the meal, Caduceus and Fjord joined Caleb in the open discussion he had started. They talked about what this little family had come to mean to them, what changes Fjord had experienced in his short time following the Wildmother: from seeing faith as a contract to understanding it as a calling.

Caleb found a level of comfort in Fjord’s shared uncertainties, and even in Caduceus’ strange confidence. There was a closeness, an understanding, but no one pushed Caleb to assent to anything, and Caleb’s questions remained open. 

Caleb warmed when he told them that he couldn’t help but feel the need to find Yasha, to get her back, and they felt the same. Home wasn’t home with one of their family missing. They loved this family. They needed each other. Even as Caleb went over his fears, the dangers for him in contacting this Oremid Hass, the member of the Cerberus Assembly that Yussa recommended, Fjord and Cad assured him, they knew and they understood.

Caduceus put his arm around Caleb’s shoulders. “We’ll protect you in Zadash, Caleb. We’ll protect you.”

The conversation was startlingly interrupted by an extremely familiar yowl. Nott’s tattoo was apparently not going as smoothly as she assumed.

“I hate tattoos.” Caleb muttered with a smirk. “Not for me.”

“They’re frowned upon in my family.” Cad returned. 

Fjord stood with a stretch and looked towards the Wildmother’s lighthouse further up the shoreline. “You know, I have not seen that shrine since she...took me in. I feel like I owe her a visit. Care to join?”

Before Caleb could answer, Caduceus declined. “Not this time. You go ahead.”

Caleb gave Caduceus a look of surprise. “You are sure? I mean, she is--looking after you always, ja? Should you not, wouldn’t she want you to visit?”

“She’s with me, wherever I am. Right now I think here is the right place for me.”

Fjord gave them both a knowing look. “Fair enough. Will you still be here when I get back?”

“Oh, absolutely. We won’t leave without you. Enjoy it.” Caduceus waved as Fjord took off.

* * *

The beach had nearly emptied. A few stalls remained open, and a few vagrants selling sea shells, but for the most part, Caleb and Caduceus had their privacy, and for a little while, Caleb just leaned into Caduceus as he ran his hand over Caleb’s arm, squeezing his shoulders.

“I’m proud of you Caleb. Really, I am. Back there in the...fun ball. You put others before yourself, over and over. And you fought through...your own battles.” Caduceus was unsure how much he wanted to bring up, but he needed Caleb to know he saw the progress.

Caleb scoffed. “I made a stone man to hide behind. That is all. There was nothing brave about it."

"That's not true, Caleb. You know it. You used Willi to defend us. To keep us safe. To save spells for other people. You stopped, when we were in the armory, the other night, when I asked...and when Nott--" Cad cut himself off. He saw the pain on Caleb's face. At first he thought it was because of Caleb’s rough night in the armory. Then he recognized it. Losing Nott, even for a moment, was a bigger grief than Caleb could bear.  
"You were strong, Caleb. I just wanted you to know. You are good. So good." Cad kissed the top of his head.

Caleb felt the sensation from far away. “Are you sure? I am not. I am not sure at all. Back there, what Halas was, what he became...Caduceus, you do not know what I could be. I do not have his power, not yet, but those things we fought in there, that could be me. I could make things like that. Hurt people, like that.” Caleb went quiet and stared out at the ocean.

Cad paused to let Caleb think. When he didn’t speak in his own defense, Caduceus did. “I don’t believe that, Caleb. Not one bit. I know you, and that is not who I see.” Caduceus gently took Caleb’s face in his hand, and turned it to his own. “Look at me? Please?” 

Caleb's eyes met Cad's.

“You are not evil. You are not Halas. You are not...Trent.” Cad licked his lips. “I don’t know your destiny, but I know _ you _. I know the direction you are headed, and it isn’t towards that.”

Caleb’s eyes darted away, even as he felt himself lean closer to Caduceus. “Caduceus. I…” he sighed. “I still owe you an answer about ah, Essek. About what you didn’t like seeing in me.”

Caduceus looked confused. He let go of Caleb. “You’re right. You weren’t behaving like yourself. We were still going to talk about that, but now? We don’t have to right now, unless you want to. _ Do _ you want to?” He wasn’t sure what brought it to Caleb’s mind.

“Ja. I do. You do not feel...like I would do things, things that this group would not like, things that are evil.”

Caduceus started to protest, but Caleb pushed on.

“I need...I need you to understand. I know, you understand some. You know what I did to my parents, and you, you think because I was not...not aware of what Trent had done to me, that it was not evil. I do not, that is, I want to believe that, but that is not how I feel. And there are things that I have done that you...would not like. That Trent did not make me do. Not every time.”

Caleb could not get his words to assemble correctly. He began dragging his fingers through the sand again. Caduceus watched him, and moved to give him a little more space. 

“It’s alright, Caleb. Go on” he encouraged with a whisper.

“I cannot trust that I am not an evil person. I have been...many things, to many kinds of people. And I have done _ many _things. Some for the Empire, or for information, some to survive. I did some awful things for Trent, yes, but I have done those things on my own, for what I needed, too.”

Caduceus cleared his throat. “Caleb, I know that you’ve done things you aren’t proud of. I know that sometimes even as a group we lie, and your notion of other people’s property is...wobbly. Not as wobbly as Nott’s, but wobbly. And everyone, **everyone** has done things they know are wrong, evil things even. It doesn’t make _ you _evil. There’s more to you than the mistakes you’ve made.”

“No, Cad.” Caleb squeezed his eyes shut, and tried to make Caduceus understand. “You remember when...when Fjord felt like we needed to get more out of Avantika? When he went to bed with her, but it wasn’t because he wanted to? I know...I know you did not like that. You did not like that he did that.” He kept his eyes shut. His fingers burrowed deeper into the sand “But I...I have done that. I have needed to--Trent taught us that everything was a tool for the Empire. _ Everything _. Friends, family, pain, pleasure, lies, truth, love, sex...all of it. A tool. What was ours became his--no exceptions...no choices. And when I...when I got out of the asylum, I was on my own. I used what he taught me. It was how I got this.” He clutched at the amulet beneath his shirt. “And how I lived before I met Nott. I have used...every skill Trent built me for, all of them. I have killed, I have lied, I have manipulated, I-I-I have done so many things...and I cannot say I would not do them again. I put on an act for Essek because I thought he was interested in me, and I could work that to our advantage, to get us to Yasha faster. I would do...whatever I have to, to keep our...family safe. Or to fix...fix the things I have done.”

Caleb stopped talking, biting down hard on the inside of his cheek, waiting for Caduceus to admit this was more than he wanted.

“Caleb…” Cad reached towards him, but paused. Caleb’s whole body was bound with tension, and he wouldn’t open his eyes. Caduceus was afraid his touch could shock him.

“You can...ask. I know you have...questions.” Caleb said with a cringe. “But now you know. You shouldn’t...trust me, Caduceus. I am not a good person. I am...a means. To an end. Probably not a good one.”

“_ Caleb _.” Caduceus’ heart lurched. “Caleb do you...do you think I wouldn’t want to be with you because of your past? Because of the lengths you would go to for someone you care about?”

Caleb’s eyes opened, and he released his tension enough to look at Caduceus. “Of course I do, Caduceus. Why would you want to be with something like me? You hate lies. You hate manipulation. You hate--”

“Caleb.” Caduceus’ voice rang clear and firm. “Please don’t...don't tell me what I hate. It's true that I don’t like those things. But those things aren’t _ you _ . I hate that Trent took...so much away from you, turned your life into a weapon. I hate that you had to make choices no one should have to make. But those things are not you. You are not lies. You are not manipulation. You are not misuse. Who did you tell the Dynasty you were, hmm? And whose idea was it to tell the Bright Queen about the Laughing Hand? What are you doing now, if not trying to end a war, and stop--what feels like impossible destruction? The longer I am with you, the more I see you championing what is good, what is honest. The more I see you fighting to save lives.  
Caleb, I don’t see an evil man bent on his own gain in your story. I see a very hurt man, who used the tools of a very hurt boy to get free. And now I see that man healing.” 

Cad placed his hand gently between Caleb’s shoulder blades. He couldn’t help himself; he would have preferred to hold the man, and maybe never let go again, but he could tell Caleb was too strung up for that. “A man who would do anything for the people he loves, at great cost to himself. If anything, I would ask you to stop hurting yourself for us. Trust us enough to let us help. Let someone take care of you for a while. You don’t have to use Trent’s tools. We have better ones. You don’t _ belong _ to anyone. You can live your life, for you. You are not a means to an end. You are a person.  
Destiny placed you here, with us, but you are your own, Caleb.”

Caleb slowly lowered his shoulders. He looked at the water, eyes distant and unfocused. 

Caduceus brought his knees up to his chest and hugged them, resting his cheek on one knee as he studied Caleb, then followed his gaze out to sea. They sat in silence.

"I do have...some questions. If that's okay."

Caleb almost felt relieved. Maybe Cad finally understood. It would hurt like hell, and would probably mean Caleb had to part ways with the Mighty Nein, but Caduceus wouldn’t get hurt. It would be his choice to end it, and that would be okay. Caduceus had said his kind words, and now he could admit he couldn’t be with someone like Caleb and that it would be better if they weren’t romantically involved, and that would be that.

“Ja, that is okay. Please. Ask.”

“Caleb, when I kissed you, the--the first time, was that, wrong?”

Caleb blinked, blindsided by the question. “Ah? No, no Caduceus, why would that be wrong?”

“Did you want...did you want to kiss me? Or did you feel...like you had to?”

Caduceus’ heart hammered against his rib cage. If Caleb only knew love for its usefulness, maybe what they had...maybe Caleb just felt like he didn’t have a choice. Like he had to go along with Caduceus so he would have a place in the Mighty Nein. The prospect terrified Caduceus.

“Nein. Nein. No, I...I wanted that, Cad. I very much wanted that.”

“Had you ever--before me, because...because you wanted to--uh….”

Caleb bridged the gap for Caduceus. Caleb could tell the articulation was hard for him, and the question Caduceus asked gave him hope.

“Have I ever been with someone because ** _I_ ** wanted to? Yes. Twice, before you. We were...young. It had to be a secret.” He thought of Astrid, that first, terrified, adrenaline-fueled time, and the many times after it, of the nights she cried into his arms, and he into hers. He thought of nights in his dormitory with Wulf, held tight enough that everything else would disappear, an island of peace in a sea of confusion. Those first loves were long gone. Caleb snuck a glance at his partner, the man he loved, knowing much better now what love meant, and loss. Maybe, just maybe…

“Good.” Caduceus nodded. “So you...you know the difference?”

“I know the difference between have to and want to, ja.” That difference had given him much comfort in another life. “It has been a very long time since I had to. And...a longer time since there was someone I wanted to...be with.” 

Cad scooted over a little closer to Caleb. “But you...you want me?”

Caleb nodded. He bit his lip. 

“Will you...let us help? Before trying to use what Trent gave you?”

A single tear fell down Caleb’s cheek. He nodded again. 

“Good. You said...you said I didn’t have to be a secret. You said so the last time we were on this beach. I think, knowing the secrets you’ve had to keep, the things you had to do before, that’s even more important. You don’t have to be a secret either.”

They sat together for another minute without speaking as Caleb let the words sink in. 

He had been, even without meaning to, treating their relationship as a secret. He didn’t let his heart have it, because it would break, because he didn’t deserve it. But he didn’t want to be a secret, or a tool. He wanted what Caduceus was offering. He wanted to be a person, to be allowed to love, to be loved. Caduceus couldn’t give him the permission to have that, but he was pointing the way.

Caduceus broke the silence. “Can I hold you now?” He ached for the contact. What could he say to what Caleb had told him? He was woefully unprepared for the verbal side of this, but he knew if he could just…

Caleb nodded and his hand reached blindly for Caduceus. It took Cad the space of a second to pull Caleb against his side. He hugged Caleb as tight as he could, and to his astonishment, Caleb turned, and wrapped his arms around Cad. 

Cad buried his face in Caleb’s hair, breathing in his scent. “Caleb, you don’t ever have to tell me more about your past. Ever. But if you want to, if you choose to say more, know that it won’t...it won’t change this.” His hands ran over Caleb’s spine. “It won’t change how I feel about you.”

Caleb looked up, finally meeting Cad’s eyes. He had no words. Caduceus had run him out of arguments, He caressed Cad’s cheek, and pulled him down into a kiss. He wound his hand into Cad’s hair and didn’t let go. He lost himself in Caduceus: the feeling of his hands on his body, his lips against his tongue, the smell of his skin, the slide of silk beneath his fingertips.

“Ahem. Should I, uh, come back later?”

Caduceus and Caleb tumbled apart, Caleb practically glowing red. 

“Fjord! You’re back.” Caduceus grinned up at him, still holding Caleb with one arm.

Fjord stared down at them, two parcels in hand. “Fish and chips. For the girls. I trust you two had a good time?”

Caleb stood, adjusting his coat, and pulled Caduceus to his feet. “We had much to...talk about.”

* * *

Back aboard the _ Ball Eater, _ the Chaos Crew was living up to their name, complete with matching tattoos in addition to their more extensive individual pieces. The effect was shocking, to say the least, particularly when a swollen and bruised Nott groped her way towards Caleb, sporting a glittering new face tattoo.

“Ish it prerhhdie?” 

“Beautiful.” Caleb assured her, looking sidelong at Fjord, whose expression was something between abject horror and hysteria. “Here, schatz. We brought snacks.”

It was agreed that rather than find other lodging, they would spend the night in their old quarters on the ship. Orly insisted Fjord take the Captain’s Quarters while he was on board. Still, they spent a good hour on the deck, Fjord razzing Beau, irritating her injuries whenever possible, balanced with trying to keep his jaw off the floor when the moonlight hit the dazzling white ink on Jester’s shoulders.

“You have to admit,” Caduceus whispered to Caleb, “it is stunning on her. And she is _ built _.”

“No joke.” Caleb agreed, smiling at the interplay between his friends. He leaned against the ship’s rail, and turned his head up to the stars.

“Something else on your mind?” Caduceus asked.

“Just enjoying this. The stars. Them.” He gestured to the rest of the Nein. “We may not get another night like this, not for a long time. We have very big monsters to fight, ja? And a sister to save. A world to save. Just taking it in I guess.”

“Making time slow down.” Caduceus nodded, understanding.

“Caleb, would you--”

“Caduceus, I was thinking--” 

They spoke simultaneously, and Cad laughed. “You first.”

Caleb cleared his throat. “I was, ah, thinking, that is, would you like to stay with me tonight? We would have the room to ourselves. The _ chaos crew _ is bunking together.”

Caduceus swished his ears “I would like that. A lot. Would _ you _like me to stay with you?”

“Yes.”

The answer came out eagerly, instantaneous.

Caduceus took Caleb’s hand and pulled gently. Caleb nodded, and led them towards their cabin below deck.

“You two callin’ it a night already?” Fjord yelled. Caleb felt his ears heat up and dropped his head down shyly.

“Don’t forget a sock!” Beau seconded. Fjord tapped the back of her neck for good measure as Caleb disappeared from view.

* * *

“Do we _ need _ a sock?” Caduceus asked Caleb as they reached the door. Cad’s eyes were wide, his arms clutching his rucksack. Caleb couldn’t stop himself from laughing at Cad’s innocent, bold, ridiculous honesty. 

“I do not think so, friend. We don’t have a roommate. This should be plenty for our privacy” he confirmed, ushering them both in and beginning his silver-thread ritual. 

Caduceus appreciated the calm that Caleb’s rituals created. It gave him time and space for some of his own. He stripped the two beds in the little room, rummaged out both his bedroll and Caleb’s, and built a more comfortable sleeping space for them. Beds were always too short for Caduceus, but on the ship, there was also no room to share. Satisfied with his work, he lit a candle, and some incense for good measure. He stripped to his trousers and sat down in the center of his nest for a brief meditation.

Caleb finished with the wire and allowed himself to relax. No one to disturb them now. Caduceus was safe. He was safe. He turned to look at his partner. His heart pounded. The long lines of Caduceus’ torso, his serene expression, his elegant fingers...Caleb bit down on his lip. He was getting ahead of himself. He tried to focus on putting his books away and getting undressed, but it was difficult to shake the nerves, or his distraction.

“Are you coming to bed?” Caduceus rumbled.

“Ja. I was just waiting. I did not want to interrupt.” Caleb was standing in his underclothes, suddenly shy. 

Cad smiled softly. “That’s very kind of you to wait, I’m done now. Come here?” Caduceus held his hand towards Caleb, and Caleb melted into it, climbing into Cad’s lap, situating himself comfortably on Cad’s crossed legs.

“Is this alright?” Caleb whispered.

“It’s wonderful, Caleb.” Cad bumped their noses together. He kissed Caleb softly, hesitantly. Caleb followed, pushing a little further, one hand falling to Caduceus’ ribs, running his fingers over bones and fur, soft flesh in places, knobby ridges down his spine. The other hand busied itself in Cad’s hair, straying occasionally to the sensitive ears Caleb had so carefully been studying over the past few months.

Caduceus was breathing heavily. Gaining courage and excitement, he bit down with blunted teeth on Caleb’s bottom lip and Caleb let out a soft moan as Cad’s long fingers played at his waist.

The moan lit something deep in Cad’s chest. “Caleb…” He whispered the name like a prayer. In that moment, the only thing he wanted was to see Caleb happy, satisfied, loved. He stroked his hands over Caleb’s torso, over the legs that were wrapping around his body again, like before, but this time it was all desire, all joy. Caleb wasn’t pulling Caduceus out of a grave, but into something very new, very alive, and very good. 

Cad’s thumb brushed over a nipple, and Caleb gave a strangled cry. “Sorry--” Cad stopped all motion, and pulled back from Caleb. “Did I hurt you?”

“Nein. Nein, not at all.” Caleb gasped, huffing out a little laugh. “It was just a surprise. I like that. Just wasn’t expecting--” 

Cad swiped over the pebbling flesh again, letting his deft fingers explore a little, rolling it before leaning Caleb back to place a kiss there. The groan it earned him was heaven. Caduceus licked at it, and Caleb’s hips rolled forward, his arousal pressing against Cad’s. Caduceus gasped as a foreign heat dropped itself into his core, like molten lava. Caleb held his shoulders and rolled his hips again, more intentional, more focused this time, watching Caduceus’ face as his eyes closed and he laughed. He laughed at the tickling sensation and the feeling of Caleb being so free, so affectionate with him. He laughed, utterly bewildered with all the new and strange sensations.

Caleb eased back, catching Caduceus’ cheek in his hand. “Doing alright?”

“Very good, Caleb. Doing very good. Are you sure this is...okay? This is want to, not have to?”

Caleb gave Caduceus a smile that seemed to bubble out of his soul. “Want to. But only if you do. If something doesn’t feel right, if you want to stop, you will tell me, ja?”

Caduceus nodded. He couldn’t imagine wanting to stop.

Caleb reached out and extinguished the candle behind them. Moonlight streamed in from the porthole. 

“Wow.” Caduceus whispered. “Caleb...wow. You’re beautiful.” Cad pulled him closer and kissed his forehead, his eyelids, his nose, his cheeks, finally landing on his lips, each kiss slow and reverent. 

“You should see yourself.” Caleb whispered in reply, combing his fingers through Cad’s silver highlighted hair. He pushed himself up, nosing at Caduceus’ ear. “You are stunning, you are kind, you are good, and you have me.” he whispered. He licked delicately around the edge of Cad’s ear, one hand steadying Caduceus’ shoulder while the other toyed with the drawstring of his pants. Caduceus was trembling. Caleb couldn’t remember the last time he felt like this. He was fairly certain he had never felt like this. He was drunk on the taste of Caduceus’ skin, his scent, the newly discovered moans he could pull from him and the heat that seemed to radiate off of him, in some way that was more than physical.

“I need--Caleb, I need...” Cad’s eyes searched Caleb’s face. He was not sure what he needed. He had read Jester’s books, and he knew there were words for this, but they were not coming to his brain. Nothing was coming to his brain but more Caleb.

“I’ve got you Caduceus.” Caleb kissed him again, licking into his mouth, promising he had his lover well taken care of.

He worked his way out of his undergarments, then teasing Caduceus’ trousers down. Cad was awkward, his knees knocking Caleb’s chest a few times, but at the sight of Caleb bared before him, Caduceus stilled. His hand brushed over Caleb’s erection, pure curiosity and admiration. Caleb rested his forehead on Cad’s shoulder, panting. He allowed Caduceus to explore him until the sensation, and the sight of the effect it was having on Cad’s body grew too much for him.

“Oil..” Caleb stammered. “A-a-almond oil.” Caleb was reaching for his coat, not sure if he still had some, unwilling to move from Cad’s lap. Caduceus was quicker. He kept some on hand for massaging sore muscles. It hadn’t occurred to him that there were other uses. His arms were longer and the bag was in reach. Caleb took the corked bottle from him and dribbled a little into his palm, warming it in his hands before gently bringing their cocks together, stroking slowly, letting the oil coat them. 

A moan broke from Caduceus’ lips, followed by a deep rumbling in his chest. Caleb took Cad’s hand to show him, letting Caduceus set the pace. His hands were so warm, his fingers long enough to comfortably reach around them both. Caleb sighed into Caduceus, kissing him, praising him.

Caduceus had never felt anything like this. It had been so long since Caleb had been with anyone, and rarely if ever had it felt like this. It was a physical expression of what had gone unspoken. 

“_ Ich liebe dich _” Caleb whispered. He didn’t translate or explain. He just allowed it to be, and allowed himself to be here, with Caduceus, in love. 

Caduceus tangled their free hands together.

“Caleb, I’m--”

Caleb nodded, trembling. “_ Bitte _, Caduceus. Please.”

They came together, Caduceus gasping Caleb’s name, Caleb shuddering and whispering sweet truths in his mother tongue.

For hours or days or seconds, they sat there, holding each other, sharing each other’s breath. Caleb tucked himself into Cad’s shoulder. 

At some point, Caduceus got uncomfortable with the sticky feeling between them, digging out a clean rag from his pack, and wiped them off. He pulled Caleb under the blankets with him, still glowing.  
“Caleb, that was...I…” He laughed again, at a loss for words.

“Ja.” Caleb found himself laughing with him. “It was.”

* * *

Wrapped in each other’s embrace, the two slowly began to drift into sleep, Caleb holding onto Caduceus as Cad played with his hair. 

Caleb’s breathing slowly turned to the heaviness of sleep. Reassured, Caduceus whispered “I love you, Caleb Widogast.”

Not moving or giving away his cover, Caleb held his steady breathing, and smiled.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> !!!
> 
> I didn't expect to do all of this in this chapter, but it just made SENSE. So, here you go. Love confessions (both veiled), first times, more Caleb backstory...wow. I'm not sure what happened here.
> 
> I wasn't committed to including a steamy romance scene, but it felt right. Every once in a while, you just need to go with your gut. Also, I will take any opportunity to promote the idea that safe and loving sex is the best sex.


	16. Unexptected

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> SPOILERS FOR EP 84-85 (First half of 85 only)
> 
> Some feelings are talked through, some are not, and we are dangerously close to making our way to Rexxentrum!
> 
> Oh, and have some Blumentrio while we're at it, for flavor. :)
> 
> Everything this chapter is as SFW as your typical CR content.

Sunlight. Sea breeze. Distant cries of merchants and gulls. Waves.    
  
Caduceus had been hearing them for the better part of an hour, but he wasn’t really listening. He was transfixed by the way light played across Caleb's face, highlighting the angled jaw, the shadowed dip in his cheek, less gaunt than it had once been. Caleb was still fast asleep,  _ smiling _ . His hair tangled around on his pillow, shadows of his eyelashes delicately drawn below his sockets, one arm shoved under his pillow, the other resting on his bare chest. The gentle rocking on the ship seemed to calm him, the sounds of the sea singing him his own lullaby. Caduceus thought Caleb would have probably found that line of thinking foolish: the world wasn’t so kind as to write a lullaby for him.

But the bitter parts of Caleb’s mind weren’t here right now. Sleep had banished them. Caduceus could believe what he wanted, specifically, that today the world wanted to be kind to Caleb.

“What are you dreaming about, Sunflower?” Caduceus whispered. Careful not to wake him, Cad stayed still, head propped on one hand, enjoying the feeling of Caleb’s legs tangled with his own, drinking in their quiet morning.

Caleb eventually blinked his eyes open, a starry-eyed Caduceus staring at him, inches away. Caleb laughed a little in surprise.

“ _ Ah, hallo _ .”

“Hey there. Hi.” Caduceus rumbled. His ears swished. He leaned over a little closer. "Did you sleep well?"

Caleb slid his hand from his chest to cradle Caduceus' neck, pulling him down gently " _ Herrlich, Caduceus." _ He whispered, meeting Cad with a gentle kiss. " _ Und dir _ ?"

Caduceus grinned. "I'm afraid I don't speak Zemnian." He touched their noses together, a soft smile held between them. 

"Oh.” Caleb shook his head slightly, gathering his brain functions. “Sorry. I did not realize...I slept, ah, very um, nicely, very well. You?" 

Cad nodded. "Good." He pulled himself against Caleb, scooting down & curling his knees up to wrap around him and rest his head on Caleb's shoulder. Caleb shifted his arms to hold Cad more comfortably.

"I should learn." Caduceus thought aloud.

"Hmmm? Learn what?" 

"Zemnian. You were very talkative last night. It was  **lovely** , but I didn't know what any of it meant. And you say things in the mornings sometimes, when you’re tired...I'd just like to understand you more."

Caleb's anxious hands busied themselves in the softness of Cad's hair. Caduceus could hear his heart start to speed up, matching the nervous movement of his hands.

"I...um..." Caleb's mind raced through his picture-perfect memories of last night. He could, of course, recall everything he said.  _ l need you...I'm yours...I love you.  _ It had been easy enough to let those words--and others--fall out of his mouth, feeling them so deeply, and having the protective barrier of his own language. But when he was drifting off to sleep, Caduceus said he loved Caleb, not knowing he was awake to hear, not knowing what Caleb had said minutes earlier, when both of them were far from thinking of translations.

Maybe that's all it was. Caleb hadn't had sex in so long, Caduceus had  _ never, _ and so much was new, for both of them. Perhaps his words had just gotten away from him. He was caught up in the moment. But even as the thought crossed his mind, he knew it wasn't true. He knew the feeling that took up all the space in his heart when Caduceus said "I love you, Caleb Widogast." He didn't feel afraid...well, no more afraid than was completely reasonable. But he wanted those words--

"Cay? Are you alright?"

Cad's quiet whisper pulled Caleb back. 

"Oh. Ja, ja, I am...very fine, Caduceus." He kissed the crown of Cad's head. "Just thinking. I would... like it. If you wanted to learn my language. I would like to teach you."

"I'm not a fast learner…" Cad admitted. He struggled to read almost anything in Common, and that was a language he knew. He could read Sylvan a little easier, since he encountered the language that way more often. Learning Zemnian...well, maybe if they just spoke it.

"We can take our time." Caleb assured him.

Caleb moved his hands from Cad's hair, to massage his shoulder with one, tracing patterns over his back with the other. Cad rumbled again, that now familiar, happy sound, and nuzzled into Caleb's chest. Caleb closed his eyes. He loved this feeling. Deserve it or not, he loved it.

"Caduceus?"

"Mmm?"

"Do you still feel alright with...last night?" Caleb couldn't help himself. If there was a possibility that he had messed things up, that things were about to go wrong, he had to believe they would.

Caduceus didn’t even bother to turn his head. His big, warm hand held Caleb’s side as he laughed against Caleb’s skin. He kissed his chest. He hugged tighter. “I feel fantastic about last night.” He thought for a moment about why Caleb would even wonder that, and that thought made him pause.

"Are you alright? Is something making  _ you _ uncomfortable? I guess I don’t know what’s normal. I hope this is normal, because I really like this.” He explained. Caduceus was fast becoming the world’s biggest fan of cuddling. He had always liked it platonically, but having someone specifically to share with was a new kind of wonderful.

Caleb resumed his massage of Cad’s arm. “I do not think I can really say what is normal either. Normal for me...in a situation I chose...would mean I am gone or you are gone before morning, or we are both pretending nothing happened. I would not like that.”

“No, I wouldn’t either. That sounds  **terrible.** ” Caduceus hurt for Caleb, for young, vulnerable Bren. 

“Let’s try your way instead, ja? This." He hugged Cad tighter. This was Caleb's first morning with a lover, a night by his choice, a morning without rushing, no secrets to hide. It was strange. With Cad, it was like so many of their other mornings, but with the barrier of clothing missing, and a different sort of connection. It was all warmth and  _ that _ feeling. Love, complicated, terrifying, and wonderful. "I am...more than happy about last night,  _ mein liebling _ ."

"What is that one?" Caduceus asked lazily.

"Ah..it is dear one? It is...it means...I say it because I care for you very deeply. You are a...treasure to me." 

"Oh." Cad smiled broadly. "I like that."

They drifted in and out of sleep together a few more times before they heard Nott’s fingernails on the door. “Cay? Cay are you awake yet? Is Duecy in there with you?”

“Are you NAKED?” Jester taunted gleefully.

“No--yes--we are--he--what do you need?!” Caleb blustered, not sure what he was confirming or denying, scrambling a little as Cad sleepily rolled off of him.

“We're here. We can get dressed if you need us. Is everything alright?” Caduceus called, calm and casual as anything. He headed towards the door without a stitch of clothing on. Caleb blanched, hearing Jester’s delighted “I KNEW it!” from the other side. Caleb found his pants as quickly as possible before Caduceus opened the door or their wake up call decided to invite themselves in.

“Caleb, I’m fucking tired, I’m sore, Fjord’s bitching that it’s time to go...get your pants on and get your asses on deck.” Beau’s presence at least meant someone present had a firm disinterest in walking in on them, but didn't quell Caleb’s anxiety. He tripped over his pant leg, slamming into the floor with a thud. 

“Ow.”

“You okay in there?” Nott shrieked, amid peals of laughter.

“Fine. I am fine.”

“We’ll be there in a minute.” Caduceus assured them, poking his head out. “Let Fjord know we’re on our way. Have breakfast if you haven’t yet.”

“Thank you.” Beau retorted flatly, rolling her eyes as she pushed Jester and Nott (Jester craning to see in through the crack in the door) down the hall to climb up on deck.

Cad closed the door, laughing when he saw Caleb sitting on the floor, his pants around his ankles, absolutely bewildered. It was a contagious laughter. Caleb could only imagine how ridiculous he looked.

Caduceus reached out a hand to help Caleb up.

“Looks like we can’t stay in bed all day."

Caleb stood, buckling his belt. “Apparently no.”

“I wish we could.” Caduceus drew closer and settled his hands on Caleb’s hips. Thumbs pressing just below the waist of his pants, tracing curious lines over his jutting pelvic bones.

Caleb leaned into him. “Me too. But if you start that,” his hips canted forward slightly, “we will get interrupted again...and I would rather not be walked in on.” 

* * *

"Good morning, friends!" Fjord saluted them as they climbed on deck. He was surrounded by the crew and clutching a mug of what could have been coffee or grog. Either way it had him in good spirits. "Not like you to sleep late, Caduceus."

"Oh, I wasn't sleeping. I woke up at my usual time, I'm pretty sure." 

"They were busy boning!" Jester declared with pride, enjoying the chance to fuel gossip and Caleb's soon to be perpetual blush. She and Nott high-fived with a series of giggles and "Woo"s. 

"Not that it is any of your business, and it isn't, but we  _ were _ asleep when you came with your wake up call..." Caleb jibed quietly to Nott.

"I don't know or care,  _ Mr. Caleb _ , I just know that it's time to go. We've been on the water long enough, thank you very much, so make with the chalk drawings, Lebby. Let's go."

She pushed him to a clear space and waited impatiently. The swelling had subsided considerably from her tattoo; Caleb suspected that it had to do with some added help from Jester. It left an honestly lovely jade design masked around Nott's face. He didn't want any himself, but he could see the appeal of the tattoo on his friend. However, it did nothing to improve her mood.

Caleb began his work, though it took a little longer than his standard 10 minutes. He would hear Caduceus' voice and look up to see him talking with the crew or entertaining some of Jester's more innocuous questions. He was struck by the feelings he had for the man. Dumbfounded that Caduceus could possibly love him...but he had heard it, with his own ears.

_ You were his first. That is all. There's a good chance it was just the heat of the moment. He probably didn't mean it.  _

But Caleb had a hard time listening to that particular voice today. 

"Hey! Get your head outta your ass, Widogast! We good to go yet?" Beau startled him back to the task at hand, and in moments, they were ready for the jump to Zadash.

* * *

Jumping from place to place was getting easier, especially as Caleb practiced his spell. They found themselves steady and sound inside the archives of the Cobalt Soul. As usual, this was Beau’s place to lead. Very unusual was the reception they received. Zeenoth was apologizing to Beau for what happened last time. Fjord had no idea how or why anyone would be apologizing to them when they had been the ones jumping from archive to archive, on horseback, alarming guards and breaking things. He wasn’t alone in that assessment. But even more surprising to all of them was Beauregard’s apology to a man she had previously had nothing but disdain for. 

Caleb couldn’t help but feel a little proud of her. This was growth. Caduceus beamed to see anything like humility from any of his friends. It would seem being made an expositor did actually give Beau a sense of pride and duty, even if she was reluctant to show it. 

Along with Beau’s official position upgrade, they were able to meet with Dairon. Beau was visibly relieved to see Dairon well and safe. Dairon had plans for an audience with King Dwendal. She was going to move forward on exposing some of the corruption that may have led to this war, that certainly connected to Tharizdun. After learning only a day ago of the true nature and scope of this Angel of Irons cult, it was comforting to see they had allies ready to stop what was coming, before it became unstoppable.

Beau listened to Dairon’s intentions, and agreed with her approach. She found herself strangely pulled in by these plans, as if, despite how much she hated the way in which she was forced into the Cobalt Soul, she could find her place here, on her own terms. She was beginning to feel alright in her own skin, in who she was and how she felt, even here in the archive.

And a place was certainly waiting for her. Apparently the rank came with a room upgrade, specifically, quarters of her own, instead of a bunk in communal lodging. Jester was through the door the moment Zeenoth brought them to what was now Beau’s chamber. The space was bare, fitting for a monk, but Jester was determined to change that, already making plans for where they would all sleep, how they could make the space theirs. Beau smiled. She had very little experience in being  _ wanted,  _ and it was hard to deny with Jester as a friend that she was very much wanted. 

Caleb hung back by the wall and watched Beau desperately trying to explain that it was not really intended to be a group living space--while also struggling to deny that it would be great to have them all together. He watched Fjord talking with Zeenoth, Nott finding a good hiding spot to tuck herself into, Caduceus, gilded by the late morning sun, standing at the window and thinking about what plants would best enjoy this room.

“We don’t have to all stay here, but you’ll want some green friends, I’m sure. I could find some good ones for you.” He offered to Beau.

Caleb realized that none of them had any thought of splitting up anymore.He wasn’t sure when that had happened, but he couldn’t deny that even he was passively thinking of where he might be able to tuck a small bookshelf, a corner big enough for him and Cad to read in. Whether no one thought that far ahead, or no one expected to live long enough to see it, or they truly just believed this is how things were, the Mighty Nein seemed to have become a permanent fixture in each person’s life.

It brought to mind another inseparable troupe he had once been a part of. He remembered Blumenthal, the first week of Trent’s “specialized training,” right after they had been officially removed from the academy proper. It hadn’t taken long for some of the worrisome behaviors to start, but Bren, Wulf and Astrid would have given anything for their homeland. They trusted Master Ikithon. Nevertheless, they clung to each other. They had been children together, and then students, friends and then more. Separation was difficult.

_ “You’re sure we’re not going to get in trouble? I mean for me being out of bed past hours. I can handle it. But I don’t want him to get mad. Bren, always gets sulky after someone disciplines him.” Astrid was wearing Wulf’s shirt as a nightgown, balling the hem in her fist. She had been miserable sleeping in her own room after her first years in the students’ dorms at the academy, but that was weakness. Her defense mechanism meant she’d seize on someone else’s weakness. Bren didn’t mind. If anything it told him how much she needed their company. “I mean, I would be fine in my own room...We got used to the dorms, I know. It’s easier to sleep with other people around, but...I can sleep just fine on my own. I just worry about the both of you. Wouldn’t want you to feel abandoned without me.” _

_ Bren smiled at her, tucking the blankets over his and Wulf’s beds, pushed together to make something more accomodating. He winked at Wulf, who snuck behind Astrid and hugged her around her shoulders, kissing her cheek. _

_ “I’ll say it was my idea, lovely. I’ll tell him it’s habit to watch over you two. He likes me. It'll be fine. Besides, Master Ikithon says loyalty is of ‘Utmost Importance’” Wulf joked, doing a passable impression of their mentor. “We can just say we were applying his lesson outside of the classroom. Brothers and sister in arms. I always shared a bed with my siblings when I was smaller.” Wulf made it sound believable. Bren couldn’t help but laugh. _

_ “Hardly the same, I think, Wulf. But it’ll do.” Bren slid into the middle of the bed. Wulf was too big, he’d push the frames apart, and he wanted Astrid to be comfortable. He was happy to sleep on the crack, and selfishly he liked being between the both of them. They were so strong. It made him feel safe, okay being the bookish one. _

_ “Come on. I’m tired, and we have an early morning.” _

_ Wulf tucked himself behind Bren, sliding one arm under his head, the other hand extending over him to Astrid, who took her place very quickly for someone who was here only to support her friends. Head tucked into Bren’s shoulder, clasping Wulf’s hand, she signed, relaxing more than she had all week. Bren extinguished his floating lights. _

_ “Better?” Wulf chuckled. _

_ “Shut it, you.” She growled, with absolutely no bite behind it. _

_ In the silence, Bren pondered. “Astrid, Wulf?”  _

_ “Hmm?” _

_ “What is it, Little Mouse?” Wulf lifted his head. _

_ “We’ll be here for each other, no matter what, right?” _

_ Wulf hugged him tighter. “Of course. Where you go, we go.”  _

_ “Together ‘til the end.” Astrid kissed his nose. “Now sleep. I’ll wake you both up before I go back to my room so you can give me a proper goodbye in the morning.” _

That morning had not been a good one. That was the start of Master Ikithon’s teaching:  _ you do not belong to each other...You belong to the Empire...You belong to me.  _ A hard lesson they would be taught many times over, but never really learn. “Til the end” had meant until Bren broke. He didn’t remember almost anything about the asylum, except that awful alone feeling, the emptiness of grief and loss. He mourned his parents, he mourned his partners. He had lost everything that night, and the years that followed. He couldn’t deny it made him nervous. It could happen again. They could all leave him. He would deserve it. 

It was then he felt Nott’s hand sneak into his. “Hey, Caleb. You doing alright? We’re ready to go. To see Oremid Hass, remember?”

Caleb squeezed her hand and nodded, but his heart was in his throat. Here was the girl--the woman--who had watched his back for the last several years, who had slept next to him and kept him safe almost every night until very recently. Even still, she was there as often as Caduceus, if not more. She had seen him half starved and nearly insane, and she hadn’t left him. There was hope. It didn’t have to be like last time. He could have friends, maybe even love, and he might not end up alone. Maybe not this time.

“If you can’t do it, Caleb, that’s alright. You don’t have to go.” She assured him.

Caleb looked up and noticed all of his friends looking at him. Zeenoth had gone. He wasn’t sure how long his mind had been back in Blumenthal, but he saw that look on Cad’s face. Caduceus knew Caleb had gone elsewhere.

“I--I do not think it would be good for me.”

“Well, we told you, Caleb, we will keep you safe. How can we help?” Fjord asked, looking for a practical solution.

“I think I will stay here. You go, and I will do some research on Tharizdun. We know the name, and some of the legend, but very little that would be helpful in defeating it, or stopping its awakening.”

Caduceus stepped towards him “Should I stay with you? I can help you research.” That almost made Caleb smile. Cad would not get far through the books Caleb planned on reading, but his sincerity struck at Caleb’s heart.

“ _ Nein, freund _ . They will need your perspective. You keep us well focused on the most important things. I will be here when you get back.” He looked at the rest of the group. “Take Frumpkin with you. I can check in through him, and Yussa said Oremid Hass likes animals. No one can say no to this cuteness,” he argued, bamfing his cat into Beau’s unexpecting arms.

Beau nodded. “Oh, geez! Okay. That’ll work.”

“Are you sure, Caleb? Do you want company?” Jester checked.

Caleb shook his head. “No, I will be alright. Meet me here when you are done.”

He saw them off, turning to head back inside, when Caduceus stopped, letting the others get a little bit ahead. He wrapped his arms around Caleb’s shoulders. “Caleb.” He whispered in Caleb’s ear from behind. “Are you sure you’re alright? You want to be alone?”

Caleb’s head sunk back to Cad’s chest. It was familiar, and alarmingly similar to the scene his mind had been playing moments before. “I am sure, Caduceus. Really, I am.”

“And...if you’re not alright?” Caduceus couldn’t help but think of the other times Caleb had gone elsewhere. He hugged a little tighter. Caleb could hear his concern.

“If I am not alright, I will have Frumpkin jump on your shoulder, ja? I have been doing better in here.” He tapped his temple. “I will be able to do at least that before things get bad.” He rested his hands over Cad’s arms,   
“Caleb I--” Caduceus started, but thought better of it. Maybe this wasn’t the time. “I care about you a lot. We’ll be back soon. Be kind to yourself while we’re gone. Don’t overdo it.”

Caleb nodded. “I care about you too. Be safe. Don’t--don’t trust him.” He turned to face Caduceus, and stood on his tiptoes to quickly kiss his cheek (which he still couldn’t reach without Cad’s help) before hurrying back into the safety of the library.

Alone among the books he sighed. Books at least couldn’t do that to his feelings. Books were safe that way.

* * *

Caduceus strode to catch up with his friends. They were easy enough to spot and his long legs made quick work of the distance. He thought over his goodbye to Caleb as he walked. He had known for a while that he loved Caleb. Saying you love someone was easy. But then, the people he said it to were family. Of course he loved them. But with Caleb, once he said it, even though Caleb hadn’t been awake to hear it, it was like it came alive, and there was risk. At least, for Caleb there was risk. He was so afraid of hurting someone, or of getting hurt. Caduceus found for the first time that he was nervous about saying it wrong. What if Caleb wasn’t ready to hear that? He wanted to tell Caleb the truth, always. But what if the truth could hurt someone? He started to wonder if he was the reason Caleb had gone away just now, and where his mind had gone to. This was all much more complex than he had imagined it would be. But he was willing to learn. More than willing. He missed his mother. His mother would be able to explain. But then, maybe she wouldn’t. Maybe this wasn’t something the other Clays had experienced. He thought of Yasha. Yasha would understand. She had been married once. She knew about love, and conflict. He wished they could be planting flower beds together in the Xhorhaus again.

“...I want to see him, Fjord. I know he’s my dad. He has to be.”

“Alright, Jessie. Alright. We’ll get you there. If it’s that important to you, we’ll make sure we get there.”

Caduceus arrived in time to catch the tail end of their conversation. Apparently he wasn’t the only one with family on his mind.

* * *

Caduceus’ presence did prove helpful. Ever since the Laughing Hand was brought forth, he had felt the urgency of their mission. He had no intention of hiding anything from Oremid Hass if it would help save the world from The Chained Oblivion. It worked, although Frumpkin and Sprinkle had to be given credit. Yussa had been right to suggest they soften Master Hass with cuddly creatures. They were the final straw to securing his help, not only with investigating the traitor in the Cerberus Assembling, but in lending his own seal to their credibility.

Caleb’s research brought them more specific information about the enemy they hoped not to fight. There were six shackles holding it. It was unclear how many had been broken yet. Possibly none. All the more reason to hurry, and put an end to the cult that would release it. 

The need to be prepared meant everyone was up for a trip to visit Pumat Sol. The added bonus of getting to introduce Caduceus to their favorite merchant had them hurrying along delightly. 

The war effort had taken its toll on his stock as well. He hadn’t been able to produce much outside of his commissions from the Empire, but he was still very glad to see him. Caleb was perusing shelves when he heard a sound that chilled his blood. Caduceus cried out in pain. Caleb spun in time to see him slump against the counter, a shadowy figure, a drow woman with red hair disappearing into the floor. Jourrael: The Inevitable End. Obann had found them.

“Cad---” Caleb yelled. His hand shot out, but Caduceus waved him off. “Stay back!” 

The spectre reappeared, this time going for Beau. An attempt at avoiding attacks from below had all of them climbing on tables, chairs and shelves. She was too fast. She was there and gone, and her blows were powerful. 

Caleb used his invisibility to hide from view, hoping to catch their attacker off guard, as she had done to them, but there wasn’t an opening. Nott, Nott who should have been fine, Nott who was hidden well on a bookshelf, was taken down in a single strike. Caleb felt sick. Caduceus, bleeding still from his gruesome wound, made his way to her. He stabilized her, and brought her to consciousness. Caleb was relieved, seeing the two people he cared for most in the world relatively safe, one looking after the other. He almost missed the next attack. Fortunate for him, Fjord Banished her, buying them a minute to prepare. 

_ The Wildmother must be watching out for you. _ Caleb thought it out of nowhere, and was a little concerned by the thought, but then again, his dinner with Fjord and Caduceus last night, let alone falling for one of the Wildmother’s clerics, certainly had an impact on his thinking.

They barely managed to survive her next attack, and even Pumat struggled to do any damage to her. Finally she disappeared beneath the floor, and did not return. No one felt relieved. There was no reason she wouldn’t be back. There was no knowing how she found them, or where they could go that she wouldn’t appear.

The best they could do was let Pumat in on what they were doing, and who had just destroyed his shop. Caduceus perked up immediately at the offer of tea while they talked. Gingerly, he lowered himself onto a stool. The blood was beginning to dry on his back. Caleb stood behind him, and started unbuckling the straps of his armor. “Jester, would you--”

“No.” Caduceus interrupted. “Save it. Heal Beau. She’s in worse shape.”

Beau glared at him, but he was right. Jester immediately went to her.

“At least let me get a look at it.” Caleb chided. Cad shrugged off his armor. Caleb dug around in Caduceus’ bag for clean rags. He wet one with his canteen and cleaned the wounds. He was on edge. He pressed close to Caduceus, without touching his wounds, not leaving any space for someone incorporeal to come up through the floorboards between them. 

Pumat was willing to scry on Obann in the morning, and see if they could dispel the magic that controlled Yasha. Everyone was reservedly hopeful to get Yasha back. If they could do it without a standoff, all the better. Caduceus was particularly interested in that possibility. He had been reminded today how much he missed his friend.

* * *

Jester’s drive to see The Gentleman, and the need for a more secretive locale to sleep in for the night had them headed to the Evening Nip. Although Pumat Sol felt he could stay safely in his home, he wouldn’t be able to offer them the same protection. But as they walked, Jester began getting anxious. She was skittish. 

“Jess, what’s wrong?” 

“Beau--you guys...I maybe exaggerated a little, or a lot, about The Gentleman. He wasn’t...excited to hear from me. Actually I don’t even know if he likes me. I don’t know if he even...wants to be my dad. What if this is all really stupid?”

“It’s not stupid, Jester. Besides, going to The Gentleman is one of the safest places we can go right now. It was a good idea, no matter what happens with your...dad.” Fjord assured her.

“There’s nothing stupid about wanting to be with your family.” Nott agreed. 

Caleb and Caduceus exchanged glances. Caleb didn’t think Jester needed the kind of parent who wasn’t there for her, and honestly wasn’t sure she even had the right person, but he could understand the emptiness she was trying to fill. Caduceus did as well. Part of why he was on this quest was to find his family. He couldn’t begrudge Jester of the same need.

Getting an audience with The Gentleman was no trouble. His denial as Jester yet again declared him to be her dad was expected by the others. It still hurt to watch Jester’s hurt rejection play so plainly across her features. Caduceus wasn’t so sure though. He saw something in the man’s expression that told a different story than The Gentleman’s words. He knew it was none of his business, but Jester deserved the truth. If it would put her mind at ease to know, then Cad would find a way to get a straight answer out of him.

For now, they explained their situation. It was disturbing to say the least when they were able to confirm through The Gentleman’s information that they had been attacked by the Inevitable End. Unwittingly, his business had a hand in reuniting her body with her skull. He was willing to give them lodging all the same, despite the dangerous possibiilty of another attack, but he avoided eye contact with Jester when he agreed. It was hard to hold that aloof face when, as they were headed back to the bar, Jester tempestuously threw on a Disguise Self to look like her mother. Again, her supposed father claimed no recognition, but this time, Caduceus was sure he was lying.

Cad leaned to Caleb “I think I’m going to hang back and have a chat with our host.” 

“You are sure that is a good idea?” 

“I’m sure. But I think our friend Jester could use some encouragement, if you have any.”

Caleb nodded. “I was thinking the same.”

Caduceus found plenty to lead with in his conversation. He would like to have someone look in on his home. He didn’t see any reason why The Gentleman’s people would be any worse choice than someone else. It gave him an opening to talk about one thing he knew plenty about, family.

Cad hadn’t talked with any of his friends about the troubled relationships he sometimes had with his siblings. But in seeing a man hide from his daughter, he recognized the shame. He hated how he had treated his siblings, how they treated each other when he was young. Children could be cruel, and they were no exception. There were times he even wondered if his childhood behaviors were what had gotten him left behind. In any case, Caduceus knew better than most the damage silence could do to a relationship, especially where pain was involved and unresolved.

“You don’t have to do anything, or say anything. But just, think on it. I think it would do you both some good. She’s a good girl, and she’s looking for closure. That’s a gift you can give.”

Meanwhile, Caleb was staring pointedly into his ale, pressing a shoulder reassuringly against Jester, who was trying admirably to hide the tear attempting to sneak out of her eye. 

“Jester, you are a whole person, with or without this question answered. Do you know that?”

She nodded. “I...I know. My Mama is the best mama ever. I don’t need a dad. It’s just...I just wonder...do you think it was me? Do you think he left because I was born?”

Caleb shook his head. “Not a chance. No. I think he just needs time. But I do not think you are the reason he left. No one could meet you and want to run away.”

She sniffled. “Thanks Caleb.”

Several seats away and out of earshot, Beau and Nott were having a heart to heart of their own. They agreed to drink-induced secret swapping--an attempt to build on Beau’s newfound honesty. It brought out the fact that there had briefly been a time, years ago, where Nott had feelings for Caleb. It was easy enough when your lives depended on one another so often. The romantic feelings hadn’t stayed. She had never gotten over Yeza, but the commitment she had to Caleb was unwavering. He was family in a way no one else could be.    
Her confession gave Beau an opportunity to tell someone the little crush she had been nursing. Jester was a sweetheart, but Beau was convinced this was not a good move, for either of them. She cared about Jester too much to mess up their friendship because of a crush. Beau tried to avoid romance in her sex life. She couldn’t do that to Jester.

“It doesn’t seem to have messed things up for Caleb and Caduceus. You could give it a try.”

“They’re different. And besides, you don’t know that it hasn’t messed things up. Give it time. You know that stuff makes friendships weird.”   
“I’ll see what I can do.” Nott answered cryptically. Her propensity towards mischief made Beau’s blood run cold.

* * *

One by one, a wave of tiredness hit each of the Nein. The adrenaline from their fight, the anxiety around talking to Oremid Hass, all of it began to take its toll. Of course, there was no way any of them would sleep without a watch tonight. Jester rather eagerly offered to take first watch. 

“You want me to stay up with you Jess?” Beau offered.

Fjord hoped to help too. “I would also be happy to sit up and take watch, if you need.” 

“No, that’s okay you guys. I think I’d rather just stay awake by myself.” Jester’s shine was fading a little, but it was unfortunately very clear she wouldn’t be falling asleep anytime soon.

Caleb cast his Tiny Hutt of protection around them. “I don’t know how safe we will be from attacks below, but this should help for anything else.” He explained. While the others got ready for bed, Caleb began prepping his space with Caduceus. Cad was struggling to undress, the wound at his back was making it difficult to remove his shirt. Fjord approached him. “Here, let me help at least.” He placed a hand on Cad’s shoulder and cast a healing cantrip. “It’s not much, but it should be a little better now. Sleep well, friends.”

Caduceus smiled, he could feel the flesh closing up. It still ached, but it had dulled. He was better able to move. Caleb helped him pull his shirt off the rest of the way and inspected the twin blade marks. “Thank you, Fjord.” 

Fjord nodded, already tucked into his bedroll.

“Do you have any ointment for this? Something to fight off any infection, perhaps?” Caleb asked, helping Caduceus lower himself to the floor. 

Cad nodded, and retrieved a jar from his bag. 

“Lie down. I’ll take care of it.” Caleb directed. He sat cross-legged, and placed Cad’s head in his lap, carefully working the herbaceous mixture over the wounds. For a while after, they both stayed there. Caleb gently traced over the uninjured parts of Caduceus’ back, circling over an ear, a shoulder, his hands occasionally dipping around Cad’s neck. His hands were studying what he could have lost today. He was reminded that there were no days promised to any of them. He shouldn’t waste time dancing around his feelings. But that knowledge wasn’t enough to fully overcome his fear.

_ “Ich liebe dich.”  _ He whispered reverently. Cad’s ear twitched and he lifted his head slightly. “I care for you so much, Caduceus.” Caleb added, before Caduceus asked for a translation.

“Care for you too, Sunflower.” Cad mumbled, drowsy, heavy. The nickname caught Caleb by surprise, but he felt it melt into his core. He treasured it.

  
Caleb shifted to lay beside Caduceus, supporting his head on his chest but careful to keep Cad safely on his stomach so his wounds could breathe and heal. Caleb was asleep much sooner than he expected. 

* * *

In the small hours of the morning, Caduceus stirred, hearing footsteps in the doorway. Jester was following a figure. Listening closely, Cad heard The Gentleman’s voice, and smiled. She would get the answers she needed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you're enjoying the story! Comments and kudos always appreciated. Also, holy COW! Over 3K hits! You guys are delightful.
> 
> I'm thinking I might roll out an opportunity to request a one off, but I'm not sure yet. Keep your eyes peeled and give me some feedback if you'd be interested.


	17. Homecoming

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> SPOILERS FOR EP 85-88 (only the very beginning of 88)  
The Mighty Nein finally arrive in Rexxentrum, reunite with Yasha, and Caleb comes face to face with the nightmares of his past.

The day had not been kind, and it was barely morning. Caleb would have loved to believe that Jester and Nott's well meaning letter would come to nothing. That perhaps it would be miscarried, or she would ignore it as a hoax. But he knew better. A hoax would pique Astrid's interest. She would be suspicious. She would follow up. The news of a letter from the academy waiting at the Pillow Trove was disconcerting at best. After retrieving the letter, they took it to Pumat's. It seemed, despite yesterday's events, the safest place to attempt opening it.

Caleb's fears were confirmed. Astrid had written back, inviting these "will executors" to her home. In Blumenthal. On Trent's estate.

Astrid wanted to play the game.

Caleb felt an icy chill over his body as he read her words. Her familiar handwriting a calling card from another life. Nott didn't look at him. She was only trying to help. Back then all she knew was that Caleb was alone. He missed Astrid. She didn't know…

Jester blushed, hanging her head and toying with the hem of her cloak. She had spent all of her life alone, wishing for a friend. She hated that trying to give that to Caleb had backfired so horribly.

Caleb felt everyone watching him, waiting for a reaction, a response, a crack in his armor. Anytime his past came up, he felt like a liability, a volatile concoction waiting to explode. He was a disaster you couldn't look away from, and he was desperate to get the attention off of himself,, and get Nott and Jester to stop giving him those looks. He glanced at Caduceus, who wore only patience in his expression. Caleb was relieved it wasn't pity.

"I believe we have bigger matters to attend to than my ex-girlfriend. What's done is done, ja? Leave that to me to take care of, when it is time. For now, Pumat, we did not come back here just to read my mail. Do you think you could help us check on a friend?"

* * *

There was never any hope that Yasha wouldn't be in Rexxentrum. No hope that they wouldn't be going there, fighting to stop all the madness Obann and this cult were trying to bring about. No hope that Caleb's past and his present wouldn't come crashing all together in one place.

Never any real hope, anyway.

But there were glimmers. Ever since the Folding Halls, none of the Nein felt capable of stopping this. But then Pumat Sol agreed to go with them to Rexxentrum. A member of the Cerberus Assembly wanted to fight alongside them and stop the ritual to release one of the bonds holding the Chained Oblivion, despite the likelihood that the assembly was involved in this cult. Despite everything. It was promising for Caleb, in addition to the shared delight everyone felt at actually going with Pumat Sol for their task.

So it was with a measured amount of--well, at least not utter despair--that Caleb followed his friends to the Cobalt Soul in Zadash, to get what information and help they could from Zeenoth, which was certainly not nothing. At least someone else would know what was happening, what they were trying to stop, and they would have help from the members of the Soul in Rexxentrum.

Taking the teleportation circle in the archive, they arrived in Rexxentrum, immediately greeted by guards on edge, and claims of a Kryn attack. This could be no coincidence. Though they saw no evidence of an attack as they were led through the archive (finally welcomed by one of Beau’s contacts), the suspicions of everyone around them had to be a result of the Angel of Irons cult, a distraction from wherever Obann and his crew were heading for their ritual. Jester scried on Yasha to see for herself, and there she was, in the middle of her captors--Jester had to believe Yasha was still acting against her will--walking serenely through the streets as citizens scattered to their homes.

The Mighty Nein left the safety of the archive to see what was really going on. As they stepped onto the cobblestones, Caleb was nearly knocked back by memories flooding his senses, choking his mouth, rooting him to the spot.

“I don’t think I can do this.” He struggled out in a whisper.

Beauregard put her hand on his shoulder, a steady weight. “Hey. You got this. You can do this. We need you. We need you to do this.” He tried to give her a reassuring smile, feeble as it was. She let go and walked ahead of him, hoping to encourage him forward.

Caduceus brought up the rear, and when everyone had passed by, he saw Caleb continuing in his fixed state. He leaned down, face beside Caleb’s but careful not to touch him. He was afraid of any shock he might give Caleb. He couldn’t imagine what this place was doing to him.

“You’re not alone, Caleb. We’re with you. You aren’t that person anymore. You’re Caleb Widogast. The person you chose to be. You are the master of your fate.”

Caleb’s hand batted backwards until he found Cad’s body. He let himself fall back against it, and took Caduceus’ open hand. He didn’t say anything, but he nodded. Caduceus gave his hand a firm squeeze. One arm wrapped around his chest, providing a firm compression. Caleb tried to ground himself to that feeling. He knew he shouldn’t let Caduceus be his grounding. He knew better than to trust another person like that, but Cad’s presence worked, and he chose to hold onto Caleb until Caleb was ready to move. Finally Caleb, still clutching Caduceus’ hand, led them cautiously further into the street, into the chaos of people hurrying to their homes, rain pouring down on them, scouts filling the sky. 

Caleb shifted his form into that of a giant eagle, and took Nott, shooting into the sky for a better view, a chance to look for a source to the confusion. At least in this form, he could be useful, and distance himself from the suffocating feelings on the ground.

Their presence was not something the griffin rider scouts were particularly happy about, but they managed.

* * *

With no luck for Caleb and Nott, it took another scry from Jester, this time on Vence, to discern where their targets were going. Caleb recognized the place, even as the street boomed with the sound of an explosion, and an unearthly light fell on their destination:

The Chantry of the Dawn.

“Come on,” Caduceus said, again taking Caleb’s hand, to keep him from being left behind. “Let’s put an end to this.”

They rushed towards the east end of the city. Only then did they find any sign of Kryn soldiers: 3 riding a great purple worm attacked a group of crownsguard. Caleb’s head spun as they played their precarious position on both sides of the war. One moment they were here to help the city, the next, operatives of the Dynasty, carrying out a mission from the Bright Queen. Technically both were true, but here in this place, Caleb struggled to understand his loyalties. To understand anything.

* * *

They wasted no time in creating an entrance to the Cathedral. After Jester found a way to peek in, she painted them a door, small enough to crawl through. Again, Caduceus stuck towards the back, Caleb crawling through last. Caduceus took his hand the moment he was on his feet. He felt a strong connection between here and now, and their days under the mountain, the place where this had all started for them, the place they lost Yasha.

“Stick close to me.” Caduceus mouthed the words. Caleb nodded. He squeezed Cad’s hand, and found it grounding, the grip slowly becoming familiar. Caduceus was real. Caleb was real. Bren was the memory. Caleb was here now, with the Mighty Nein. They were going to get Yasha back. They were going to stop the Chained Oblivion.

Before them, hooded figures were gathered in worship, praising the Angel of Irons. Nothing like the prayers of the faithful to help provide some good, distractible targets. Caleb presented his ideas in hushed tones while the group chose their next steps.   
“I will come right back. I promise,” he whispered to Caduceus.

The rest got into place while Caleb snuck back outside.

They waited. Nott snuck forward--but she was caught before Caleb could create his distraction. Jester tried to send her duplicate to aid, but they had lost the advantage to sneak past.

Then, in a hail of brilliant, showering glass, a giant cat’s paw broke through the central window of the cathedral. Caleb rode on the center of it. He winked at his friends before hurling a fireball into the circle of cultists.

The chantry erupted into action. The hooded figures focused their attention fully on the giant cat’s paw. Anyone who saw Caleb’s face could have recognized the war mage in his element, buying safety and advantage for his friends. No, it was never what he had wanted. It was not the books and halls he dreamed of, the lessons he could teach, the doors he could open to young and curious minds. But there was skill in this too, grace in this, and the sight of his friends gaining the upper hand held him to the present, rather than flinging him into the past.

When a flood of small demons rushed the room, Cad lost his footing a little. They were doing well, but this was overwhelming. Their even balance was now fully outnumbered. It was then that Nott managed to destroy the only leader seen so far in the cathedral: Cardinal Respa. She was the one Jester had seen with Vence, leading them to this place. But the moment she fell, their true targets broke through: Obann, Jourrael, and Yasha. As soon as Caduceus laid eyes on her, he tried to dispel the magic controlling her. He wasn’t able to reach her. He could feel her slipping back through his fingers again, but he wouldn’t stop trying. 

Now what began as an easy fight spun out of control. The attempts of the Mighty Nein wavered, losing their advantage. Beau was able to resist Obann’s compelling call, but Nott was less lucky. Her prize for managing to land a solid hit on the fiend was to lose her own will. He sent her running below--to whatever it was they had been preparing in the basement of this place--out of reach of her friends. Caleb screamed after her, but she could not turn. He felt a sickening rage fly through him, but no amount of fighting could turn her around.

Inside her mind, Yasha was screaming. She was fighting her dearest friends. She was back on Glory Run Road, listening to Mollymauk’s dying gasps. She was outside of herself, watching as her sword mirrored the actions of the slaver who murdered her best friend, now over Beau, a woman she had so many things to say to, who she cared so deeply about. A hit. Beau crumpled to the floor, gasping for air through the force of her gaping wound. A second hit. Beau’s gasps stopped, her eyes falling shut. Tears seared down Yasha’s cheeks, but her force wasn’t strong enough to break the control on her being. The threat from the monk seemingly extinguished, Obann turned Yasha on Fjord, already gravely injured. She felt him pull life force from her to stabilize himself, and the pain and exhaustion that slammed through her body was a relief. She couldn’t let him win--gods if she only could--but any success he could get on her was the closest thing to a gift she could give. 

Caduceus saw his chance as her back was turned towards him and she loomed over Fjord. He went as close as he dared, hoping not to draw her attention, and extended his hand. “Mother please, set her free.” The pale green light sprang from his hand, bolting into the erratic orange sparks at the base of Yasha’s neck. She threw her head back in an otherworldly cry, as thunder tore through the sky outside, shattering the remaining windows in the cathedral. Yasha felt the lighting in her blood, her head clearing for the first time in--she couldn’t tell how long. But she was her own again, and she pulled Fjord to his feet, breathing heavily, hungry for a fight she wanted to be a part of. She turned to Caduceus, who was smiling and shaking all at once. 

“Thank you” She managed finally, and turned her attention on her captors.

It had only been seconds since Beauregard fell, and Caleb felt time slow. He saw the Laughing Hand moving towards her. Not that one. Not her. In an instant, Caleb felt every moment with Beau rush on him. Her understanding about his past, about school, about having your will taken from you by someone else. Beau who was the best kind of asshole, who stuck by him and cared about him without making it complicated. Beau made sense. Beau was his family. He was not going to lose her.

“Get the  **fuck ** away from my  **friends.” ** He growled, unleashing Widogast’s Web of Fire on the Laughing Hand, the 5 tails of flame wrapping around the monstrosity, smoke curling up in the air as the ropes of fire scorched their way into his flesh, choking and burning until nothing but a husk remained. Caleb watched in dark delight, before turning to see Beau, healed by Jester and Cad back to consciousness. He met Cad’s eyes. Caduceus nodded at him, and Caleb nodded back.  _ We protect this family. We protect each other. _

Yasha lost from his control, Obann fled down the stairs after Nott. Caleb turned to chase after him, not looking to see who would follow. He couldn’t lose Nott. He could not and would not. “Caleb--” Caduceus called his name, but Caleb didn’t turn. Cad knew why. He looked towards Pumat, the slew of demons still coming at them, the remaining cultists. The Laughing Hand was gone, but no one had seen Jourrael return yet. She could be anywhere. 

Pumat, having enhanced his size for the fight, looked down at Caduceus, and the rest. “Go. I think I’ve got these folks good and covered.”

* * *

The Nein barricaded themselves in the stairwell, behind the door of the chantry. Caleb fortified their block, changing the wooden beam to steel, and turned to descend the steps when Caduceus put his hand on his shoulder. 

“Caleb.” He whispered. “You can’t get her back alone. You need us, and we need to rest.” He took Caleb’s cheek in his hand. “ **You** need to rest. We can’t lose you, and you’re no help to Nott dead.”

Caleb didn’t pull away, but his eyes pleaded with Caduceus.  _ Let me go. I can’t lose her. I can’t lose her  _ ** _here_ ** _ . _

Cad didn’t let go of Caleb, though he felt the tension building beneath his gentle grasp. His hand fell to Caleb’s shoulder and he began a prayer of healing. Caleb stilled, feeling the all too familiar sensation of wounds and hurts closing, an injury in reverse, unsettling, but comforting when it ended. Caduceus’ arm around him made the squirming feeling of wound closure a little less jarring, and he felt himself pressing in, as if the pressure could lessen the crawling sensation.

Yasha finally found her voice as the ritual concluded. “I...I’m sorry. I don’t know how I can ask any of you to trust me again. I don’t even...I don’t even know if I can trust myself.” She looked at Beauregard, the wounds she had inflicted on her now gone, but Yasha still felt the pain of causing them.

Caleb nodded at Yasha. He understood exactly what she meant. Jester piped up. “We trust you. You don’t have to ask. I know...that wasn’t you Yasha.”

Caduceus cleared his throat. “Maybe in time, you can learn from us, to trust yourself.”

“We have...all lost ourselves at one time or another. You do not--have to explain it.” Caleb assured her. Especially in this place, he felt all too closely the fear of losing yourself, of not knowing which way is up or down. Of not being able to trust any of your actions to be what you think they are.

Finally, after what was only a matter of minutes, but felt like hours to Caleb, Caduceus got to his feet, he reached to pull Caleb up but Caleb had sprung up at the first sign of movement.

“Let’s get Nott back.”

* * *

In the damp rooms below, Yasha took the lead, doing what she could to illuminate what Obann was trying to do. Apparently four people were needed to release the tethers. This was only one of them, and Obann had chosen those he believed were unkillable, or at least easily brought back. There were so many questions about who Yasha was, what this meant about her, but she had no answers to give. The bodies of Dawnfather priests lay dead in their sleep in one of the rooms: poisoned before the cultists began their ritual. Through a secret entrance, and into another chamber with three pillars, they found their friend, still bound by Obann’s will, beginning the ritual to release the shackle.

Caleb drew a sigil in the air to dispel the hold on Nott before he had seen any further into the room, before anything else registered. All he could think of was freeing Nott. Keeping her from being taken from him, used as Yasha was. Used as he had been. Caduceus put his hand on Caleb’s shoulder, placing a blessing on him. Caleb thought he heard Cad whisper “Come on, Sunflower.” but he couldn’t be sure. He was too focused on Nott. It worked, and he breathed a sigh of relief, glancing up and mouthing a thanks to Caduceus, who smiled down at him and gave his shoulder a squeeze before letting go. Caleb messaged Nott, telling her to cough if Obann and Jourrael were there with her. 

They were. 

Caleb nodded and closed his eyes, planning. Trying to envision the battle. Trying to stay rational. He remembered Beau’s words: “You got this.” They stepped in the room together, immediately hit with a barrage of attacks from their foes. 

Yasha locked on to Jourrael, trying to push her to take hold of her own freedom. She felt for the imprisoned mind that had been held next to her own for so long, but the plea fell on deaf ears and the fighting raged on, a violent dance between the two of them and Beauregard.

Obann continued to grab for control, first of Fjord, but Caduceus was quick to free him, then on Jester, who managed to evade on her own. Caleb nearly cheered for her escape. To have seen Jester’s light quenched by that monster would have been nightmarish. Instead she grabbed his ankle, casting inflict wounds, just as Caleb felt a blade sink into his belly, the Caedogeist obscuring his view of everything else. He sunk to his knees as the others focused their attacks on Obann. 

Finally Yasha was within reach of Obann, and grabbed ahold of one wing, ripping it brutally from his back. She pulled him in closer and grabbed the other, tearing it from his body as well, and with a primal scream, drover her sword home into his chest.

It was over. They had won. But if they won, why was the room darkening? The ground shook, and a voice spoke, horrid and black, changing Obann’s blood to a dark ooze, a writing mass.

“You have failed, and so will be punished.” The voice rasped in heavy tones as Obann’s body morphed into a tangled clump of black gore, wretched tentacles writhing out from it, attacking anything within reach.

The Nein were tired, worn down, and this new foe seemed to be an embodiment of the pain and destruction the Chained Oblivion was able to exercise from within its prison. Though Jourrael was freed from Obann’s control, she disappeared, unlikely it seemed to exact her revenge.    
  
Caleb had tried to stay back, but the fear of losing anyone in this place, letting Rexxentrum take anyone else from him, drove him to greater recklessness. The punished monstrosity took him down with little more than a single strike. Nott and Caduceus both saw Caleb, weakened already from the gash in his gut, collapse. He struggled on the ground, and then he stopped. He was completely still. 

Yasha, seeing Caleb, screamed again, and raged towards Obann the Punished.

Nott followed suit, shouting at Cad: “Caduceus, protect my Caleb!”

Cad was already on his knees, having dashed to Caleb’s side the moment he saw him hit. He hauled Caleb’s torso into his lap, his unresponsive body limp and difficult to move.

“Caleb, Sunflower, please. No. Don’t do this to me. Don’t go.” Caleb wasn’t breathing. Caduceus pressed a hand to his chest, whispering the incantation, pressing the foreheads together. Caleb gasped in a breath, gulping for air as his vision cleared and focused on Cad’s face. 

“Hey there. You’re okay. I’ve got you. I’ve got you, Cay.”

“Caduceus. I--”

Just as Caleb’s hand extended up to Caduceus, his body was ripped from Cad by a writhing tentacle, and swallowed by the beast.

Beau shot between Caduceus and the creature, her staff flying before her. “Spit! Out! The! Wizard!” 

Caduceus struggled to his feet, shaken, terrified, and angry. He wasn’t ready to lose his love. Not today.

The body began to convulse, then sag, and then ichor and gore went flying as Obann the Punished vomited Caleb out, Caleb having taken the form of a giant ape, distorting the insides of the monster enough to cause it to spit him up. Caduceus was delighted to see Caleb safe, but his distraction cost him. Before Caleb could turn to whale on the beast, it grabbed Caduceus and swallowed him down. Caleb roared and went flying towards the thing, and he and the others sprang in to attack. 

They had very little strength left, and very little fight. 

Beau fell unconscious, and she was losing blood fast. Jester fell. Caleb felt helpless. He was out of potions. All he could do was fight, and hope Caduceus was alive, and well enough to help them. He needed Caduceus. He needed him to save Beau, to save Jester. He needed Caduceus to come home with him. He needed--he couldn’t let those thoughts through. He let his beast form take control, numbing his mind to pure anger and force, to rip this new Obann to shreds.

It was then that, from nowhere, Jourrael rose to repay Obann for her resurrection. She drove her twin blades into the center of the beast, slashing across, and tearing him into a steaming pile of filth, his form falling into nothing but stinking ooze, finally dissipating. Caduceus was free--and before he could see anything, a Healing Word was on his lips. With no care for himself, he was focused fully on helping his friends, on keeping them safe. Caleb grinned.

Caduceus turned to his rescuer. “Thank you--we couldn’t have done this without you, truly.” He opened his arms to her in a welcoming hug, but she pulled away. “Can I offer you some healing? Something? You...you saved my life.” 

She simply smiled, and pushing her finger to her lips, vanished into the wall and out of sight.

Caleb meanwhile, picked up Beau in one arm. She smiled at his ridiculous ape-grin. He hugged her, something he felt much safer doing in this form. Less vulnerable. He placed Nott on his head, and glanced over at the man he loved, the man who was currently tending to everyone’s wounds. His family had come out of this alive. He hugged Beau tighter, and patted Nott’s back as she perched on his scalp.

“Oh gods.” Fjord exclaimed, taking stock of their situation now that the danger had passed. “Pumat!”

The Mighty Nein rushed back up to the sanctuary when their messages failed. With no answer from Pumat, they feared to find out what had happened to their friend.

* * *

The cathedral was packed with Crownsguard, many living, many dead. Caleb dropped his ape form outside the doors, as the Nein were immediately apprehended by guards, though they managed to convince Arbiter Kathodoc of the Cobalt Soul to let them find Pumat. Led to the place he had been taken to rest,Nott knelt by him and immediately gave up her last health potion. It was no small act, especially from her. But he was alright--badly wounded, but he would survive. Assured of his safety, the Mighty Nein found themselves in the middle of an investigation into the battle at the Chantry of the Dawn.

Caleb felt terror seize him as they were informed that they had to be kept for questioning. It didn’t matter what role they played, what terrors they had prevented, the Empire had him. He would not be let go. He tried to appear calm. His palms were clammy. His mouth ran dry. He closed his eyes, turning from their watchful “guard,” captors more like. He whispered to himself, trying to maintain composure.

“It’ll be over soon.

Over soon.

Soon.”

They were taken from the cathedral to stand before the Arbiter, and present their story to the Assembly, even to the king. 

Out onto the streets of the city, they found evidence of another battle, more dead soldiers, both Kryn and Dwendalian. It seemed to be over, but not without casualties. The guards took them to the Shimmer Ward, and Caleb felt Bren pushing against his veins. It was a stomach-turning sort of nostalgia. Being here excited him, and terrified him. He felt like he was home, and like he was in prison, and he felt certain that he would never leave this place again.

They were pushed onward, into the king’s castle, finally taken to a little room, to wait to be heard. Fjord and Beau led the others in discussing what they had come here for, what happened, what they needed the king and the Assembly to know. Caleb tried to concentrate, tried to be present with them. He heard Yasha describe what she could of her situation, remembering what it felt like to be in her body, aware of what was happening, and unable to stop herself. He curled in on himself as she described the return of her memories, of the years she lost after leaving her tribe. Obann had been the cause of that time as well, it seemed. This time she had her memory throughout, but no means of control. Caleb’s head swam through the confusion of his own past memories.

Pictures of his parents, betraying the empire. Selling secrets in the dark.

His mother, baking on a cold winter morning, smiling down at her bright boy.

Bren’s first encounter with a woman. Another with a man. 

Trent’s guiding hand:  _ Use your charm, Bren. We need to know what she knows. You’re so clever Bren. I’m sure you’ll figure out some way to make her sing...We need evidence against him. Make sure you’re seen leaving together... You won’t have to do anything you don’t want unless it comes to that...Just make it believable. Remember, the greater good Bren. All for the greater good. _

He saw his father, a dutiful soldier, a compassionate parent, a loving husband, taking his little boy on his knee and teaching him marching songs.

He saw his father, stabbing his commanding officer. Hiding the body. Trent’s heartbroken face, telling Bren the news. Holding him close. Promising him that they could be his family. That his real family had betrayed him. But he would have to prove himself for his new family. Prove he hadn’t been led astray by his birth parents.

Then Fire. 

Only Fire.

“Caleb. Are you with us?” 

Caduceus had moved beside him, his hand pressing between Caleb’s shoulder blades, as he had done during other panic attacks. Had Caleb been panicking? He wasn’t sure. He hadn’t really been...here. All of his friends were looking at him. There was a guard standing at the door.

“Ja. Ja I am fine.” He finally managed.

“We’re going now.” Nott prompted.

Caleb allowed himself to be led out, Caduceus holding one hand, Nott on the other side, taking his other. He was in a dream, following where he was led. When they reached the throne room, Caleb’s blood turned to ice in his veins as he laid eyes on Trent Ikithon, sitting at council with the king. 

“Keep breathing, Widogast.” Beau whispered. 

As Allura and members of the council discussed the Kryn attack and its connection with the Angel of Irons cult, debating the truth behind the Mighty Nein’s story, Caduceus was surprised to find himself stepping forward. He felt his partner holding very loosely to reality, and saw how he couldn’t seem to stop looking at Trent. Caduceus found himself poised to attack the monster--the man--where he sat. he was compelled to do  **something** , but he couldn’t do that. Not yet. Words were what he needed right now.

So Cad took the lead in explaining the possibility of mind control in connection with today’s events. So much of what Obann had done was steal control of individuals to bend them to his own purpose--he fixed Trent with a pointed look of disgust as he described the behavior. Knowing the attack stopped when Obann was killed, it was likely these soldiers attacking from the Dynasty were not acting on behalf of their homeland, at least not entirely.

Internally Caduceus felt cornered, frightened, in over his head. He didn’t speak in front of groups, certainly not people like this. Anyone else would have a better grip on what to say to a king, to the Cerberus Assembly, to the people who decided to start or end wars. But his words came out calm and rational. He was protecting Caleb from having to speak, and drawing attention away from him. Maybe Trent wouldn’t recognize him. Maybe they could just go back home to their tree and their books and the war would end. He could keep his Caleb safe. 

So Caduceus pressed on with his explanation, giving Beauregard an opening to talk about her work as an expositor, and where they might go from here, to stop the war.

Caduceus stepped back as Beau made her case, and he found Caleb’s hand again. Caleb’s eyes darted up at him, but his expression remained empty. Cad was grateful when he felt Caleb squeeze his fingers. It was the most independent motion he had made since they were left to wait in the antechamber. It was something. Caduceus returned the gesture, and drew small circles over the back of Caleb’s hand with his thumb. 

Caleb listened to Cad and Beau from deep inside his warring mind. He registered Caduceus’ warm hand encasing his own. He wanted to let him know he was still here, but it was so hard to get to the surface, and Bren was burning against his skin, clawing to be seen. He wanted to kill Trent. He wanted Trent to forgive him. He wanted to go back to his bunk in Trent’s basement and pretend like everything was normal. He wanted to run as far away from everything and everyone as he could. 

Cad’s thumb circled the back of his hand. Caleb tried to grab hold of that sensation, to stay close to it.

Caleb Widogast.

Bren Ermundrud.

Caleb Widogast.

Bren.

Caleb.

Bren.

Caleb.

The more he focused on Cad’s touch, the more he could be Caleb. He could stay in this moment, with these people. He followed the touch back towards the room, towards Beau’s voice and--yes, they were talking about a cease fire. Peace talks. Caleb’s subconscious was pulling in all the details as the rest of his mind battled just to stay in the present. He was dying to leave, but he knew better. If he was found out here--if Bren was found out--he would never be released.

It was agonizing, but by some miracle, they were able to broker at least temporary peace. They were to return to the Bright Queen, and arrange for a neutral place to broker for an end to the war. The Mighty Nein congratulated each other, and Allura even came and offered her congratulations on the skillful handling of what was likely the beginning of the end of the war. They were offered a place to stay in an inn nearby. Caleb started to breathe again as Beau patted his shoulder, and he followed Jester out of the room, Caduceus close behind, when Trent approached them.

“Impressive business isn’t it? You’ve come far from simple sellswords and pit-fighters--especially you, Bren.”

Caleb froze. He felt time stop. He couldn’t breathe. He couldn’t move. Over a decade of nightmares assaulted him in that one instant.

Caduceus pressed himself flush against Caleb’s back in a defensive motion, as Jester drew herself up in front of him. Trent grinned. He’d gotten the desired effect, and he strolled away towards his home for the evening.

* * *

Caleb’s friends stayed close as they were brought to the Camarouth Cottage in the Shimmer Ward. While Beau messed with the teenagers that accompanied them to their rooms, Caleb sought the first spot he could find, a room with a balcony view over the city. They were each given a room to themselves, something they hadn’t had in a very long time, outside of the Xhorhaus, and even then, a couple still shared rooms there. 

The others settled in, somewhat uncomfortably, making plans for room swaps and sleepovers, but Caleb heard none of it. 

He walked mutely to his room and closed the door. He dropped his bags in the corner, and pulled a chair against the window. He should have felt afraid, angry, anxious, something, but he could feel nothing. He was so far away from feeling. From everything.

Trent knew him. 

Trent had never been fooled, not all that time ago in Zadash, not today, in the audience of the King. Caleb was a traitor. He wasn’t Caleb Widogast, he was Bren and he had betrayed the kingdom because he could not allow himself to live with killing innocents. Because he believed the death of his parents mattered. 

Trent let him walk out of that throne room, but only because he was a hunter.

He liked to play with his food.

It was only a matter of time. Whether he was taken now or carried off in the night or Trent chose to play a long game and make more experiments of him, it was over.

Caleb Widogast was over.

He had been caught, and there was no point in fighting it.

Caleb snapped Frumpkin into his arms, and stared down into the streets below, the familiar market he used to sneak into, to bring Wulf a flower, or chocolates for Astrid. He stared off to the shadows of his youth, his broken innocence, the place where he first killed, the place where he was locked away. 

Caleb didn’t know how long he’d sat there, staring into the emptiness and waiting for his fate.

He didn’t jump when he heard the door open. He didn’t even look.

Nott crept up beside him.

“Caleb?”

“Caleb is gone, Nott. Caleb is over. It’s just Bren now, or what’s left of him. Soon enough that will be gone too.”

“That’s not true, Caleb. You’re right here. I see you.”

“For now. When Trent wants me, he will have me. The scourger in Rohsohna was right. He was always going to win.”

“Caleb he hasn’t won. And we’re not going to let him. He can’t have you. You’re one of the Mighty Nein, and we’re not letting go of you.” She glanced over her shoulder towards the door. Caduceus was waiting.

“May I come in?”

Caleb nodded, but his eyes were focused out the window. He felt them sting. Poor Caduceus. What had he done to this man? 

Cad sat down on the floor beside Caleb, his head reaching just to Caleb’s shoulder. “Are you...alright?”

“No, he’s not.” Nott answered for him. “He thinks Trent’s won. He thinks that it’s over for him and we’re going to lose him. But that’s stupid, because no one takes anyone away from us, right Caddy?”

Caduceus smiled a gentle, sad smile. Caleb must have felt so trapped. He had been running alone before. He was only just now learning to trust others. Of course he didn’t realize it: his friends would never let him be taken from them. Caduceus would never let Caleb be taken from him.

“Caleb, are you with us? Or just Bren?”

Caleb shuddered a little. He did feel himself here, but he was battling. Feeling like two people, living his two lives as they collided into each other. But Nott was here, and Caduceus was here. Caleb’s dearest friend, and the man he...the man he…

Loved. 

Caleb closed his eyes, as Bren insisted against him his own definitions of love and loyalty. Somehow, somewhere along the road, Caleb had learned different meanings for those things. He didn’t fully believe what Bren believed about them anymore. Nott and Caduceus and Jester and Beau and Fjord and Yasha and Mollymauk had all taught him loyalty, friendship, and love. He was not the same person. Trent couldn’t change who he had become.

He tried to push into that thought, to reach it from the place he had sunken into. When he reached the surface of his consciousness, he found his head was in his hands, and he was crying. 

Nott stroked his hair. 

Caduceus was holding him with one arm, his hand spanning Caleb’s back. 

“It’s alright. We’re here. We’re here Caleb.”

“I’ve put you all in...terrible danger.”

“No.” Nott argued. “We brought ourselves to your old town to kick ass, take names, and stop a war. Oh, and get Yasha back. Also a great opportunity to, you know, kill any shitty old guys who happen to be causing you any trouble.” She waggled her eyebrows at him.

“There was something about the shape of his skull that would make a lovely flower pot, don’t you think?” Caduceus added.

Caleb forced out a sound that was something of both a laugh and a sob, but he looked at both of his friends with tear stained cheeks. Cad ran a thumb under each eye, catching the tears. 

“A little too shallow for sunflowers maybe. But perfect for roses.” He kissed the back of Caleb’s hand. Nott did her best not to roll her eyes. In truth, she thought it was exactly what Caleb needed. 

“Come on.” Caduceus pulled Caleb to his feet, and much to Caleb’s surprise scooped him up in his arms. He sat on the bed, his back against the headboard, keeping Caleb close against his side. Nott gladly scooted up next to them, making sure Caleb was thoroughly covered on both sides. 

“Nobody’s coming at you without going through me.” She assured him, and she raised the crossbow she still had strapped to her thigh to make the point.

Jester walked past the door, and at seeing the three of them, she called down the hall “party in Caleb’s room!” and launched herself onto the bed, landing comfortably across Caleb and Caduceus’ legs.

In moments, Caleb was absolutely smothered by his friends, and while there was business to attend to, for the time being, their presence was plenty to keep his mind in the present, exactly where he wanted it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took SO long to post. I had to do some rearranging of chapters. I actually have outlines through chapter 22. This one spans the most episodes I have ever covered in one chapter, but it was hard to find a good breaking point.
> 
> The next ones should come together more smoothly and more quickly. This one is pretty light on dialogue as it's setting the scene for more to come. Wow! Some hard times coming home for our boy Caleb. Don't worry, guys. He and Caduceus are going to pull through. I promise.


	18. Who I Am, Who I've Been

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> SPOILERS FOR EP 89-90 (Part1)  
We're in REXXENTRUM! Let the Caleb-trauma commence! Finding out who you used to be, and who you are, how you used to love, and how you are loved...it's good stuff guys, even when it hurts.
> 
> CW: Guys there is A LOT in Caleb's past here, and it's going to be hard for me to cite specific passages to keep you safe. SO, Trent stuff means running into dissociation, gaslighting, manipulation, and all around abuse. Abuse of authority/power is a big part of that. Know you and know what you can handle. Past unhealthy/unsafe sexual relationships are mentioned, but not explicitly. Also mentions of mild self-harm (scratching at old scars).
> 
> I've kept this to the same caliber of trauma as the rest of my writing, so that should give you some parameters. If we're talking about Trent, Wulf, or Astrid and you see some italics, these are flashbacks, and you should handle with care, particularly Trent.
> 
> Be good to yourself, and enjoy!

Huddled around on a decent sized bed, but one certainly not built for 7 people, the Mighty Nein tried to make sense of the last 24 hours. Obann was dead. Yasha was home with them again, her mind her own. The Angel of Irons cult had been dealt with. The Dwendalian empire would meet with the Kryn Dynasty to broker peace. And tomorrow, the Mighty Nein would meet again with empire officials to discuss terms, and their role as negotiators.

Fjord found the bed a little too cramped for planning, possibly having something to do with the heavy distraction of Jester's tail winding itself around his ankle. He pulled up a chair next to the bed as Yasha paced around, finally stretching out on the floor. Beau, Jester, Nott and Caduceus formed a protective bubble around Caleb on the bed.

Normally this much contact would have been suffocating, would have made Caleb's skin crawl. Maybe later it would. Right now, they were a security blanket, a reminder of how far he had come from a forgotten boy in a cell, a desperate man on the run, an orphan of his own making. He looked down at Yasha and almost smiled. Seeing her here was right in a way that so many other things had been wrong in his life. She belonged here with the Mighty Nein, and so did he.

As they discussed what they would need for tomorrow, Caduceus held tight to Caleb's hand, keeping a close eye on his behaviors. Seeing Trent had nearly toppled Caleb, and Caduceus didn't trust this lull to stay long. Caleb held on somewhat tighter than usual, his other hand scratching Frumpkin, trying to manage the twist of anxiety in his gut. Surrounded as he was, supported by his friends, he wanted to tell them how much he appreciated this. He couldn't say it in words, but that was precisely what the cat was for.

Caleb sent Frumpkin dancing around the bed, nuzzling Jester, flicking Beau with his tail, curling around Nott's ankles and making his way up to Caduceus, touching his nose to the firbolg's. Caleb squeezed Cad's hand in time with the act, before sending Frumpkin to curl up on Yasha's stomach. He steered clear of Fjord because of his allergy, and Fjord smiled at Caleb, noticing the cat's function, and the courtesy. 

As the conversation circled, they waited for Caleb to say anything about Trent, about finally meeting him again after all this time, and what that meant. 

Nott tried nudging more directly. "Caleb are you... alright? After...um…" she pulled her knees up, hugging them and trying to figure out the right way to get him to speak. Caduceus nuzzled the top of Caleb's head encouragingly, huffing a breath into his hair.

Caleb looked straight ahead, not ready to make eye contact with anyone, when he answered. 

"You know, I have spent a long time imagining how seeing him again would go, and I did not imagine... that. I have spent years avoiding-- that. And we just walked in. I have imagined choking the life from that man, a lot, and I think we need to work with him."

He felt the shudder down his spine as he said it. The sight of Trent had stopped him cold. Despair crept into his heart and didn't want to let go. But as he sat alone, trying to find his thoughts, and as Nott and Caduceus and then the rest of them came for him, he began to find solid ground. That gave him what he needed to start working on their strategy. Trent had built him for war. Ending Trent wasn't enough. It wasn't the end goal. The real goal would be to end the war, and to take down the political corruption that was poisoning the Empire. In order to do that, they would have to work with the man, at least for now. At least to start.

Caleb had never, in all the days and years since that awful night when he destroyed his family, since the many days and nights leading up to it, imagined that this would be how he faced Trent Ikithon. That this would be his conclusion, to work with Trent. Apparently, no one else did either.

"You gotta be fuckin with us, Caleb. Work with him? After what he did to you? After  ** _everything_ ** ?" Beau cut herself off, careful not to mention Caleb's parents, though she knew he'd been thinking about them. Not everyone knew the truth yet, and Beau was sure Caleb didn’t want to add explaining that to everyone, on top of the rest of this. She was also afraid Caleb was trying to distract them by saying they would work with him, so he could go after Trent alone later. It would be incredibly stupid, and dangerous, and very typical for Caleb. 

"Ja, Beauregard. After everything, because I did not come all the way back here to-to-to fall at the finish line. We came to end a war, ja? To fix our home? Then we will need Ikithon. Because we need the Cerberus Assembly. Later things will be different, but for now...I don't see any way around working with him."

Jester looked at Caleb with a soft sadness. "Maybe we don't have to. Maybe there's someone else we could work with." 

Caleb shook his head. "I have considered it from every angle. There is no other option."

“You shouldn’t have to be around that, Caleb.” Jester knocked his leg with hers gently, she and Beau reclining at the foot of the bed. Caleb’s eyes flicked to the spot, and the corner of his mouth quirked for a moment. 

"If this guy makes you feel unsafe, then we’ll just have to keep you safe.” Yasha’s voice was clear, and unexpected. She propped herself up on her elbows. “You’re not alone anymore.”

Caduceus laughed a little “In case you hadn’t noticed.”

They talked longer into the night than they’d expected, especially given everything they’d been through, but no one wanted to lose each other’s company, so much so that, even with the option for everyone to enjoy their own room, they opted roommates all the same. At least for tonight. No one felt safe enough here to sleep alone. Slowly they dispersed to their rooms, Fjord and Caduceus the last to leave.

Fjord paused in the doorway. "You know, Caleb, if you want to finish this on a personal level, let me know." He clapped Caleb on the shoulder and nodded to Caduceus. "See you in a bit."

Caleb blinked, processing. “Ja. I may...I may take you up on that.” 

Caduceus hadn’t let go of Caleb, still holding his hand when they got off the bed to say goodnight to everyone. Nott watched them for a moment before stepping into the hallway. “Be right back. Just need to use the loo.” She winked at Caleb and ran down the hall.

Caduceus took Caleb’s other hand the instant they were alone, pulling him closer. Caleb fell forward, his forehead resting on Cad’s sternum. “Mmm.” Caduceus sighed. Having his Caleb take refuge in him felt like the only right thing in that moment. “You’re sure you don’t want me to stay tonight?”

Caleb nodded. “I--ja. I...you have been...wonderful, Caduceus. Really, wonderful. I just, I don’t think, ah--Fjord will not have anyone to room with if you stay. And he and Nott do not make good roommates. Besides, you had a gift for him, did you not? A sort of “welcome to the family” present? This would be a good time to give it.”

Caduceus could tell, though Caleb was trying to be secretive, that Caleb was not actually up for having him around tonight. That was fair. There was a lot for him to think on. Cad knew their relationship was still challenging for Caleb to accept. Romantic involvement of any kind was difficult for Caleb to accept, no matter how much he wanted it, and being brought face to face with his past wasn’t going to help that any. Caduceus could see that even more now, in light of their talk on the beach.

“That’s a good idea. I think I will give him that tonight...But if you need me?’ 

Caleb looked up and saw the worry in Caduceus’ face. “I will call. I can send you a message so we won’t wake Fjord.”

“That’s good. I like that.” Caduceus bent, taking Caleb’s jaw in his hand. “Can I kiss you goodnight?”

Caleb’s mouth worked wordlessly for a moment before a whisper got free. “Please.”

Cad smiled, taking Caleb into a slow kiss, his mouth soft and inviting. He pulled Caleb’s lip into his mouth, coaxing him deeper. The kiss was its own type of enchantment, silencing Caleb’s mind. Caleb felt dizzy, and brought both of his arms up around Cad’s neck. Caduceus took Caleb’s weight easily. When he finally pulled back, Caleb was flushed, and Cad felt a little proud of himself for it. 

“See you in the morning, Sunflower.”

“Caddy.” Caleb whispered sheepishly, pressing his body closer to Caduceus in a half stumble. “I...ah...goodnight.” 

Caduceus hugged Caleb a little longer before finally letting go and heading to his own room.

Nott stepped back into the room moments later, grinning to herself. “Is it warm in here Caleb? You look very warm. Your ears are red. Do you have a fever?”

He shot an affectionate glare in her direction as she cackled.

* * *

"Caduceus, this is...when did you...how did you?"

Fjord was pleasantly dumbfounded at Caduceus' gift. It was a beautiful seal, a symbol of the Wildmother, a braid of seaweed wound around one side. It was a mark of the home and the anchor Fjord had found in their goddess. 

"At the forge." Cad explained. *You had something of an awakening, and it is the kind of thing that should be marked, remembered. At my awakening I was given the staff, and my sister Clarabelle made me a flower crown." Cad recalled it fondly. The crown hung in his kitchen, long since dried. It was one of the things he held onto when the days got dark. "I just wanted to pass that to you. You are on your path. You've learned so much. There's not a lot more I can teach you, really. So, welcome to the family...as it were."

Fjord smiled, studying the excellent craftsmanship. "Thank you, Caduceus. I don't feel like I know much at all, but this means a lot. I... never thought I would find a place where I fit."

"Then this will be a good reminder. None of us really know what's going on. We just try to listen, and find our way. And we stumble into it together."

The kinship between them warmed Caduceus. After so many seasons without his family, Fjord was truly a gift. The pain of uncertainty surrounding where his family were, what was happening or had happened, whether they truly had decided not to come back and not to speak to him, or something awful had happened, having someone to share his faith with was a small, but precious comfort.

Fjord thought for a while over the unexpected events that had brought him to this point. He'd never been close with anyone like he was with this group. Beau and Caduceus had been especially supportive of him--Jester too, though his feelings over her were too confusing to lean too heavily on. He'd never let his guard down so much. To have that trust so rewarded was a miracle. The two talked over their experiences, puzzling together how their lives fit into the greater plan the Wildmother had for them, the possibility of different paths, connected paths. Fjord felt he could be honest with Cad. 

"You know, Caduceus, I always wanted a family, when I was a kid. I used to pretend,” he laughed uncomfortably. “I used to pretend I had brothers and sisters, and one day they’d find me and take me home. I feel like I’ve kind of found that. Especially with you. So, thank you. I hope that's not...weird to say."

"Not at all." Caduceus grinned. "It's an honor. I’m glad to be found.”

* * *

The lights had been out for nearly an hour. Caleb stared at the ceiling. He listened to Nott’s breathing beside him. Their room only had the one bed, and that suited him fine. He trusted Nott, more than anyone. She knew better than anyone what to expect out of him if things went...sideways here. He wanted her close by.

“You can’t sleep either, schatz?” Caleb spoke to the dark.

“Waiting for you to finally say something.” Nott answered. She rolled onto her back and joined Caleb in his study of the rafters. “So are you going to? Or are you going to keep pretending to be interested in low-light cottage architecture?”

“It’s fake, you know. These beams are a facade.” He pointed to the chintzy work above.

“That’s not the only facade in here. Caleb, you’re very smart. I know you’ve thought things through...but I can’t feel okay with working with that man. And I can’t believe that you are.”

“Why? We’ve worked with terrible people before. For terrible people. We have been terrible people on more than one occasion, especially you and I. This isn’t that different.”

“Yes it is, Caleb. It is and you know it.” Her response was terse. She could dance around with him on this for a bit, but tomorrow was coming fast, and she needed to know what was really going on inside that brilliant, admittedly broken, brain.

“Nott, I--I am not  _ okay _ with it. But this is the better win, ja? We kill him, someone like him takes his place. Nothing changes. Maybe the war ends, maybe it doesn’t. But no one learns of his experiments. No one stops them from happening again. At best, someone finds out and covers it up. Yes, I want him gone. I want to see him dead. I want to feel his beg for his life under my hands--” Caleb felt rage welling inside him as his tone growled and his body tensed. Nott sat up and put a hand on his shoulder. He stilled.

“Sorry. Thank you. It’s just...as much as I want that, I cannot have it. It is not the real goal. My personal revenge isn’t worth the greater good.”

Nott huffed, a sad sort of amusement. “That sounds like Bren.” 

“Well, he is not... _ gone _ ever. Not entirely. Maybe the parts of him that want to do---what is best, are worth keeping. You know about that, ja? Veth wouldn’t want to give up Nott’s excellent pickpocketing skills, or her aim.”

Nott flopped back down, her head on Caleb’s shoulder. “I can’t really lecture you about your warring selves, can I?”

“Not without getting burned.”

They both fell silent, the joke landing heavier than Caleb wanted.

“Nott?”

“Yeah, Cay.”

“Tomorrow, we are going to go to places, and probably see things that I have not seen...in a very long time. I’m afraid.” His voice trembled a little as he spoke, nervous, ashamed. “And I...I don’t know what I might do. What I might be like. Who might show up. I need to know...that is, would you at least...ah..” Caleb floundered, trying to find words in Common. Trying to get out the warning, to voice his fears and his needs. It was all too much and he had never been strong on expressing himself in words.

“Caleb, however you are tomorrow, whatever parts of you show through, I will be right there with you. I’m not going to leave you.”

“Even if I…”  _ break? Hurt you? Lose my mind again? _ Caleb didn’t know what to expect, what facing his past might mean. He had no reason to think he could avoid seeing Astrid or Wulf. Wulf might be dead for all he knew, but from the letter, unless something had changed in recent months, Astrid was alive and well and living on Trent’s estate. What would seeing them mean? What would he do?

Nott hugged him tight. “You are my family, Caleb. There is nothing you can do that is going to make me abandon you. And for the record, everyone else in this room earlier tonight feels the same. One of them in particular.” 

Nott had named his fear too well, and the other lingering question he had been avoiding. Caleb got up, sending his floating lights around the room. He poured himself a glass of water, drinking slowly and trying to buy himself some time.

“You think something here is going to change things with Caduceus?”

Caleb took another drink, and looked out the window onto the lamplit streets below. “I think they should. I should end it. Before--”

“Caleb, that is the stupidest thing you’ve said all day.”

The abrupt interruption and sharp critique knocked Caleb out of his musing. He turned to Nott in confusion. 

“You really think that here, in the middle of everything that’s going on, you’re going to walk up to Caddy and say ‘Sorry, it’s over’? The man you let  _ hold you _ in a room full of your friends, one of only two people who have ever been able to  _ touch _ you when you’re having a panic attack--at least that I know of--and that’s just going to be fine? He’s not going to have any questions, you’re not going to have any issues and it’ll all work out better?”

Caleb heard the absurdity. He knew there was only one way it would work.

“Well, maybe...maybe it’s time I set off on my own again. Stopped weighing you all down.”

No one said anything for a solid minute. 

Nott retrieved her flask and took a long pull. When she spoke her voice was dark, and unusually quiet. “If you abandon us, Caleb, I will never forgive you. I would never leave you.” There were tears in her voice. “I can’t believe you still think it’s okay to leave me.”

The hurt in her words stabbed Caleb more deeply than any weapon ever could. He turned back to face her. He felt stuck. He had always needed others. Astrid. Wulf. His parents. But no one had needed him. No one until Nott. She had saved his life so many times, but he had also saved hers. Neither would have survived without the other in all of their travels. 

And Nott had brought him together with these people, and damn his foolish heart if he hadn’t come to need them too, despite everything. But as he thought over her words, he realized they had needed him. He remembered faking an injury so Beau could rest. And Caduceus--he remembered that morning in the library, when Caduceus couldn’t get up. He recalled the way Caduceus had held tightly to him in the tombs beneath Bazzoxan: Caleb had needed Cad’s help, but Caduceus needed the story, and the closeness he and Caleb shared. In truth, Caleb knew as soon as the words left his mouth that he couldn’t leave them. He knew their stories were all woven together now. It was guilt and fear that had him trying to push them away, but everything else was getting so much louder than those feelings. It was hard to act on them as much anymore.

Caleb knelt on the floor beside Nott. 

“I’m sorry. I don’t...I don’t think it’s okay to leave you. I’m sorry. I just...I don’t want you to get hurt. I don’t want any of you to get hurt. Not because of me.”

Nott kissed his forehead, and he dropped his head onto her knee. She combed through his hair, and worked on a small braid with a few strands.

“Caleb, it’s not your fault if we get hurt. And we’re going to be alright--we’re making this choice. We WANT to stay with you, and we want you with us. I can keep reminding you, if you need that.” 

Caleb nodded silently. He didn’t have words to argue or agree.

“Do you really want to end things with Caduceus? If you’re unhappy, if this isn’t right for you, I’d support you. You know that.”

He nodded again.

“I don’t know what to do about him, friend.”

“How do you mean?”

“I am in too deep now. I cannot keep telling myself that we could stop.Because I  _ don’t  _ want to. I was a child the last time I felt this way, and this is so different from that. I’m afraid of how he feels, how I feel.”

Veth nodded. She understood this. She waited through most of her courtship with Yeza for the other shoe to drop, to find out he had only been playing a game with her, that he didn’t feel the way she felt, even after he had told her so many times that he did.

“How  _ do _ you feel, Caleb?”

“I love him. So much.”

“Have you told him?”

“No. I said it in Zemnian, twice. I don’t think he knows. Once was an accident. Kind of...”

“I don’t want to know. Do not tell me details...Do you know how he feels?”

Caleb nodded, still resting his head on his friend’s lap. “He thought I was asleep. Told me he loved me.”

“You didn’t let him know you were awake?” She smiled to herself. Soaking that statement up in secret was very much like Caleb.

“Nein. I couldn’t. I couldn’t have that conversation then. I didn’t want to...ruin it.”

Nott sighed. She tied off the braid and tapped his head. He sat up. “You don’t ruin love by being in it, Caleb. You don’t  _ ruin love _ at all. And if Caduceus is in love with you, he already knows how much of a struggle this is going to be for you. And he’s ready to see that through. For someone as smart as you, I’m surprised you didn’t figure that out already. You’ve got enough going on here in Rexxentrum, without trying to trick your heart into pushing away the first person you’ve loved in...what, years?”

He shrugged in passive agreement. 16 years, to be precise. Nott took his hand and pulled him back onto the bed. 

“Maybe, you could just let us take care of you while you work through this. Feel how you feel and have one less thing to fight yourself over.”

Caleb extinguished his lights, and tried to get comfortable under the blankets. “I will try, for you.”

“I can work with that, at least until we get you to try for yourself.”

Caleb smirked. He had no idea how long that would take. “Goodnight, schatz. Danke.”

“That’s what I’m here for.”

* * *

Breakfast saw them all together again around a large table, Yasha looking more herself than most of them expected. As soon as Caleb came down the stairs, Caduceus put down a plate of food in front of Caleb that he figured would be gentle on the stomach.

“You don’t have to eat a lot, but I need you to eat something. This is not a good day to skip meals.”

Caleb ducked his head, acknowledging the direction, and attempting a thank you. He cleared most of the small plate, earning him a kiss from his lover, and a smile that melted some of the frozen feeling in his gut.

“Very good. Thank you, Caleb.”

“Mighty Nein,” Martinet Ludinis Da’leth hailed them as he entered the inn. “When you are ready, we have much to discuss.”

He led them out, and took them to his own tower. Caduceus stuck close to Caleb, Nott in front of them. They were met with more openness than anticipated, Da’leth agreeing to take them to see the newly uncovered beacon. Caleb and Caduceus shared a look of skepticism. They seemed to be reading the same signs as Da’leth spoke. They could trust, to an extent, the information, but nothing was going to be as it seemed. 

Caleb was bold enough to share that he was a former student of Master Ikithon, and a bit--though not much--relieved to find that other members of the Assembly found Trent’s methods dubious. Of course, the Martinet was all too willing to deem them necessary as well. Nonetheless, Caleb was offered an out, the chance not to go to where the beacon was held. He drew on the strength of his supports, Beauregard bolstering him with a confident quirk of the mouth, and an over-enthusiastic arm punch. 

“I will go along.”

He was preparing himself to see many things. He was preparing to meet with people and places he had no positive vision of returning to. He was not prepared to be taken back into the asylum that stole 11 years of his life, 11 years until he was able to break free. If he hadn’t escaped, this would be the place his body was still rotting: the Vergessen Sanitorium.

* * *

Caleb stared up at the iron gates, willing himself to walk through, his feet like lead weights. His mind was screaming.

_ I won't go. I won't go back. I can't. Not here. Not back here. Please. It's dark. So dark. Cold. Alone--don't leave me. Please, please… _

Caleb heard the tears and the begging of his 17-year-old self. He was certain now that this was a trap. If he walked through those doors, he would never walk out again. Trent knew he had Bren yesterday. That's why he had been so calm. His net was already cast. 

Caleb could feel his throat closing up, even as some rational part of him argued that he  _ could _ do this. He wasn't alone. They weren't here because he escaped this place. Some part of him knew they weren't here to put him back, but he couldn't be sure that part was right.

Beau stopped walking, letting Jester, Fjord and Yasha take the lead. She tapped Nott and jerked her head towards Caleb. Nott turned. Her heart broke a little at the sight of him. He shouldn't have to do this.

Caduceus was last, not moving a step past Caleb. He put his hand on Caleb's shoulder, and Caleb suppressed a jump. Caduceus felt him tense and slowly removed his hand, trying not to startle him further. "You can turn around right now. You don't have to go in there. I'll come with you. Nott and I will go back with you. Beau can make sure we get everything we need to know from here.”

"Nein. Nein. I... I have to. I have to see this through. This is…" he cleared his throat. "This is my story." His eyes darted towards Caduceus and back. Caduceus understood that. It was Caleb’s way of calling this destiny, and he wasn’t going to back down.

Beau moved to Caleb's side, careful not to touch him. This was Caleb on high alert. "Caleb, if we all go in there, we are ALL coming back out. You won't be left behind. Nobody can take you from us.”

Nott agreed. "I'd like to see 'em try. We’re here for you, Caleb."

They fell back in step with the others, Caleb between Nott and Beau, Caduceus behind him. Two guards joined them past the entrance, and then two more as Da’leth disappeared down a stairwell. Caleb couldn’t be sure of their exact location in this place, but he felt the heavy architecture, which could have been beautiful in other circumstances, closing in around them. They were in a public waiting room. Da’leth’s description of this place: a place of care and recovery, and a place for the Assembly to carry out experiments outside of the political eye, made his stomach turn. His arms itched, and he scratched at them, small, repetitive motions, hard to notice with his arms folded against himself so tightly, but it soothed. He felt his scars and wished he could dig them out.

“You have been here before?” Yasha’s voice came softly and distantly. There was a gentleness in it that caught Caleb off guard. Beau nodded, and Nott pressed in a little closer to Caleb.

He gave a furtive nodd. “Eleven.”

“What?”

“Eleven years.” 

“That’s what I thought you said.” Yasha answered. There was a sadness in her voice, not pity, but sorrow, something shared.

“Eleven years?” Jester’s eyes were wide. She knew what it was like to be stuck in one place for a long time, but not a place like this. Caduceus’ ears twitched and he stared at Caleb, reflexively starting to reach for him but stopping himself. Touch was the last thing Caleb wanted right now, whether or not Cad wanted it. Eleven years. No wonder Caleb had understood, when Caduceus told him about being alone in the grove. Being forgotten. Eleven years in a human lifespan was...Caduceus didn’t want to think about it or what it added to all the other weights his brave wizard carried. Caduceus couldn’t wait to get them out of this place. Immediately wasn’t soon enough.

Ludinis Da’leth appeared again, this time with Trent, and together they lead the Mighty Nein into Trent’s laboratory, where the beacon was being kept. Caleb had been preparing for a lot of things before they came here, one of his greater concerns now stood before him: Eodwulf. 

The man still towered over most humans, his black hair cropped short. Caleb remembered it longer, but that was many years ago. Their eyes locked before they both looked away. Bren wanted to reach out to him. He was desperate to ask so many things. He wanted forgiveness and he wanted to be held safe again, he wanted to know he was trusted. Caleb had all those things, but Bren still struggled. Was he welcome in that world? He had already lost his parents, and then he lost Wulf and Astrid. Caleb didn’t want anything to do with this life anymore, but Bren did, at least, part of him did. If one day Caleb proved too much for the Mighty Nein, if Bren couldn’t find a way to belong there, where would he go then?

_ Where you go, we go, _ Wulf had promised. What if Wulf and Astrid could still be...home?

Caleb forced himself out of that place in his mind. They had real reasons to be here, and those reasons had nothing to do with Bren’s loneliness. They listened intently to Trent’s carefully chosen words about the beacon they were here to see. They tried to suss out whatever truth they could that would set them on a path to the reality of the Empire’s intent, and anything that might carve a way for peace between the two nations. The more Trent spoke, the more Caleb felt his anger rise. He reserved a few biting comments, spoke a couple more than he thought he would. The courage lent to him by his friends was winning out, at least enough for Caleb to show that he has not been useless, that he was not the fool and the failure he was assumed to be. But those few exchanges were enough to leave Caleb’s knees weak. Beau was more than happy to step in and push at Trent, for the information they needed, and to get a dig in on behalf of her friend. Afterall, what are Cobalt Soul Expositor friends for?

The Martinet noticed as the conversation switched from informative to toeing at combative, and decided to diplomatically end the visit. Bren saw his chance as Trent, Da’leth and a few of his friends continued some feigned polite conversation. He stepped away towards Eodwulf.

“Wulf--it’s good to see you again.” Bren hugged his arms across himself, trying to keep his composure. He felt shy, afraid, and almost hopeful. Wulf looked down at him and Bren could almost swear he was fighting a smile.

“It’s good to see you too.” He nodded, but his arms stayed crossed, defensive. “It’s been a while. You look good, Mau--Bren.” Wulf schooled his face back into cold impassivity, though Bren caught his slip up.

Bren met his eyes for a moment, searching for something, but Wulf was well trained, and he gave away nothing. Caleb steeled himself, and glanced back at the only person in the room who stood taller than the man he once loved: the man he loved now, better than he had loved before. And Caduceus had eyes on him, waiting to jump the moment Caleb needed him. Caleb couldn’t give Bren back what he had lost. He hoped he was learning instead, to live for better.

Caleb nodded to Wulf. “You too.” He turned back to his friends. “Let’s go, ja? We have much to do today.”

The Martinet took the Mighty Nein out of the Vergessen Sanitorium, and Caleb immediately felt a weight lift from him. When Da’leth had finally taken his leave, pointing them in the direction of a curious shop that might be of interest, the Nein were able to speak more freely. Both Da’leth and Trent had spoken around the truth. Caduceus was amazed in an unsettling sense at Trent’s ability to dance around the truth, saying so many things while saying nothing, giving detail while avoiding pertinent information. Coupled with the ability to alter memory, it was no wonder Caleb couldn’t find his direction under that man. 

Yasha and Jester had been kept more in the dark than anyone about Caleb’s past, and now had questions of their own. What caught Caleb off guard most was their response to meeting Trent for themselves.

“Was he ever, like, nice to you, Caleb, or has he always just been creepy and weird?”

Caleb blinked. His mind held in picture-perfect clarity each of Trent’s lessons, the horrific, and the mundane. Of course no one ever sat in on Trent’s private lessons. There were reasons they were conducted on Trent’s estate. Reasons prying eyes would never be aloud to see. 

He could hear Trent’s voice, forcing, coercing:

_ “It’s for the greater good, Bren. You can do this, I know you can, but if you cannot...I can’t keep you.” _

_ “Your parents are traitors, Bren. WE are all you have left now. Will you go running to them? To traitors? Throw away everything meaningful for childish love? That is not love. The Empire is what it real. Love is giving up everything for the cause. Haven’t we given everything for you?” _ _   
_ _ “Foolish, willful, stupid child. Get. Back. There. You will do as you are told. You will do what is  _ ** _necessary_ ** _ , or mark me, there will be consequences far worse than the ones you fear.” _

_ Pain. Exposure. Fear. Gripping and Tearing. _

_ “Bren,” Trent’s voice came soft, coaxing. “Bren you’ve worked so hard today. I pushed you to more than you felt you could handle. I am sorry. I have frightened you, and I do not wish to. But you will see, one day you will see this was all for your good. Because I care about you, and I care about our home.” A wizened hand touched Bren’s cheek, a kiss to his forehead, cold, but so soothing. “We will try again. You can be made strong enough, but you must trust my teaching, Bren.” _

_ Darkness. _

Caleb shook his head. He looked at Jester, as if seeing her only just now. “Sometimes, after he had been particularly harsh, he would apologize.”

Yasha nodded. “That can be very confusing.”

“Especially when you have no one else to go to.” Beau added. And she was right. Trent had made sure that there was no one Wulf, Astrid or Bren would trust more than himself, no one they would tell his secrets to.

The words hit Caleb like a wave. He still felt so confused around that man. He had to lock away every part of him that had ever known Trent, let Trent know him, just to be in the room with him. 

Jester took Caleb’s arm as they began to walk, and for some reason, he didn’t flinch. Maybe it was the possibility that these people understood. Maybe it was just the magic of Jester, and how much Caleb enjoyed that neither the Martinet nor Trent Ikithon could comprehend Jester’s peculiar brand of conversation, but he walked with her. “He made me feel gross and icky all over, and that was just from talking to him for like, less than an hour. Caleb, I’m really sorry you had to experience any of that.”

Caleb floated forward, dazed and shaky, guided along by his friends. “I...thank you, Jester. Thank you, all, for being with me, back there.” Caduceus smiled down at him from his other side, and Caleb’s hand flitted into Cad’s. It was warm, and he was skittish. Like a hummingbird, Caduceus thought. Caleb found himself less able to scratch with both of his hands occupied, and that was for the best.

* * *

Though far from what they had expected, the shop recommended turned out to be a perfect first stop. The Nein found the Cryptic Collection easily enough, and Caduceus was immediately enamored with the creations of the shop’s owner, Keona the Keen. The smells and magic in this shop spoke very much to Cad’s own sense of home, nature reclaiming death with life, moss and fungi climbing over leather and bone. Then he saw it--the flute, carved from a single bone. Caduceus couldn’t resist, and sounded it--it sounded like a death scream, neither beast nor human, though a bit of both. Caduceus was delighted. He grinned around at his friends. He needed this flute. Very few things did he need, but this was one of them. The sound itself had ripped Caleb from the distracted place in his mind, but when he saw the joy it gave Caduceus, and that impish little grin of games waiting to be paid, he couldn’t help but enjoy it.

They left the shop with several commissions on hold--Yasha deciding she needed a bone harp, among other things, and with some afternoon hours and all of the evening left to themselves, the party split up. Yasha and Caduceus found a beautiful park, and after a bit of time admiring the flowers, Yasha dug into the book Fjord had given her, enhanced by some colorful, somewhat questionable artwork from Jester. 

Caduceus, to the displeasure of anyone within earshot, took the opportunity in such a beautiful setting, to practice his flute.

Caleb had tried for a bit to study back at the inn, but found himself restless. While Beauregard left to do some work at the Cobalt Soul, he found himself seeking company. Nott returned, having purchased apparently not just arrows for herself, but smaller, rubber tipped ones. Caleb smiled when he saw her stashing them in their room. Luc may not have the most careful mother, but he certainly had one of the most fun.

“Veth, I wonder if you would like to come with me on a walk? I don’t feel I can sit still too much longer in here.”

Nott agreed, and when they stumbled across Fjord trying (and failing rather pathetically) to meditate, they decided to bring him along. Caleb wanted the company, and Fjord had wanted to attend the Soltryce Academy once. Perhaps he could show him the good that was still there. 

They wandered the courtyards of the campus, Caleb pointing out towers of interest, particular favorite spots to read, all the important libraries. Caleb was more excited than anyone would have expected for being back in Rexxentrum, and having so much of his past thrown at him. It made Nott curious.

“Cay, if things had gone differently, if you hadn’t...if Trent hadn’t pulled you out of all this, what do you think you would have done?”

“Oh.” Caleb knew immediately. “I would have stayed here. I wanted to teach. I never wanted...I never wanted to be a soldier. My father was a soldier. I love him--loved him. Dearly. But that was never the life I planned on. I wanted to learn, to open doors for others to learn. There are so many wonderful things in books. So many things we don’t yet understand. So much to discover.” Caleb let those possibilities of exploration carry him, and Fjord and Nott both caught a glimpse of the would-be scholar. It was beautiful, and tragic.

“You know, after all this, maybe things will change here. Maybe you could come back and teach.”

“Maybe.” Caleb answered, coming back down from his lofty ideas. He didn’t know if he could ever return to this place, not to stay, not permanently. There was too much hurt here. He didn’t know if he could live with that, or even if he wanted to live at all--maybe the best thing would be to find a way to undo what Bren had done to his parents, and if that ended Caleb, so be it.

“For now, I will stick to my star pupil.” He added, lifting Nott onto his shoulders. “She’s a quick learner, and I owe her a spell.”

‘Well, from what I hear, you may have another student as well. Caduceus was chatting something about you teaching him Zemnian.” Fjord wanted to see if he could get a rise out of Caleb. It was one of the best ways to tell if he was out of danger from what had happened earlier in the day.

“He is not...as fast a learner as Ms. Brenatto here, but he is a  _ very _ good student.” Caleb was coy in his reply, and that comforted both of his friends, though they didn’t miss the opportunity to give him grief over his romantic intrigue.

* * *

Having decided to stay in town for a few days while their commissions were completed at the Cryptic Collection, there was one thing almost everyone felt they could get behind: a good fight. Between Jester’s feelings of loneliness, and fears of letting her friends down, and the unnamed energies and frustrations that Fjord, Yasha and Beau were all battling, the party decided they’d scout out a fighting ring. It was a big enough city. There had to be something.

Caleb had spent most of his time once they were back from their walk around the Academy in his room, working through Halas’ notes. It was a way of reminding himself how far he had come without Trent, without Wulf or Astrid, of reminding himself of the people who had become so important to him, who had shown more genuine care than anyone since his own parents. Their memories so fresh on him today solidified that no matter what he may have shared with Astrid and Wulf, he could not go back. He could not betray his parents again. There was nothing left for him there but fire. 

He owed it to Nott to find her spell, to make it if he had to, and to get her back to her own body, and to her own family. 

So when he was asked to join the rest of them on their thrill-seeking adventure, he politely declined. Partly for his work, but this was also the opening he had been hoping for. He didn’t think he would get another.

“I think you will have a lot of fun.  _ You _ should definitely go with them, Caduceus.” Caleb folded their hands together, looking up from his work. “If they are going to get their asses kicked by choice, it would be good to bring someone who can drag them back home.” 

Caduceus smiled down at him softly. “You’re sure you’ll be alright alone here? I don’t feel very good about leaving you by yourself after everything that happened today.” Cad knelt down to be eye level with Caleb in his chair. He held Caleb’s gaze for as long as Caleb would allow. “You’re sure?”

Caleb nodded. “Ja. I have business I need to take care of.” Caleb looked away, and Caduceus could tell that Caleb was lying, or at least hiding something. He hated that, but he didn’t feel like it was the right time to push. He didn’t know what to expect from Caleb, and he wanted to be understanding. He had no idea what diving head first into a world of trauma like that might do to Caleb’s need for self preservation. He tried to believe that Caleb would tell him the truth eventually, even if waiting for the “eventual” part of it stung like hell. He trusted Caleb. Caleb’s hurting heart couldn’t change that.

“I will be alright, liebling.” Caleb reassured him, and that, to Caduceus’ eye, was sincere. 

Caduceus kissed Caleb’s forehead and his eyes. “Be safe, Caleb.”

Caleb ducked a nod, and placed a chaste kiss to Cad’s lips. “You too.”

Caleb listened as Caduceus went back downstairs, and waited as the others joined him, and finally left on their little adventure. When they had been gone about 20 minutes, Caleb prepared his things, and crept out on an errand of his own. He wandered back into the Shimmer Ward, to Trent’s estate, to a manor house, belonging to a woman he had not seen in 16 years.

“I am Bren Aldric Ermandrud, here to see the Lady of the house.”

* * *

Bren was nervous and fidgeting. He wasn’t sure what he was doing here. Caleb wasn’t sure what he was doing here. All he knew was he had to see her. Maybe there was a chance she could be convinced of the lies they had been told. Wulf was never one to listen to a solid argument, and in Trent’s lab there would have been no chance to try. The best Bren could do was wish him well. But Astrid, Astrid had the brains and the strategy, she would at least entertain the possibility with him. Maybe he could save one of them.

But then Astrid joined Bren in her parlor, her short hair, stylish and severe as ever, falling over one eye. He melted all over again. She was older, a new scar ran down her face, but Bren would have known her anywhere. This was his Astrid, and she was glad to see him. They passed through pleasantries, and it wasn’t long before they were touching on the roots of why he had come here.

“...You hit a breaking point, that night, Bren. We hoped you would recover. Sometimes you got better. Some days you were even with us--really yourself, for a whole day. But then you would have an episode. You are a bright person. Always were. Your spark goes with you wherever you go. Unfortunately, we can’t always put out the fires it starts.”

Astrid looked away, and as she turned her head, Bren saw the burn scars down her neck. They were expansive.

“I--” Bren couldn’t believe it, and yet, how else would she have gotten them? He remembered the shouting, the cold, the emptiness, but what exact details did he have of his time in the asylum? Caleb nudged against his own mind. Yes, he had loved this woman once, but she was a stalwart pupil of their mentor. Likely, she had even picked up some of his tricks. This could be as much a lie as any of the other things he had been told or shown or forced to believe. He hoped she was just caught in that trickery. But he couldn’t be sure, and it tortured him to think that he had hurt Astrid, hurt her like so many others had, and she had endured it, this time not for the greater good, but because of how much she cared for him.

_ She is toying with you.  _ Caleb tried to remind himself.

_ She is one of the only people who promised not to do that.  _ Bren argued back.

Caleb faltered again. What was promised in bed, lifetimes ago was not worth trusting. Not when no one there knew the truth.  _ We would have lied to each other and believed it fact, back then. _ Caleb thought. Still, he hated the possibility that he was yet another who hurt her.

“I am...sorry.”

She laughed, a gentle, cold thing. “It isn’t your fault, Bren. You can hardly be blamed. Your mind was...gone. I’m truly just glad to see you now, here. I never thought I’d see you again like this.”

“You are right.” Caleb tried to pick up the threads, and say what he had intended to, before his past sidetracked him. “That is exactly it. My mind was gone, but not just mine. Astrid, my parents were not traitors. He put false memories in our heads. We were not ourselves. We acted on lies, and it cost the lives of many innocents. My parents--and I believe yours, among them.”

Astrid sighed. She knew this. Yes, the memories were false, but they were children. They needed emotional reasons to act. Trent’s methods were unconventional, but they worked. This is what had broken Bren in the first place. She had hoped he’d be ready to move on, but she should have known. He was always sentimental.

As they spoke, Caleb found his footing. The more that Astrid defended the abuses they had received, and inflicted the more he knew he couldn’t go back. Life is pain, she believed. That they agreed on. But Astrid believed that is the way it had to be. Caleb could not, nor could Bren. There was no split on that. When he was ready to leave, it was with a heavy heart. He could not convince Astrid to change her mind, but she was not stopping him from leaving. She only made one attempt.

As he reached for the door, she caught his hand, and in her touch were the thousands of others before it. Hands clasped in childhood games, in solidarity, in aid, in affection, in passion, in love. He turned, and brought his other hand to her face. His thumb grazed her cheekbone, as it had so many times, and for a moment he was torn. He could stay. He could try again. She wanted him to come back and see her. He could earn her love again.

Earn.

It was the thought of earning that paused him. The last time Bren loved, it was with earning. He had to perform right, do right, be right. But he loved now, and earning had no place in it. Caleb had Caduceus, and never once had he had to prove anything. He had done so many things wrong, and Cad had never once withdrawn love from him. This was a trap, and the cleverest kind.

Caleb dropped his hands.

“I care for you, very deeply, Astrid. I care for the girl I knew. I hope...I hope you have a good life. A full life, someday.”

He left into the night, refusing to look back. Bren and Caleb resolved that there was nothing back there for him. 

Caleb wandered the cobbled streets for at least an hour before he decided to head back. He drank from his flask, trying to wash down the dizzy feelings of his past and his present. Regret left a lingering taste in his mouth, and whiskey helped wash it away, sometimes. It wasn’t doing much now, and drunkenness wouldn’t do him any favors. He put the flask away and considered their encounter.

Maybe Astrid was supposed to be waiting for him. She was supposed to enchant him with their past love. It was a skill the both of them were particularly good at. Wulf found intimidation easier. Bren was unlikely to intimidate, and Astrid found it messy. They both excelled in seduction.

But then it should have worked, he thought to himself. Except that she hadn’t figured on him finding someone else, finding out what love really was. The hardest mark to play was a mark that was a mark in love. If the relationship was genuine, your best option was to find another target. Too much risk of being exposed, or just ignored.

Astrid couldn’t win Bren back. Astrid couldn’t convince Caleb that his old life was worth returning to, because Caleb loved someone else. He had forged his own family, and he had a man he loved, who had never tried to use that against him.

He would have stayed with her. If he hadn’t known he loved these people, it would have been easy to stay. But that’s not who he was anymore. He had grown into so much more.

* * *

Caleb walked into the Camarouth Cottage, to a mostly emptied common room. A few patrons sat at the bar, and one firbolg, with pink and silver streaked hair, sat near the fire. He looked up when the door opened, a look of relief on his face when he saw Caleb come in. 

They met in the middle of the room, Cad’s hand immediately running through Caleb’s hair, checking him over for any preliminary signs of damage. “Are you alright? Did something happen to you? Are you hurt?”

“I am alright.” Caleb took hold of his wrist. “Caduceus, yes. I am alright. I went out for a walk.”

Caduceus frowned. Not a lie, but not the whole truth. 

“Where is everyone else? You are back quickly for your planned outing.” Caleb avoided specifics given their location.

“Jester decided to sit out the fighting. She promised me to play healer so I could come back here.”

“Are you unwell?” 

“No. I needed to check on you. Can we take this upstairs?”

Caleb nodded. The thoughts that had brought him back here, that he loved Caduceus, that Caduceus loved him, were enough to explain Cad’s choices. It struck Caleb with a bit of guilt. He should have told Caduceus, but if he had...would he have been able to go? Would that have been alright? Was it even alright now?

Caduceus led the way, and passing both Caleb’s room and Cad’s, they went to one further down the hall. 

“We didn’t turn our keys back in, when they gave us all rooms. I thought you and I might talk somewhere uninterrupted.”

Caleb nodded, closing the door as they went inside. It was a spacious room with a fireplace, which Caleb lit out of habit, two chairs and a small table, and a sharable bed. Caleb sat in one of the chairs, anxious that he was in trouble. Caduceus pulled the other chair up beside him. 

“I’m sorry. I don’t want to be overbearing. I really did plan to stay out with them. You have every right to go places and do what you want. I was just...worried about you, and when you said you had business to take care of...Caleb I could tell there was more to it and I didn’t know what. You don’t usually hide things from me like that. It scared me. I thought you were going to do something dangerous, and there would be no one there to help you.”

Caleb had not expected an apology. Caduceus was confirming so many things Caleb had believed but not been able to voice: he had more freedom with Cad than he’d ever had with Astrid or Wulf, more trust than he had with himself. 

“Caduceus, it is I who should be sorry. I-I did not tell you anything I was planning. I didn’t...I couldn’t risk...it was something I had to do. I had to find out…” He went quiet, trying to find the words, trying to decide if this secret was one he could share, without losing what he had most needed to get him through the last couple of hours.

“You...went to see Astrid?” Caduceus offered. His expression was difficult to read.

“I...ja. I went to see her.”

Caduceus nodded. “Caleb, I told you, you don’t ever have to tell me more about your past, and I mean that. But if there’s something I should know about your present...I’d like it if you told me now.”

Caduceus had put most of the pieces together by now. From conversations, and what he saw today of Caleb and Eodwulf, he was pretty sure he knew the other two people Caleb had ever been with willingly, ever cared about in that way. And maybe he decided he needed to be with them, or one of them. Maybe Caduceus couldn’t be what Caleb needed. He feared that. He had plenty of experience being not what was needed or wanted. Maybe the past had overwhelmed Caleb, or maybe Caduceus was just in the right place at the wrong time. Either way, he would try to accept whatever Caleb needed. 

“Oh, Cad.” Caleb took Caduceus’ hand. He met his gaze, and held it. “No. Nothing like that. I was hoping...I could convince her, that she was lied to, that she didn’t need to keep following that monster. She knew about the lies. It was...worth it. To her.”

And then it all came tumbling out. Caleb didn’t want to hold anything back from Caduceus. He told him everything of his meeting with Astrid, that he thought she was trying to win him back, or genuinely wanted him, that he couldn’t tell. He didn’t want there to be any secrets.

“...but, Caduceus, I knew...I couldn’t go back. Because that is not...that is not what love is. I loved her once, as I loved Wulf once. But that is...not love, as I know it now.”

Caduceus felt his heart pounding. Caleb had been so honest with him, in ways beyond what he had expected.

Threading their fingers together, Caleb looked down at their hands.

“I owe you one more truth, I feel.”

“Caleb.” Caduceus’ voice was soothing and empathetic. “You don’t have to--”

“I do. Caddy, the only reason I was able to leave tonight was because of you. Because you have taught me love is...not what I thought. And I know that. I know that for sure. You told me...that night on the ship, in Nicodranas,” Caleb blushed, feeling a little guilty at not admitting it earlier. “You told me you loved me. I was awake, but I...I was scared. I'm not scared now. Or, I'm differently scared. I was not truthful with you. I had said some things to you that night, that you could not understand. And again, at the Gentleman’s place, when I was helping with your wound, I told you…”

“ _ Ich liebe dich.”  _ Cad said softly, having remembered the phrase, and clearly having worked a bit on his accent. 

Caleb looked up, meeting Cad’s eyes. “I love you too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whoo! This was a doozy to write. 
> 
> There are some themes in this that hit pretty close to home for me, and I was not expecting how much that was going to hit, but I loved writing this, and found it reasonably therapeutic.
> 
> I bounce between using Caleb and Bren in this chapter depending on which part of Caleb is taking the lead in that moment. Caleb does not exhibit nor do I mean to convey dissociative identity disorder. His dissociation would link more accurately to PTSD.   
Liam has previously described both in and out of game that Caleb feels he's at war with himself, and personifies that as Caleb vs. Bren, so that's how I'm writing it and where we get some of that dissociation. Just want to be clear on that, especially as identity disorders are often misunderstood diagnoses, that get abused/misused in fiction.
> 
> Because the chapter got so long and there was a lot of content, I am going to throw in a fluff chapter, listed as a bonus part of Chapter 18, so you can catch some fluff-fall out from the end of this one. This will also give folks who prefer not to read NSFW stuff an out if that piece ends up going that direction. (I haven't chosen what direction to take it, so no promises either way.)  
Thanks for sticking with me and powering through, lovely readers! *Mwuah!*
> 
> P.S.  
Wulf's nickname for Bren was "Mauschen"--literally translated "Little Mouse," which we saw Wulf use in a previous flashback. The colloquial use of it is more "sweetie" or "cutie" as a term of endearment, but that was Wulf's near slip up in the lab. Because Wulf is a big softy under all the baggage & brute.


	19. Interlude

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A short bit of fluff for all! They said the L word and we're all delighted! Takes place immediately after the last chapter, so ep 89, but that doesn't matter much for this particular chapter.
> 
> There is NSFW content at the *** page break right after "'Then kiss me.' Caleb invited."  
So, if you are a lover of fluff but prefer not to read sex, there you have it.

At Caleb's confession, Caduceus was speechless. He thumbed excitedly over Caleb's hand, staring at where their fingers met. A slow smile crawled across his face. It was like afternoon sunlight. It was like napping under a tree in summer. It was all warmth and appreciation and its own form of magic. 

No one had ever loved Caduceus besides his family, and that was a different kind of thing. He had never felt particularly  _ wanted _ , even at home. He was odd and a little vacant, often in a world of his own. The way he saw things and talked about them...sometimes it felt as if he was looking at the world upside down, and no one else could quite see what he was seeing. Cad never thought anyone would want to be around that in an intimate way, and that was honestly fine, until he met Caleb. Caduceus had never been in love. Part of him had sort of believed he never would be. It just wasn't something he'd spent a lot of time thinking about. Even with Caleb, his feelings had formed naturally over time, and then a series of events set them into more than feelings, and he liked that. He liked that a lot more than he had expected. 

And now all of those little moments had brought them here. He wanted to grab Caleb and hold him as close as possible. He wanted to read books and drink tea with him. He wanted to kiss every inch of him. He wanted to sit beside him and stare at the stars, not touching at all. He wanted to love him however one person could love another.

Caleb's hand started to fidget and Cad realized he should say something. He said what seemed most natural:

"Do you want some tea?"

Caleb laughed, caught off guard by the response, but enjoying how undeniably  _ Caduceus _ it was.

"Ja. Please." Cad got to the door when Caleb stopped him. "Ah, could we...could we have tea here? Maybe stay the night in here? I can leave Nott a note, so she won't worry."

"Mm. Yeah. That sounds nice." 

The relieved smile Caleb gave Caduceus made his stomach leap. He did his best to be quick about gathering his things, sorting out what he needed for tea. He told Fjord when he left the group to come back here that he might spend the night in his own room. Beau offered to room with him, for which Caduceus was very grateful. He worried about all of them, wishing to keep an eye out wherever he could. He felt better knowing no one would room alone. He still didn’t trust this city.

Cad gone, Caleb took the enchanted amber stones out of his pocket, and removed his belongings from them. He had packed up everything before going to see Astrid. He couldn’t know what would happen after. He still couldn’t be certain he was safe, even now, but he was reasonably sure that they were playing a long game. He didn’t think Trent would try anything further tonight. He had to hope he was right. As he considered his plans and actions, he felt a little sorry. He hadn’t left any sign or word about what he was doing, what should be done if he didn’t come back. Not even a goodbye.

Would he really have just left everyone? Without a word?

Caleb knew he would have. 

In another life. 

And if that part of him had made the stronger argument…

But it hadn’t. And he didn’t. And he had never, in all of his life since Trent, felt so certain and right about a choice he had made. His place was here, with these people, and with Caduceus.

So he scrawled the note quickly and took it to his shared room, leaving it on Nott’s pillow. She wouldn’t need to be concerned. He would be just down the hall. No one needed to know how close the story had come to a different ending.

* * *

When Caduceus returned, Caleb had settled in, his traveling gear tucked away, and a spare blanket spread on the floor by the fire. Caleb took Cad’s pack, almost dropping its weight. He hadn’t realized how heavy it was. Caduceus carried a lot more than he let on.

Caduceus took his tea satchel, and was rummaging around rather more than he usually did, humming to himself. Caleb found their book, and brought it with him to the blanket. They were over half-way through it already. Caleb recalled every story with brilliant clarity, but he knew it was not the same for Caduceus, and that was somewhat exciting. They could read the stories over and over, and for Caduceus parts of them would always be new. That meant new things for Caleb to experience when he read them, seeing Caduceus fascinated and delighted at something different each time. He removed his shirt and his book holsters, sprawled out on the blanket and opened the book to their page, scanning the story to make sure it was one for good dreams. A couple had proved a little too sad for Caduceus before, or a little too close to home for Caleb. This one seemed perfect.

Cad picked through tiny pouches: red bush needles gave a sweet base, then chrysanthemums, chamomile, hibiscus, saffron. This was a special blend, one he was approximating from memory, something his mother and father used to share on special occasions. He didn’t know the exact ratios, but knew the properties, he had the plants right, and they had all come from very good families in his garden.

When the tea was ready, Caduceus brought it to the floor, pausing to admire Caleb, undressed to his trousers, basking and letting the hearth warm his skin, similar to a sleepy Frumpkin. Caleb rolled onto his back and propped up on an elbow when he noticed he was being watched. 

“Books and tea?” 

Cad nodded eagerly, and sat, his tall body creating an inviting space for Caleb to snuggle into while they read. Caleb found his spot and sipped at the brew Caduceus had made.

“Mmm. This is very good. Different. What is it? Or who, perhaps?” Caleb drank slowly, noticing its smooth balance, the slight sweetness, the tang of flowers, and an herbaceous, savory finish that left him licking his lips, thirsty for more. Caduceus smiled. “It’s not something I’ve made ever. I've actually never had it before.” He took a sip from his small cup, letting the liquid flow down his throat and warm his core. “That  _ is  _ good.” He was a little surprised. He hadn’t known what to expect.

“What made you choose this?” Caleb questioned. 

“You told me how you feel in your own language...this is...how I say it in mine. More or less. Family recipe. Something you share with someone when you are...together. Um. Partnered."

Caleb pressed his back harder into Cad’s chest, as if he could crawl inside the little cave Caduceus formed. He turned his head to kiss Cad’s collar bone. For a while they just sat there, drinking tea, casual warm touches, propped against each other, perfectly content.

Caduceus poured them a second cup from his teapot, and Caleb began reading. He found himself a little distracted when Cad’s hand strayed over his side or across his abdomen. It was a short story, and that was a mercy. It was a love story, and whether Caduceus noticed it or not, everytime Caleb read some form of affection, Caduceus would adopt it by giving Caleb an affectionate gesture of his own. It was a habit Caduceus apparently had, whenever he was particularly engaged with the story, and Caleb adored it, especially tonight. By the end of the story, as the lovers found their way back from the wastes, towards the light that would banish the hounds of night behind them, Caduceus was dropping kisses on Caleb’s hair, down the side of his ear.

Caleb valiantly pressed on to the end of the story before finally closing the book. He stretched, his back arching. “I think that’s enough reading for now, ja?” 

Cad's answer came in the form of another kiss to Caleb's ear, and a deep, satisfied sigh.

Caleb tipped his head a bit more, and immediately Caduceus buried his face in Caleb's neck, wrapping both of his arms around Caleb's middle. Caleb gasped, feeling the electrifying sensation of Caduceus' tongue dragging over his skin. 

Cad pulled back, remembering himself a little. Caleb had been through a lot today. It was unfair to push him for more.

"Sorry. I got a little carried away...must be the tea." He released one arm from Caleb to tuck his hair back behind his ear, toying with his earring and feeling a bit embarrassed. He hadn't meant to be selfish. To his surprise, Caleb didn't pull away.

"You have nothing to apologize for. I...I did not ask you to stop." Caleb's ears were turning red, even as he turned so he could look Caduceus in the eye. He had a wild and bright sort of confidence in his expression that was unexpected, but very welcome.

Cad's ear flicked up in interest. He shifted position, closing Caleb in. He held himself up, hovering over Caleb, who reclined on his elbows, positively glowing at the way Caduceus looked at this moment. He was so grateful to have his mind then. For all of the horrible things he remembered, Caleb would always have this sight perfectly preserved.

"I want to kiss you." Caduceus whispered.

"Then kiss me." Caleb invited.

*. *. *

Caduceus readily lost himself in Caleb. He kissed around Caleb's jawline, down his neck, across every inch of his collar bones. He was trying to learn Caleb as much as he physically could. He didn't have Caleb's memory, but that wouldn't stop him from a delighted exploration.

He knew Caleb liked attention on his nipples, and he was eager to see that reaction again. That first tug of sensitive flesh as Cad pulled one into his mouth cost Caleb his balance, as his eyes rolled back, his elbows gave out, and Cad pulled a quiet moan from him. Caleb found himself not hitting the floor, but caught by Caddy's attentive hand. Caduceus laved at it until it was flushed a deep pink and Caleb was clinging to him. He lifted Caleb in a smooth motion, and carried him to the bed. "Better in case you fall again" he explained, and Caleb stared up at him in awe. He reached for Caduceus wordlessly, until Cad was close enough for Caleb's quick fingers to unlace Cad's shirt and toss it aside. 

Caduceus knelt over Caleb, resuming his protective hover, and for a moment just smiled. "So beautiful, my Sunflower."

Caleb turned the words over.  _ My Sunflower.  _ Nothing about himself felt half so bright, but he beamed under Caduceus. He honestly felt safe, even in this city, even in spite of everything, because he was where he belonged. He believed that today. Caduceus had him and that was good.

He took Cad's hand and pressed it against his heart. "Yours."

Caduceus' eyes gleamed, bright with tears. He truly loved this man.

When he resumed his kisses, they were slower, though no less hungry. He reached Caleb's waistband and looked up, asking permission. " _ Bitte _ ." Caleb whispered. 

Caduceus nodded in compliance, thrilled. He undressed Caleb fully, sitting up again to admire. He kissed down Caleb's thighs and over his hips before finally talking Caleb into his mouth. He hummed, savoring the scent and taste that was uniquely Caleb. The sensation rocked Caleb and his hands shot into Cad's hair. His tongue was gentle, and had a better reach than Caleb would have thought possible. Caleb tried to hang on to some sense of calm, some sense of reality. The best he could do was reciprocate some of the affection he was receiving, stroking Caduceus' ears, watching as his eyes rolled back. 

"Caddy--' Caleb breathed. Cad was taking Caleb apart, and was very pleased with his work. He sucked Caleb for just a little longer before releasing him, hands massaging down his torso and legs. "Need a break?" Caduceus asked, and there was a playful expression in it.

"I need  **you** ." Caleb insisted.

"I'm all yours." Caduceus assured him. He toyed with the tie on his pants, the only thing between him and Caleb now. Caleb was used to being patient. He could wait. But right now, maybe because he knew he didn't have to be patient, he didn't have to prove anything, he chose to let his need show. He hastened Cad's undressing, removing his pants and eagerly taking him in hand. Caduceus keened at the sensation. He was so focused on giving Caleb something good, he had completely neglected himself. Caleb wouldn't have that. He reached for the vial he'd left on the nightstand, coating his palm before returning to Cad's shaft. Cad had to catch himself on the mattress, but he recovered quick enough to stop Caleb from putting the oil away. He dribbled a bit over his fingers, before reaching for his own entrance. The sight was gorgeous and it tore at Caleb's heart.

"Let me." Caleb's voice was gentle and reassuring. His practiced fingers moved softly, replacing Cad's. He massaged Caduceus open, lovingly, relishing the feel of Cad around him, the view at the obvious pleasure this new sensation gave him. His finger pumped slow, until he could add a second. Caduceus moaned and Caleb thought that sound alone was enough to undo him. When he was ready, Cad straddled Caleb.

"This way? You are comfortable?" Caleb checked. Cad's inexperience made Caleb more cautious, though the sight of the man he loved so fully absorbed in his bliss had him distracted.

"Yes, please…" Cad panted. Caleb guided him down, trembling as he felt Cad sink onto him. They held still, breathing. Caleb watched his Caduceus, a look of joy and serenity washing over him. Cad had pictured this, but his imagination could not have supplied the feeling of coming home that it gave him. 

"I love you." Caleb whispered. His hand reached out and caught Cad's hand. He kissed it, and raised his hips, encouraging Cad to move. Cad shivered. "Wow...wow. Oh. Okay" he was shocked and overwhelmed, but in the best of ways. With Caleb to guide him, his hands massaging over his body while his cock slid deliciously inside of him, Caduceus couldn't last long, and his pleasure, the sight and the sound of it we're more than enough to pull Caleb with him when Caduceus came, crying out, gripping tight to his Caleb. 

Caleb cleaned them up, pressing soft kisses along Cad's body as he went. When he climbed back into bed, he was immediately wrapped up in a melty pink firbolg. 

"Thank you, Caleb."

"For what?"

"For coming home to me. For_ you."_

Caleb laughed softly. "I should be thanking you. You are the reason I have a 'me' to give. Thank you for being a home I can come back to."

Caleb rolled over and tucked himself in to Cad's shoulder. "Sleep well, liebling."

Cad hugged Caleb close and breathed him in. "Sleep well."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just love them y'all.
> 
> Might do some slight editing on this to make it a stand alone for folks who don't want to read 90k words of fan fiction. 🙃
> 
> Also, tea notes: yes, that is a blend of sleepy tea + aphrodisiac ingredients. Caduceus Clay is cute.


	20. Making Peace

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> SPOILERS for Episode 89
> 
> As the Nein continue their stay in Rexxentrum, we deal with some internal struggles, and also have a lot of family bonding.
> 
> Oh, and Yasha lets someone win a fight. For Reasons.
> 
> Content Warning: Mild torture at the beginning of the chapter (dream sequence, but it is there). Unhealthy coping mechanisms (Yasha). I do not condone using physical pain as a means of coping with internal trauma. I do condone working out after a hangover, although I am bad at doing so.

Caleb was cold, and something heavy was cutting into his wrists: iron shackles, chained to the floor, long enough to allow him to stand, but he felt too heavy to try. The walls were bare stone. It was dark, save for a flickering torch by the cell door.

Cell.

He knew this place. It was the Vergessen Sanitorium. 

Suddenly the room flooded with an oppressively bright light, not a lantern, but something white, cold even in its brilliance, like sun on snow: inescapable.

"Welcome home, Bren, or I suppose Caleb is what you are calling yourself these days. I think there was a Philip as well? But let's stick with your real name. No need to confuse your mind any further. After all, this is a place of healing. Stability. You have forgotten yourself. It's why we had to bring you here in the first place. A shame, you seem only to have gotten worse since you left our care so...abruptly."

Trent came into view, one glowing orb, the source of the blinding luminescence, steadily floating above him. He scratched something into the journal he held. Research notes. A whole book dedicated to Bren. One of many. 

"No no, don't get up." 

Caleb struggled, finding his energy sapped.

"You'll need your strength. A broken mind is hard to heal."

Trent crouched in front of Caleb, taking his chin in hand gently. "Oh, Bren. I tried to do this the easy way. Did you know Wulf begged me to let you just stay with him? Just separate you from your vagabond group and go back home to him? Begged me. Thought he could _ help _ you. And Astrid." Trent had the look of a father on the verge of tears. "Our poor Astrid tried to win you back. She didn't want to see you in here again. Even after what you did to her the last time. She kept those scars, as a reminder of you. And she still wanted you, but oh, no. You wouldn't come back even for her. I was sure, after all your childish antics, after everything you put me through during your training, sneaking about in the night, wasting yourselves on each other, I was sure that you would at least have the compassion to come back for one of your _ loves _." He said the word like it was a hair in his stew. 

"But I was wrong. You don't love, do you Bren? You use. You connive. You manipulate. In the right hands you could be a very good tool, but you refuse to see reason. At first I thought it was sentimentality, but the way you cast Astrid and Wulf aside, I must say, you are darker than I thought. You aren't just a traitor to the Empire, you didn't just indulge your self righteous delusions, you are selfish, disloyal, and heartless. What was it you three used to say? 'Together to the end?' seems that was just until you lost interest, until you found something more _ exotic _ to whet your appetite."

Bren spoke, his voice hard, teeth gritted, though he could feel tears in his throat. "You made me murder my parents. They were innocent people and I executed them, because you told me _ that _ was loyal. They weren't traitors. And Astrid knew that. She was still willing to kill for you. She still thinks I should be. That's not love or loyalty. It’s sick. You are the one who should be in chains."

Trent dropped his hand from Bren's face, wiping it on a handkerchief as he stood. "Ah. So you think you've found ‘real’ love have you? Figured it all out? Let's see, shall we? Let us see.

Your parents may not have been traitors but you and your friends certainly are. Heroes of the Dynasty? Friends of the queen, your homeland's enemy? Bren, whatever crimes I convinced you of in your parents, you have done worse. Murdered an official of the empire, stole his scrying ward, committed treason in turning over an artifact of the empire to strengthen the opposing army. Let's see if your newfound sense of love and justice can tell you what to do next. ** _Wulf!_ **"

At Trent's call, Wulf entered, dragging a tall, hooded figure into the room. He was thrown to the floor in front of Caleb, his hands bound behind him, his feet shackled. The gauzy linen tunic and pale green trousers were enough to identify him. Wulf removed the hood from Caduceus, his face bruised, wincing at the light. He smiled weakly when he saw Caleb, relieved that he was alive. 

"We will be back for the rest of your friends, but since this one was already in your bed, I thought it was a perfect opportunity for a lesson." He paused and looked at Eodwulf, who was trying not to stare at Caleb. His hands flexed uncomfortably, and he could not mask the hurt in his eyes. 

"You may go, Wulf. This is not your lesson." It was a command. Wulf nodded curtly and obeyed. Caleb's heart ached. He wanted to reach for Caduceus. He wanted to stop Wulf from leaving. He needed a way out. Trent was talking again.

"...let you choose how we deal with this particular traitor. I can interrogate him, and then dispose of him while you watch. Take him apart, oh so slowly…" Trent circled Cad like a vulture. He brushed the hair aside from Caduceus cheek. Cad looked sick. "He's a perfect canvas. There's so much room for me to leave my mark---"

"No! Don't touch him." Caleb growled, and he got to his feet, preparing a spell in his mind. Trent eyed him with a smile, and continued: "_ or _ , you can kill him. I won't even make you play with him. Just kill him as quickly and painlessly as you can. Your parents may not have been traitors but this _ creature _" he sneered, "has conspired and acted against your king and your country. Show me Bren. Show me you know how to love now. That you know what is right. Or will you let him suffer?" 

Trent crouched again, this time beside Caduceus, a thin, curved knife in his hand. He traced it delicately over Cad's face, twisting slowly, applying just enough pressure to peel back the skin on his cheek. Cad bit back a cry. 

"STOP!" Caleb was desperate. "Stop--let him go!" 

Trent smiled, and peeled further, an inch back, then pressed the skin down hard, and stood, oozing back over to Bren.. 

"You want to stop his pain, don't you, Bren? Can you punish him yourself? Make it quick, Bren. _ Sunflower _, he calls you? End it, Sunflower. Help him." Trent took a rolled pouch from his belt and opened it, putting its contents on display for Caleb, who knew them all too well. "Unless you would prefer he met with these." Trent’s personal tools glinted in the light, sharp, precise instruments of pain.

"No." Caleb whispered. "No. Please…"

"Then do as you're told, Bren, or his suffering will be anything but quick, and it will be all your fault."

Trent took Caleb's hand with alarming strength, and pointed Caleb's palm at Caduceus. Tears were streaming down Caleb's face. Caduceus was kneeling, facing Caleb, fear in his eyes, a fleeting hope that maybe somehow Caleb could stop this, then a stillness. He was trying to make peace with his death.

Caleb felt heat building in his hand. He turned at the last second, forcing a firebolt into Trent's face--only to hear Trent's laughter, and see Caduceus' body, burning. 

"NO!"

* * *

"NEIN!"

"Caleb, Caleb, Caleb!" 

Caduceus looked terrified, his palm pressed flat against Caleb's hand, the other arm wrapped around him, holding Caleb steady. Caleb woke, smelling burned flesh and seeing smoke rise from between their hands.

It was early. 4:12 a.m. Caleb's eyes cleared. He looked even more frightened than Caduceus.

"C-cad?" Caleb stammered. "What…?"

"You were having a nightmare. You were calling out in your sleep, and then you…um...your hand...you were casting..."

Caleb tried to make sense of that. He tried to believe that this was real, that the dream was false. He knew what time it was here. He hadn't in his dream. Trent could not have known all of those things about him, about Caduceus. He could not have dodged that spell. But that smell was still there. Caleb slowly pulled his hand away from Caduceus'. He examined Cad's palm in the low light, it was red, peeled and bleeding. "Caduceus--" Caleb was frantic, he started to shake, "Oh Cad, I am, I am so so sorry..."

Cad pushed himself more upright, and pulled Caleb against his chest. "No, don’t apologize. I’m fine. Just fine, Cay. Not a problem." He took a deep breath and focused on the spot. It glowed a pale green, the flesh closing over slowly, covered in moss. "Brush it away." He nudged Caleb. Caleb followed the instruction, and inspected the clean, healed skin beneath. His fingers traced the skin, studying, trying to make certain that there was no sign of fire left on Caduceus.

"See? No harm done." Caduceus assured him. Caleb curled up into him, feeling disconnected from his body, unable to find solid ground. Caduceus pushed Caleb's head to his own heart, his hand stroking over the man's hair as the slow, steady beat worked into Caleb's brain. He listened for Caleb's breathing to slow, and match the thrumming sound.

"Do you want to tell me?" The question was gentle, and without expectation.

Caleb breathed in shakily. "I…I...the asylum. Trent...he made me...he had you, and I had to…" His words trembled and broke apart. A silent sob wracked his body, and he clung to Caduceus.

"Caleb, sweetheart. It's alright. Don't force it. I think I understand. I'm here. We're safe. Our friends are safe. I’ve got you.”

Caduceus knew better than to hope Caleb would be through the worst of this experience on their first night in Rexxentrum. He had hoped that Caleb would get some uninterrupted sleep, but he had known better than to expect it. 

“I’ve never...it’s never...Caduceus.” Caleb grabbed Cad’s hand again, inspecting, trying to prove to himself that Cad wasn’t hurt.

“Never what?”

“I’ve never cast like that--not since I was _ there _. I don’t even know if I did it then, or if Astrid just wanted me to think I had…” Caleb was spiraling. Words came out in fragments, and he was shivering uncontrollably, starting to pull away from Cad, but not sure where he was going, what he was doing. Cad let go, but his hand followed Caleb cautiously.

“Caleb. No one got hurt, and you have me. We stopped it before it did any damage, and I am fine.”

“But what if you weren’t? What if you hadn’t woken up? What if--”

“But I did wake up.”

“But you might now always.”

“What does Nott do when this happens?” Caduceus tried to change his focus, and avoid Caleb sinking further down his current thought path.

Caleb shook his head. “I don’t...know. This doesn’t happen. Cad, this **doesn’t happen**.” Caleb met Cad’s eyes and pleaded silently for help.

"Maybe not the spell, but you’ve had nightmares before. And today you went to that...horrible place. The sanitorium. I can't imagine what that put you through. I think you are trying to make sense of things. You have pictured and feared this day for so long. Part of you is...probably trying to understand that, to understand everything that happened today, and all the old parts of your life it dragged up. Sometimes dreams are how we try to understand reality. It was more intense this time, because you were so close to something so harmful from your past.” 

Caleb sat with Cad’s words. Caduceus let him have the silence. He kissed Caleb’s temple and got out of bed. Finding his shirt flung on the chair, he wrapped Caleb in it. “I’m going to make us some tea.”

He made Caleb the same sleep-encouraging draught he had at home in Xhorhas, but skipped the valerian root. He did not want to risk further upsetting Caleb’s dreams.

Caleb clung to Cad’s tunic, huge on him, but it smelled like his cleric, and that was soothing. He rubbed the silken fabric of the longer sleeve between his fingers, breathing deeply, as if he could inhale Caduceus’ calm. 

Cad's reasoning made sense. This hadn’t happened before, but everyone in the Mighty Nein had seen Caleb’s night terrors. Being back in Rexxentrum, seeing Trent and Astrid and Wulf all in the same day--and having none of those encounters go the way he had thought...being back in the sanitorium...of course it had affected him. There was no way it wouldn’t have. But he couldn’t be sure that it would stop. He didn’t know when the nightmares would go back to normal, if they would, or what to do to keep himself from casting. Of course, he couldn’t cast firebolt in his sleep. He would need spell components. He didn’t have those. He could only create a flame...but a flame was enough. He tried to breathe into Caduceus’ shirt. It made him feel far away from flames. Deep in a forest, somewhere green and safe.

Soon Cad returned to the bed, handing him tea. A distant part of Caleb’s brain was amused at how comfortable Caduceus was, sitting naked, sipping tea. He wished he could be in that part of his brain and just enjoy this. Of course, Cad didn’t see any reason to be afraid or ashamed of himself. He just _ was _, and that was good. Caleb wanted that.

“You look a little more yourself.” Cad tucked back a strand of Caleb’s hair. “How do you feel?”

Caleb stared into his teacup. “I feel...I feel like I am burning my whole life to the ground. Like there are always going to be fires.”

“Mm.” Cad breathed in deeply. “Caleb, can I tell you something about my home?”

“Ja, okay.” He retreated into Cad’s shirt, until Caduceus shifted to lean with Caleb against the headboard and Caleb could press into him, grounding.

“There are fires in the woods around my home sometimes. Wildfires. They start naturally, and they go out when the rains come. Sometimes we help put them out when they get too big. I used to be afraid of them, until my father showed me all the plants that grew from the ashes. The fire created the exact soil the forest needed for new life. That doesn’t mean the fires get to burn out of control, but there are fires. We can’t keep them from happening, but we can grow from them. 

I like the fire you put in me. I like it very much. But _ this _ fire is different,” and Caduceus took Caleb’s right hand, rubbing his palm, where the flame had kindled “and it isn’t for always. Even if it started on its own, we’re watching it. We’ll take care of it together. It’s trying to cleanse something, and you’re going to grow beautiful things from those ashes. You already are, love.” 

“I don’t want to hurt you with it.”

“Then it’s a good thing you take a healer to bed.” Cad quipped. Caleb looked up at him and Caduceus caressed his cheek. He leaned in and Caleb met his kiss, though cautious at first. He relaxed into that welcoming space and then let Cad hold him until they finished their tea. 

The sun was just beginning to peek over the horizon, turning the night a pale purple.

Caleb started to nod, but fought against it. Cad set aside their tea and scooted down, pulling Caleb with him, onto his chest. “Let’s get a little more sleep, Sunflower.”

“Nein.” Caleb whispered. “I can’t. It might…I have to…" His voice was so heavy, so tired.

“Caleb.” The way Caduceus said his name told him everything he needed. It told him to breathe. To be still. At least to try.

Caleb sighed. "I just can’t trust that it won’t come back. That he won’t come back.”

“Which he?”

“Trent. Bren. _ Me _.”

“Cay, maybe this dream happened because you are trying to push away and hide from things you can’t hide from anymore. Maybe you have grown...past that. Maybe your mind wants some space to be allowed to be everything that it is, without hiding. It's hidden for so long, maybe the fire was your only way of breaking out."

“I...I am not that person anymore.”

“You aren’t. Not entirely. But that’s still part of you, and that part matters too. I love you. That means all of you. Whatever parts you bring me. Bren, Caleb, fires, oceans, whatever it is, if it’s you, I am here for it. I love you, Caleb. _ Ich liebe dich." _Caduceus was a little clumsy in the delivery, but all the more sincere for it. 

Caleb breathed in his Caduceus. He felt the war he had been fighting against himself shift slightly as Cad cleared his fears away like cobwebs. Caduceus loved him...all of him. Even Bren. The fears were maybe not gone for good, but they were not crowding so close now.

They laid there together as Caduceus stroked soothing lines down Caleb’s back, and Caleb hugged tightly to his waist. Sleep finally took him, and Caduceus smiled at the sound of his snore.

* * *

Though Cad was usually the first up, by the time Caleb and Caduceus finally made their way down to breakfast, even Jester was cheerfully about, drinking what appeared to be milk and sugar with the word “coffee” whispered into it. A loud wolf-whistle came from the back corner of the table, where Nott was making eyebrows at both of the men.

“Sleep well, boys?” She teased. Caleb made no mention of how his night had gone, for better or worse, but rather grabbed the cup of coffee Beau was offering. Oh he had missed this. There were many things Caduceus did right, and while he did make lovely coffee, it had nothing on the coffee in Rexxentrum. This was real coffee.

Caduceus smiled lazily, hardly taking his eyes off Caleb. “We had a beautiful night.” He sat next to Nott, eating the vegetables off her plate, which she had no intention of touching. He patted her head, covering the entirety of her face with his fingers.

“Hey. Cow man. A lady needs to see.” She pushed his hand off of her, but gave him a quick smile. She knew from the subtext of Caleb’s note that he needed Caduceus. This place was a continuous nightmare for him, and Caduceus had made sure he was safe. Caduceus loved her boy. She could not thank him enough for that.

Beau finished up her breakfast, working on convincing Caleb to get out of the inn. Maybe focus on something better than his past.

“Jester, Caleb and I are going to hit the library today. Wanna join?”

Jester was delighted to be included. She and Beau hadn't spent as much time together lately, and Jester was afraid she'd done something wrong. Even after Beau assured her that was certainly not the case, Jester felt unsure. Despite appearances, Jester was always nervous, now that she’d found friends and a place she belonged, that it might all go away, and she’d be alone again. It meant a lot to be wanted.

“I’ll come!” Caduceus volunteered before anyone asked. Caleb raised an eyebrow. Cad was not one for research, and the tone in his voice didn’t suggest that he was planning to go for Caleb’s moral support. He was entirely too cheerful.

“You _ cannot _ play your bone flute.” Beau jabbed a finger in his direction, and Cad’s face fell instantly. “Oh. But--it’s a place of study, and I need to _ study _ this flute. I need to practice.” Everything about the sentence and his tone belied a troublemaker, even with his puppy-dog-eyes. Caleb was amused and intrigued by this side of Caduceus. He was however, grateful not to have to worry about getting thrown out of another library when Beau refused to back down.

“Fine. I’ll go to the courtyard. Yasha? Want to join me?” 

“I would love to Caduceus. I have some reading to do and I think that would be the perfect spot.” She helped herself to a very large cup of coffee. She kind of liked listening to Cad's flute.

While the others sorted out their plans for the day, Beau and Caleb took off to the library. Caleb's homework took a considerable part of his thoughts, but Beau wasn't quite ready to think about her studies yet.

“Hey man. I...can we talk a second?”

“We are talking right now, Beauregard.” Caleb reminded her. He stared pointedly straight ahead, a smirk hiding in the corner of his mouth.

"Fuck you. You know what I meant." 

Caleb sighed. "Ja. We can talk."

"You don't have to be okay with this. With working with Trent, with the Assembly. Like, I know you're not okay, and you might have gotten it past other people, but I know you weren't studying last night. I don't know where you went, but you scared Caduceus. And me. I don't want to see you torture yourself with your past. And I don't want to find you dead because you tried to deal with it alone." 

Caleb didn't answer, and Beau filled the silence. 

"Look. I just want you to know, you're not on your own anymore. I've got your back. We all do, but, if you need anything, tell me, okay? I care about you, dick. Don't fucking scare me like that."

She punched his arm. To her surprise, he bumped into her affectionately.

"Beauregard, I--thank you. I will try."

"Any chance you'd tell me where you went?"

He paused before giving his answer.

"Astrid. I...I had to try, Beauregard. It's hard to give up on people. You know about that I think."

"Yeah. You still have feelings for her?"

Caleb shook his head. "It's...long gone. I knew that."

"But you had to see it."

Caleb ducked his head in agreement.

"Does Caduceus know?"

"Everything."

Beau smiled. "I'm proud of you. It's good that you're being so transparent with him. I know that's hard for you."

"It is _ so _difficult. But I like it."

They walked on for a while before the uncomfortable silence of serious conversation started to bother her. "So, your grave digger boyfriend seems pretty enthusiastic about his new musical instrument. He any good at playing _ your _ bone flute?" Beau grinned.

Caleb laughed, his ears turning red. "I am not discussing my sex life with you, Beauregard."

"That good, huh?"

* * *

While Caleb tried to dodge Beau, and throw himself into the work of restoring Nott, Caduceus was taking a much slower morning. He made himself an actual breakfast before taking a pot of tea out into the courtyard. He enjoyed the sun on his face and the sounds of birds calling to each other, until other voices caught his ear. Off to one side, Jester and Fjord were attempting some sort of work out, though Fjord was definitely lagging. Cad couldn't help but smile at Jester's not-so-subtle flirtation. It was sweet. 

They finished somewhere around Cad's third cup of tea, Fjord wearing a furious blush only partially from exertion, Jester grinning to herself as they passed him. Caduceus smiled back at her and offered a high five. She smacked his hand hard, giggling. "Very smooth, Ms. Lavorre."

"Do you think it was too much?"

"What? No. No of course not. I think you've won him over more than he lets on. He's just shy. And you did pretty impressively outdo him. His pride might be stinging a little. He probably wanted to show off to you. Maybe. I honestly know almost nothing about these things."

"You seem to be doing pretty well for somebody who knows _ nothing, _Caduceus." 

"With Caleb? I wasn't really trying. It just happened." He smiled to himself, tracing the rim of his teacup. "My family says that's how it goes. You don't look for love. It'll just find you, when it's supposed to."Jester glanced towards where Fjord had gone and decided to take a seat with Caduceus. He immediately produced a cup for her as well.

"That's beautiful. Do you really think that's how it goes?" 

"I don't think I know how it goes at all. It's probably different for different people. But I wasn't looking for the Mighty Nein when they found me, and I wasn't looking for a partner, ever, really. So, maybe there's something to it."

"I just wish I knew, you know? Like, if I was going to end up with someone who loves me and thinks I’m special. It would just help when it felt like... like maybe I'm not."

"Miss Jester, no matter what else happens in your life, you are very much loved, and you are one of the most special, charming, delightful people I have ever met. And I can promise you that people, including certain green, tusk-growing people, notice." 

Jester smiled shyly into her tea. "Thanks, Caduceus. You're a really good friend...

Wait, you said love. You said love?!?! "

"I did?" 

"Yeah! You said love finds you!"

"Oh. Yeah. That."

"Did you--did it find _ you _ ?!?! ARE YOU GUYS IN LOVE?!?! Did you tell him? Did he say it back? Did he tell you? Tell. Me. **Everything!**"

* * *

Caleb tried admirably to focus on Halas' notes, and make some sense of how he might build on them to give Nott back her form, but his mind wandered continuously to another project. He had kept the silencing shackle from the Happy Fun Ball, and seeing Trent again renewed his energy towards trying to make it work. If he could silence that man...yes, taking his casting abilities away was part of it, but the thought that he would never be able to twist and manipulate anyone else was just as rewarding. 

However, those thoughts took him back to his nightmares, and back to all the things he feared here. He didn't make much progress on either of his projects, but he felt fully exhausted by the time he and Beau returned to the Camarouth Cottage. He immediately dropped himself into one of the armchairs by the hearth in the common room. He tipped his head back and closed his eyes.

Caduceus had only just come in from his flute practice, to the relief of everyone in the nearest mile. He twirled it in his hand with a flourish and tucked it into his pocket, laughing to himself. When he saw Caleb, part of him wanted to get the flute back out, but this seemed like maybe a bad time. 

It would be funny later.

Maybe a lot later.

He chose to let that opportunity go. Instead he knelt in front of Caleb, putting them almost eye to eye. He placed his hand over Caleb's. 

"Hey there. How was the library?"

Caleb cracked an eye open, flipping his palm up to accept Cad's hand. "It was...not as I had hoped, I'm afraid." 

Nott climbed up on the other side of the chair. "Does that mean you didn't get anywhere on my spell?"

" I did, a little bit. But not as much as I thought I might. I'm sorry, _schatz_ . I'm trying."

"Don't push yourself too hard, Caleb. I trust you. I know you'll get it." Nott reassured him.

Caleb nodded. “I think I found a point I can work on. I just...things got in the way today.” Caduceus squeezed Caleb’s hand. He had a hunch about what had gotten in the way.

Nott glanced over at Caduceus, trying to see if there was more going on with Caleb than he was telling. Caduceus gave her a knowing look.

“Are you okay?” Nott asked. “Did something happen? Did you see someone while you were gone?” 

Caleb thought about telling her what had happened last night, about visiting Astrid. About his dreams. But he didn’t feel ready yet. He knew he could be honest, he should be honest with her, but he didn’t have the energy. 

“No. Not today, not at the library. It is just...it is a lot, to be back at study here.” 

Caleb’s best friend nodded her head. That was enough of an explanation for her. “Want a drink?” She offered her flask, and Caleb took it gratefully, his other hand reflexively brushing a thumb over the back of Cad’s hand. Caleb felt a little fawned over, the way both of them looked after him. It reminded him somewhat of his school days, but quite different. Here was support, and love, and there was no demand or expectation that he muscle up and get over the things that unsettled him. Rather, they were just with him, listening, giving him space. Reminding him he was not alone.

"Do you want to go lay down?" Nott offered. "A nap wouldn't be a bad thing before we go out tonight." 

"No. I don't..I don't want to sleep. We are going out again?"

"Oh, right. You missed that. They didn't get to do any actual competing yesterday. They're signed up for tonight though. And you're coming with us. No arguing. I don't want you staying off on your own again." 

Caleb sighed. "Fine. " He returned Nott's flask. "Then I think I could use an ale, and a good book. Maybe something light. Beach reading." He couldn't focus any more on serious material today. But his beach reading material was seriously lacking. He was getting a bit bored of the now nearly memorized pages of _ Tusk Love _ , and while the _ Salty Sea _ was more his current cup of tea, it was just as familiar. A photographic memory made light rereading less rewarding. 

"Oh! Oh I have something for that!" Nott took off upstairs. 

Caduceus took their momentary privacy to check on Caleb. "You're sure you're alright? Did you have any more problems... like your dream?" 

"No. I just can't get it out of my head. I need a distraction and I'm... afraid I'm not so good at those."

"Need to slow down?" Caduceus' ears swished. He was leaning in closer, not a care for anyone who might be watching, though the room was mostly empty. Caleb couldn't help but smile. He wondered again how long Cad had gone without physical touch from another person before they found him. He clearly loved it, needed it, and the more Caleb introduced him to, the more he wanted. 

Caleb stroked Caduceus' ear, enjoying the way it melted his firbolg. He let go as he saw Nott bounding back down the stairs. "Not just now, _ liebling. _Soon, maybe?"

"Here! And before you say anything, yes, I did buy it. With real money."

Nott handed Caleb a simply bound book, _ Wayward Wanderer. _ "It's about a guy who gets lost in the Fey Wilds and all kinds of crazy stuff happens. I don't really know, because honestly I wasn't listening, but the book man said it was very good, and there's smut for you. I checked."

Caleb laughed. "This is perfect, _ schatz _, thank you." Caleb kissed her forehead. 

Caduceus got off of the floor. "Alright then. Ale for you, love?" Caleb nodded. "Ja, please." 

"I'm getting tea. Nott?" 

Nott held up her flask in answer and Cad nodded, heading up to the bar. Dinner would start being served in about an hour, which gave them the pick of lounging spaces. They moved to a worn leather sofa, partly so Caduceus wouldn't have to sit on the floor when he came back.

"Love, huh?"

Caleb smiled.

"You told him?"

Caleb nodded, his smile growing.

"No wonder you wanted your own room last night."

Caleb raised his eyebrows conspiratorially and Nott laughed. "Well at least one of us is getting some."

"I'll get you back to Yeza soon, as yourself. I promise."

"You'd better. And you're going to babysit for me for at least two full days after."

Caleb laughed. "Fair. Will you sit with me while I read, Nott the Brave?" 

"Of course Caleb. Do you need anything?"

"Just the company of my best friend."

Nott tucked under one of Caleb's arms, working on a button necklace while Caleb read in silence. Caduceus returned and his heart jumped. He loved this, the people he cared about piled up with each other. It felt very much like home, like when his mom and his aunt would read together in the big armchair, or his siblings when they were small, all piled onto his father to nap. Cad slid himself behind Caleb, placing the ale in his hand wordlessly. He busied himself braiding Caleb's hair. Nott would take a bead or button that she thought suited him and hand it to Caduceus to work into Caleb's braid, and occasionally Caleb would brush Nott's hair or turn his head and place a tiny kiss on Cad, wherever he could reach, before returning to his book. 

One by one the rest of their friends returned to the cottage and its common room, deciding to join them. Yasha resumed her reading, sitting on the floor propped against Caduceus. Jester nearly squealed at the sight of them, and leapt into the last open space on the couch, next to Nott. She immediately started to sketch them together like this. She was particularly excited to catch Caleb with his guard down, a smile in his eyes as he snuggled into Caduceus and Nott. Beau peered over her shoulder, approving, winked at Jester and dropped herself on the floor next to Yasha.

It was Fjord who broke the silence. "What is all this?" He asked amused, if also surprised at the unseasonably cozy scene. 

"Shut up Fjord and just get over here." Jester demanded. He did, sitting at her feet, and was immediately rewarded with a scalp massage. 

Only then did Caleb look up from his book to notice the rest of his friends, gathered around his reading spot.

"Oh. Hallo everyone."

* * *

Hours later, they were milling about the King’s Cut Butcher Shop, waiting for the last of the legitimate patrons to leave. Caleb, having caught none of this the night before, was anxiously hanging around in the corner. “Why are we here?” He hissed to Nott. “Shouldn’t we be...getting a move on? These people are trying to close…” He felt very uncomfortable.

Nott looked up at him. “_ Yes. _ They _ are _ trying to close. Which is why _ we _are here.”

“Oh--Oh. I see.” Catching on to the type of fighting ring his friends had managed to find, Caleb busied himself among the shelves until finally, after several failed attempts at whatever pass phrase they were supposed to know, the Mighty Nein were permitted below, into the fighting pit: the Stone Coffin.

A decently stocked bar, tables and chairs raised up on either side of the pit greeted them. Caleb found the bookie rather quickly, and eager to show support, put down bets on his friends, doubling his wager on Beau.

Beau was flattered. “Really?”

“Ja, well, you are my ringer, Beauregard. I have no doubt in your abilities, so no matter what else happens,” he looked surreptitiously over his shoulder at Fjord, “I know I will come out ahead.”

As the others took their places in the fight, Caduceus, Jester, Caleb and Nott found a table one on side, treating themselves to Mai Tais, apparently a special at the bar. Well, Caleb and Nott did. Jester and Cad stuck to their preferences of no alcohol, but Caleb was able to get Jester a non-alcoholic version, placing it in front of her as he took his seat between the two clerics. Cad found it too sweet for his taste, not at all surprising to Caleb.

They watched as Beau dominated her opponent, somewhat reluctantly as the man looked a bit like a half-drowned cat _ before _ the fight.

They watched Fjord unfortunately get his ass handed to him. Jester covered her face, peeking through her hands. “Oh, Fjord. I knew I should have talked him out of this.”

“No.” Caduceus said calmly. “I think this is good for him. He actually did pretty well, and he’s learning. Not fun, but I do think he’s learning.”

“Caleb, should I say something to him?” Jester worried.  
“Not yet, I think. He’ll see it as pity, and he doesn’t want to be pitied. Maybe just buy him a drink, after Yasha’s done.”

“Looks like she’s up now.” Cad observed.

“Hey...where’s Nott?” Caleb looked around, immediately starting to panic. They were in Rexxentrum and Nott was missing. Nott was missing, but he knew no one had followed them. He’d made sure of that. He nearly ripped his coat pulling the wire out of his pocket.

“_ Schatz _, where did you go?” He tried to mask the anxiety in his voice, with moderate success. 

“Oh, sorry Caleb. I’m fine. Just doing some late night shopping. Not far. I’ll be back in a bit. You can reply to this message.”

“If you see anything funny about, I want you to message me immediately. I will be right there. Be careful. Don’t trust anyone.” 

“I’m fine, Caleb. And I will. Enjoy the fight. Drink another Mai Tai. You’re too wound up.”

Caleb was starting to feel a little guilty. He hadn’t told her where he went yesterday. He was asking her to do a lot of things he had been unwilling to do himself. 

“Everything okay?” Caduceus asked. 

Caleb gave a weak smile. “Ja. She is...shopping?”

“Aww! I would have gone. I hope she brings us back something good.”

“There is honestly no telling with that one.” Caleb smiled. 

They turned their attention to Yasha, whose fight was not going as easy as Beau’s, but not as quickly lost as Fjord’s. It became apparent to them, as people who had fought alongside and occasionally against her on a regular basis, that something was off. 

“Is she...trying to get hurt?” Jester whispered to Caleb and Caduceus.

“Why would she do that?” Caduceus asked. He thought about the reasons and wondered. He didn’t understand, per se, but he thought of how similar this might to Caleb’s scratching. Maybe this was a similar kind of itch.

“Oh.” Caleb recognized this. Cad and Jester both looked at him, but he didn’t offer an answer immediately. The longer the fight went on, the harder it got to watch. Cad had an arm around Caleb, his long reach extending to touch Jester’s shoulder. She pressed in close on the other side.

“Should we do something?” She asked.

“There is nothing we can do--and I do not think she would like it if we tried. She is...working something out. Making peace with things.”

Caduceus nodded. He thought of how Caleb’s mind tried to make peace on its own last night, when Caleb had not given it any other outlet. He could see the connection.

“I don’t like this you guys.” 

“I know.” Caleb answered Jester. “And you don’t have to. But you...cannot take this from her. This is probably the safest place for her to do this.”

* * *

In the ring, Yasha let the pain of this battle sink into her body. Every hit felt like another strike against Obann. It felt like washing out every part of control that someone else had taken from her. It was clean and pure and strong. She goaded her opponent. She hurled insults, taunts, anything to make them come after her harder, to fight back more. She finally had something physical to pour that anger into, the anger she felt at herself, the fear of her own weakness.

“Come on, champion. Is that all? **Hit. Me.”**

When Yasha finally hit the ground, as her consciousness slipped from her, she smiled. She had found a little corner of peace. The champion, Kal Dimmins, took the fastest exit out, not sure what to make of the fight that just transpired, but wanting nothing more to do with it.

Caleb patted Jester and Caduceus on the knees. “We should go congratulate her.” and he stood.

Jester and Caduceus exchanged looks and shrugged as Caleb led the way down into the pit, stopping at the bar to order another Mai Tai.

When they met Yasha, she was cleaning her face off with a rag. Caleb held the drink out her. She cocked her head curiously. “I get it.” was all he said, and he raised his glass to her. She nodded, grateful.

“Did you...find what you were looking for, Yasha?” Caduceus asked. His understanding nature showed through, despite his confusion at her choices.

“I think so. A little. A start at least.”

“Good.”

“Can you just, try maybe next time to find it in a way that doesn’t scare me so much?” Jester asked. Yasha laughed. “No promises Jester, but thank you for your concern. I can try.”

* * *

Outside, the air was clean, and lighter than the sweat-and-blood saturated breathing space of the Stone Coffin. Caleb immediately looked around for Nott, who appeared, laden with hats. Caleb made note of the hat shop on the other side of the butchers, which had been closed when they arrived and still was. 

“Shopping, Nott the Brave?” Caleb asked with a cheeky grin.

“I bought you a book today. Leave me alone. Here.” She plopped a very kitch, green felt hat on his head, something reminiscent of the Zemni fields...if you had never been there but read all the wrong stories about them. It even had a bushy feather brush in it. Caleb laughed. It was good. She distributed hats to all of them, keeping a large top hat for herself. Fjord resumed his false accent to fit the enormous cowboy hat he’d been given, to Nott’s utter delight, and Jester used a ribbon to fasten her lacy doll's top hat to her head. 

“That’s...adorable, Jess.” Beau said, uncharacteristically shy.

“Hey--I could use another one of these things…” Yasha had taken the Mai Tai with her out of the pit. Want to find some place?” 

Caleb willingly obliged. “Follow me.”

At a pub a few blocks away they crammed into a booth not quite large enough for them, which had everyone smushed shoulder to shoulder. Caduceus couldn’t stop toying with the brush in Caleb’s hat, batting at it distractedly. By Caleb’s second Mai Tai, he was jut enjoying it. He looked up at Caduceus. “You know, your hat has a tassel too.” 

“It does. But It’s not as fluffy. And this one’s on you.” 

They were all in high spirits by the time they made their way back to the Camarouth Cottage, singing together, not unlike Caduceus’ first night in Zedash, but with less of the bitterness to color the sweet. Cad and Caleb were both thinking about that night as the songs ended and they entered the deserted entryway of their lodgings.

Beau linked arms with Fjord. “Captain, I’m bunking with you tonight” and she pushed a glass of water into his hand. 

“What’s this for?” Fjord demanded.

“You’re going to be glad for it tomorrow morning when I wake you up for training.”

“Training? Tomorrow morning?”

“Yup.” Beau grinned. She liked the pain of a hard workout, and it was her favorite way to work off a hangover.

“Oh fuck me.” Fjord sighed.

“Not on your life buddy.” Beau laughed, and steered them towards the stairs. Staying with Fjord would also give her a break from sleeping next to two women she felt very interested in sleeping with. 

Nott stole Caleb momentarily out from under Caduceus’ arm. “You’re staying with Caduceus tonight?"

Caleb had been far from subtle about it. By the time they left the bar, he was all but in Caduceus’ lap. He’d tried to keep it cuddly, but Yasha was not the only one trying to make peace with her mind. As Caleb was working hard not to be destructive with himself while they were here...well, there were other coping skills Caduceus had been more than willing to share with him. He’d like to let everything disappear for a little, and that wasn’t something Nott could do.

“I...ja. Is that alright?”

“Of course it is, Caleb. I’m going to stay with Jester and Yasha...if you need me.” She bit her tongue, wanting to ask him if there was more he wanted to tell her about yesterday. She was a bit drunk, and while Caleb was more or less sober, this was still not the time to talk about whatever happened yesterday. 

Caleb scooped Nott up in a hug. “Sleep well, friend.”

“Sleep well, Caleb.”

* * *

When the others had gone, Caleb took Cad’s hand, leading him rather insistently up the stairs and to their room. He closed the door behind them, immediately pushing Caduceus against it, pulling him into a hungry kiss. 

“Caduceus--” Caleb breathed. “Can we--can I…” 

Cad was caught off guard by Caleb’s eagerness, but with their bodies pushed firmly against each other, he could physically feel Caleb’s desire. He didn’t know if he’d been hiding that at the bar, or if the kiss was all it took, but Caleb clearly wanted his cleric. 

“Of course--if that’s safe for you. Um, is it?”

Caleb met his eyes. Yes, he’d used sex for unhealthy coping in the past, and it had been used against him. Yes, he was looking for a break from everything Rexxentrum was to him, but with Cad this was...different.

“I’m...myself with you, Caduceus. I want that. I want you. And I want to, slow down, as you put it. But maybe just figuratively.” In truth he wanted to speed things up considerably, but mostly because of how it made the rest of the world stop, at least it did with Caduceus.

Cad smiled at him, and picked Caleb up, letting him wrap his legs around his waist.   
“Let’s get you to bed, Sunflower.” Caduceus rumbled.

* * *

Caleb woke with Cad’s head on his chest. He listened to birds singing. He felt the warmth of his lover’s naked body wrapped around him. The sun was shining through their curtains.

He hadn’t dreamed a single dream last night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took so long to write. I'm sharing my personal laptop with my partner who's in classes right now, so I've had to resort to doing a lot of writing on my phone.
> 
> Congrats, we finally get the reasoning behind the name of the story, and it only took 20 chapters!
> 
> I'm pretty pleased with how this turned out, and I am so grateful fro all the lovely thoughts and comments shared with me. You guys are absolutely wonderful, and I hope this story keeps being an enjoyable experience for you! I believe I will be rounding it out to an end in the next 5 chapters or so, because I see some really nice landing points. I may write some epilogue pieces afterwards, where I don't have to keep up with canon to write my chapters. :D
> 
> Love to you all!


	21. So Close, So Far Away

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> SPOILERS FOR EP 90-91
> 
> More aftermath in Rexxentrum, then returning home to the Xhorhaus, and working on returning our friends to themselves.
> 
> This chapter got lengthy because it was hard to decide on a cut off point in the timeline, but I think it was worth it.

Caduceus managed to coax Caleb out of bed with the promise of learning from the innkeeper how to brew coffee the way Caleb liked, though it was the fact that Cad was standing just out of reach that moved Caleb to vacate the warmth. He dragged himself up, pulling the quilt with him, and wrapped it around himself and Cad. "It is cold,  _ liebling _ ." He complained sleepily, nosing into Cad's sternum. Caduceus was helpless against this. Caleb craved him, and kept giving all the affection Caduceus had so carefully tried not to ask for. Cad found it dizzying in that wonderful, hazy summer kind of way.

"Cay…" he murmured. He embraced his human, and Caleb sighed, as if the world had finally righted itself because Caduceus was holding him.

"Sorry. I do not want to stop you if you are trying to leave...I just…" Last night had been all passion. This morning, Caleb just wanted to be held, and to give Caduceus those things he quietly and unwittingly asked for: affection, touch, proof that he was found and wanted.

"Please, don't. Don't  _ ever _ apologize to me for this." Caduceus ran his hands lovingly over Caleb’s back and pressed his body close against him.

"Ja, okay." Caleb whispered. It was endearing how that little phrase could morph itself into so many things on Caleb's lips. This one was marked by understanding: Caduceus needed Caleb too. This was not a one sided desire. Caleb wasn't fooling himself, and the truth of that was confounding to him.

Cad was beginning to regret telling Kela he'd be in the kitchen this morning. He could have kept himself well occupied with Caleb til late in the afternoon.

* * *

In the kitchen, while Caduceus learned about coffee ratios and what to look for in good beans, Caleb was sweetly and surprisingly underfoot, tucking himself into Cad's arms whenever his hands weren't immediately occupied with coffee or breakfast. He attempted to look helpful, but failed somewhat hopelessly. Caduceus wasn't complaining. Caleb was just expressing his appreciation, after the first night in a long time without nightmares. Cad couldn’t hold that against him.

Finally Kela handed Caleb a stack of plates and shooed him out of the kitchen. “Your lot will be awake soon enough. Go, lovebird. I don’t have any room for you to start building your nest in here.” Caleb ducked his head, blushing a little, and took his orders along with her good natured jab.

One helper gone, she fixed her other cooking partner with a knowing look. “I take it this is new love?”

Cad grinned. “Barely a green shoot, ma’am.” 

“That explains a lot, master gardener. Let this old lady tell you something. A happy kitchen makes a happy home. You’re off to a good start, but by the look of you, you could both stand to eat a little better, or at least a little more. Here. This cup’s ready.” she gestured to the brew Caduceus had been working on. “Better bring it to him quick. He'll be looking for you before he's done putting out those plates, I'll warrant.” She winked at him and bumped him out the door.

Caduceus found Caleb blinking sleepily at his stack of plates, having only gotten as far as putting it on the table. Cad put the coffee down in front of him, wrapping one arm low across his hips, the other across his chest.

"Brought you a present." Cad's voice purred into Caleb's ear.

"Two, if you are counting the coffee." Caleb joked, leaning back into Caduceus. He picked up the mug and inhaled. It smelled heavenly. "You made this?"

"I did."

Caleb sipped. "Exquisite, Caduceus. This is excellent." He took another drink. "Easily the best coffee I have ever had."

"I don't know about that. Maybe you just like the hands that made it."

"Well I can thank you for those too, then." Caleb replied, putting down the cup and turning to thank Cad with a gentle kiss, stroking his ear.

"You are very welcome, Mr. Caleb." Caduceus rumbled, and he closed his eyes. He pushed into Caleb's hand, wishing Caleb could do that to him all day. 

They were making slow progress putting breakfast around the table when Beau came in through the front door, a healthy sheen of sweat on her skin, positively grinning. About a minute later, Fjord stumbled in behind her, looking like death warmed over.

“I cannot believe I let you talk me into that.” He panted.

“You’ll thank me later, Fjord. I’m telling you. Working out is the best cure for a hangover. That, and bacon."

Fjord collapsed in front of a plate of food Caduceus had ready. Caleb offered him a glass of water, not really asking if he wanted it.

"From personal experience, she is right, but you will want a  **lot** of water today."

"From experience? Caleb, I doubt you were ever this stupid." Fjord said miserably. 

"I was a teenager living in a dorm full of other teenagers with access to this city and a notion of perceived invincibility. And we always started the morning with calisthenics. I have done this and stupider things."

Fjord chuckled a little, until the throbbing in his skull reminded him not to.

As the others made their way down to breakfast, Caleb pulled back a bit from Caduceus, replacing his own presence with Frumpkin, winding around Cad's ankles, purring loudly, until finally Caleb noticed he was rather in the way, and had the cat jump up to Cad's shoulders, tail batting at his ears playfully. "Hey there." Cad scratched Frumpkin, winking at Caleb. 

Caleb felt foolish for how clingy he was being. It wasn’t like him, and yet...maybe it wasn't  _ clingy _ , something argued. Maybe it was just...affectionate. Caleb thought of his parents: His mother giggling from another room, his father the cause, so many evenings where the three of them cuddled close around the hearth, mornings when his parents made breakfast together. So many quiet moments in a home Bren never questioned was full of love.

He recalled one particular burned dinner thanks to Leofric's distraction over Una. They ended up dining on apples and cheese that night. There was no saving the roast, but no one seemed to mind. The memory was beautiful, and it hurt, but it made Caleb reconsider the shame he felt over wanting to shower Caduceus in that same type of affection. He had always loved his parents' relationship. As a child he had hoped to find that, in his own way. He wondered now if maybe he had, and if that would be alright. Was it even allowed? Caduceus deserved that, of course, but could Caleb?

"...it's weird." Yasha was saying as Caleb drifted back from his reflections. "Most of the book seems pretty normal, but then there are these diagrams." 

"What kind of diagrams?" Fjord looked skeptical. When Yasha showed him the marked pages, much to Jester's glee, Fjord's eyes went wide. "I do  _ not _ recall seeing anything like that when I read it."

"Well, maybe you weren't paying close attention, Fjord. Sex can be a pretty great workout, you know." Jester said with a relatively innocent tone of mischief.

"Ja, that is true, actually." Caleb agreed nonchalantly, taking another bite of his potatoes. 

Caduceus mused "Huh. I guess that would explain it…"    
He felt a slight tightness in his body, muscle groups he hadn't used in certain ways pleasantly sore. He hadn't really pieced together the cause until just now. 

Caleb's face turned beet red as the rest of their friends broke into laughter, Jester giggling with particular glee.

"Caaayleb! Are you teaching Caduceus new  _ workouts _ ?" She teased. Cad's hand strayed to Caleb's thigh under the table, giving a reassuring squeeze and smiling to himself. He liked what Caleb was teaching him.

Caleb didn't answer per se, but he peeked over Yasha's shoulder, quietly remarking "Number 3 is pretty good."

"More coffee?" Caduceus offered, feeling he'd accidentally put them both on the spot, and unsure how he was supposed to interact with all this.

"Ja. Coffee, bitte." Caleb answered, kissing Cad's hand as he handed over his cup.

"Please!" Fjord agreed.

Cad tried to sneak a look at the page in question on his way to the kitchen. He wasn't sure he totally understood it, but it could be fun, if Caleb was interested in that. He shivered happily, thinking of the things he got to learn from Caleb last night.

Beau raised her eyebrows, watching Caleb and Caduceus. Caleb shrugged at her. He was sure she had a sassy remark for him, but she mercifully kept it to herself.

* * *

With an extra day to kill in the city until Yasha and Jester's commissions we're ready, Caleb ached for something useful to do. He was dodging what he could of the overwhelming anxiety and the memories all around him, but he felt guilty trying to push it all away by using Caduceus, and truth be told, leaning into sex, even with Cad, couldn't keep his past at bay forever. Beau's suggestion of more work at the library was as likely to help as anything, and at least he'd never visited the Cobalt Reserve during his time at the Academy, so there wouldn't be that connection.

Caduceus and Jester came along this time, and Caleb was simply grateful when they didn't get themselves kicked out. Caduceus very kindly left his flute at the inn. 

Caleb researched what he could find of potential origins for the beacons and any clues there might be as to the truth of what the Assembly was saying about their latest find. Information was sparse, but he managed a few answers, and felt his brain starting to clear. He could focus a little better on some of the other problems he was wrestling with, including Nott's spell. It was past their usual dinner time when Caduceus sat down across from him, peering over the pile of books between them.

"Caleb? They're getting ready to close up for the night..."

“Mmhmm.” Caleb agreed to the Not Book speaking to him. Usually assent made Not Books leave. This one stayed. 

“Caleb.” It said his name again. He was almost there with this theorem, he was a couple steps away from sorting out how he could connect Hala’s ideas into something like a grander scale of present day polymorph casting. Transmutation was his favorite school of study and this was very much in his realm. He could almost reach it.

Another Not Book cleared its throat, and the Not Book nearest to him put its large, grey hand over the page he was reading.

_ Oh. _

Caleb looked up. “Caduceus.” He felt a little embarrassed. “Have you...been here long?” 

Cad chuckled. “Not too long. But the Cobalt Soul folks would like us to leave. No more visitors in their books today.”

“Ah. I see.” Caleb jotted down a few more notes. “That is...that is alright. I can work with what I have, I think.” He smiled, feeling a little spark of inspiration. “I think I’m close to solving Nott’s problem.” He had a little bounce in his step as he packed up his books and started to walk with Cad towards the door. Caduceus put an arm around him, which Caleb willingly accepted, though he glanced over his shoulder out of habit. 

“Did you, ah, make any progress with your own research?”

“Well, I guess, sort of. Nobody seems to know much about the Traveler. I like Jester. I just...don’t know about this god of hers. Something seems off.”

“We all want to keep her safe, Caduceus, and I agree with you. Something is unsettling to me about that too, but we will stick with her, and when we find out what it is, we’ll take care of it together.”

They caught up with Beau and Jester, and Jester immediately linked arms with Caleb, on the side opposite Caduceus. “There you are! Did you try to steal any books?”

Caleb laughed. “l thought about it, but I would not like to get into trouble with the authorities around here.”

“You could have just asked me.” Beau explained. “I’m pretty sure I’m allowed to take books out of there. Nobody’s going to stop me. I’m Expositor Beauregard Lionette!” 

Caleb smiled sarcastically, shaking his head. “How could I forget? I am sure your pristine reputation would be all we need.”

Back at Camarouth Cottage, they were greeted by a particularly lovely smelling Fjord, who looked radiant. 

“Hey there, Captain!” Beau grinned. “What did I tell ya! Workout did the trick.”

“I’m not so sure about that.” Fjord replied. “I took a little self care day...found a spa nearby--”

“A SPA! And you went WITHOUT US?!” Jester was furious. “Fjord, how could you? I want to go to a spa!” She turned to Beau. “Can we go to a spa tomorrow?”

“I don’t see why we couldn’t  _ all _ go back tomorrow. I think we’ve more than earned it.” Fjord offered. 

At the promise of getting a full day of pampering, Jester was appeased, and immediately roped the others into planning tomorrow’s activities.

Caleb pulled Nott aside. “I know how much you love water--bath houses and the like.” 

She wrinkled her nose at him. 

“Exactly.” He continued. “And I have a present for you. It needs some more work. Care to join me upstairs?”

“Sure thing, Caleb.” Caleb usually had good surprises: locks to pick, treasure stashes, a new spell. 

In their room, he showed her everything he had done so far, and the sticking point that was giving him so much trouble. Nott considered it for a while, rearranging Caleb’s notes, scrawling some of her own, walking in circles around the papers on the floor. Caleb loved watching her work. He had learned from books and studying. Nott learned by watching, trying, even inventing some of it on her own. She told everyone how smart he was, but she undersold herself a great deal, Caleb thought.

It was getting along towards midnight when someone knocked at their door. 

Caleb opened it to find Caduceus, looking tired, half dressed for bed. Cad could see the wound up light in Caleb’s eyes immediately. “Spell work is going well?”

“Very!” Caleb pointed to where Nott was lying on the floor, puzzling out a formula. He started to explain some of it, until he caught that lost-but-listening look on Cad’s face. Caleb slowed down a bit. “Sorry. This is just...we’ve been trying to work this out for years. Are you waiting up for me?”

“I was going to see if you wanted me to.” 

Caleb looked back at Nott, who hadn’t budged from her work. 

“We’ve gotten a lot done, but it might be awhile before I am ready to sleep.” He could already see the sleep heavy in Cad’s expression. He stood on his toes, taking Cad’s face in his hand. He kissed him softly. “Go to bed, liebling. I think I will be staying here tonight.”

Cad bumped his nose against Caleb’s forehead. “Don’t overwork yourselves.” he advised. “That goes for you too, Miss Nott.” 

Nott looked up at him. “Don’t worry about me, Deucy! I’ll be fine! Caleb, are you done playing kissy face? I think I’ve got something!”

Caleb laughed. Cad turned to go, but Caleb followed and grabbed his hand just outside the door. 

“Caddy…” His voice was a little anxious. “Can you...can you stay with Fjord tonight? I just...I still don’t feel good about anyone being alone here.” The vision of Cad, bound and beaten at Trent’s bidding, flashed before him. “I really don’t feel good about  **you** being alone here. We haven’t been exactly secretive, and if someone were to try to get to me, they might go through you…” 

Caduceus squeezed his hand. “I understand, Cay. It’s alright. I do. I’ll stay with Fjord. No one’s staying alone.”

“And if you wake up--if anything seems wrong, come get me.  ** _Bitte_ ** .”

Caduceus nodded. “Of course, Caleb. I’ll be safe. Don’t worry about me.” He kissed Caleb’s forehead. “Go on. Nott’s waiting for you. You have a friend to save.”

They said goodnight for another minute or so before Caleb headed back into the room. Closing the door behind him, Caleb found Nott with her hands on her hips. “You’ve got some pink Deaucy lichen on your face.” She joked. He reached to wipe it away, only realizing she was having a go at him afterwards.

“Now, if you’re quite finished with your mossy mountain of a boyfriend, come see what I’ve got.”

She really had worked out something remarkable. Caleb was fortunate to have her perspective. The ability to look at things in a different light had made all the difference. After another hour or so, Caleb felt they’d gotten as far as they could, at least for now. He wanted to compare more notes. Maybe Essek would have some ideas.

Tired, but feeling they’d made good progress, Caleb and Nott cleaned up their notes, making sure they would be able to pick up where they left off. They flopped onto the bed, sitting against the headboard and enjoying their relative success. Nott leaned her head on Caleb’s arm. “I know it’s hard for you to be here, Caleb. I...I know it’s hard, but I am so proud of you.” She looked him square in the face. He often dodged eye contact, but he knew better with Nott. “I mean it. This place is a lot for you, but you’re facing it. You’re doing so well, and doing so much for me. You’re brilliant.”

Caleb smiled at her, but looked away quickly. “I am not. You just know very few wizards.” 

“I’ve met enough to know you are a pretty remarkable one, Caleb Widogast.”

Caleb didn’t say more.

“Cay...are you sure you don’t want to try to talk to Astrid, or Wulf? If you have anything you wanted to say, we could find them. I could help.”

Caleb almost told her about Astrid. But then what? Nott would know he almost left, probably for good. She’d know he was a coward, and that as much as he cared about her, about Caduceus, about all of them, he had given in to the weakness of wondering what might have been with Astrid, and with Wulf. He’d come away knowing that wasn’t what he wanted, but having to explain all of that…

“What could I possibly say to them?” Caleb asked her, turning the question back around. “That is not my life anymore, ja? And I have all the family I need right here.” He put his arm around her.

“What about you? We are so close to getting you to yourself! Getting you home. Not putting your life on the line anymore...not having to dodge danger every day. That's...incredible! I mean, I cannot imagine what that would be like…to have your family back. How do you feel?”

Nott shifted a little. Trust Caleb to ask exactly what she didn’t want to talk about. She knew Caleb wasn’t telling her everything. He was putting on his “I’m fine” act. She guessed that was fair. She’d been doing the same to him. She was excited about the spell, yes, but she was also terrified.

Of course she missed Yeza and Luc. Of course being away from them was awful. But now that the adventure was coming to an end...was that even what she wanted? She didn’t know anymore. And the idea of leaving Caleb? Yes, she was happy for him and Caduceus. Of course she was. And she was married. But it didn’t make the feelings she had about him any less confusing, and it didn’t make her want to stop adventuring. The crush was in the past, sure, but her life had so many what ifs now. Could she just go back to being a wife, a mom, an assistant alchemist? Who was Veth Brenatto without Nott the Brave? Without the Mighty Nein?

So she lied too, and told him that the adventuring was a distraction from how much she missed her family. But Caleb saw through it. He saw her apprehension and understood enough not to push her to explain. In that way, they both understood each other perfectly well, even without saying the truth out loud.

So they talked about other things, easier things, until they were finally too tired to do much else besides crawl into bed. 

“You know, Nott the Brave, Veth Brenatto, no matter what happens, you will still be you. Don't doubt that.”

“Thank you, Caleb.”

  
  


Nott woke to a dark room, and smoke. She rolled over and saw Caleb, muttering in his sleep, gripping the bed sheet. It was smouldering, a tiny flame beginning to catch at the edge. 

“Caleb! Wake up!” 

Nott ripped the sheet out of his hand, stamping out the flames before they grew. Nott’s yelling and pulling at the blankets tore him out of sleep, in time to see her putting out the fire.

“Oh no.” 

* * *

Caleb didn’t sleep the rest of the night. Nott did, eventually. She sat up to watch him for a while, and he pretended to go back to sleep. She knew he was faking, but she couldn’t do anything about that, and she was exhausted. She woke again to find Caleb dressed, packing his bag anxiously.

“Caleb?”

“Veth, I am so sorry.”

“You said that already. Last night. And I told you not to be.”

“I should not have stayed in here with you. You could have been hurt.”

“I’m fine. We’re not talking about me right now. That’s new...the fire in your sleep. That’s not something that’s happened before?”

“Two nights ago it happened. That was the first time.”

“Oh. Do you...do you want to talk about it?”

He shook his head. “ ** _Nein_ ** . I do not want to  **talk** about it. I want it to  **stop** . I want to keep you safe. I’m such a danger to all of you. I shouldn’t be here.”

“Caleb, stop it. We’ve been through this already. You’re stressed because this place is awful. You are not getting out of being my friend or being in this family because something bad happened to you and you’re reacting to it. It sucks but it makes sense. I wish you’d just let me help.” Nott was frustrated that he hadn’t told her anything yesterday, and if his nightmares were any indication, he was getting worse.

“I don’t know how, Nott. I don't know what you or anyone else could do. I don’t know how to stop having these dreams, and I don’t know how to keep anyone from getting hurt when they happen.”

“What about the night before last? Did you have any nightmares then? Any...flamey bad nightmares?”

Caleb shook his head. Nott reached out her hand and pulled him down to sit next to her. “So what was different?” 

He shook his head. “I don’t know. And don’t try to say it was Caduceus, because he was there the first night it happened. That is bad science and you know it, alchemist.”

“You were being a lot more open with him than usual though. Yesterday morning, and the day before, so on either side of the night that you  _ didn’t  _ set the bed on fire. You were more open with everybody, from what it looked like when we got to the bar. And you let people take care of you. We read together. You should have seen your face, Caleb. I’ve never seen you look so at home. Maybe the good sleep happened because you let us close to you. For a whole day. It was really nice, for us too, you know. Maybe pushing people away, trying to run away, is part of the problem.

I know you didn’t tell me everything yesterday. Maybe it got...stuck in your head.”

Caleb didn’t answer her right away. She was making sense, and he hated it. He sighed.

“Maybe. Look, I...I did go see Astrid. And it didn’t matter. She’s fine with what Trent did, what we did, what she is still doing. The greater good. At best I think she thinks I’m a lunatic and she is sorry for me. And that was the first night I...started casting in my sleep. I didn’t want to tell you I went because you would give me that look--yes, that one. I know. I shouldn’t have gone alone. I should have told you. I...I see your point, and you are right, of course.” He was a little bitter about it. “I can’t keep hiding all the time, running away from my problems. But I don’t  _ know _ that talking about it, looking at it all and trying to deal with it, is going to fix things. I went to see Astrid to deal with this, and all that did was make me worse. I hurt Caduceus, Nott.”

“He looked fine to me.”

“Ja, well that is because he healed it.”

“Sounds like you’re lucky you sleep with a cleric then, huh?”

Caleb shook his head. “That is what he said too.” He almost laughed. “But sharing a bed, a space, with  _ anyone  _ could put everyone at risk. What if that happened in the dome? I could start a fire that killed all of you.”

“So we take watches again while we’re on the road. That’s fine. And you woke me up, and Caduceus. Sounds like you have enough light sleepers around you to keep us safe. Honestly, I’d be more worried if you slept alone.  _ You  _ didn’t wake up on your own, and I’d bet you didn’t the other time either. Your nightmares...you get stuck. I’ve seen it. If you separated yourself...what would happen to you? Who would keep you safe?”

Caleb nodded reluctantly. Even when he knew it was a dream, or thought he knew, he had never been able to wake himself, no matter what he tried. He had to watch them until they ended, unless someone else intervened. It was very possible he wouldn’t be able to wake up in time to save himself if the worst should happen.

“We’re getting out of here today, Caleb. This is going to get better. Really."

* * *

Caduceus, Fjord and Yasha were eating breakfast when Nott and Caleb came downstairs. Cad immediately met them, handing Nott a plate of bacon and taking both of Caleb’s hands before he got far past the staircase.

“You’re the best, Deuces!” Nott called over her shoulder, taking a seat across from Fjord.

“Happy to help.” Cad smiled after her, before turning his full attention on Caleb.

“Hey. How did you sleep?--Oh.” Caduceus saw the dark circles under Caleb’s eyes, the anxious look that haunted the corners of his features. “Did you dream again?”

Caleb hesitated. “I don’t...want to talk about it.” His eyes darted around somewhat nervously.

Cad nodded. “That’s fair. You can tell me later, if you want.”

“How are you?” Caleb’s tone was flat, but genuine. His nightmares had him on edge, and he’d rather focus on Caduceus.

“Oh, I slept fine...missed you though.” He admitted. “Can I hug you?”

Caleb nodded, but stepped to a more sheltered corner beside the stairs. He felt too exposed.

As soon as he and Caleb had some privacy, Cad wrapped him in a tight embrace. “You’re safe here.” He whispered. Caleb felt tears start to choke him. He didn’t remember when crying became so easy. He thought he’d gotten rid of all his tears years ago, but the longer he was around these people, the more he let them care for him, the worse it got. They never seemed to mind. Never called it weak. Caduceus even seemed to think it was good for him.

“It’s alright, Caleb. I’m here.” Caduceus stroked his hair and Caleb bit back a sob, his body silently shaking into Cad’s chest. He balled his fists into Cad’s shirt. 

“We’re safe now.” Caduceus assured him. “We’re still safe. Just breathe with me.”

Caleb listened to the familiar heartbeat and counted, trying to steady himself. He did not deserve Caduceus. Gods he did not deserve him, but here he was all the same.

Caduceus felt Caleb’s breath even out. He ached at the thought of what Caleb must have been dreaming, and wondered if he should check Caleb for burns. He doubted Caleb would tell him if he was hurt. Not without prompting. He should have stayed with Caleb and Nott last night. He probably couldn’t stop Caleb’s nightmares, but he could have tried. He wished desperately that he could make this go away, and keep Caleb safe, from others and himself.    
  


“Made you coffee.” Caduceus offered finally, trying to introduce some normalcy into Caleb’s morning.   
“Coffee would be good. Thank you.” Caleb’s voice was thick. Cad looked over his shoulder and saw Nott very successfully keeping any concerned eyes off of Caleb. She was an excellent friend.

Cad brushed his thumb over Caleb’s cheeks, catching the tears that had just barely begun to spill over. 

“Take your time.” He whispered.

Caleb nodded. “I’m alright. Thank you, Caduceus. Ah, would you...stick close to me today?” 

“Of course. As close as you want.” Caduceus was pretty sure he was not about to get a repeat of Caleb after the Stone Coffin, comfortably and cheerfully perched in Cad’s lap, in public, but he’d go with whatever Caleb needed.   
“I need to see you--to be sure that you are here. You are safe.”

“I can do that, Sunflower.”

Cad led him to the table, a hearty breakfast and a perfect cup of coffee, and if anyone noticed the redness in Caleb’s eyes, they kept it to themselves.

* * *

As promised, once their commissions were retrieved from the Cryptic Collection, Fjord took them back to the spa he’d found for a second day of pampering. He had to admit, although he’d never been one to go in for that sort of thing before, he couldn’t deny how nice it felt to take care of himself.

“Thanks, Molly.” Fjord muttered as they headed inside. Yasha caught it, and it made her smile.

Fjord could definitely get used to a self-care routine, and it was delightful to see Jester so excited to give her skin some TLC. Her past had not prepared her for how brutal the Mighty Nein life could be, but she bore it alarmingly well, and she made it better for everyone.

“Here!” Jester declared, her arms full of different soap cakes. “I picked out scents for everyone!” Jester knew how to make people feel loved, and her skills were on full display. Wildflowers for Yasha, cedar and basil for Beau, rosemary and lemon for Fjord, clary sage for Caduceus, sandalwood for Caleb, and lavender with raspberries for herself. She paused at Nott. “I know you don’t like water, so I asked if they had any oils. I thought you might like this. It smells like oranges and you just put a little on your wrists and behind your ears.”

“Why?” Nott asked, taking the bottle regardless.

“Because it smells nice. It’s sweet and you’re sweet.” Jester said simply, and dropped a kiss on Nott’s head.

Nott grinned at the gift. “Thanks, Jester. So are you.” 

After a long soak together, a few of the Nein broke off for other services. Jester was dying to have her nails taken care of, and she dragged Beau with her. Fjord and Yasha opted for massages while Nott went off to see exactly how much free food she could scam out of the complimentary refreshments. 

Caleb and Caduceus had the large bath to themselves. Caleb could almost hear Mollymauk’s voice, whistling salaciously and demanding the opportunity not be wasted. Caleb wasn’t sure he was willing to run with that as far as his friend would have, if he were still here, but he did love the quiet, the heat from the water, and the sense of being alone together. He slid over next to Caduceus.

“Anything you wanted to do while we are here?” Caleb asked.

“Me? No. I like everything about me just fine. My skin takes care of itself, my beetles manage my haircuts...besides, I was supposed to stick close to you, remember?”

“I do, and thank you. Can I do anything for you? I could give you a massage--I am good at it.”

“I know that.” Cad said, smiling. “But I’d rather do something for you. You had a really rough night, and I wasn’t there. I should have been.”

“You did what I asked you to. That was not your fault.”

“No, I guess not. But I knew...about before, I should have known not to leave you alone. I mean, you weren’t alone, but I…” Caduceus struggled with the words. Caleb was  _ his,  _ he felt the least he should be doing is taking care of him. He was afraid he had let Caleb down, and Caleb didn’t know well enough to expect better.    
“Did you get hurt?”

Caleb shook his head, his amulet splashing slightly in the water. "Nott put the fire out fast."

Caduceus reached for Caleb, positioning himself behind him. His warm, gigantic hands enveloped Caleb’s shoulders, pressing deep into the muscles with his thumbs. Caleb groaned.   
“I thought so.” Cad said. “Let me take care of this, at least. Breath deep for me, Sunflower.”   
Caleb tried. It took effort and he could feel the tightness in his chest making it more difficult, giving Caduceus an indication of where to start.

“Good. Keep that up.” Cad praised, and Caleb relaxed into the words. Caduceus noticed the change. Usually Caleb deflected kind words, but here, when they were both as physically vulnerable as they might be, he seemed more open to it. Maybe the touch helped. Cad trailed down Caleb’s back, kneading through his tension. He was curious. He liked giving Caleb kind words, and he wondered if Caleb would receive them better now. He whispered encouragements and praises into Caleb's ear, delighted as he saw Caleb leaning back more, letting his tension go, even letting a soft moan slip from his lips. Caduceus liked that. He was going to have to try this again later. His hands worked the first layer of knots, pausing only to get Caleb’s bar of soap, and scrub him down for a second pass. He couldn’t fix everything, certainly not in one hour, which is about what Cad guessed they had. He hoped he could give Caleb a sense of safety though, and if he managed that, he’d consider it an hour very well spent. 

Finally Cad rinsed the soap away from Caleb’s body, and found he had a puddle of wizard melting against him. Caleb’s head tilted back on Cad’s shoulder. “I love you.” He whispered. Caduceus felt the words in his bones, and wrapped his arms around Caleb’s stomach. “I love you too. Thank you.”

“Hmm?” Caleb hazily responded. His eyes were shut, and he felt like the dreams and memories that dogged him had faded a little under Cad’s fingers, washed away by the praises that had him feeling lightheaded. 

“Thank you for letting me love you.”

“Hardly a present from me, I think.” Caleb deflected.   
“Trust me, Cay. It is. More than you could guess.”

Caleb turned, taking the cake of soap that Jester had gotten for Cad. It smelled earthy and clean, remarkably fitting for his firbolg. “My turn?” he asked.

Cad nodded, and Caleb sudsed up the bar, working a lather over Cad’s chest, his shoulders, his hands massaging over Caduceus lovingly. He found he wasn’t looking for anything more than a gentle, comforting touch, the reassurance that Cad was here, he was safe, he was well.

They savored each other's company, Caleb curled into Caduceus once they were both scrubbed down. He clung to Cad's neck, just breathing, learning how to just  _ be _ , the way Cad so often did, until a knock at the door let them know their time was almost up. Caleb reluctantly climbed out of Cad’s lap.   
“Come on,  _ liebchen. _ ” Caleb pulled Cad to his feet and helped him dry off, if just for more chances to touch his partner. They found robes for themselves and put them on, relishing the feel of cozy cloth. They had barely gotten the robes on before their friends rejoined them, similarly dressed and gathering up their things.

“Can we just stay in these?” Beau asked, reluctant to trade her relaxation wear for the wraps and bindings of an expositor.

Fjord raised an eyebrow. “We’re teleporting to Rosohna. In public. I really don’t think bathrobes would be appropriate.” He cast a glance over at Caduceus in particular, which is when all of them noticed that the robes that for most of them fell below the knee or lower, for Caduceus, fell about an inch or two away from putting all of his secrets on display. If he moved much, they would be anyway.

Caleb’s eyes brightened, and he thanked his lucky stars Cad would be keeping this robe. 

“Wow. Oh boy. Um, Deuces?” Nott pointed. 

Cad looked down and shrugged. “Bodies are bodies. Everybody has one.” He observed innocently. 

“I have a solution for this.” Caleb said, and cast Seeming on Cad, allowing him to appear fully clothed while still enjoying the remarkable freedom of his skinty robe.

“There.” Caleb said. 

“Ooo! Me next!” Jester volunteered. “If I could do this all the time, I would never wear clothes again.” 

Caleb laughed. “You could try it, but some people can see through a glamour like that. A bit embarrassing to turn up naked to the wrong party.”

“Nah.” Jester argued. “If Caduceus is fine with it, I can be too.” She beamed.

Beau and Fjord both felt their faces flush at the thought.

“Well I’m not risking the wrong pair of eyes.” Fjord said, and got himself dressed. The rest enjoyed their liberty thanks to Caleb’s spell, and willingly stepped into his teleportation circle, though at the last second, Caleb managed a little joke of his own--casting Seeming on Fjord to appear still in his bathrobe. It was an interesting walk home to say the least.

* * *

There was real work to do of course when they got to the Xhorhaus. As Caleb had pointed out, the Bright Queen’s throne room would not be a place to walk into wearing only a glamour spell, so with mixed reluctance, the Nein dressed, and informed Essek of their return. Yasha took her time, sitting for a while in her room, taking in the mural Jester had made her. She was home. She was her own. She was back with her family. She sighed deeply, and lost herself in the painting beside her bed.

Soon enough Essek met them at the house, bringing information, and news of a captured spy.

Rather than have Caleb attempt to get more out of the prisoner, Fjord took his chances on them, much to Caleb's relief. Cad made a mental note to thank Fjord later. The last thing Caleb needed was another return to the roles of his dead life today.

Finally they were in the Lucid Bastion, to take the next step towards securing peace between the Dynasty and the Empire. The atmosphere was tense, but with unexpected support from some of the queen’s court. It was true, the Dynasty was tired of death, if they could get back their beacons. While it was clear enough no one had been fully honest, either in the Dynasty or the Empire, there was a good chance this might work. That was cause for celebration.

Celebration came in the form of music: the first performance of the Mighty Nein's resident band. As Yasha strummed her harp, something that honestly looked far more brutal than it sounded, and Jester plinked out tunes on a tiny piano, and Caduceus issued a range of screams from his flute, it came together into something somehow...not terrible. It was not  _ good _ . Some would argue it was not music, but it was an interesting, fey concert In a way. Caleb thought his familiar might actually enjoy it, and summoned Frumpkin into his arms.

"What do you think of that? Hmm?" He questioned his fey cat. "Anything you could improve on?"

He placed Frumpkin on the floor and sent him to the musicians. After winding around each of their legs, and giving an extra flick of his tail at Caduceus, Frumpkin perched squarely in the middle of them, and delivered the most melodious yowling any cat, fey or otherwise, had ever given. Caleb was delighted.

When the jam session ended, Caleb leapt to his feet to give a standing ovation, the rest of his friends following suit. The music and the atmosphere were a welcome gift to each of them. While Caleb especially knew this place couldn't be trusted, and that even the people he enjoyed and cared about here in the Dynasty were as dubious as any in the Empire, it didn't keep him from feeling connected to this place, this house. This was where he realized his friends were his home, and where he learned to love again. He was glad to be here again, to have all of his home together again, making music.

"He's a very talented singer" Cad said, interrupting Caleb's thoughts with an armful of Frumpkin. Caleb touched his nose to his cat's, letting Cad continue holding him for the moment. "You  _ are _ a very fine singer! I knew you would be. And even our Caduceus thinks so." Caleb fawned over his cat, inadvertently creating an excuse to keep Cad within arm's reach.

"Caleb, you're not turning Clay into a cat freak, are you? Stop it. One is plenty. Now come on. Family meeting in the Happy Room. Let's figure out what we're doing after we leave here." Beau called. 

Caleb grinned, putting Frumpkin around his shoulders and taking Cad's hand. "We'll need your input. Let's not keep them waiting."

"Well, yeah. Who else is going to remind you all that we need  _ at least _ one full night to rest? You'd run yourselves into the ground without me."

* * *

There was no shortage of possible avenues they could follow next. Caleb felt they should head to the menagerie, the next step in Cad's journey. He was surprised to find Cad more than a little apprehensive.

Just as they were wrapping up their discussion, they heard Cad's door chimes. Caleb startled, immediately on edge until he registered the sound. He'd been sitting in front of Caduceus, letting Cad play with his hair. It was Cad's steadying hand on his shoulder that kept Caleb from jumping to his feet, spell at the ready. Caleb was grateful for that. He would have hated the others to see him so reactive.

Jester dashed down the stairs to meet their visitor, squealing with delight when she opened the door.

"Guys! It's Essek!” She yelled up the stairs. “I knew you wanted to be our friend!"

The Shadowhand of the Dynasty glided in with a bottle of wine as the rest descended the staircase to meet him. He had initially declined Jester's invitation to dinner, which Caleb thought was fair. They could be a lot for anyone. For someone who was used to being closed off and guarded, it was a daunting prospect. Caleb could empathize with the discomfort, but just as they had managed with Caleb, although certainly a little faster, the Mighty Nein had made a positive impression on Essek. He dropped his floating act, which opened him up to more questions, and he willingly joined their discussion as they piled in around the dining table.

“I was about to get dinner started--Mr. Thelyss? Have you eaten yet?”

Essek shook his head. “I have not. Thank you.”

Caleb watched Cad walk out of the room, smiling a bit to himself. He looked back to Essek. “You are in for a treat. Caduceus is an excellent cook.” 

As the discussion carried on, Essek was as quick to ask questions as he was to answer, and he probed for the goals and ambitions of his hosts. Caleb had already told Essek much of his own goals, and wasn’t keen to share more too soon.

“I’m going to see if Cad needs a hand.”

“Oh  _ sure _ .” Jester answered him. “A hand...a mouth…”

“A bone-flute.” Beau added, earning a high five from Jester. They laughed. Fjord rolled his eyes.

Caleb looked back with a coy smirk and a wink before disappearing into the kitchen. They could have their fun. If it would mean they didn’t suspect anything was wrong with him today, all the better.

Essek raised his eyebrows, somewhat surprised. “Oh. They are…?”

“The cutest EVER?! Yes. You guys, I love love.”

“We know, Jess.” Fjord assured her.   
“Is there anyone special in  _ your _ life, Mr. Shadowhand?” Jester quizzed sweetly.

“No, I’m afraid not.” Essek shut down that line of questioning rather quickly, but gracefully found other threads of conversation to pick up.

Caleb crept into the kitchen, his conversation with Nott that morning tugging at him. Being open was good, he tried to remind himself. When people are safe, it is good. He could trust his friends. He could trust his Caduceus. This time was different.

Cad’s perception made it hard for Caleb to sneak in unnoticed, and Caduceus could see clearly Caleb was thinking. 

“Hey there. You alright?”

Caleb nodded “Ja. Just, ah...wanted to see if you needed help?”

Caduceus raised his eyebrows, waiting for Caleb to say more. To say why he was actually here. Caleb answered him with a face that spoke of too many things to voice: the mixed emotions encountering the prisoner today, the buzzing adrenaline of securing peace talks with the Bright Queen, his fears of everyone saying so much to Essek, of how much he wanted to trust and enjoy their new friend, and how much of a mistake he knew that could be. Questions of openness vs. self-preservation, not knowing what was right anymore, or at least how to achieve what seemed most right.He felt lost and frustrated. He wanted his nightmares and his worries to go wherever they went when Caduceus was watching over him.

Clay got out a cutting board and some onions. “Chop these for me?”

Caleb nodded, glad to have a task for his hands. He moved through several small chores until Cad had most of his dinner assembled, and things needed to roast or to fry. He could leave them for a few minutes. Caleb stood by the island in the center of the room, waiting for instructions. Caduceus crowded into his space, and picked Caleb up, surprising him as he set him on the counter. “Easier for me to reach you here.” Cad explained, and he kissed Caleb’s forehead and his cheeks. He thought about the spa this morning, and wondered if he might be able to ease Caleb’s discomfort a little.

“You are very good, Caleb.”

Caleb looked away, feeling hot around the ears.

“You are very good.” Caduceus repeated. Not pushing, not lecturing, just calmly reciting.

He lifted Caleb’s hands, kissing one and then the other. “Very Good.” Caleb watched his hands and Cad’s lips, curious, hungry for those words, not sure what he was doing to earn them. He wasn’t doing anything right now.

Oh.

That was...was that the point?

Caduceus didn’t think Caleb had to do anything to be good. Caleb trembled a little.

“So good for me, Caleb.” Cad whispered. Caleb’s eyes sild shut, and Caduceus smiled. “Just the way you are. Being here with me. Bringing your whole self to me: even the uncomfortable parts. We’ve done a lot today. You’ve done a lot. You took big steps to stop evil things. And you are taking big steps to heal yourself.” Cad’s lips brushed casually over Caleb’s knuckles, Caleb finally finding the courage to look at Caduceus. “I love you, Cay. I love you and I’m proud of you.” Cad dragged a lingering kiss over Caleb’s hand. “So good.”

Caleb nodded, dumbstruck. He had no idea if Cad knew what this was doing to him.  _ He _ didn’t know what this was doing to him. No one had ever spoken to him like this and those words...those words felt incredible, like Cad’s hands running over his soul, the way they had learned to run over his body. He’d need a minute before he went back out to the others. He felt dizzy and--yeah. More than a little turned on. He wasn’t sure Caduceus noticed, until one of his hands fell to Caleb’s thigh, stroking gently but purposefully. He was smiling that trickster grin he had so recently started to use. 

“Ah...maybe save that for later…” Caleb cautioned. He wasn’t planning on proving Beau and Jester completely right about his exit to the kitchen. Not just at the moment. 

Caduceus chuckled softly. “Ok. That’s fair. I was...getting a little carried away.” His hand stilled. “I just get excited when you’re happy. Let’s get this dinner finished, yeah?”

Caleb nodded shakily. “Ja, okay...”

Dinner was of course a triumph, surprising no one. Caleb was bolstered by Cad’s confidence in him, and in the steps they were taking to end the war. He could relax a bit around Essek for now, and let himself enjoy the time with their guest. Essek and Caleb spoke animatedly about Nott's spell, and the areas they might adjust things to make it work. Caleb adored the chance to talk to someone about magic again, a scholar who cared about the art, the mastery. It was familiar. He could empathize with how Essek felt towards the Dynasty, the way they turned the beacons into religious icons. Always trying to manipulate for power instead of simply trying to learn. It was much the same in the Empire. There was always that risk: coming to learn and study, being found by the zealous and twisted, used to their own ends, barred from what they did not want you to see. Caleb knew the story well. Too well. It was a connection point for them, it was certainly something that made Essek a friend to Caleb, but it also reminded Caleb to be careful. Friends who understood didn’t always come to the same conclusions. That was still painfully fresh in his mind. His shared experience with Essek was as much a warning as it was a welcome.

Caduceus watched Caleb over dinner. There were so many things Caleb didn't get to talk about normally, things he studied, his passions. It was good to see him make a friend. But Caleb had also felt like he had to perform for Essek, to earn something or trade. Even in giving him the vial they'd found, there was a hesitant trust. It seemed like a careful dance, and Caduceus was not sure he understood the steps. So he watched, looking to keep his Caleb safe, but still glad to see him making a friend.

After some more sweet talking from Jester, Essek was convinced to join them in the hot tub, allowing them to show off one of their favorite treasures. These people continued to be an unexpected--though not unwanted--surprise to Essek. It was odd how well he fit, despite how formal and uncomfortable he could be. Underneath that, it truly seemed like he just wanted company. 

They talked much longer than Essek had expected. He hadn't really thought he'd enjoy himself that much, or even at all. They really were an odd bunch, and somehow they'd gotten under his skin. He liked it, enough to let Caleb and Beau walk him home. Enough to agree to help Caleb finish Nott’s spell in the morning. He wasn’t sure what he was getting himself into, but he was reasonably sure it was good.

* * *

“So, you really trust this guy?” Beau asked Caleb as they walked back.   
“There are  _ nein _ people I trust in this world, Beauregard. Well, mostly. I am not always so sure about you.” He gave her a cheeky smirk. “No. I do not trust him...but I believe there is good there. And he will help me help Nott. That’s all I need.”

“You sure you’re not just jonesin’ for another wizard? Little side piece?”

Caleb steeled himself. Beau was having fun with him. She didn’t know. He couldn’t get angry with her. It wouldn’t be fair. “I have, ah, had more than my fair share of wizards. I will stick with the cleric.” 

  
  


They returned to the Xhorhaus to find their friends (except Nott) still in the hot tub, Fjord attempting to help Jester in her Traveler pitch. Caleb took off his boots and sat on the side, dipping his feet in the water. Beau got rid of her outer layers and jumped in, leaving no time for anyone to avoid her cannonball splash. Cad shifted to make space for her, situating himself comfortably between Caleb’s knees. 

The subject of saving Cad’s home resurfaced. He had been very open with Essek, talking about the dire need to stop the grove’s decay. That this was why he left his home, why everyone else had left. Fjord and Beau asked him for more, and Cad retold some of what he already had, that the menagerie was kept by the Stone family. 

“Stone? That...that’s interesting.” Fjord was just making the connection. That was the surname he was given at the orphanage. It was supposed to be a signifier of how worthless he was. He didn’t see the link as more than a coincidence, but for Caduceus, it was confirmation. He already knew Fjord was his family. The Wildmother had brought them together. But to know that long before they met, she had her eye on him, it warmed Cad’s heart.

“We knew this was where you belonged, Fjord. Now we know how much.” Caduceus said with a smile.

“It really took you this long to figure that out Fjord? Caddy’s told that story like three times! For someone who talks so much you’d think you’d be a better listener.” Nott teased, dashing out of the way of the water Fjord splashed back at her.

“But Caduceus,” Jester said, turning her focus back. “We’ve been together all this time and you never told us how urgent this was. We could have been saving your home way before now.”

Caduceus shrugged, unsure of what to say. He had put their other goals ahead of his, partly because they were more urgent, but that wasn’t all of it. Now seemed like the right time to proceed, and that thought terrified him.

“Why didn’t we head to the menagerie sooner?” Fjord questioned.

“Fear, maybe?” Caduceus puzzled over it. “Not knowing...what i would find. My family,  _ if _ they’re alive…” He didn’t offer more right away. Caleb paid close attention to his silence, his body language. It looked to him as if Cad believed he might already be too late. There was so much new to him, and he had never experienced such uncertainty. Caleb squeezed Cad’s shoulder, reassuring him.

“We will go with you, Caduceus. Whatever you find, you will not find it alone. You will not be alone anymore.”

As Fjord realized just how dizzy the hot water and the wine were making him, it was pretty clear that it was time to get out of the hot tub, and start thinking about sleep, everyone heading to their own rooms. Yasha stopped Caduceus.

“Would you mind if I stayed in your room tonight? I...I think I’d like to be near somebody else, and I like...I like the tree. And the flowers. If...if that’s alright with you.”

Caduceus smiled. Few things made him happier than knowing he was a comfort to someone, and that is exactly what Yasha was telling him. “Of course you can.”

“I was thinking I’d like to read a bit, before bed. Is that okay? It won’t keep you awake?”

“Not at all. I like reading before bed.”

Yasha smiled. “Yeah, I think I guessed that.” She looked over her shoulder in the direction Caleb had gone, and Caduceus grinned. 

“He’s a very good reader.” 

* * *

  
Caleb stood alone on the first floor, staring at the door to the library, and his room beyond. He didn’t feel like staying on his own tonight. He thought about what Nott said, how unlikely it would be that he would wake up if he slept alone and something happened. Maybe he didn’t care about that. There was certainly a time where he would have thought burning himself to death in his own nightmare would be poetic justice. But now that seemed childish. His death wouldn’t stop the Cerberus Assembly from making more like him, and while he might be a garbage person, his death would hurt people who very much did not deserve to be hurt. He went to his room for a few necessary things, and headed up the stairs. The hallway was empty, except for Jester, who was still in the Happy Room, looking rather unhappy. 

“That is not what this room is for.” Caleb joked quietly, coming in and sitting across from her. “You look like you are knocking yourself a little bit. I don’t think you should”

Jester sniffed a little. “It’s just...I don’t think I’m a very good cleric for the Traveler.”

“Do you know...do you know what I think about the Traveler? I think the Traveler is lucky to have you. I am the transmutation wizard, but you are the one who changes people. I see it everyday.”

Jester smiled through tears. “Really?”

“Ja. Really. Here, let me show you something.”

Caleb cast the image he had been working on for Travelercon. It was perfectly Jester: tiny, brilliant amber lolipops and hamster unicorns. Jester was delighted, dancing around and through them. “Caleb this is wonderful!”

She threw her arms around him, somewhat to his surprise. “Thank you, Caleb.”

“Ja, okay.” Caleb deflected, though he was glad to see he could brighten her mood.

He started to head towards Cad’s stairs. “Not going to bed yet?” Jester asked.

“Headed there now...need a little encouragement myself, tonight.” Caleb admitted.

Jester smiled at him. “Good. Thank you for getting what you need, Caleb. We care about you a lot. I care about you a lot. I’m glad you’re letting us do that now.”

* * *

Caleb poked his head up through the floor of Cad’s tower. “Hallo? May I come in?”

“Caleb, please!” Caduceus welcomed him. “We’re over here.” 

Caleb saw Cad’s hand wave him over to the tree. He and Yasha had made a blanket pallet on the floor, Yasha was reading the book she had been for the last several days. From the look of it she had moved past what Caleb had guessed were Jester’s additions to it.

“Oh...I, should I go?”

Yasha sat up. “It’s not my room, but I don’t mind you being here. I’d like extra company today.”

“You should definitely stay.” Caduceus assured him. “We’re having a sleepover. And we’re reading. It’s very much your kind of sleepover.”

“Oh? I like reading.” He rifled through his things and retrieved the  _ Wayward Wanderer _ that Nott had given him. He was trying to take his time with this one. 

“Actually, um...Caleb…” Caduceus asked shyly. “Would you read to us?” Cad held out  _ Dark and Light Nights. _

“Both of you? I would not want to interrupt Yasha.”

“I only heard the one story, when we were under the mountain.” She hesitated, hating the memory of that place. “I would like to hear another. If that’s okay. Caduceus was telling me about some of the stories you’ve read already. They sounded nice.”

Caleb smiled. “I believe there is one here you would like very much, if Caduceus doesn’t mind a repeat.”

“Repeats are good.” Cad said, creating a space for Caleb to cuddle against him. Yasha sat up, leaning into Caleb’s other side.

“Caduceus said there are pictures.” she explained. Caleb nodded in understanding. Yasha needed their family as much as Caduceus missed his.

When Caleb finished, Caduceus had sprawled on the ground, half asleep and curling around Caleb. Yasha smirked at him, and Caleb pulled a blanket over him. “Feel free to read as late as you want.” He told her, sending a floating light between them and switching his book.

He tucked himself between Cad’s arms, and Caduceus murmured happily, nuzzling against Caleb’s neck while Caleb found his page. 

“G’night Yasha. Night Cay.”

“Goodnight.” Yasha laughed, resuming her reading.

“Sleep well, Yasha.” Caleb said.

“ _ Guten nacht, liebling _ .” he whispered to Caduceus.

Caleb was the last to sleep, though he stopped reading when Yasha did. She finished her book, and he extinguished his light. Cad felt him shift, waking slightly. He slid his hands over Caleb’s, threading their fingers together, palms pressed against each other.    
“I’ve got you, Sunflower.”

Caleb nodded. 

“Get some sleep.”

“I...I will try.”

“Good. Rest for me, Cay.”

* * *

Caleb knew he dreamed, and he knew they were not pleasant, but he didn’t think he had been casting. It was hard to say. When he woke, Cad was still holding his hands, now fully awake, and there didn’t seem to be any injuries. Caleb smiled up at his partner.

They looked over at Yasha, who was just beginning to stir. As she sat up, it was clear something was different.

“Wow.” Cad said.

“What?” Yasha looked at him, drowsy, but otherwise in good spirits.

“You are, uh...you look different.” Caleb tried to explain. “Must have been a good book.”

Yasha looked down at herself, to find her muscles more toned, fuller, she felt stronger. She felt incredible. “I don’t even...the book? You think?

The others were as baffled when they gathered for breakfast. Beau couldn’t decide if she was more turned on or jealous. Neither feeling helped her not to stare at Yasha.

  
  


They had business to attend to still--shopping, picking up some things for Yasha now that she was back. Caleb felt his energy returning. Nott had been right about not sleeping alone. At the very least, he slept a bit better last night, and he felt ready for spell work. Much more so than he had the day before.

While the others managed their morning errands, Caleb set straight away to work on Nott’s spell. He was almost there. He worked through the first two cups of coffee Cad brought him, and the breakfast Caduceus made him eat. He pushed on until Nott got back with the others, immediately dragging her into the library/lab.

“Look! Look at this!” He declared, practically bouncing with excitement.

“Wow, Caleb. This is---I mean, this is AMAZING. You’re almost there.

“YOU are almost there!” Caleb said. He danced her around the room. Taking her by the face he looked her in the eyes. “We are going to get you back, Veth.”

The next hours raced by, until Caleb was certain he could finish the spell, if he could get back with Essek. Essek had said last night he would help, and he made good on that promise.

The Nein gathered together at Essek’s tower, while he, Caleb and Nott finished the final elements of the spell. They collectively gathered what was needed, and that was when, for Nott, time seemed to stop.

Her questions seemed to congeal together. Was this what she wanted? She turned to her friends, and of course, they were there to help.

Fjord was surprisingly the first to offer his support. “Unless you absolutely are sure you want to, when the time is right, then you shouldn't. Otherwise that uncertainty could lead to regret or anything else that you couldn't predict. Wait, if you're not ready. We're here for you.”   
“I guess the thing I'm most scared of is if I change, I won't want to stay.” She admitted.    
Cad nodded. “That would be okay too.”   
Caleb hated the idea of losing his friend, of her leaving him. But not as much as he wanted to give her back the things she had lost, the things she most needed. Looking at Caduceus, he thought of what it must be like fro Veth, to feel she couldn’t return to the man she loved. “Nott,” Caleb said, kneeling to meet her at eye level. “I don't think any of us can give you that answer, and you know that. But whatever you want to do, we're here.”   
Veth nodded, swallowing her fears down. “I love you all. Let's do it.”

They all followed Essek this time up to his lab. Caleb arranged the components, finally bringing Nott to the center. He gave her a reassuring look, squeezing her hands. "You are you and you will continue to be you. And we are here. Are you ready?"   
Nott took a deep breath and exhaled. She looked at the man she had trusted her life to for the past few years. She had to tell him some part of the strange, complicated gratitude she had for him. She leaned forward and kissed his lips gently. "Thank you, Caleb, for getting me this far, and for devoting yourself to me. You're a good man, and I I hope you find where you're going, too. All right. Do the thing."   
Caleb was a little taken aback by the gesture, but he understood. "This will be our best trick yet." He told her.   
Nott grinned. “We have to name it.”

The ritual began, and Caleb felt the magic flowing through him. He could feel Nott’s form, her true form, blocked by something, and he began to unravel it, and then--darkness. An eerie, high pitched cackle rang through his ears, Nott heard the voice she knew, the voice that had done this too her, triumphant.

Caleb’s spell shattered, and in the center was Nott the Brave, unharmed, and unchanged. Nott and Caleb stared at each other, bewildered. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Y'all.  
I needed to finish this chapter, and I'm so glad I did. It's been a really tough time with everything going on health-wise round the world. I work in a hospital, so I'm still working during my state's current shelter in place order, which is a mercy and a drain. It also slowed down my writing a lot.
> 
> Anyway, I'm bad at appreciating things about myself, and it is hard to fix, so I'm trying to practice. Instead of apologizing for what I struggled with, here's what I'm happy about in this chapter:  
-Coffee as a love language  
-Caleb seeing and LIKING the parallels in his relationship with what he remembers of his parents'.  
-BATH HOUSE TIME  
-Cad's No Shame Brain Re: Being a Big Boi  
-Cad accidentally discovering praise kink--and deciding he would like to play  
-CALEB LEARNING HE HAS A PRAISE KINK  
-Strong friendships that don't have to be romantic to be amazing and valid
> 
> Thanks as always for coming along for the ride. Please stay safe, and remember you are dearly loved.


	22. Forgiveness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spoilers for C2 Ep92
> 
> A failed spell, a thriving curse, questions of worth and forgiveness, family and the possibility of a second chance at life. 
> 
> If you're finding yourself in need of some found family, my guys, I have good news for you. :)

Caleb was crushed. He had the spell right--he  _ knew  _ the spell was right--but it had not been enough. This was more than spell casting, this was a deeper sort of curse. He couldn't have known, could he? But it had worked. The spell  _ had worked.  _ That laugh still rang in his ears. Nott the Brave remained in her goblin body. He had failed her.

Nott bounced between heartache and relief. She didn't want to show the relief. She didn't want them to think less of her for not feeling ready to go home. She should have been ready to go, to live her life with Yeza and Luc, but how could she ever feel ready to leave the Mighty Nein? Still, no matter how much she loved adventuring and these people, nothing would make this goblin body hers. Nothing would make it feel right. Nothing would replace her family. Now she had two families. Her head swam. How was she supposed to feel? What would she do now?

At least with the second question, she had some direction. Beau picked up a familiar thread. The woman who ruined Nott's life could be the same one who had a hand in Beau's twisted childhood. 

Caduceus had little support he could give in the wake of Nott and Caleb's disappointment, other than to ask the Wildmother. As the rest discussed their next steps, Cad went aside to commune. He breathed deeply and rooted to the Wildmother’s presence. She met him with a gentle push, and confirmed that yes, the sorcerer was the same person, this spectre from Beau's past and Nott's, and she was still alive. 

Caleb stole glances at Caduceus, listening in on his prayer, feeling a little guilty for intruding. Cad didn't really try to create privacy for himself, even when he needed it, but that didn’t necessarily mean Caleb was invited. But Caleb was distracted by his failure, and he honestly wanted to be nearer to Caduceus. The spell was its own kind of grief, the death of a dream he and Nott had been pushing towards since they met...and Caduceus knew how to handle grief. Caleb didn’t. He wanted to throw himself into whatever would fix Nott and prove that he cared about her, that he could do right by her family, despite how miserably he’d failed his own. He stared at Caduceus as his thoughts whirled around, and that’s when something changed that caught Caleb’s eye. Cad's head bowed a little lower. He hunched, and his voice was...weaker, somehow. Embarrassed? Caleb couldn't be sure, but there was hesitancy in it. 

"Does my family wait for me,” he winced, almost flinching as he asked. “at...at the Menagerie?" 

_ Afraid _ , Caleb realized. Of the answer? Of his need to ask the question? 

Caduceus felt a cold breeze.  _ Oh, please no. _ But then it turned warmer, a soft confirmation. They were there...maybe they were in danger? Maybe they were leaving that place? Maybe he was no longer a part of their concern. He tried to pull his mind back from wandering down those paths. He knew where they were, and he had to trust that the Wildmother would get him to them, in her time.   
“Good.” He breathed, and with a twinge of guilt he added “I regret my weakness.”   
Caleb gave Cad a soft look, and subtly slid his hand into Cad's when he rejoined the others. Caduceus did not tell them about the third question or its answer when Beau asked. Caleb gave his hand a gentle squeeze. He had never seen Caduceus feel shame, the way Caleb so often felt it, and he hated seeing it now. Wasn’t it only natural to wonder? To doubt? It made sense to Caleb that Cad would want to ask about his family, and hadn’t the Wildmother answered him? Caleb failed to see how asking was weakness, especially when the person you asked was clearly open to giving the answer. Caduceus had been through more than he showed in his isolation, and yet it was always everyone else he was worried about. He never made concessions for himself, his own struggles. He just turned attention away, like he was doing now. He told Beau they needed to see her father, encouraged her that he understood, but that things could look different when you returned to family as an adult, and could see how small and vulnerable your parents really were. 

_ He’s comforting her about her family because he is worried about his.  _ Caleb observed. He wished he could comfort Cad the way Cad had so often comforted him. The best he could do right now was hold his hand, letting Caduceus know he was here. He would have to ask about more later.

It was Nott who pushed back against going directly to Kamorda, to Beau’s home by way of Zadash. They already had a plan, to find Caduceus’ family, and meet with the ship. Caleb smiled. Yes, she might have been deflecting a little. She’d made it clear, at least from Caleb’s point of view, that she was wrestling with leaving, and didn’t want to let go of this time she had with them just yet. But she was also looking out for Cad, and for his needs, the way she had looked out for Caleb so many times. She was telling Caduceus, whether he heard it or not, that she accepted him as Caleb’s, and therefore, he was hers to protect. Caleb loved that.

“I--I don’t know if I’m ready.” Cad finally admitted. He didn’t expound, but eventually they were able to convince Beau and Nott that the best way forward was to deal with Nott’s spell, which also meant going to the only person they knew who had any contact with the woman who placed the curse. They would go see Beau’s family, but they would do it together, and she wouldn’t have to confront them alone. 

A promised stop in Zadash beforehand was a welcome prospect. Not as nice as spending a few days in the Xhorhaus would have been, but it seemed this wasn’t the time to be taking leisurely stops. Caduceus tried to remind himself that it wouldn’t always be rushing. He watched Caleb draw their teleportation circle and promised himself, they  _ would _ slow down. They would get time. As soon as they could.

* * *

The trip to the Cobalt Soul when they arrived was far from wasted. They were able to discover that the sorcerer in question was one by the name of Isharnai, the Prism Sage. They discovered where she was said to live, and Jester even had success scrying on her, though it terrified more than encouraged them as she caught Jester’s spell, and was cryptically excited for her “visitors.” Caleb did not like the sound of that, but he honestly didn’t feel nervous. Seeing his friends work, he remembered who they were. They were the Mighty Nein. It was hard to believe this prism sage would best them, though he knew that was arrogance. He couldn't help but hope in them, just a little.

They wrapped up their research, and decided on a place to stay for the night. While they could have gone to Beau's quarters at the Cobalt Soul, they felt a place to let loose would be better, and Jester did want to see her dad.

* * *

The Evening Nip was full of its usual patrons, and the Nein received a warm welcome, including a generous toast from the Gentleman. Caduceus smiled. Jester had been sending him messages about their travels, and it seemed that even in spite of himself, the Gentleman was very much warming up to his role as a father. 

Caleb glanced around, seeing Fjord and Beau in conversation. Beau had that look on her face that said she was either in significant physical pain, or they were having a heart to heart. Given their plans to head towards her family's estate tomorrow, Caleb guessed it was the latter. Jester was regaling everyone at the bar with tales of their adventures, Nott beside her to add drama to her telling. Yasha sat just to the side, looking between Jester's storytime and Beau. She felt...a lot of things for Beau. Part of her wished she could be more helpful. The best she could do for now was wait. Be present. Fjord was good with words. Hopefully he'd be able to say something that Beau needed. Yasha always got a little lost when it came to putting thoughts and feelings into words.

Caleb finally saw Caduceus, leaning against a wall, looking nowhere in particular, obviously lost in thought. Caleb sidled up to him. "Copper for your thoughts, Herr Clay?"

"Hmm? Oh." Caduceus’ gaze slid down til it landed on Caleb. "Do you even have a copper, Mr. Caleb? One that isn't already reserved for books and paper and ink?" 

Caleb laughed. "I could make room in the budget for you." 

Cad shook his head, smiling. "I never have much use for money."

"Does that mean you will tell me what's on your mind for free? I would offer to buy you a drink, but I do not think they have what you want."

"Probably not, no. But you could get something. Is there anything in particular you'd enjoy? I’ll buy."

Caduceus was resolute in turning the question back around, just as he had earlier. Caleb wasn't sure he wanted to push Cad to talk about his fears for his family, calling his concern weakness. He knew he would hate to be pressed about it if it were him...but Caduceus was always so open about things. The more Caleb thought about that though, the more he realized it wasn't true. Caduceus was open when he thought it would help. When it was his own troubles...he hid them, remarkably well. 

"Buy me an ale?" Caleb said finally. "We can take a table and listen about all of our adventures as told by the one and only Jester Lavorre."

Cad settled onto the bench, Caleb close beside him. He relaxed a little, listening to Jester, smiling at Caleb's little asides. It took him away from his worries about his family, the shame he felt over not feeling ready to see them, to face his destiny.

Caleb pushed his empty tankard away, and leaned into Cad's side. The warm response was immediate. Caduceus put his arm around Caleb, pulling him closer, seeking reassurance in touch. Caleb smiled to himself. Cad didn’t want to talk, but he wanted comfort. Caleb understood that.

Eventually the rest of the Nein made their way over to the table as the crowd thinned. They went over what their journey ahead required. It was clear they'd have an early morning. 

"Sounds like we should all turn in soon. Did anyone find out where we're sleeping?" Fjord asked. 

"Oh yeah. I already took care of that." Jester announced proudly. "I got my dad to give us three rooms to ourselves. Because we're special." She beamed. "I thought we could have a girls room, and Fjord can have his own room, and Caduceus and Caleb get to have some  _ quality alone time _ ." 

Caduceus was softly tracing Caleb’s arm, and hugged him a little tighter at Jester’s announcement. “That’s very nice of you, Jester. Thank you.”

Fjord stood up from the table. "As much as I enjoy all of your company, it's been far too long since I've gotten to have my own space. You're amazing, Jess. Thank you." Fjord squeezed her shoulder as he passed. Cad smiled to see his friend get a little bolder with his affection.

"Do you want someone to tuck you in Fjord?" Nott teased. Jester's face flicked with an impish grin. "Or give you a goodnight kiss?"

Fjord blushed a deep green. "Nope. Nah. No, I'm... I'm good. Just fine. Thanks. Um G'night." He nearly ran down the hall. Nott dissolved into a fit of laughter.

"Sweet dreams, Fjord!" Jester grinned, extremely pleased with herself. "He makes it too easy." She laughed. 

"Well, if you had your heart set on giving someone a goodnight kiss, I'm sure we could find a willing participant." Nott peddled her matchmaking options with all the grace of a wounded duck as she slyly smirked at Beauregard, who suddenly became very interested in the woodgrain of the table. 

"You know, I think it is time we all get some sleep." Caleb suggested, attempting to divert the awkward situation Nott seemed bent on creating. He whispered something to Caduceus before directing his attention back to Nott. "Nott the Brave, did you... would you like to bunk with us? I...you are welcome to stay. We will keep it...how do you call it, ‘family appropriate?’" After today's failure, he felt he owed Nott some kind of apology, show her he was still committed to helping her, but he didn't know how, or what to say. He knew that she often found comfort in having someone to sleep next to though, so he asked Cad and offered.

"No. We'll get plenty of time for co-ed sleepovers on the road. Go have your  _ boy time. _ " Nott waved them off. 

Caleb chucked, shaking his head. He leaned over and kissed Nott's cheek. "Sleep well, Veth." 

She smiled up at him with a surprising softness. "You too, Cay." 

“Don’t worry, Caleb! Nott will get all the love she needs!” Jester assured, pulling Nott into her lap in a crushing hug.

Cad ruffled her hair. "G'night Miss Veth." He rumbled warmly, and to his surprise, she grinned.

They left the girls to their drinks, Caleb pausing to give Beau a short nod, which she returned appreciatively. 

* * *

Caduceus exhaled in relief the moment the door to their room shut. He hadn't realized how much his family--and the delay in reaching them--had weighed on his heart. He was being selfish. He was acting out of fear. Not trusting enough to let Melora guide. Not prepared to see his family and face his own journey, even though his friends had all been willing to go with him.

Caleb put away his things, and when Cad didn't move from the door, he took Cad's pack, half dragging it, and set it beside the bed. Caduceus raised an eyebrow as Caleb rummaged through it until he found Caduceus' comb.

"You still haven't told me what's on your mind." Caleb said, as if that was an explanation for his intrusion into Cad's bag. "You could now, if you want to. You do not have to. But I know something is bothering you. I want to help." 

Caleb sat cross-legged on the edge of the bed, and motioned to Caduceus. "Here. Come sit in front of me." 

Cad looked more exhausted in the low light, away from most of the eyes he tried to keep a brave face for. He situated himself on the floor in front of Caleb, who started combing out the pink and silver strands. 

"Mmm." Caduceus hummed. "That's nice. Thank you."

They sat quietly while Caleb worked. Once the knots were out, Caleb began plaiting the strands. He loved the silky feeling of Cad's hair, thoroughly enjoying how much this touch seemed to relax his partner.    
Finally, Caduceus spoke. “I...I think I understand Miss Nott, some. Not feeling ready to go back to her family.”

Caleb nodded, then realized Cad couldn’t see him. “...I see. Are you...afraid to find yours?” 

“I don’t know. I asked...I asked the Wildmother if they were at the Menagerie. I didn’t...I thought, if I knew they were there, I could buy myself time." He paused. Caleb worked quietly and precisely, waiting for him to continue.

"I don't know if I am ready to see them, but that's just... selfish. What if I'm putting my family and my home in danger because I'm delaying?”

Caleb waited, chewing his lip and considering the question as he finished the braid. His hands fell as reassuring weights on Cad's shoulders. "What did she say to you when you asked if they were there?" 

"She told me they were. There was a chill in it that I'm not sure I understand. But yeah. I...I do know where they are."

"So she gave you the guidance you needed, to choose what order we follow in our goals." 

Cad nodded. Caleb began massaging the knots out of his shoulders. 

"It does not seem to me that you are putting them in more danger. This plan makes the most sense, I think. We all agreed on our course, and you informed that decision. You are smarter than you think. Do you feel you are going against the will of the Wildmother? To go to the Menagerie after we deal with this prism sage person?" 

Cad shook his head "No. No this is the way to do things, I think. It's just…I want to trust without having to ask for assurances. And my family." He sighed and his hands fidgeted in his lap. "I want…" he fell silent.

Caleb watched Caduceus' hands. "Would you like a turn? My hair could use work, if you would be so kind…"

Cad brightened. "Yeah. Please." He climbed in bed behind Caleb, leaning against the headboard. As soon as Caleb was comfortable, Caduceus set to combing, creating a few smaller braids, playing with patterns and then undoing them. He was happy to have something to do with his hands. It helped him think a little more clearly. He thought over how many things Caleb had entrusted to him. It was hard, letting his own weakness show, but this was his partner. Caleb deserved Cad's honesty.

"I am afraid I'll have failed them. That I left the Grove too late. That our home won't be saved because I wasn't quick enough. That I've changed too much, and I'm not who...not who they thought I would be. I don't think I want to go back home with them, not yet," _not without you _he admitted silently, "and that scares me. I don't...want to disappoint them." Caduceus finished in a whisper.

Caleb turned around to face Caduceus, loose braids twisting out of form. He took Cad's face in his hands, and held his gaze steadily. "Caduceus Clay. You found the champion of the Wildmother. You followed the dreams she gave you to forge the residuum crystals. You are proving to be the key to saving the Blooming Grove, all while making a name for yourself as a hero, stopping wars and bailing your friends out of trouble at every turn. More important than that, you are wise, compassionate, gentle...loving. And beyond any of those things you are their son. Their brother." Caleb's voice softened. "If they can see you for even half the man that I do, the man that you  **are,** they could only be proud of you."

Caduceus stared, his large, pink eyes blinking back tears. He opened his mouth to speak but all that came out was a broken, shocked sort of laugh, tinged with disbelief. 

His words hit Caduceus rather harder than Caleb expected. He thought Cad knew all of those things about himself. That he just needed a reminder. But no, Caduceus genuinely didn't know what he was, how wonderful he was.

Caduceus pulled Caleb forward into a kiss, a soft and shy sort of thing. Caleb held Cad's face tenderly. How had Caduceus not known the wonder that he was, when he saw wonder in everything and everyone else? One of Caleb's hands dropped to Cad's chest. Their lips melted apart, noses still pressed to each other's cheeks, lips touching when Caleb spoke again. 

"You could never be a disappointment."

* * *

Caleb lay awake, despite every good reason he had not to be: Cad's warmth beside him, his slow, even breathing, a deliciously satisfying and physically tiring hour and a half in bed before Cad dozed off. Gods, Caduceus was so good to him; tender, eager to learn, extremely attentive. Caleb felt like he was discovering sex all over again, albeit with a knowledgeable head start. It was lovely, and so unexpected. He looked at Caduceus, blissfully asleep, and felt a warmth radiating in his chest. So why was he still awake?

Caleb rolled over on his side, staring at his hands in the faint moonlight. He was still thinking about Cad's fear of disappointing his family. He remembered what it was like to make his parents proud. 

He remembered his mother, dancing around the house with him when he was accepted into the academy. The note his father had written him, tucked into his coat pocket when he left, telling him how amazed he was at all Bren was setting out to do, reminding him that, no matter what, they loved him and were proud of him. The last winter break that he came home, sharing an ale with his father by the fire. Leofric telling him how happy he was that Bren could pursue his dreams. He would make a fantastic professor. Una and Leofric both had hoped Bren could avoid a soldier's life, and find something more fulfilling, life giving rather than life taking. They would have given him the world if they could have.

That was Bren's last visit home.

The last time he held his parents. 

The last time before…

A tear slid over the bridge of his nose, another soaked into his pillow. They came without warning and they did not stop. 

Choked by his tears, Caleb pleaded with the darkness: " _ Papa, Mutti, verzeih mir. Bitte verzeih mir. Verzeihung _ ..."

Caduceus stirred, hearing Caleb's voice. Thinking Caleb was having a nightmare, he rolled over, pressing the length of his body to Caleb's back, embracing him with a comforting pressure. He saw Caleb's open hand and fit his own over it, sealing their palms together, half asleep, but still ready to protect his Caleb. 

"I've got you." He whispered. 

Caleb shifted, blinking up at Caduceus. He couldn't tell him what he had been thinking. He was being selfish. His chance was over. He could never be the son Una and Leofric Ermundrud deserved, but Caduceus was worth being proud of. He was not going to turn Cad's fears into something about himself. 

Cad looked down at him, thankful he was awake and unharmed. "Hey? Um... _ Ich bin hier. Ich--ich bin hier, Sonnenblume."  _

Caduceus stumbled through the words, not sure if he'd gotten them right. Caleb had been teaching him a little Zemnian. He wanted to go in some sort of linear fashion, but he couldn't resist when Cad asked him how to say something, and then would scratch it down onto some scrap of paper, never asking how to spell it. He just wanted to say it right. He wanted to be able to speak to Caleb in ways he could understand when it was too hard to get to Common, to comfort him however was best for him. 

Caleb recognized the halting phrase, and he couldn't help but be drawn out of his past. Caduceus  _ was _ here, here when so many other things weren't and could not be. 

"Ja, you are. You are here,  _ liebling _ .  _ Danke _ ."

"Love you, Cay." Caduceus purred, nuzzling Caleb's hair. "Are you alright?"

Caleb pressed further back into Caduceus. "I...will be. Tighter, please?" He asked shyly. 

Cad wrapped a leg over his hip and hugged both of his arms firmly around Caleb's torso.

"Better?"

"Ja. Can you sleep like this?" 

"I think I can manage." Admittedly, under less distressed circumstances, Caduceus might have felt differently. He liked the intimacy of this position, and tried to remember it for later, when they could be less focused on sleep.

Caleb tried to relax as Caddy quickly found sleep again. He didn't deserve this. Didn't deserve Caduceus, didn't deserve to be forgiven. His parents were two of the most beautiful souls he had ever known, and ultimately he was the reason they were gone from this world. Could there be forgiveness for such an act? Was the path he was on now a way out? A way to redeem himself? 

He was in love. He was trying, and possibly succeeding, in ending the war that created all of this, that took his life and his family. He was not the same person anymore, but did that mean he could leave the past, leave his guilt? 

In the protective hold of Cad's form, Caleb found it harder to ignore the call of sleep. His troubled thoughts began to still.

Somewhere between waking and sleep, he could have sworn he saw his mother's smile. 

* * *

Morning brought other tasks into focus, and while families were still the subject of the day, it was neither Caduceus nor Caleb who had to carry that. Beau was grumpier than usual, but careful not to take that out on anyone. Horses and supplies secured, with many thanks to Jester’s dad for the help, they began the journey that would take them back to a house Beau had once called home. In truth, it had never been that. 

Caduceus tried to show her patience and kindness in any way that she could accept it from him. He understood being resistant to going back, even as much as he thought it might help. He had a loving family, and that didn’t make their relationship less complicated. From what he knew of her situation, there was not much worth going back to.

Caleb tried to throw himself into doing whatever his friends needed of him, being useful and good. He didn’t deserve any of what they gave him, and his mind continued to spin between his past and present: what could he fix? If he couldn’t undo what was done by him, or what was done to Veth, he could at least be useful on the road. The first night, when they made camp, Caleb changed Frumpkin’s form to that of a raven, though he could genuinely use the comfort of his cat. The raven could scout ahead. It would suit their needs better.

Nott and Caduceus both notice his change in attitude. Nott assumed he was trying to make up for the spell that hadn’t worked. Caduceus wondered if it had something to do with their talk the night before. He’d had time as they rode to reflect on the conversation. Cad had talked of his parents, wanting them to be proud of him, to be good enough for them--of course. He should have known that would strike a cord with Caleb. So as the group settled in for their rest within the dome, Caleb found himself, rather surprisingly flanked by his partner and his best friend.

“Scooch over, Cay.” Nott demanded, burrowing into a pile of her blankets and his. Caleb looked up from the journal he was writing in. “Huh? Oh--Ah.” He cleared his scattered belongings away, feeling rather forced to pack up as she took over his space. He almost smiled. That was definitely her intention. Putting the last of his things back into his bag, he turned to his other side, finding Caduceus already there, sitting comfortably on his bedroll, which was partially tucked under Caleb’s. He held out a small cup of tea. “I think you’ll like this one. Chamomile and rooibos. Sweet, and sleepy.”

“Sounds very much like you.” Caleb answered, taking the cup from him with a soft smile.  _ Ah, so they are working together.  _ He thought. Caleb wondered when he had become so easy for them to read. He’d let it happen, really. He had let them in, and somehow, impossibly, they decided to stay, despite everything. He looked around at the rest of their little family. They’d all come to enjoy this cramped space, the closeness of each other. He noticed a couple pairs of eyes glancing in his direction, curious about the extra comfort he seemed to have forced on him. Well, he could at least divert some attention. 

“Jester, I think we need a bedtime story.” He tossed the book Nott had gotten him to her. “Will you read us one? Page 178. Fae queen takes an idiot human with her on a quest to rescue her dryad lover.” He glanced over at Beauregard with a quick wink. 

Beau mouthed a silent “Thank you” back.

Jester was delighted to have her talents requested, and gave one of her best dramatic readings to date. Caleb drank his tea, and laid down, Cad catching him in an embrace before his head had a chance to hit the pillow, Nott curling into his opposite side. Caleb put his arm around her, and with the both of them close, he found it easier to sleep. He was out before the end of the story.

Jester was so taken with the story, and loved how happy it seemed to make Beau that she decided to stay up a little later, sketching a picture of the queen and her lover. The queen definitely had a look of their resident monk about her, and there was a familiar impishness to the dryad. She tore the page from her sketchbook and tucked it under Beau’s pillow before going to sleep.

* * *

Caleb’s dreams were chaotic: He danced with Astrid and Wulf in an apple orchard. They laid down beneath the trees, and held each other in a familiar embrace.

He saw his mother, then she disappeared behind a mirror. He heard her laughter, and then her screams.

He was planting a garden in a graveyard beside his father. 

Caduceus brought him roses in a skull. 

Veth put a flower crown on his head. They were at his wedding, a tall figure at the end of the path, long pink hair blowing in the breeze, waiting for him. When he reached him, he and all of their guests were lifeless skeletons. Caleb turned to Veth, the only figure not a skeleton, but she was just as dead, returned to her goblin form.

Caleb woke with a silent jolt. It was still dark. He hugged Cad and Nott a little tighter, and tried to go back to sleep. The stars provided him enough light to see Yasha sitting up, looking out into the darkness. At least he wasn’t the only one who had trouble sleeping.

* * *

Morning brought another day of travel, more or less uneventful, aside from Beau’s brightened mood upon finding Jester’s gift. She tucked it into a pocket close to her chest. Caleb noticed it was where she kept her most precious mementos, like Caliana’s gift to Molly, still unopened.

By Beau’s reckoning they would reach her parents’ estate tomorrow. She seemed to be steeling herself, determined to present her strength, and not the child her father expected, when they arrived.

It was clear when they stopped for the night that no one was in the mood for stories. 

Beau walked off to do some physical training. She didn’t bring Fjord. She wanted to be alone. She wanted to blow off steam. Maybe shout at a few things. Maybe kick down a tree. Maybe not a tree. She wasn’t up for pissing off any dryads. 

By the time she came back, Caleb and Yasha were the only ones awake. She said a curt goodnight and got into bed. Caleb couldn’t help but be reminded of Wulf, the night before semester break. His father was a hard man. Wulf rarely wanted to go home.

Caleb laid down with Cad at his back, and Nott thrown over both of their legs. For at least a few hours, he made an attempt at sleep.

It was 2:02am when he finally gave up. The embers of their fire were still glowing red. He saw Yasha, unmoved from where she had been. He propped himself up on an elbow, squinting. 

“I don’t like sleeping.” She explained.

“You don’t sleep easy?”

“I seem to not be very good at it, lately…” Yasha told him about trying to avoid nightmares. Caleb understood that all too well. She hadn’t been herself. He knew what that was like too.

“How do you deal with it?” She asked, looking for some sense of direction.

“Is it that obvious?” He didn’t think Yasha knew, but then he remembered Nott, irritable and threatening, her flask lost and her patience thin under Bazzoxan. It was possible she’d let it slip then. 

“Nott?” He guessed.

Yasha nodded “I think...well, I sort of. I don’t remember.”

“Nott.” He confirmed. He directed the focus away from how she knew about him. “Sometimes I feel like two people. I’m better with them.” Caleb looked down at his feet to the halfling-girl-turned-goblin, and the firbolg beside him, an arm still draped around his middle. “One of me is.” He admitted. Caleb was better with them. Bren...wanted to be. Tried to be. Caduceus had accepted him, but the fact that his acceptance meant that he might walk away from the punishment he deserved for his former life...that couldn’t be justice.

“My thing is old, so I guess I am accustomed to it.” He finished. He waited for Yasha to say more, but she just sat, listening, thinking. He carried on with what he was trying to say. Yasha was maybe one of the only people who might understand the conflict he felt. “I thought we were similar when we first met. It’s not just Obann. You have blood in your eye.”

“Yeah.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Why are you sorry?”

“Eh...I...see, hesitation and regret in you, and it is like a mirror. I know regret and I regret.” Caleb felt the pain in his heart once again of all he had lost, and the guilt of building a new life. He didn’t deserve to live, and yet he couldn’t seem to stop living, to stop making a better life. “I regret. And unless my intuition is very off, you regret.”

“So it never goes away?” Yasha whispered. It burned her to think this was going to be her life, for however long she had to live.

“No.” Caleb admitted. “But it’s easier, with people around you that make you feel more like you.” Caleb looked at Caduceus, and stroked his hair fondly. Caduceus made Caleb feel less like two people. Cad hadn’t tried to ignore Caleb’s past, and the more details he learned, the more he chose to accept. Caleb wondered if--he hoped that--he could be the man he was with Caduceus. He wished for that to be alright, though he did not deserve it.

Yasha watched them, and seemed to read Caleb’s conflict. She felt it herself. “Sometimes it feels like the forgiveness is even harder to deal with. Anger is an emotion I know how to deal with...but with everyone being so accepting and nice...I don’t know how to handle it. I know I’m not handling it well, but I’m trying.”

Caleb had let go of Cad, so as not to wake him, and needing something to occupy his nervous energy, he took a diamond from his pocket, spinning it, trying to still his mind with the physical shape. When Yasha spoke, he looked up at her. She understood what so many people could not. 

“I don’t think we can. But, while we are never going to wash our hands, we can use them to leave something better in the world. And maybe the curtain never rises from our eyes, but what else do we do? You either lose yourself to it and forget, or you do your part.”

They both fell silent. Yasha looked out into the night. She thought about how much Caleb had changed since she left. His relationship with Caduceus. He seemed so torn between paying for his past, and trying to build his future. There was a tension to his last statement: You do your part. She thought about Zuala. She thought about all she had lost, and all she had gained. She wanted to move forward. She wondered if that were possible, to hold the past while forging a new life. Caleb seemed to think so, at least enough to try. She looked back at Caduceus, and then Caleb.

“Do you...love him?”

“Yes.” Caleb admitted immediately, but with the shame he could only show to someone who understood how it felt not to deserve that.

“And what about her? The...the woman in Rexxentrum.”

Caleb shook his head, closing his eyes. Astrid and Wulf had been on his mind a lot today.    
“It’s just, I know what it is like, to lose someone you love. And if there was a chance…I’m sorry. I don’t mean to say…” Yasha wasn’t sure how to continue. She was trying to understand for herself. Would her feelings for some of the people around her change if Zuala came back into her life?   
“I loved them, both. Astrid, and Eodwulf. I...it is too late for us. I did...I did speak to her, actually. I cannot say for you, what you have lost, and what you might gain. My life...there is no life back there for me. What I had...it was not what I thought it was. I know that now. I know better” 

“I am happy for you, Caleb. I know you don’t feel like you deserve it, and maybe you don’t, maybe neither of us do, but I am glad you have someone who loves you now. If we’re allowed to be...the better of the two people we feel like, I would pick that one for you.” 

“I...thank you, Yasha.”

They watched the fire die for a little while longer. Yasha had no intention of sleeping, but she saw Caleb’s eyes starting to droop. 

“He will worry about you if you don’t sleep.” 

“He will worry about me anyway.” Caleb answered. “I do not want you...to be alone.” 

“That’s very kind of you Caleb. But I’m not alone. Sleep. You’re missed.”

Caleb laid himself down, and Caduceus, still asleep, curled tighter around him. 

“See?” Yasha smiled.

* * *

The setting sun had just begun to streak the sky orange as the party approached Beau’s family estate. It had rained most of the day, and only now was there any color in the sky. It did little to cheer up the blighted area that this vineyard was built. Caduceus thought to himself that there had to be magic in the ground here, because nothing would be fit to grow in this dismal place otherwise. It made him long for his graveyard. There was nothing lifeless about corpses compared to this. They held infinite potential. 

Beau took a deep breath as they approached the door. She never wanted to see this place again. She hated the thought of being here. But she looked back at her friends, and though she’d been keeping them at arm’s length, particularly since last night, she couldn’t help but be grateful. For Nott, who was the reason they had come, at Jester, who was pouring joy and bravery into her. Yasha who seemed to be lending her strength in a way Beau couldn’t really put into words. Fjord, who she had told already that this was her family. Kamorda was nothing but the place she came from. Caleb, the brother she’d never had--though she’d be damned before telling him so. And Caduceus, quiet, patient, steady, though under that, she knew there was something itching to decompose the rot going on in the world. They all gave her comfort. She could do this. She knocked.

The Lionette home was large, beautiful, and cold. It did not suggest any king of emotional reunion, and that was accurate. Caduceus hurt to watch Beau speak with her mother, there was pain and distance, and then a little one came running in. A boy about two years old. Caduceus smiled. He loved children, but Beau had never mentioned a brother. 

As it turns out, she didn’t know she had one. 

Her mother would not say whether or not she knew she was pregnant when they sent Beau away, but the timing was too perfect, and more than one of the Nein picked up on it. Beau knelt, seeing in this little boy everything her father had expected of her, but that was not the kid’s fault. She loved him immediately. She gave him the necklace her father had given her, because it was his favorite color. Her father named him Thoreau, after himself, arrogant bastard. Beau immediately decided to call him TJ. 

It was uncomfortable for everyone to be around this family, distant, broken. Meeting Beau’s father was particularly unsettling. Yes, there was love there. Beau’s family loved her in their own, stunted way. It seemed off to Caleb how this man wanted nothing to do with his daughter, hurt her and threw her out, only to take pride in her accomplishments when she came home, as if they were his to be proud of. She may have grown up wealthy and well fed, but he did not envy her childhood. He wondered if Beau had ever known love, unconditionally. Jester had similar thoughts.

They managed to get the information they needed, and with a little nudging from Jester, Beau tried to accept her father’s apology, for not knowing how to love her well, for the way things had gone. It didn’t change things, but he had tried. And that was something. Beau was committed to not staying in that house for the night, even if that meant another night on the road. They would take the route Thoreau suggested, looking for the signs of greying woods and dying lands. Not positive portents, but they hadn’t expected better. It wasn’t until they were out of sight of the house that Beau felt she could breathe again.

She stopped, before anyone got on their horses. She was exhausted, she felt a LOT, and she didn’t have the strength to push it down anymore. She was crying, and she hated that. She grabbed Jester and Fjord, the closest to her, and pulled them into a tight hug. 

“Come on.” She grumbled through her tears, and it didn’t take a second asking to get the rest of the Mighty Nein around her, all held together in a close embrace. 

No one spoke. No one needed to. No matter where they might find themselves,  _ this _ was home. 

This was family.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Y'all. Y'all. 
> 
> That Caleb & Yasha conversation MADE ME CRY, okay? So I had to verbatim most of it. 
> 
> Zemnian translations:  
Papa, Mutti, verzeih mir. Bitte verzeih mir. Verzeihung: Papa, Mama, forgive me. Please forgive me. Forgive...
> 
> Ich bin hier: I'm here
> 
> Sonnenblume: sunflower  
Sorry for how slow posting is going. I had to really gather up my brain for this chapter, and lately, my brain has been soup, and all my bowls seem to be a bit cracked.
> 
> I've talked to so many folks who are struggling right now. I know this is just fan fiction, but I hope it helps while we're trying to get through uncertain times. Please stay home and stay safe. Make use of your support structures. Don't do anything desperate if you're trapped inside with unhealthy people. We're going to get through this together. Sending you much love.


	23. Give & Take

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> SPOILERS for Ep 93-94
> 
> In which the Mighty Nein consider what they are willing to give and what they are willing to take for those they care about, and some thoughts about destiny lead to hard choices no one wants to make.
> 
> CW: discussions of inappropriate alcohol use (Nott), discussions of death/burial (Caduceus)
> 
> Nudity (hot tub) but no warnings for the sex-averse in terms of need to skip content.

_ Fresh misery. _

That is what the hag wanted, the only thing she would deal in. The witch only wanted to see them one at a time, leaving the rest anxious, not knowing what each might be willing to give up, or what price might be demanded. Fjord spoke with her of altered destinies, but suspicious of the trade Isharnai offered him, left her without a deal. A change in fortunes was too vague. He was smart not to trust it, Caleb thought. Beauregard went after him. Caduceus was for the first time grateful for his friends’ mistrusting attitudes. They wouldn't trade lightly.

Sitting in a circle in front of the hovel Isharnai called home, each of the Mighty Nein considered their options, weighing what they would give to have Nott’s curse broken, or how they might find an opportunity to kill the hag. Yasha was particularly more inclined towards the second option. She was in no hurry to be indebted to anyone. More than anything, her curiosity kept her from attacking the moment they saw her. 

Nott stared fixedly at the ground, stacking pebbles. Caleb watched her. What would he trade? Something to “balance the scales,” the hag had said. Caleb knew losing Nott would cause him misery. If she left, and went back to her family, if it was all over for them, for who they had been…

But even then, he would not be  _ miserable _ . He would know she was alive, well, loved, and finally herself. He would mourn losing her, but the pain would not outweigh his joy that she was finally free. And anyway, her leaving them for good was not his to offer. That choice was hers. He wanted to hug her, but stopped himself. He could imagine how he would feel if his friends were trying to bargain their own happiness for his. He wouldn't want more attention, and he wouldn't want pity. He wondered, if he had been stronger, smarter, if maybe he could have broken the curse, and they wouldn’t have had to come here at all. 

Things being what they were, he considered what he could give. He had plenty of old misery, but Isharnai had no interest in that. He thought of the things that would add to his misery now. Somewhere along the way, he’d managed to find a great deal he cared about, a great deal he would hate to part with. He could offer many loves in exchange for Nott’s happiness these days. But how was he supposed to choose? Nott had made life possible again, had shown him a way towards living. She could ask him for anything and he would give it, wouldn’t he? 

He wasn’t so sure anymore. 

Caduceus scanned the faces around him. By his standards, he hadn’t experienced much misery compared to his friends. There were probably many things Caduceus could give in exchange for breaking Nott's curse, and perhaps he should be the one to make that trade. The others already carried so much hurt. He could maybe bargain the healing of his home--but no. That was his quest, and it was much bigger than just him. Not an even exchange for Nott’s body, and he didn’t think Melora would allow it.

He could offer to never see his family again, as Nott had been forced never to see hers. 

He could leave the Mighty Nein, and follow his quest alone.

He could leave Caleb.

The thought hit like a stone. Worse than the thought of not seeing his family was the idea of leaving Caleb. Perhaps it was because part of him already assumed he would never see them again, because it was a grief he had been preparing for. Perhaps it was more than that. Now that he knew what it was to be in love, he couldn’t imagine what Nott had felt, living years without her husband, and without her child. Of course, everyone was different. People had their own needs, but Caduceus had barely known Caleb a year--had it been that long? Longer? Time was tricky. But they’d only been together several months and already the idea of losing Caleb was nearly unthinkable. They had both grown so much. Caleb deserved so much better than he had been given, and he was finally getting it. Caduceus saw how Caleb was helping heal the things that Cad had never spoken. He didn’t understand how it had happened so fast, but the truth was he  _ needed  _ Caleb. Though if the pain he felt at the thought of losing Caleb was what Nott was experiencing--and he had no idea what having a child would add--maybe he should let go of Caleb, for her sake. Was that the right thing to do? Caduceus felt torn. He watched Caleb beside him, watching Nott, and wondered if he was thinking the same thing. How would it work? Would one of them remember and the other forget? His stomach ached and he could taste bile in his throat. Caduceus had never imagined that such a beautiful thing could cause so much pain. He should have, he had seen many lovely blooms and their deadly poisons, but he had yet to experience it like this. He started to reach for Caleb, just as Caleb began to lean towards Nott. They both turned as they heard the rickety door slam, and Beau came back outside from the shack.

Jester jumped up to meet her. “Beau, what happened?” 

“I...made an offer.”

“What? What did you trade? Beau?!” Jester’s anxiety was clear in her voice as she grabbed both of Beau’s hands, holding her in place to stop her from trying to avoid an answer.

“Nothing, yet. I just made an offer.”

Nott stood up, glancing at Caleb and stepping towards the door. “I’m going to have a talk with that hag. Don’t do anything stupid while I’m gone.” She stared at Caduceus for a moment, then back to Caleb before disappearing into the hut.

Cad puzzled over what she would think was  _ stupid, _ while Caleb tried to contrive every possible offer Nott might make, and how he could undo any of them without costing her the life she wanted. Caleb flinched when he felt Cad’s fingers slide beneath his on the ground. He hadn’t realized how close Caduceus was. He could feel the man’s warmth, hear his breath. His senses were buzzing in a jarring way, anxiety ticking up every nerve to be on edge.

“‘m sorry Cay.” Caduceus pulled his fingers back. “I didn’t mean to scare you. I just…” Caduceus looked over where Jester and Beau were whispering, Jester looking increasingly upset, Fjord and Yasha watching the way they had come, pretending not to listen in. “What do you think she meant by not doing anything stupid?”

Caleb stared at the door of the shack. “Probably do not set the house on fire while she is in it.” he answered blandly. 

“Hmm. I don’t think she would look at me for that.” Caduceus pondered. “That’s not really my bailiwick. And I don’t think I could really stop you…”

Caleb looked over Caduceus’ face. “You think she had something specific in mind for you?” 

“Well, she looked at you, and then at me, a-and…”  _ and maybe she thinks it would be stupid to try and give you up. Or maybe she thinks it’s stupid  _ ** _not _ ** _ to bargain that.  _ He couldn't really be sure Nott would warn them against choosing a bargain without her when she was in there right now making a bargain, or maybe she was trying something more violent. That seemed more like her.

Caleb pivoted to face Caduceus, and took his hand again. “What is it,  _ liebchen _ ? You are worried, and I am not sure Veth started it.”

“What would  _ you _ give, for Miss Nott--for Veth’s happiness? For her to have her life back?”

Caleb’s face flushed with shame. He didn’t know how to answer. He suspected Caduceus had thought about their relationship, one love in exchange for another, their separation in exchange for Nott’s. It was fair, but it was...wrong. He squeezed Cad’s hand harder than he realized. “I do not want to trade  _ anything _ . One cannot just decide one misery is equal to another, and I do not want to deal in misery anymore, Caduceus. I have doled out enough of it for one lifetime--for many lifetimes. Why should we be willing to give this witch more suffering to feast on?” He wanted to set Veth free without deals. He didn’t want to feed a creature who thrived on the pain of others.

Caduceus felt the anger rise in Caleb through his grip, and the way his voice dropped to a quiet growl. 

This place had the feel of death in it, unnatural death, disquiet death. Cad had no qualms about ending the hag if it came to that, but he didn’t want to put his friends in danger, and he is own insecurities were beginning to play him--perhaps he was becoming selfish. Perhaps his interest in Caleb was distracting him, keeping him from what he was supposed to be doing. Perhaps he should give it up. The uncertainty crept up on him, the fear that he was no use to his family, to the Wildmother, even to Caleb. He never felt really “with it” enough to know what the next step was, if any of his choices were right, not when it came to himself, to things like this.

Caleb watched the slow processing on his partner’s face, but just as he began to speak, Nott reappeared with a look of frustration--maybe guilt--on her face. Jester gathered everyone close for a little planning.

“Okay you guys. We’re not just going to have everyone go in there and try to give away things without talking about it first. Together.” she looked at Beau. “And there are some deal breakers I am going to set out, before anyone else goes in there.  **No one** is leaving the Mighty Nein.” Jester made eye contact with each of them individually. “Not like this. If you want to go, fine..but--” 

“I don’t think anyone  _ wants _ to leave, Jester.” Fjord assured her. Heads nodded.

“It’s...why leaving would have been the biggest misery I could offer. Losing my family like Nott lost hers.” Beau explained. She leaned on Jester a little, to reassure her.

Caleb’s grip had somewhat loosened on Cad’s hand, but at Jester’s words Caduceus squeezed a little tighter. Realization clicked into place in Caleb’s mind: Caduceus _ had  _ been trying to talk to him about leaving. Of course he looked afraid. Of course he had been upset. He was willing to let go of what he had--with the Nein and with Caleb. Considering what they had talked about during their night at the Evening Nip, Caleb was sure that being alone was the last thing Caduceus needed. He shook his head. His partner could be as much a masochist as Caleb was himself. Caleb’s behavior was motivated by grief, a feeling of getting what he deserved. Caduceus ran with a feeling that he must do whatever caused the greatest good, but isolation had somewhat distorted his perception of how much suffering he should shoulder for it, and what he could be expected to carry alone. 

The hag could burn. Caleb wouldn’t let Caduceus do that to himself with this. He squeezed Cad’s hand back, muttering something in Zemnian.

The group discussed what had already been offered. Beau’s deal was off the table. Fjord’s change of fate could be manipulated, either to their advantage or disadvantage. Caleb tried to school his face into something resembling calm when Veth revealed that she had offered to disrupt the tentative peace between the Empire and the Dynasty, starting the war afresh. Since the death of his parents, he had been fighting to undo that misery, to stop the loss of more innocent lives. Was Veth really willing to trade that? Caleb hid the small shattering in his heart well.

“I would still like to talk with her.” Yasha spoke up finally. Her voice was soft but determined. “I’m not saying I want to let her live...but I’d like to see what she says first.”

Reluctantly they agreed to send Yasha next, with the promise that no one would agree to any deal without input from everyone else.

Yasha entered the hut, and Isharnai was certain she had never seen a more decadent plate of misery. Surely this--but Isharnai, like many of her kind, wanted a fair trade. Yasha’s misery was too rich for this bargain, other parts of it too old, too distant. But there was always room for another deal. She plied Yasha with the offer of resurrection. What if she could have Zuala back? 

That was the hag’s mistake. Yasha loved her wife dearly, but she knew something of resurrection too. She had loved Mollymauk through his. Molly lived another life before they met, before the months of his silence, learning to live, inventing himself. He was so often terrified. Yasha had been his only comfort then, and the person he was before, this Lucien, Molly wanted nothing to do with him. 

Even if she could raise the dead, Isharnai could not return Zuala to her. More than likely, Zuala would be a completely different person, if she was lucky. She could just come back a husk, a shell, a body, moving but empty. Painful as it was, it seemed it may be better to leave the dead be, and let them rest as they may.

Yasha spit a threat at Isharnai, turned on her heel and rejoined her friends. She felt like she had passed a test, although she could not be sure she was relieved about it. 

The group’s conversation and Yasha’s time with Isharnai had given Jester time to scheme something truly brilliant, if it came to that, if it worked. She wasn’t sure she could make it work, but she could certainly try. She dashed into the hut the moment Yasha exited.

The waiting grew restless, and finally Caleb stood, pulling Cad with him. 

“Don’t go for a walk around here!” Nott hissed at them. 

“There’s no telling what else is nearby.” Fjord agreed.

“Not going far.” Caleb assured them. He stayed near the hutm and within view of them. He just wanted a word alone. When he felt they had a modicum of privacy, Caleb laced both of his hands together with Caduceus’, and for a little while he just stood there, studying the feeling of their hands together. It was remarkably similar to another time, defining things between them, promises of a kind, in the Ready Room in Bazzoxan.

“Caduceus, I need you to...would you promise me something?”

Cad tilted his head. “I...probably. That depends on what you’re asking, Mr. Caleb.” 

Caleb gave him a sad sort of smile. Caduceus had good reason not to give Caleb a direct yes. Still. “I-I want you to promise me you will not make a deal with that woman.”

Caduceus didn’t answer right away. He had a lot he might like to talk to her about. What if there was something she could do...something he could give that would save his home, or his family? What if she had a way of helping him on his quest? He was supposed to be putting that first, wasn’t he? The Wildmother used all kinds of means to accomplish her will. It was possible...

“Please.” Caleb insisted in a ragged whisper. He didn’t like the idea of telling Caduceus what to do, what decisions he should make, but Caduceus was too good. He would get himself trapped in a deal, thinking he would receive one thing and getting something very different. He would try to hold the consequences alone, and what if Caleb couldn’t help him? How many years had he worked to help Nott? And even with the right spell, he had failed. “Don’t...make a deal with her. Talk to her if you must, if you think some good will come of it, but Caduceus...Caddy, please. I cannot… _ Geh nicht dorthin, wo ich nicht folgen kann. _ ” 

Caduceus heard the tears in his voice, not quite being allowed to surface on his face. “I...alright, Sunflower, I won’t. If that’s what you need.” He hooked a finger under Caleb’s chin. “But... will you promise me the same then?”

He leaned down to kiss Caleb just as Jester reappeared. 

“Okay, everything is fine. Nott, your curse is broken, but we have to go. We’re going. NOW.”

Jester’s tone left no room for questions, let alone any of Cad’s soft kisses. They ran from the hut, no one but Jester knowing what had happened.

* * *

It was dark by the time they reached any spot that seemed stable enough for camping. The swamp had little in the way of solid ground, and a dome could only do so much. It couldn’t create ground where there was none. Thus far the Nein had only been able to get out of Jester that she had traded a cupcake for Nott’s freedom, which could not possibly be true, but they had no time to discuss it further. The noise they made in trying to clear a site to camp drew the creatures in the wood, and Caduceus discovered the origin of that sick, unsettled feeling that had been picking at his senses. A hoard of husk creatures, ghoulish undead were closing in. It didn’t take long to discover that their attacks weren’t the only risk, when the first zombie exploded, its insides releasing a noxious poison. Caduceus took his place in front of Caleb, shielding him from the attack so he could cast their hut, turning the undead as they hurled themselves forward in waves. Caleb tried not to stare, not to look at what was attacking, and what Jester kept fighting off and what Caduceus was casting at. He fumbled with his spell when he heard Jester scream--a young blue dragon hovering above. Fortunately Caleb caught sight of Fjord, concentrating on the space the dragon inhabited. An illusion.  _ Good. That should work. _ He thought.

Moments later, though it seemed much longer, Caleb had the hut cast, and ushered his friends inside. Most of the undead seemed to be taken care of, but more could come. They wouldn’t be safe until morning, and truthfully not until they were out of the woods. 

Finally Jester had time to explain how she had managed to bargain with Isharnai for just a cupcake. The dust of deliciousness and a clever use of Modify Memory earned Jester the supposed friendship of the hag, and until she figured out--if she figured out--what actually happened, she would believe that Jester’s good company was enough to make her choose to release Nott from the curse. No one felt sure it would work for long, though they couldn’t deny the brilliance of it, and there was relief that no one had to trade something more precious than an old cupcake and some magic powder. This discussion of what they might have had to give turned around on Beauregard, for offering to make herself miserable, leaving the family she’d made--the family they had all made. Truth be told, she was not the only one who had considered the same sacrifice, but she caught the brunt of the criticism for being the one to offer it first. 

“It wouldn’t have just made  **you** miserable, Beau.” Jester pushed. “We would have all been miserable. We don’t want you to leave. I don’t want any of you to leave.”

Caduceus fidgeted uncomfortably. In the small space, Caleb could feel him shifting, and he didn’t like the thought that Cad might still have a mind to leave. He knew, he had to know, this couldn’t be forever. Caduceus was always going to go back to his family.

Caleb tried to shake off that thought, instead reminding Beau of a time not long ago when she had stopped him from running off. “Take your own advice, ja?” he jibed. 

Nott looked far from relieved for someone who had just had a murderous curse lifted, and her nervous energy spoke loudly to Caduceus. She confessed feeling guilty, for staying, or for leaving, for wanting to change, and for not wanting it. 

They all listened, trying to empathise. Caleb struggled to process all of her feelings at once, where Caduceus was more comfortable just sitting with her while she felt them. He could relate to some of it. Afterall, if they found his family, if his journey was on its way to the end, wouldn’t he be leaving too? Going back to the Blooming Grove...possibly alone, if his fears about his family were...he didn’t want to think about that.

“Miss Veth, I think you need to look inside yourself. Reflect. Don’t rush. You’ll find your answer, and when you’re ready you’ll be able to act on what you truly want. But you need time, and contemplation. Maybe without the help of that.” He pointed at her flask.

“What? You mean like, meditate?”

“Meditation is a way, yeah. Actually, I think that could be a really good way for you to learn.” 

“And you think that would be better if I  _ weren’t _ drunk?” Nott asked, skeptically.

“It could help, friend.” Caleb put a hand on her shoulder. “But, it is your choice.”

Much to their surprise, she nodded, and put the flask aside. “I’ve tried everything else. And I still...don’t know what I want. And I don’t want this,” she gestured to her flask “to get between me and my family.” Caleb grinned. He would like to know who his best friend was when she wasn’t drunk. He hoped she was ready for that.

The conversation became something of a group learning experience when Beau offered to lead them in a meditation. Despite her attitude, and her usual restlessness with the practice, she was actually a pretty good teacher. As she instructed them to find a comfortable position, Caleb, sitting cross-legged, motioned to Caduceus, and Cad laid down on his back, resting his head in Caleb’s lap. Caduceus couldn’t think of a better way to sink into the openness of the Wildmother’s presence than here. Caleb thought he looked very at peace, personally just grateful to have Cad’s presence to ground him. Meditation made Caleb nervous. He didn’t like to “empty his mind.” There was no telling what would come in if he made too much room in there. But whenever he felt his mind get too still, and other thoughts crept in, he stroked Cad’s hair, or listened to his even, deep breathing. By the end of it, he felt...better than he usually would after something like this. He also noticed he was one of few still awake. Even Caduceus, who regularly meditated, had drifted off. Caleb carefully extricated himself from beneath him, and found their bags, getting a blanket for them both and Cad’s pillow. He covered Caduceus carefully, trying not to disturb him, when Jester crept up beside him.

“Um...Caleb? I’m sorry about the spell.”

“The spell? Jester, you were brilliant--you saved us a lot of trouble. Trouble we may have to deal with later,” he admitted, “but still, that was very clever.” 

“I mean, about modifying her memory. I just want you to know, I would never--”

Caleb held up a hand to stop her. “Jester, I know that, and I trust you. You are many things. None of them are the monsters I have known.” He smiled at her warmly, and she beamed back.

“That means a lot, Caleb. Thank you.”

“It is only the truth. Now, go get some sleep.” He gently pushed her towards her bedroll, climbing down onto his own.

Caleb watched Caduceus sleep, his hand reaching out on its own to trace the contours of Cad’s face, the high cheekbones, the scruff along his jaw. He would miss this, when Caduceus finally had to leave. Caduceus stirred a little, seeking the source of the touch. He caught Caleb’s palm with a tiny kiss, eyes fluttering open for a moment. 

“There you are.” He mumbled. “Didn’t see you follow me into the forest.” He was still caught in a dream, so Caleb played along. “Oh, I go where you go, friend. Let’s get back to the trees then, ja?” He laid his head down on Cad’s chest, Caduceus already a breath away from sleep.

* * *

The morning light burned off some of the more eerie feel of the swamp, and cleared any of the roaming zombies that had lumbered near their camp in the night. There was no sign that Isharnai had followed them or sent something after them, so they had to assume Jester’s trick had worked. Now was the best time to move on with their journey, which meant taking Caduceus to the Menagerie, to find his family and see what fate held for him there.

Caduceus was obviously hesitant about the whole thing. The closer he got to what he believed was his destiny, the more uncertain he became.

The best Caleb could do was suggest getting back to the Xhorhaus, resupply, and see if Essek might give them a head start on their trip. He was secretly hoping they could buy a night, or at least a few hours at home...though he recalled there was little to attach them to that house as home. They were watched when they were there, but that was less of an issue at present. It was a destination, and it was out of the swamp. Good enough. Jester used stone shape to form a solid enough patch of ground to draw his circle on, allowing his friends to make the jump once again back to Rosohna.

* * *

The house was still, utterly silent when the Mighty Nein stumbled in, unloading bags, and breathing a sigh of relief to be in a familiar place. Nott was disappointed with the state of things. She'd gotten used to having Yeza or Dairon around to look after the house. She preferred to come home to a stocked pantry, no dust, and no errands to run. Caleb rolled his eyes with a sarcastic smirk. It didn’t take his friend long to become accustomed to luxury. There was a time the both of them would have paid dearly to sleep in the stable of a house like this. He had never in his life had a housekeeper, although his mother had taken such a job every now and again when money was tight. He had a hard time thinking he needed one now, but wouldn’t mind being able to help out someone like his mother with the extra coin.

Nott decided to take it upon herself immediately to find someone to help around the house--with the caveat that this person had to be approved by all of the Nein, unanimously. There was no telling how long that would take. It was far from a pressing issue, given their plans to continue the journey towards Caduceus’ family today, but Veth was out the door before anyone could have stopped her. 

Caduceus was grateful for the pause. He felt a nervous twist in his gut again, and the chill that accompanied every thought of his family, of what was happening to them, what might have already happened, and what would happen to him if this was his quest’s end. 

“I for one, slept like hell, and that swamp was filthy. I’d say I’m due for a bath, and a nap.” Fjord announced to no one in particular. 

“Oo! Me too! I think we could all use a bath. She hooked an arm with Caleb. “Come on. Don’t want to get back your reputation of stinky, do you?” 

Caleb chuckled. “I do not.” 

“I still say Caleb has always smelled nice.” Caduceus called, heading in the opposite direction. 

Jester looked over her shoulder at him. “If you say so-- hey aren’t you coming with us? Everyone else is having a bath, Caduceus!” Beau and Yasha had disappeared as soon as they hit the door, likely to baths and bed. 

“In a bit. Want to check the kitchen first. See if there’s anything worth taking with us.” 

Caleb allowed himself to be led to the MT Spa, steam already filling the room. Yasha waved them over.

“Rinse first!” Beau demanded, pointing to the well spout. “We don’t want a whole bunch of swamp mud in the bottom of the tub, thanks.”

* * *

In the kitchen, Caduceus stared at the empty sink, hands bracing either side. He could ask again. He could commune with the Wildmother and ask if they were still with the Stone family. No. No, that would be faithless. He just wanted a different answer. This quest had been his lifeline, his way out of the dark. He was just trying not to let it end. Even if his family were alright, which he had no promise of, even if he was going home  _ with _ them, even though Aunt Corin understood him, and he missed Belle dearly, there was just something so lonely now about the Grove. Maybe it was the time that had passed there without his family. Maybe he would get used to things again, and it wouldn’t feel so bad. But what if he didn’t have to get used to things again? What if he could stay with these people? With  _ him _ . Caduceus turned around, looking over the tidy, open kitchen, and sighed heavily.

“Does it have to end?” he whispered. It was pained, almost a prayer, but he would not ask the Wildmother directly. He didn’t want to hear her say yes.

* * *

Caleb felt the water soak into his sore muscles, and even surrounded by the others, he could relax a bit. As usual he sunk down to his chin, letting the water hide him. Usually a trip to the hot tub meant boisterous noise and joking. Everyone was too tired for that, it seemed. Nothing like a night surrounded by shambling zombies and getting drenched in swamp water to dampen the energy.

Jester splashed Fjord in the face when his eyes started to droop and his head dipped. “Hey! No sleeping in the tub.” 

“I hear lots of people drown that way.” Yasha added. 

“Then it looks like I had better get upstairs. Do you think I’ve still got time for a nap before Nott gets back with her...whatever she’s going to do? Hire somebody?”

Caleb nodded. “Knowing Nott, she’ll follow them for an hour or so, watch their every move, and steal from them at least once before even making an introduction. And she doesn’t know her way around this city. You have time.”

“Well wake you up when she gets here.” Jester promised. 

It took almost no time for Yasha, Beau and Jester to realize they were as tired as Fjord. 

Beau looked back as they were leaving. "Caleb, don't fall asleep in here.”

“I do not plan to, Beauregard. I will read a book. I am sure I tucked one around here somewhere.” He waved his hand aimlessly over the side of the tub. 

“Enjoy your edubation!” Jester called. 

“Ew. Gross. I’m leaving.” Beau said, marching determinedly out of the spa and up to her room.

Caleb laughed to himself but made no move for any kind of reading material. Instead he sat up and rested his head on the side of the hot tub.

He breathed and tried to untangle his mess of thoughts. He thought over what Veth had offered Isharnai. He knew she was desperate, and to anyone not  _ in  _ the war it felt distant. Maybe she offered to rip open the fighting, planning never to have to make good on it, to kill Isharnai before the deal was made. He wanted to believe that, but he felt like she would have told him, if that was her plan. In the past, they would have done this together. He hated that her offer felt like a betrayal, especially now, especially when he was trying to do everything in his power to save her, to give her back her family. When Caduceus was ready to give up everything they had for Veth’s sake.

That got Caleb to pondering what he and Caduceus said to each other at Isharnai’s hut. Promising not to make a deal with her--the unspoken ask, not to leave. He thought about the way Caduceus had reassured Veth that she could find her own path, take her time, and yet Caduceus seemed to be running out of time. He considered the ways Cad had been stalling, avoiding even talking about his family, and what their plans were, even for today. If they hadn’t...if he hadn’t loved the man, if Caduceus didn’t love him, it would be easier to dismiss, to accept that they were having a good time, and that it would end, as these things do. But this was so much more than “a good time.” You don't trust your "good time" with secrets. You don't give them your pain. You don't  _ need  _ them. You don't fall in love with a good time. 

And Caduceus did things slow, he did everything slow. A couple months with some wizard on the side, ending it once the job was finished...it didn’t seem like his Cad. Caleb could believe many people would do that, especially with him. But that wasn’t Caduceus--he hoped it wasn’t Caduceus. If Cad had chosen to love Caleb, it felt like that would be for longer... wouldn't it?

Finally he reached for his coat and retrieved a copper wire.

* * *

Caduceus tidied what he could in the kitchen, tumbling things over in his mind until he heard a familiar Zemnian timbre in his ear. 

“The water is warm, Herr Clay. Will you join me?...You can reply to this message.”

Caduceus' ears perked immediately at the sound. Caleb. He wanted nothing more than to join him, to stay with him, to face whatever loss was ahead, even go back to the Grove, if Caleb was coming with him. 

But would that be possible? Caleb had his own path, a path Caduceus  _ wanted _ to see through with him, but that wasn't his destiny. He was supposed to serve the Wildmother. At the Blooming Grove. Wasn’t he? He was Caduceus Clay, maker of fine graves. At least, he was, before. What was he now?

Cad hadn't realized he was going anywhere, or that he had forgotten to reply to Caleb's message until he was standing in the door of the spa. Water sloshed as Caleb greeted him.

"Hallo." His voice was shy. Uncertain.

"Hey." Caduceus answered. 

"Are you up for a bath? I can...go if you would rather be alone."

" I think if I wanted to be alone, I would still be in the kitchen." Cad spoke as if he was still just puzzling out for himself how he'd ended up here. "But maybe not a bath." Caduceus looked down at himself, seeing the mild layer of grime. "Should get cleaned up though."

He felt heavy, suddenly very tired, as if everything he had so willingly carried with him from the Bone Orchard, his family, the forest's curse, his fears, his loneliness, his unflinching hope, had all finally registered their weight. Slowly he began unbuckling his armor, laying it to the side. He folded his clothes neatly and lifted the handle of the well pump, water springing from its spout. He knelt down and began washing. 

Caleb stared after him. He didn't know what exactly it was, but something moved him to go to Caduceus. He wanted to do  _ something _ for him, and the idea that came to his mind, it was more like a push in his soul, felt like the right kind of something. He tied a towel around his waist, and wordlessly took Cad's washcloth.

"May I?" He whispered. It felt wrong to break the silence, but he had to ask, and the magic in whatever this moment was did not seem altered. Caduceus nodded, and Caleb washed him, head to toe, gently, purposefully. He stretched each arm, bathing with care, caressing each finger. He softly scrubbed every ridge down his spine, his hands moved faithfully over the long sinuous lines of his legs. Even in washing his sex, there was a tone of honor, as if the only thing Caleb wanted Caduceus to hear was that he was worthy. 

Caduceus watched him as if in a dream. It felt like being prepared for burial, the way he had so often prepared a new resident of the Grove. But they were not in the Grove, and Caleb had said he was alive. Maybe he had been, and now he wasn't, and this was how Caleb said goodbye.

It was when Caleb began combing out his hair that Cad finally asked. "Caleb, did--am I dead?"

"_Nein,_ _liebchen_. You are not dead. You are very tired." Caleb answered him as if it were the most natural thing in the world to ask, and that in itself was a relief. Caleb never made him feel odd for being the way he was, and when he was in dark places Caleb seemed to understand how to get there with him, and get back out again. All the more reason not to leave, Cad thought.

Caleb reverently laid the braid over Cad's shoulder. His hair was paler than usual. Likely it needed another treatment of lichen. Since learning that was Caduceus' trick, Caleb wondered if it was a choice, to let the color go, or if it was out of necessity, or if Caduceus hadn't felt able to keep up with it. He wanted Cad to take care of himself, the way he took care of the rest of them.  _ Ja, look who is talking, _ his brain jeered back. It was a fair point.

"How do you feel now?" Caleb asked. He was standing in front of his partner, holding his cheek in one hand, just studying him.

"Clean...from the inside too. Still very tired." Caduceus sighed. He blinked slowly and his eyes met Caleb's.

"Then you should sleep. We have time, Caduceus." 

Caleb helped him to his feet, and dried him off. Cad tied his pants loosely around his waist as Caleb gathered his clothes, remaining in a towel.  _ Do we have time?  _ He wondered. Caduceus stopped him in the doorway. 

"Thank you, Caleb. I don't know if you know….what this means to me."

"I don't know either." Caleb admitted, "but I needed to do it. I do not know why." 

Caduceus hummed with an odd sort of understanding. Caleb tugged him forward, until he was willingly climbing the stairs to his tower.

Caleb busied himself with water for tea, knowing he could brew chamomile without any major cock ups, then set to turning down the bed. 

Caduceus stopped short of getting to his sleeping quarters, staring up at his tree, the beauty of it, the goodness it provided. He breathed a little easier. Things made more sense here. Melora was not trying to take from him. She was not trying to isolate him again. He laughed to himself.  _ Nothing _ about the Wildmother embodied isolation. 

For so long, alone in his shrine he thought he was being punished, or taught a lesson. He had never considered that the loneliness was part of the curse. Perhaps it was also something She was trying to heal. Melora’s face seemed to glow within the tree at that thought, just as Caleb came around the other side.

"Caduceus? I, ah, have tea for us. Come rest,  _ bitte.  _ I will feel better if you rest." 

Cad grinned at him, and the look eased some of Caleb's anxiety. 

"You are a wonder, Mr. Caleb."

Caleb ducked his head, attempting to accept the compliment. 

They found their way to Caduceus' bed, and drank their tea in silence. Caleb watched him, waiting to ask the things he'd been wondering. 

"We are very close to finding your family, healing your home, Caduceus." Caleb said finally. "It is, eh, a big deal for you, friend. A very big deal. It's... what you set out to do." Caleb wanted to say more, to ask more, but he wasn't sure how. 

Caduceus nodded. "I thought it would feel different, getting this close to fixing things, and to finding out what happened to my family. I thought-" he chuckled to himself. "I thought when you three showed up at my door, I would be gone for a few days. I was homesick a lot, in the beginning. And now…" 

"Now you are not so sure you want what you thought you wanted." Caleb said. He had felt the same. He wanted time magic, he wanted to fix what he had done, and yet, that didn't seem as right as it used to. He wasn't sure anymore if his solution, his redemption, lay in the past, or if it was here, now.

"Exactly." He heard Caduceus say, after considering the thought. "and I am afraid that... well, like I told you. Afraid of what I might find, what I might not be able to heal."

Caleb nodded. Finishing his tea, and seeing Cad's empty cup, he put their glasses aside, and wrapped himself in Cad's arms, his back resting on Cad's chest. "From one man who is unsure of his destiny, as you call it, to another who is having questions, I think, maybe it is okay to take our time, ja? Enjoy what we have now, for as long as we might have it." 

Caduceus hugged Caleb tight, breathing him in, committing the feel of his skin against his own to memory. "I didn't plan for this, Mr. Caleb, and now I don't..I don't think I know how to be without it." 

"That sounds... almost like how you once described fate to me, Herr Clay. Perhaps we do not have to be without this."

Caduceus buried his face in Caleb's hair, and Caleb allowed himself to be held, and dared to hope that he was not wrong. 

* * *

It felt like Nott’s hiring errand ended far too soon, although Caleb was sure if she hadn’t come back all night, he still might have felt that way. He and Caduceus spent her hours away not moving from Cad’s bed, just holding each other. Neither of them could have pointed to another time like it, and while comforting, it made it harder to think about what would happen if Caduceus had to return to his home alone.

Sure enough she had found a young drow, eager for Nott’s price, 40 gold a month to keep house. Caleb balked. His family made 50 gold a year when he was a child. He smirked, they had the coin to spare. They may as well make someone else’s life easier. After submitting to the Zone of Truth, thorough questions, and experiencing general antics of the Mighty Nein, the girl was confirmed, and they had found their housekeeper. All that was left was to find Essek, and leave for the White Dawn Lagoon. The hope that he can take them anywhere is somewhat ill-founded, as Essek explains again that it is much more dangerous, difficult, and likely to fail, if he has never been to the place before. 

Of course, Essek’s studies hadn’t let him down either, and he knew enough about the place to get them to exactly where they wanted to be. 

The blazing sun on white sand, and the humid jungle spreading before them overwhelmed Essek Theyless, who had never seen this much daylight in his life. Jester caught his discomfort immediately. Of course she wanted him to stay, and to come with them. They could use his help, and with all the talk of changes and leaving and quests...she wanted to make a friend. She got out her magic paints in the blink of an eye, and painted Essek the most delightful pink parasol anywhere. She presented it to him with a flourish while he stood shielding his eyes from the burning light.

“I, oh. Thank you, Jester.” he said, somewhat bewildered. “I’m still not staying, but thank you.”

“That’s okay. We’re friends. You can use it. Plus it looks great with your outfit!”

Essek cocked an eyebrow at her suspiciously, but Caduceus noticed a smirk in the corner of his mouth. He liked the gift.

“Do you think you could make me a parasol like that?” Cad asked her after Essek had teleported back to darker and more familiar places. He was pulling on his sun hat and looking towards the shade of trees with a bit of longing.

“Aww, Caduceus! Of course! Do you want one right now?”

“Not just yet. I want to think about how it would look. What I’d like.” He smiled conspiratorially. 

“I LOVE that! This is going to be fun!”

It was clear in looking ahead that they needed some direction on how to proceed. The jungle was perilous. The Wildmother had confirmed that this was the right place, but that getting to the Menagerie would be dangerous. Caduceus was doing his best to take comfort in that knowledge, and to push down his fear, or at least let it simmer into something more useful. 

“I can find us a path, I think.” He offered, scanning the treeline for the best opening.

“Ah, Herr Clay, wait.” Caleb pulled him down, placing a pearl against his forehead and casting Fortune’s Favor, which he sealed with a quick kiss. “For luck.” Hey explained. Caduceus grinned at him, and led them to the trees. Of course he was almost instantly distracted by the strange vegetation of the place. A flower caught his eye and he had to ask it for its name. Caleb felt the flare of his magic as Cad used his fortune on the plants rather than their way forward. He couldn’t help but laugh. Of course that’s what he used it for.

Fjord offered to take the lead on the next part of their trek, being less distracted by flora and fauna. Caleb again gave him Fortune’s Favor. When they spell was cast, Fjord looked a bit disappointed. “What, no kiss?” He teased. 

Caleb scowled in mock annoyance. “Why, do you want one?” He raised an eyebrow, waiting to get a rise out of Fjord. 

Fjord laughed. “I think I’m good, thanks. Might end up distracted by a tree.” Caduceus just smiled casually back. He liked being distracted by trees, and flowers, even if it did slow them down. 

Fjord may have avoided distraction, but his bravado cost him as he stumbled blindly into a venus flytrap large enough to swallow them whole. Everything in this jungle seemed carnivorous or poisonous. Yasha felt that this was more her forte, and offered to take the lead, and slice their way through with her blade. Caleb again offered Fortune’s Favor, which she accepted. “No kiss.” 

Caleb nodded “No kiss. Didn’t expect you’d want one.”

Evening came on quickly, and Beau scaled a tree to look for a place to stop, somewhere free of trees and most things that wanted to eat them. With help from a blessed ass-slap courtesy of Jester, she spied a clearing, that they were able to reach before dark.

Nott’s restlessness grew, not only with the humidity and the bugs, but the lack of drink. She tried to keep her irritability down, recalling the last time she’d tried to quit drinking. But Caleb was distracted, and Caduceus was lying on the grass, talking to a beetle. She could steal a nip--

At least, she thought she could, until Yasha’s strong hand slapped the flask from her, and swiped it into her pack. “Hey. What was your plan?”

Nott fumbled an excuse.

“That’s what I thought.” Yasha said, and she took a swig herself. 

“Hey!” Nott protested. 

“You’ll make more. You’re fine.” 

Beau laughed, pretty sure that this brand of tough love was perfect for Nott.

Caleb went from casting the hut immediately to turning raven-Frumpkin into a capuchin monkey, a bit more fitting for the surroundings, and likely pretty useful. Ritual castings took time, and focus, and that helped him some. He’d been absorbing some of Cad’s anxiety, as well as feeling his own. It was supposedly only a day’s journey to the Menagerie. This could be his last night with Caduceus. The jungle was no place to sneak off for a tryst, and he found he wasn’t really looking for that. He just wanted to be close, to hold on for as long as he could.

Jester offered to take first watch, choosing to stay up alone while the others rested. It was too warm here to sleep in their usual clothing. Caduceus not being one for undergarments chose to remove everything but the lightest pair of pants he owned. The rest of them, for the most part, stripped as much as they comfortably could, and were grateful for a bit of breeze. 

Caleb crawled over to Caduceus, and despite the heat, Cad embraced him. 

“How are you tonight, Cad?” Caleb whispered.

“I am...here. I want to just be here, for now. While I can.”

Caleb nodded. “Me too. Stay close to me tonight?” he asked, using the words Caduceus had used, the first time he asked to sleep next to Caleb.

“Yes, please. Stay close.” Cad agreed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Geh nicht dorthin, wo ich nicht folgen kann: Don't go where I cannot follow
> 
> Very excited for the next couple of chapters. We are nearing the end of this story arch, and I have (I hope) some wonderful things in store for you.
> 
> Since the last chapter I posted, someone very dear to me died, and that grief has slowed me down. I'm also finding the social isolation to be augmenting some of my mental health issues, thus the slow posting.
> 
> I am really big on finishing what I started, so please know that even if it takes a while, the story will get finished. I haven't posted a chapter count yet, because I'm not sure the exact number. It's looking like we'll end on chapter 26 or 27. 
> 
> Thank you as always for reading, for enjoying, for playing and for the overwhelming kindness you give as a community. I really appreciate not just getting to nerd out about this show, but the loving people that are a part of this fandom. You are all very good humans.


	24. Family Reunion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> SPOILERS FOR EP 95-96 Finally we find the Menagerie, and most of Cad's family.

Caduceus blinked his eyes open with the first spindly fingers of dawn. The humid air had cooled, and Caleb buried his face in Caduceus' chest, hiding from the dewy morning mist. 

Today Caduceus would find out what happened to his family. He would finish what he had set out to do. He would go back home, with whoever of the Clays they found. He would return to his life as Caduceus Clay, Maker of Fine Graves. 

Anxiety twisted in his gut. 

He _ liked _being Caduceus Clay of the Mighty Nein. He liked the way he fit in with them. He liked cooking for them, and reminding them to slow down and rest. He liked that he could be family to Fjord who had never known one, and to Beau and Yasha, who had been so hurt by theirs, to Veth and Jester who were separated from theirs, to Caleb, who had lost his…. twice. 

Caduceus thought about all he had learned of Caleb's family. His partner loved his parents, and they had loved him, dearly. It was why Caleb couldn't bring himself to say much of those early years. And then he made himself another family, with Astrid and Wulf, and lost them. Horribly. In the same moment he lost his birth family.

Caleb was the only one of the Nein who had any experience with families like the one they all shared now. He had fought hard not to get too attached in the beginning, afraid he didn't deserve it, or afraid to lose it all again.

And now, what? Was Caleb going to lose him after all? Caduceus felt guilt mix with his anxious feelings. He didn't want to leave Caleb. He never meant for any of this to happen. He'd just been trying to follow his path. He saw the world more complexly now. He was learning to make decisions, rather than just wait for answers and signs. And that was good. It was much of why he was going to be able to save his home. But it left him uncertain of where to go from here. The Mighty Nein had become his family. He’d fallen in love. He needed Caleb, and Caleb needed him. How was he supposed to just go back?

Caduceus Clay didn't do things halfway. He finished what he started, saw things through. _ His _quest might be ending, but Caleb's wasn't over. Nott's wasn't. Fjord didn't really even know his...this whole family still had much to do. Caduceus wondered if he was here for more than to save the Blooming Grove. He wondered, and he hoped.

He looked down at Caleb, who had one hand clenched tight against Cad's chest. He had wanted to see Caleb through to his destiny. Together. It wasn't time for Caleb to quit and come home with Caduceus, if that was even something Caleb wanted. Cad realized in that moment that he assumed Caleb _ would _ come home with him, eventually, to the grove or to somewhere of their own making. Caduceus couldn't see any way for it to be alright to leave Caleb. He didn't want to. 

"Even just...a _ little _ longer, Melora. Please." He whispered.

He felt a soothing breeze across his face. It rustled Caleb's hair into his eyes, tickling his nose. He twitched and shook himself awake. Cad brushed his hair back and Caleb smiled up at him weakly. Seeing those bright blue eyes nearly did Caduceus in.

Caleb released his fist and flexed his fingers, feeling the stiffness in his hand. 

"Time to start breakfast?" He asked, gruff and groggy. 

"No. Not yet. Too early. You can go back to sleep. I've got you." Caduceus hugged Caleb protectively, sheltering him so he could rest again, but Caleb shook his head. 

"Nein. I do not want to sleep more."

"Bad dreams?"

"No more than usual. I just...want to...to spend a bit more time with you today. It is a very big day. A lot could happen. A lot we might find. I-I-I would like to help. If I can."

He wanted Caduceus to stay. Wanted him to want Caleb enough that it would be worth it to choose this life over the one he left behind. But Caduceus had a goddess and a destiny and a place in a family. What Caleb wanted was ridiculous. He wasn't worth that, and it wasn’t fair to ask for it.

"You are helping." Cad assured him. He coaxed Caleb’s hand up around his neck, and Caleb returned his embrace, pressing their foreheads together. 

Cad felt safe here. "I don't know if I am ready for today." He confessed.

"You do not want to find your family?"

"I miss them. I'm not ready to see them if...if something bad has happened. They...left me alone. They might not want me to find them. Maybe they'll think I should have stayed home. Or they would have been glad to see me, but I'll be too late. So many possibilities. I'm not used to so many. And I'm not..._ ready _ for things to change." He breathed Caleb in and caught his lips in a soft, purposeful kiss. He didn’t want things to change between them.

Caleb let go of Cad’s neck, instead fidgeting with the heart shaped necklace Caduceus wore. "Do you remember when I gave you this?"

"You wanted me to have some protection."

"It wasn't mine to give, really, though I think, I think Mollymauk would like where it has ended up. I felt something for you, even then. Not that I really understood it, or that I would ever have told you, but it meant something, to be able to keep you safe, a little. To give you _ something _, when I could offer very little that was mine and worth having."

Caduceus made a soft noise of disapproval. 

"That _ I _ thought was worth having." Caleb corrected himself. "It's strange to think that I have been so scared of getting close to you, and to be _ here, _now. Though I am still...afraid."

"Caleb, Do you remember what I said to you that day?"

"Of course. I remember everything, Caduceus. That's my curse." Caleb answered dryly.

"I said you had a big destiny, important things to do. I told you I wanted to see you reach them." Cad sighed and hugged tighter, giving firm pressure to calm Caleb while they talked about the things that made him so uncomfortable. "You've come a long way. You're doing so well, Sunflower. But you're not done. And I still want to see you reach whatever's in store for you. I want that even more now than I did then. Whatever happens with my family...I'm still yours. I still want to see this through with you."

"I do not want you to have to choose between me and them. I have lost my family. I do not want to be the reason you lose yours."

"Those are very different situations, Caleb. I found more family. If I stay here or go back home, I am not losing family. Just changing locations. "

Caduceus feared he would not find his family living when he finally reached the Menagerie. The thought chilled him, especially knowing little Belle was with them. He didn't want to burden Caleb with that fear. Caleb had enough to carry. 

"Will you play with my hair, Cay?" Cad asked, after some silence. He wasn't ready to leave the comfort of Caleb's arms, and that touch soothed him. 

"Of course." Caleb replied. There was a tense peace between them. A calm before the storm. Caleb feared what he might lose when Caduceus found his family, feared the pain of what Caduceus might find, and the selfish relief if it meant Cad stayed. 

* * *

They were still the only ones awake when Caduceus’ restless energy finally moved him to get up. Jester was tossing around a bit. She’d be up soon, unusually early for her. The others were sprawled in relative comfort, snoring peacefully.

“Make breakfast with me?” 

“Ja, okay.” Caleb breathed. He was singularly aware of how close Caduceus was, the way he clung to Caleb, even in casual moments. He was astounded that anyone besides Nott had gotten so comfortable with his body, and that he had let it happen. Caduceus felt so good, pressed against him like this. He didn’t deserve it, nor did he think he could stand to lose it.

There was very little Cad needed help with. Caleb stoked the cooking fire as Caduceus rigged up his skillet. It was a comfortable routine Caduceus had performed almost daily since he started this adventure. How strange it would be to go home and be back in his own kitchen. 

Once the morning’s meal was going Caduceus sat on a log, stirring with his long wooden spoon as needed. He held out his free hand to Caleb. “Here, please--” He pulled Caleb carefully to the ground between his legs, his back to Cad’s chest as Cad wrapped an arm around him protectively and rested his chin on Caleb’s head. He didn’t say anything else; just let his touch speak for him:

_ I need you. I don’t want to go. You feel like home. _

Cad felt the tears in his eyes, frustrated that he was grieving without knowing which way to grieve, or even if there was reason. It could be fine. Everything could work out. Everyone could be alive and well, and he and Caleb could find a way to be together. But he had learned to be cautious with that hope. He wiped his cheek on Caleb's hair, and Caleb brought his hand up to squeeze Cad's arm. "'s alright, Caduceus. It's... it's going to be alright." It was not something either of them could be sure of, but both took comfort in the words.

Their mood was clear to the rest of the Nein as they crept towards consciousness. Fjord had no snarky comments for the two when he joined them, hanging the kettle from the cooking frame, simply grumbling amiably about who wanted coffee or tea. Caleb didn't move, though usually he'd feel embarrassed by having an audience to Cad holding him this way. Jester woke next and plopped herself next to Caduceus, leaning on his arm and munching on a pastry from her bag. 

Once everyone was awake, Caleb was ready to talk strategy, hoping maybe to buy Caduceus some time. He had to admit, if this was going to be goodbye, even if it wasn't for good, he'd like to get one more night alone together. There was never time on the road, never space. He hated being watched all the time. 

"Caduceus." Caleb was brewing coffee from his Rexxentrum stash, finally having managed to force himself to leave Cad's embrace. "You said you were not certain, not sure you're ready yet, to ah, get to the Menagerie. If we need to resupply, I think I could find us a way, a town nearby, maybe. We don't have to rush. If you're not ready…"

"Thank you, Caleb. I've been thinking about that. But I don't think it's time to move backwards. I'm _ not _ready, but I don't think I'll ever be. I have you all with me. That's the most prepared a person could be. It's frightening, but I'm not alone. I think we go ahead, as planned."

"That's brave, Caduceus. And good. We're with you, no matter what." Fjord assured him.

Yasha slapped a heavy hand onto his shoulder, with a slim smile. Cad nodded at her. They could do this.

Caleb washed up from breakfast. He was proud of Caduceus, really. Caleb so often ran from the things he feared. Caduceus looked them in the eye, and walked towards them with a calm resignation. Caleb turned a chipped bowl over in his hand, his thoughts drifting.

Caduceus snuck behind Caleb while the others went about their morning routines and rituals. He wanted to steal Caleb up into his tree in the Xhorhaus, hide out there and never come down again. He knew that wasn't possible. This was his path and there was no point sitting down in the middle of the road. At least he could take as many moments with his human as he was allowed. Maybe he could store them up for later, if they had to be apart. 

Cad nuzzled into Caleb's neck, arms circling his slim waist. "Need help?" 

"You cooked. It's not your turn to help with dishes...and I do not think you are, ah, very interested in _ helping _, at least not in a traditional sense." Caleb laughed as Cad's beard tickled his neck.

"Is it making you happy? Because if you're happy I'd call that plenty helpful." Caduceus said, lips still pressed to his skin.

"They're gross." Nott complained, watching Caleb and Caduceus out of the corner of her eye while counting her treasures. Her second morning without drinking had made her more ornery, as well as more particular about her trinkets. 

"Don't get pissy at them just because you're having a bad morning. Caduceus doesn't need that energy right now."

"Oo, _ energy _. Gettin' all spiritual, Mr. Champion of the Wildmother?" Beau said.

"Beau, if I am getting spiritual, you don't need to step all over it." Fjord replied, slightly defensive.

Carrying on with each other, the group paid little attention to Jester carving a large dick in a tree trunk, performing some ostentatious ritual to the Traveler. That is, they paid little attention until the carved tree split in two, and out stepped a figure most of the Mighty Nein had never truly expected to see. Apparently there was more to Jester's stories than it seemed, judging by the green cloaked figure that stood before them.

It would have been an impressive entrance, it was, but the initial shock wore off, leaving an audience of seasoned skeptics, and one circus performer who knew an act when she saw one, even if the act was 15 feet tall and shot vines out at them. 

Some suspicions were confirmed as they learned the Traveler was no god, but an arch fey called Artagan, caught in his own game. It was Jester who had brought his game to life, and now he needed a way out of the responsibility of answering prayers and coming whenever called. There was more to tricking people into thinking you’re a god than he had planned on, and he was counting on Jester to help him land the joke.

They agreed to help him shirk some of his godly duties at TravelerCon, convincing his followers he ascended at the height of their celebration, and leaving them with more or less a path of mischief and chaos to follow on their own, without the “Traveler’s” direct aid. They threw around ideas, Caleb casting seeming to create dark green robes for everyone, something he could recreate at the gathering. They planned to make Jester the success story, what the Traveler could do for you, what you could attain for yourself as a follower. Caleb embellished her robe for flair. 

Caduceus found the situation odd, but intriguing. He liked a good joke. He could relate to having taken a joke too far, though what that meant for an arch fey was unsettling. This Artagan person seemed to be worth keeping an eye on, but not immediately a threat. Caduceus added his input, confessing he used to be a pretty good practical jokester. That made him think of his siblings, and the fear that he might not find them as they were, or find them safe or find them at all. He remembered Calliope tying his hair to the bedposts on a morning he slept in, and the shave he gave her in her sleep to make up for it. That time he dressed in his Aunt Corin’s clothes and scared his mom out of her wits in the middle of the night. The fact that Aunt Corrin let him keep the gauzy skirt he liked so much. He went silent, and lost the thread of the conversation, staring off in the direction they should be heading.

Caleb hoped that they might be able to leverage their relationship with this fey to still fight battles against nasty things and shitty people in the world. No more children thrown on the pyre. That was what he wanted. He’d enlist all the help he could get in that, arch fey included. He, like the rest of the Nein, also wanted to ensure Jester’s safety. 

Somewhat satisfied with what they’d come up with, the Traveler got ready to take his leave. Caduceus thought this might be a chance, if there was any possibility that he had seen or might know about his family, to get an advantage on finding them. He asked the Traveler for a point in the right direction. 

The fey laughed, sharing an unreadable grin with Jester. “Alright, pink, furry man, he who bows to the wind, your path lies...” he raised an elegant finger and pointed in the direction the party was headed, where Caleb was standing.

Caleb looked at him, realizing attention was being directed his way. “I…? Oh, behind me.” Caleb said. His cheeks burned. He’d been staring at Cad, thinking about...well, that wasn’t important. Of course they were talking about what direction to go, and it was very unlikely this trixter had any idea where they should be headed. He certainly wasn't making a comment about _ Caleb _ being Caduceus' path. But then Caduceus was smiling at him and Caleb forgot to be embarrassed. 

Caleb cleared his throat. “Well, then. We had better head on, I think.”

* * *

Finished packing, the Mighty Nein resumed their trek. Caduceus took the lead with Fjord. Jester, Veth and Yasha were in the middle, and Caleb brought up the rear with Beau. Caleb drew a small sigil in the air, sending it towards Caduceus, causing an illusion of moss to bloom over the earthy green cloak. It was a thick mantle, dotted with tiny pink and blue flowers. Caduceus stopped mid sentence in his conversation with Fjord and grinned down at his appearance. He looked like a king, at least the only kind of king he imagined he would want to look like. He turned around and smiled at Caleb, who waved shyly. 

Beau smirked, chuckling to herself. “Is that flirting? Damn it’s weird to see you flirt, Widogast.”

“Well, we can’t all sweep our targets off their feet with physical strength and acrobatics.”

“No, apparently some people want mold bouquets.” 

“Moss. There is a difference, Beauregard. Moss. And it’s a mantle. You wear it. You hold bouquets.”

Beau elbowed him quietly.

The further on they went, the denser the jungle became, darkening around them, and along with it darkened Caduceus’ mood. He pulled ahead of the others. The sounds were unfamiliar to him. The plants whispered in strange voices, words he didn’t understand. It unsettled him. He felt like he needed to leave a trail to find his way out again. He felt angry, contemplating what might have happened in this place, imagining Clarabelle darting around the trees, carefree. He thought he saw her body in the vines, but no. It was some kind of strange fungus, purple and blue, mixing with something waxy on a tree. There was something in their shape, but no, it was just shadows playing tricks on him. He cast Decompose as he walked, a perfect trailblazing method for a grave cleric. Suddenly he found he wasn’t alone in the front. Caleb had moved up, stepping quickly to keep pace.

“Anything you want to talk about?” Caleb asked, looking at the trail Caduceus was leaving.

Caduceus took his time to answer. “Probably about as much as you wanted to talk about Astrid and Wulf when we were in Rexxentrum.” He said.

The answer stung a little, but Caleb understood the point Caduceus was making. This was his family, and he was afraid for them. He held out hope, but things Caleb couldn’t see were crushing that. Caleb knew too that Cad felt hurt, being left behind. It was hard enough to try to rescue someone from unknown, possibly imagined dangers, harder still when you were afraid they didn’t want you. He went silent, but stayed close. 

Their path led through more patches of the fungus and wax Caduceus had seen. Dug up mounds of earth, and wax that now started to look like cocoons were more frequent, and bigger. Whatever made these did not promise to be friendly. When they came to a clearing with the largest one yet, Caduceus saw curiosity pique in his friends. “I would leave that alone, if I were you.” He warned.

Veth was already climbing up, ready to dig into the strange object. 

“Really--” Cad said, holding out his hand, and that's when her dagger went through the cocoon, spilling its contents: decomposing flesh and rot of an awful smelling sort. Cad rubbed his eyes in frustration. 

“Nott, that is _ foul _.” Fjord scolded, shooing her away from the mess. They fled the scene of what was surely something’s gruesome dinner, but the damage was done. A hushed skittering followed behind them, growing louder, drawn by the smell. Within minutes they were surrounded by giant insects, not quite spiders, more like silverfish. They slithered over tree roots, worming their way up the trees on impossibly quick legs. The forest unleashed its own defenses to assist them: poisonous spores from the fungus on the trees. In capability, the Nein had an advantage, but a swarm of bugs is still a swarm. Heavily outnumbered, no one came out unharmed, though some fared better than others. Caleb’s only saving grace was his ape form, which had its own constitution, much stronger than his human body. But taking Capeleb form always had its downsides. Like how squishing a bunch of large bugs was very exciting when you’re a giant ape, and riding a mammoth for a victory lap seemed like a good idea in the moment. Coming out of a raging ape headspace was more difficult, meaning the ape nearly crushed Jester after she dropped her mammoth shape while he was still on her back. She managed to find her feet, despite Capeleb attempting to help her up off the ground by one ankle. Jester dusted herself off with a curt “Thank you, Caleb.” but she accompanied it with a smile.

“Caleb? Healing potion?” Nott was trying to push some of Fjord’s supply to him, but Capeleb grunted in response.

“Caleb, I can heal you if you need--but not like that.” Caduceus had the rare experience of looking up at his boyfriend, though it was somewhat dashed by said boyfriend being more or less a giant monkey.

Caleb puzzled against his ape brain. Did he need help or should he just stay in this form, not drain resources? He dropped back into his human form. He was unsteady, and Cad caught him by the shoulder. 

“It would have only lasted an hour. Won’t be much help if it takes us longer than that to get to the Menagerie.”

Caduceus shook his head. He took the potion Nott was handing him and tipped it against Caleb’s lips, watching color return to his cheeks. “It wouldn’t be much help to me if you died because you were trying to play games with how long you could last without some healing, either.” Caduceus chided gently.

Caduceus felt like he could benefit from some meditation before going on, to heal the others, to clear his head, to steel his nerves. Caleb took the opportunity to do some spell recovery. He told Caduceus he wanted to help today. He hadn’t been sure that would mean with magic, but it appeared that was the most likely need, at least for the moment. 

Cad was the last to be ready to go. When he finally stood, he found Caleb’s hand extended to help him up.   
“I love you. We are with you.” Caleb reminded him. “Don’t try to go alone, bitte.”

Caduceus nodded. “Fair.” He recalled how hard it had been both on himself and Nott when Caleb withdrew from them in Rexxentrum. He bent and kissed Caleb for good measure. “Not alone.”

* * *

It was several hours more before the Mighty Nein finally hacked their way through the jungle to a lake. The water was crystal clear, and almost eerily still. The earth below was deep red, sandy shores giving way to short grass. There was a strange kind of statue garden dotted around the water. Different creatures and beings of all kinds, immortalized in stone, but placed almost haphazardly. Their detail was startling. On the far side of the lake was a cavern, descending down into the earth, with figures standing around it, like an ancient, primitive cathedral. In some sense, that was exactly what it was.

Caduceus was fairly sure this is where they were headed. He went ahead to the water, touched it, smelled it, but did not taste.

“Is this the place?” Nott asked.  
Caduceus stood. “Well, let’s go.” he said.

“In the water?” Fjord asked eagerly. He could feel the Wildmother’s presence here, and water was his element. Maybe Caduceus was right. Maybe there was something to what he had said about a purpose behind the name of Stone. Maybe it could be redeemed.

“No, no. Not yet. To the cave.” Caduceus pointed. He honestly was mystified himself. Being at the Forge had been an experience, but here was something more akin to his own work. He buried the dead. Here the animals returned them to the earth. It felt more wild that the Forge. More like home. “Welcome to the Court of Beasts.” he said to his companions. Caleb felt hairs rise on the back of his neck, though he couldn’t say why. He cast Fortune’s Favor on himself, and kept an eye out around them.

The statues became more frequent the further they went, and the more they saw, the more they recognized something was off. These were grim poses to portray in statuary. Terror, anguish. Studying the groupings more closely, it became clear that some stood in defensive stances, as if readying themselves for a fight. 

Cad was more suspicious now. “Don’t go in the water.” he warned the others. They were debating whether or not the water had done this to the creatures now frozen in stone, but it seemed fairly certain that these statues were more than met the eye. In another few steps, Caduceus saw something that nearly stopped his heart. He froze, and Caleb joined his side instantly. He slid his hand into Cad’s.

“What is it?” Caleb whispered. And then his eyes locked onto the figures Caduceus was staring at. The resemblance was striking.

“We have to be careful.” Caduceus said to all of them, unable to tear his eyes away. “This is...these are...my people.”

It could only have been a moment, but Caduceus felt like he saw his life in front of him. His father, his sister, and beyond them he could make out--his mother and Aunt Corrin, he was sure, all frozen in stone. He didn’t see his older brother, or Clarabelle, but that did not comfort him. There had been some broken rocks and statuary they passed before. Now he understood, and that terrified him. But in the same moment that he saw his family here, his brain dragged his childhood in front of him. Quiet breakfasts in his mother’s lap when he was barely more than an infant. Aunt Corrin holding his hands as he toddled on unsteady feet through the garden. A rare moment of softness from Calliope, when she fitted him in the armor she made herself, proud of her work. “It suits you.” she said, and her eyes gleamed. His father, reaching up to pull him down from a tree when he climbed too high. “There now, my boy. I’m here. We’ll try again later. Next time you’ll find your way back down on your own. You’re very clever Caduceus.” 

“Get back. Back to the trees--” Caduceus motioned to all of them, prying himself away from his family, just in time to see a giant bull, garbed in metallic plates, green smoke curling from its body, charging from the woods towards them.

“_ Scheiẞe!” _ Caleb hissed through his teeth.

There was no other option. They were going to have to fight this beast to save their lives, and try not to destroy any of these petrified people in the process. 

*. *. *

The battle was staggering. This gorgon bull could heal itself, reeked poisonous gas, breathed a petrifying air. It took down Fjord, and Beau, able to resist once, was trapped in the line of fire from its breath, petrified. Jester was quick to revive Fjord. They knew the willowshade oil Nott had would only work for a minute after petrification. They had to work quickly to get to Beau, but with the bull still fighting, they’d have to kill it first, or risk shattering her.

Caduceus was out of step. He felt his attacks slipping, panic causing his hands to shake, his words to crumble. He could see his family’s faces in front of his eyes, begging for help, and he was failing them.

Caleb stepped between him and the bull. “Caduceus, get back.” Caleb barked. It was an order. For a moment, the war mage appeared. He had a job to do, and it was to keep these people safe. The gorgon bull was flagging. It had done a lot of damage, but the Mighty Nein had dealt some strong attacks for the hurt they’d been given. Caleb’s first spell missed, but the second struck true, sending a fire of disintegration up into the belly of the beast. It burned from the inside, a corruption, neither animal nor machine. It fell, and did not get up again. Caleb went to the body to inspect it, make certain their battle was over and gather anything off of it he could, before he turned to see Caduceus, running towards his family. There were only 3 figures standing now, a fourth broken on the ground. Seeing Jester and Nott reviving Beau, Caleb went to his partner.

Caduceus was holding his father’s face in his hands, casting Greater Restoration. _ Dad. Dad. Please wake up. _ Cornelius Clay was in the process of hauling Callope back, likely from the charging gorgon. His mind ticked slowly. “Come on--” he was saying to his daughter, and then “Caduceus? What--”

“Wait. I’ll explain.” Caduceus answered. He touched his sister, reviving her as well. Fiery as ever, she was in mid swing with her mace, her armor battered from use, but in good repair. Cornelius dropped her in surprise.

“Son of a---Caduceus?” she looked up at him from the ground.

“It’s been so long.” Cad said. It was almost like looking at a stranger. She’d grown. Her attitude was the same, and he was glad about that. He suddenly didn’t know what to do with himself. 

Caleb stood staring, joined by his friends. Yasha had managed to find Fjord and bring him over. He looked worse for wear, but stable. Beau, Nott and Jester were right behind them.

Cornelius looked over at the group, and the husk of bull on the ground, before looking back at Caduceus. “How did you get here? I...I see you dealt with that thing.” He nodded towards the bull. “And these are your friends, I assume. I’m Cornelius. I’m Caduceus’ father, and this is Calliope, Caduceus’ older sister.”

She was almost glaring at Caduceus, like he’d cheated and beaten her at a game when she saw the bull defeated. She looked at the Mighty Nein. “It’s a pleasure to meet you.” Finally she pulled herself off the ground and looked at her brother, the playful angst was gone. “Caduceus, Thank you.”

Caduceus stared at his feet, and his voice held the uncertainty that Caleb heard the other nights and morning’s they’d talked about Cad’s family.  
“You were both gone a very long time. I waited and... no one returned. And I know I wasn't supposed to leave, but I left. Is anybody else here?”

“Your mother should be around here somewhere.” Cornelius looked around, and Jester caught sight of a firbolg woman who could only be Cad’s mother. She restored her immediately, catching her by the shoulders. “You’re safe.” Jester assured her. Constance said nothing, running to Caduceus and scooping him up in her arms, lifting him off the ground. She was dressed like a warrior, she was strong, and yet gentle. This is what Caleb had expected to see for Caduceus. His heart ached a little at the reunion.

“I’m so happy to see you.” Constance said against Cad’s cheek between kisses. 

“I was so worried.” Caduceus replied, hugging his mother with all his strength. She set him back on the ground, holding his face in her hands.

“Where’s Corrin?” Caduceus asked.

“I came here with Corrin. She’s right--” They looked back, and all eyes fell to the broken statue on the ground, next to where Constance had been.

The world went still. Caduceus heard nothing. One of his favorite people in the world was shattered into a dozen pieces on the ground. His mother took a step, then another, another, finally falling to her knees and picking up the head and shoulder of her sister. “Corrin.”

Jester went to her, and Nott, Yasha and Caleb joined as soon as they realized what she was doing: trying to put the pieces back together. Maybe they could heal her. Maybe…

_ “Aunt Corrin?” _

_ “Yes my little beetle?” _

_ “Am I weird?” _

_ “Who said you’re weird?” _

_ “Colton thinks I’m weird. He says I’ll never be able to go out on adventures like he will, like you and mom did when you were younger. He told me no one could understand what I was saying. A-a-and that I like creepy stuff that'll make people, people not...not want to be my friends...and he said I was too scrawny to win a fight.” _

_ Caduceus, barely tall enough to sit at the table without a block of wood beneath him, swung his legs, staring at the collection of lichen he’d harvested that morning, picking out the prettiest ones and putting them in a jar with some sun bleached bones, a stolen feather, and his favorite beetles. _

_ Corrin continued picking tea and putting it into a pot. She loved her niefling. They were odd and delightful and they belonged with her. Caduceus often was in a world of their own. It reminded her of herself. And she had not forgotten the night of their birth. They were small, they struggled, harder than Colton had. Harder than Calliope. They nearly lost Caduceus. She closed the cupboard and scooped the little one up into her arms, sitting down in the chair with them. “Caduceus, you are a very strange creature. You are wondrous, magical, and I think, hand picked by the Wildmother to be here. Plenty of things tried to take you away from us, and yet here you are.” She kissed their head. “And that is how I like you. You can be as strange a being as you like. There are others like us, and they will adore your wild and curious ways, just like I do. Let Colton think what he wants, but I think you’ll fare just fine in a fight. Afterall, you have your beetles.” She pointed to the jar, where they crawled over a new bone, picking it clean. “Which one is your favorite?” _

Calliope linked her arm with Caduceus’, and brought him back to the present, to his friends and his mother kneeling on the ground. Jester was offering to mend. Caleb had put out his amber pieces around what they’d already gotten. He was saying he could keep her safe, until they figured out what to do. Constance nodded. She was in shock.

Caduceus tapped his father’s shoulder. “Dad, go talk to Mom.”

“Oh. Yeah. Yes. I should do that.” Cornelius said. He could be a little absent minded. He didn’t always know what to do with himself. Caduceus liked that. It made him feel less out of place.

When they had done what they could to help Corrin, realizing that they could not use stone or metal to seal the gaps and heal her, Caleb put her in the vault, hoping the morning might bring new insight. The Clays appreciated their efforts, but were reserved in their hope. It came with the territory of being gravemakers. Death was very much a part of their life. 

Cornelius directed them to see if they could get more help from Eremis Stone. He was the one aiding Cornelius and Calliope in their quest. When they found him, also petrified, Jester used her last revive to bring him back. He had been frozen for 10 years. Ten years. Caleb thought on that, on how long Caduceus had been alone. They hadn’t forgotten about him. They’d been stuck, here. He look at Cad, but was unable to read him when their eyes met. They still hadn’t found his other siblings, and his aunt was...they were right. It was very possible that nothing could be done for her. As Eremis led them further toward the cavern, and others speculated on what might have happened to draw the gorgon here, Caleb walked closer to Caduceus. He wasn’t sure what to do. Did Cad need him right now? Would he rather just be with his family? Caleb walked beside him and gingerly put a hand on his back. “Are you...alright?”

“I don’t know what I am, Caleb.” Caduceus admitted. He reached behind himself and took Caleb’s hand, holding it as they walked, but he dropped it when they entered the cavern of the Court of Beasts.

The walls were red rock, with gold veins shot through it. Lights hung from the ceiling, almost as if they had grown there in the cave, and beneath them, pools of water shimmered and cast reflections of red and gold light all around. In ways it resembled the caverns beneath the Ashkeeper Peaks, but it had a much warmer quality. Along the outermost wall of the cave were huts, a village almost of homes for the Stone family. It was a large family, but unlike the Clays, it did not seem to be a biological family. The Stones were from all races and locations, coming to live here. Fjord loved the idea.

Finally, Constance, a little more present to her son and recognizing his friends, asked for more specific introductions. They each introduced themselves, Caduceus adding asides and compliments to each of his friends, who were feeling somewhat out of place. The Clays knew little outside of their Bone Orchard and the lore of the Wildmother, but they were glad to be free, and curious about this group Caduceus had managed to find. It was not what any of them had imagined for him.

When Caleb came to introduce himself, he fumbled his words a little. “I-I am Caleb Widogast. I..am...I...you raised him very well. Caduceus has been a...a treasure, on this journey.” He could feel his face heating up. Caduceus was standing next to him. Was he too close? What were his parents thinking? Caleb wasn’t sure. Should he say? It wasn’t his place to say. Caduceus wasn't supposed to leave. Was he even supposed to date?

Constance Clay fixed Caleb with a smile that almost seemed to look through him. “It is very good to meet you, Mr. Caleb.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, y'all. This was a really big gap in posting, and I can't say thank you enough for your patience and encouragement. I had to rush to get this posted before work tonight, so I may need to edit a few things later.
> 
> The next TWO chapters are all going to be episode 96, with lots of my own fill in, new scenes and conversations, plenty of Clay family goodness and clayleb love. Shouldn't take nearly as long for the next update. Looks like, including the epilogue, I'm landing this plane on Chapter 28.
> 
> I appreciate you all so much! Take care!
> 
> Also, EPISODE 100!!! AHHH!


	25. Where Paths Diverge

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> SPOILERS FOR EPISODE 96
> 
> Getting to know Cad's family, antics with the Mighty Nein in abandoned houses, and some very soft times for Caddy and Caleb.
> 
> CONTENT WARNING: There is sexual content at the end of this chapter. For those who read and don't wish to read that, you can skip to the end after the last "***" break, which happens at the lines:  
"What was your wish, Caduceus?"  
"You"  
(Sorry for spoiling a fluffy bit. Can't be helped.)

"It is good to meet you, ah…" 

"Just call me Constance." The older firbolg woman radiated power, warmth, and a bit of her son's curiosity. 

Caleb felt like she was staring into his soul along with everyone else watching him. So many eyes. So many very big, perceptive eyes. Caleb felt sick. He tried to smile back instead.

Finally Constance turned and took Caduceus by the arm as they moved further into the cavern.

"What was that?" Nott hissed beside Caleb as they fell to the back of the group.

"What was _ what? _" Caleb replied.

"That. You're his _ boyfriend _. That's information his mom might like to know. If Luc brought home a girl he'd been boning for the past few months and all she said was 'it's nice to meet you,' I'd kill her!"

"What if he brought home a boy? Or a them?" 

"A _ whoever. _ Doesn't matter. I'd kill anyone equally, and wouldn’t be more upset with one than another.” She eyed Caleb, trying to figure out why he’d even brought that up. “You could have said _ something. _"

"I did. I said they raised him well, that he was a treasure. And it hasn't been months. The sex is a recent development." 

Nott rolled her eyes. "Caleb, you are missing the point on purpose. Also don't tell me things like that."

"Well you were wrong about that one. And anyway, what was I supposed to tell her? 'Oh hi, welcome back from ten years in stone. I'm the murderer who fell in love with your son, corrupted him and stole him from your ancestral home.'?"

"I didn't... that's not what happened, Caleb."

"It might be from her perspective." 

"All I'm saying is you could have told her _ something. _"

"Ja, and so could Caduceus. Maybe there's a reason he didn't." Caleb thought of other times he'd been a secret. Having to keep his relationship with Wulf from Wulf’s father was the worst. Caduceus had said he didn't want their relationship to be a secret, but families were tricky. He couldn't be sure Cad wanted his family to know about them.

Nott could see she wasn't getting anywhere on this, and there was something in Caleb’s last remark that struck a little hard. She decided to drop it.

Eremis led them through the deserted huts, past more petrified denizens of the Menagerie, most still intact. The gorgon had come through here too then. They were looking for others they might be able to restore in the morning, making their way to the shrine at the center of the cavern: the home of the Stone family. Before they’d gotten far, Constance saw her children, the last two missing, and ran to them. 

"It's Colton and Clarabelle!"

"You found them?" Cornelius asked.

"Belle?" Caduceus was on his mother's heels. This was the first time in many, many seasons his family had all been in one place. 

"Can you restore them?" Cornelius asked Caduceus. "Or any of your friends?"

"Not until the morning. I'm sorry, Dad. Not without a rest."

"Nor can I," Constance admitted.

"But we can, first thing tomorrow. Even before breakfast. Even with Caduceus’ suuuper eeeeaarly breakfasts." Jester said.

"Speaking of breakfast," Caduceus was stepping into his role with his parents: dependable, steady. He hoped after everything they might still be able to see that in him. "I think we could all use a meal. You'll need your strength tomorrow if we're going to be waking all these sleepers." Cad gestured to the others in the cavern. 

* * *

A couple of hours later, the Nein had settled on staying in the sanctuary, using Caleb’s alarm spells and the natural shelter of the cave for protection. The Clay family, Eremis Stone and the Mighty Nein were gathered around a long, low table in the large common room of the Stone's family home. 

After so many years, there was nothing salvageable from the food stores. Most had decomposed or been carried off by animals. Caduceus found some garlic that had grown wild in the kitchen cellar, so he made the best of what was there, along with his own supplies, and managed to make a passable meal for so many mouths. 

The Clays pressed Caduceus and his friends for stories of their journey. It was hard to get started, especially because their meeting was under such painful circumstances, but the Clays were used to death bringing people together. 

Caduceus was particularly animated in relaying their adventures with the Dusts. He lingered on some of Caleb's accomplishments, his hand drifting to Caleb's shoulder. The longer they talked the more Cad fell into his family role, reacquainting himself with his parents and sibling. Caleb kept staring at him. It was an odd sort of balance, Caduceus playing the son and the brother, and yet under the table he'd catch Caleb's hand, or rest his fingers on his knee, tracing circles, drawing comfort or trying to tell Caleb _ something _. Caleb couldn't tell what he was trying to say, or how Caduceus wanted him to act in front of his parents. He tried to just follow Cad's lead. 

As they talked, Constance and Cornelius exchanged a few glances that held entire conversations. Apparently the indecipherable looks and silent communication were family traits. It made Caleb want to crawl inside himself, worried what they might see if they looked too closely at him. He tried to remember that he felt the same when he first met Caduceus, and found he had nothing to fear. But children aren't their parents. Just because they were family didn't mean they'd react the same, that they'd want Caleb as--that they'd be okay with his relationship with their son.

“You’ve been on quite the journey, Caduceus.” Cornelius said. His head was swimming with some of the complicated pieces. “Quite the journey. I wouldn’t have expected...”

“He just couldn’t get along without someone to bother. Bet you barely waited a week to follow us out here!" Calliope teased.

"Well," Caduceus said cooly, "Ghosts aren't very good sports about their games. It's much more fun to pick on you." He kicked her foot playfully under the table.

Caleb thought about all Caduceus had told him of those times alone, the truth about how long it had been. He was surprised to see Cad hide that now. His hand soothed over Caduceus’ leg, and soon enough Caduceus met his hand and squeezed it appreciatively. 

Caduceus was blindsided by having both of his families in one place for the first time. He had missed his parents and his siblings, but now that they were all together, Cad was nervous about what they would think of each other. Would his friends start to see him as the pale, runty little brother? The sickly one his mother was still so protective of? Would they figure out that Caduceus was the worst choice of all of his family to go adventuring with? Would Beauregard try her moves on his sister? Was that even any of his business? _ Gross _, a childish Caduceus said in his mind. 

And would his parents see how different he was? Would they be able to tell, would they think that he’d strayed from his path? Would they have definite answers about the things he questioned? Would they like Caleb? He was so sure they would, but now he was rambling nervously like he needed to prove Caleb was good, and he couldn’t quite get the words out to tell them he’d fallen in love. He felt like he’d grown into a different person, and he wasn’t sure how to handle that in front of his parents. But whenever his touch fell on Caleb he calmed a little. Caleb knew both sides of him, at least, more than the others did. Caleb said his family was already proud of him. And the Nein had met Beau’s family, and Jester’s, and it didn’t change how much they cared about either of them. _ This is an awful lot to think about all at once, _he thought as he watched the dinner unfold around him. He was grateful to have Fjord there, so eager to ask more about the Wildmother. Calliope liked this new paladin. She felt immediately like she could take him on as a protege. And Jester the storyteller was happy to play her part in carrying conversation. It was the only thing that made dinner seem to move at a normal pace. 

Cad wanted some time with his parents, as he had been without them for so long. After they finished eating, Eremis insisted on preparing some rooms for their new guests, and refresh the rooms Constance, Cornelius, and Calliope had been in, as well as those of the people they planned to wake tomorrow.

“It is the least I can do for you. You’ve brought life back to the Menagerie.”

Caduceus sent his parents ahead, promising to catch up with them shortly. He turned to Caleb just as they both caught the thread of their friends’ conversation. 

“It’s like a PERFECT opportunity! We could rearrange all their furniture. Move everything in their houses like just a little to the left so they run into things…”

“OO! Stack them up on top of each other!”

“Obviously.”

Caleb put a hand on Nott’s shoulder just as Caduceus said “Now wait a minute. Tell me you’re not going to try stacking these people who have already been turned to stone--”

“They won’t _ know _. It’s harmless!” Jester argued.

“Ja. Harmless until one of them gets knocked over and then **boom. **Someone’s not coming back from their stone nap.”

Nott rolled her eyes as soon as Fjord started to agree with them. “Killjoys.”

“I’m not saying don’t mess with them.” Caduceus said. “Just...let’s not break any _ more _ people today.” There was a note of seriousness in his voice and Beau remembered the dragonborn she’d seen shattered in the lake, and that they’d all tried to piece Cad’s aunt back together.

“Maybe some controlled chaos,” Yasha suggested.

Satisfied that his friends would likely not kill anyone, Caduceus went off to find his parents and his sister. It felt easier to interact with them if he kept them apart from his friends. He’d never really had friends before. Maybe it would get easier the longer they were together.

* * *

Caleb stayed at the table as the others started to disperse and explore the area for targets. He rummaged through his bag for the silencing collar until Nott tugged his sleeve. 

“Come on Caleb. It’ll be fun. We haven’t pulled a game like this in _ ages.” _ Nott pleaded with him.

“And we just saw what happened to Caduceus’ aunt. I’m not going to break someone just for a laugh.”

“We said we wouldn’t break anyone.”

“You did. Still. I’m not...feeling up for it, friend.”

Nott waved the others ahead. “I’ll catch up.” She turned back to Caleb. “You know, even Fjord’s going. You’re letting Fjord be cooler than you. **Fjord.**” 

“Fjord is usually cooler than me. You are biased.” Caleb sighed. “We have had a lot of god-talk today. I wonder what you think of...all this.”

Caleb fiddled with the collar. Nott recognized he wanted to talk. She gave a quick glance over her shoulder and sat down to help him unpack his brain. They were students of magic. The source of anything they could do was their study. Their friends were devoted to someone, or something that granted them abilities. In the better situations, like Caduceus had, the power was based on trust. Caleb couldn’t stand the idea of letting anyone control his magic for him. There were certain advantages to both ways, they were two sides of the same coin. And Caleb had to admit he saw the appeal, but he was nervous about the Traveler, about Nott’s interest in someone who was an admitted fraud, about Jester’s role in his schemes. He feared his friends would get hurt. He turned over the collar, slotting pieces together. Master Ikithon had once given him keys to power. Now he could only imagine shutting the mouth that had been the source of all his learning. It was hard to imagine putting trust in someone like that again. At least in a god, or a supposed god. Though he had come to depend on their friends. He was learning in his own way to trust, to need others.

“...so, in that way,” Nott pointed out, “it’s not so different. It’s like a kind of family to them. Like we’re a family.”

“I suppose. I just don’t know. I do not think gods are for me, though I admit there are aspects of the Wildmother I certainly do not mind.” He changed the subject before Nott could ask more. “You know you have a family, a real family, I mean.”

“Caleb, this_ is _ a real family...but I know what you mean. I’ve been thinking about them a lot.”

“I noticed.”

“Blame your boyfriend. Seeing his mother, the way she is about her kids...I hate being away from my son. And my husband. I think...I’m ready now. I’m ready to be Veth again. If I can be. I don’t know if I’m ready to lose this part of me though.”

“No matter what you look like or where you are, you are Veth, you know that. You won’t stop being yourself. And I’ll love you however you appear. Yeza loves you however you appear. Looks don’t change who you are. But I am glad you feel ready. After we leave here, would you like to do the spell?”

“I think so. But what about you? Will you be alright?”

“Of course I will.” Caleb said, but the confidence was a little forced. “Of course.”

Nott pushed the collar away from him and took his face in her hands. “I’m not going to abandon you, Caleb. I never have. I’ll still be around. It just might be different. The Mighty Nein are as much a part of me now as my son and my husband. We’ll figure it out as we go.” She kissed his forehead. “You’re more cared for now than you realize. You couldn’t be alone if you tried.”

Caleb chuckled. “I suppose you are right about that. It is...it is a blessing to have family again. I don’t deserve any of you.”

“Too bad.” Nott said. “You’re stuck with us. Now, I need to go make some mischief. And see about these itchy palms…”

“Go, _ schatz. _But keep it to a reasonable amount of trouble.”

Nott winked at him and disappeared to catch up with the others.

Caleb thought about his misfortune: his best friend and the man he loved were both getting ready to leave, to go back to their real lives. Caleb wasn’t even real. He was what Bren had made to stay safe, and now those two were going back to reality, and the imaginary man would stay behind. He shook his head. He knew better than to feed that line of thinking, but it was hard on the edge of so much loss. 

He looked back at his task. He’d made marginal progress in learning anything from Halas’ work. As he studied the indecipherable runes, the metals used in the craft, his mind began to wander. He thought about the way Caduceus’ mother had run to her children, the familiar sound of Cornelius’ voice. It was like hearing Caduceus many years in the future. Caleb had no siblings, something he’d become more and more thankful for. He couldn’t bear the burden of having taken those lives too. But on seeing Cad with his sister, the way they fought, the unspoken affection beneath it, it made him think of Beauregard. But of course, Beau already had a brother. Caleb felt like an intruder on these families. Seeing the way that Caduceus interacted with his parents, how he relaxed in their presence, even as he tried to balance himself as both a member of the Mighty Nein and their son, it was beautiful.

Caleb imagined what it would be like, knowing his own parents as an adult. How would his father feel about this group he’d ended up with? He’d probably like Caduceus’ simplicity. Leofric didn’t have much formal education, but he’d learned a few things from the woods in his youth. He liked to forage, occasionally to hunt. His mother would have loved Caduceus. Una loved everyone. She would have liked his hugs, big and all-enveloping, sturdy. She would have taught him more about baking. The science and alchemy behind her crescent cookies, or her ginger stars. He wondered if they might all read together. He imagined walking through the woods on the edge of his parents’ small cabin, tending his mother’s small flower garden, her herb boxes in the windowsill. He imagined what life could have been, if there had been no fires. If he hadn’t broken. 

“Mr. Caleb?”

“Here, _ liebchen _,” Caleb said without looking up. Slowly he came out of the fantasy that he had destroyed long before he knew he would want it. He put the collar aside. “Did you find--oh. I’m sorry, I thought you were...”

He’d mistaken the voice. Cornelius and Constance grinned at him, holding hands as they walked together. “Caduceus and Cornelius do sound alike, don’t they?” Constance said graciously as she sat down across from Caleb. 

“He, ah, went to look for you, I think.” Caleb explained.

“We were just getting resettled in our rooms, Thought we’d take a quick stroll. He’ll find us I’m sure. “ Cornelius said. “It’s so good to have our family together again, and to see how Caduceus has gotten along. A bit difficult to be out of your own season though. It always feels like your children are growing up too fast, but to miss so much time…”

“I would have liked to have seen Caduceus again before now. He has grown up quite a lot. And it seems he’s made some wonderful friends along the way. But your families must be worried about you, out on all these wild adventures. Do you see your family often, Mr. Caleb?” Constance asked.  
“I--no. No ma’am. I am not, ah…” He blushed. “I had been alone for quite some time before I joined this group.”

“Well then I’m very glad you found them. People need each other, need family, even if it’s one of their own making. It’s such a blessing to know that Caduceus wasn’t alone all this time, and that he’s been able to be something of a family to you.” There was that intensity in her look, but it was underscored by a gentle smile.

Cornelius leaned back, looking up at their surroundings. “It sounds like you’ve had a wild ride together. I hardly expected such adventures for Caduceus, though it doesn’t surprise me that he found friends along the way. He’s always been social. Used to invite the mourners to stay the night whenever they came to the Grove. He had all these strange little games he would play.”

“And by the time he was Belle’s age, he insisted on creating meals for whoever came. He’d save a portion for the deceased, and decompose it into moss and mushrooms on their grave after the meal.” Constance smiled. “An odd duckling, but very dear.”

Caleb couldn’t help but smile. A sad sort of comfort stung him as he listened to them talk. He wasn’t sure how to respond, but he liked them. “That sounds very much like Caduceus.” 

“He was telling us you are a scholar, at dinner. Is this something you’ve been studying?” Cornelius asked, gesturing towards the collar sitting beside Caleb. 

“It is, something like that yes. An old relic we found on our travels.”

“Does it do anything?”

“It ah, used to. I am trying to figure out how to make it work again. I have been learning more on my own in recent years. It is slower going than learning at a school.”

“But better learning, I think.” Cornelius said. 

Constance laughed at him “Well, you’ve never been to a school, so I don’t think you can really say.” 

“School isn’t everything.” Caleb agreed. “Caduceus has never been to a school and he’s a very quick study.”

“Oh? Have you done much studying together?”

Caleb hesitated. Maybe Cad wouldn’t want him to talk about him with his parents. “Some. We have, we read books together. He is a good storyteller. I thought he might like to read stories, so we picked up a few. It had become something of a routine for us.”

“What do you read?” 

“Faerie tales and folktales, mostly. We found a book on plants we were hoping might be able to help your home, though it looks as if that solution might lie elsewhere.” Caleb explained. He realized that the things Caduceus _ could _ actually read that weren’t in Undercommon were mostly not things he wanted to discuss with Cad’s parents. 

“There you are!” Caduceus called. Calliope was with him. Caleb was relieved to see his partner, but Caduceus looked on the softer edge of frantic. He couldn’t imagine what his parents had been saying to his partner, but he suddenly felt they should not be together without his direct supervision. 

“Caduceus!” Cornelius called back. “Come sit with us. We were just chatting with Mr. Caleb.”

“Oh. I was wondering if you wanted to have some tea?” Caduceus offered. He looked at Caleb briefly with a mix of emotions. This was exactly how Caleb had been the first time Wulf and Astrid had both joined Bren for dinner with his parents. Not sure what to tell them about his “friends,” who had become somewhat more than that. He had been nervous that anything could be the wrong thing to say, and he didn’t want that. Not after Wulf’s father caught Bren kissing him goodnight. Caleb wasn’t sure Cad had anything to worry about with his parents, but he took the cue all the same.

“You go on, please. I should get a little more work done on this.” Caleb said, excusing himself. He noticed Calliope eyeing him suspiciously, which made him duck out of the room even faster. He took his work and found a little lantern near a pool just outside the house where he could study comfortably.

“Why don’t you show me where you’re staying…” he heard Caduceus say as he steered his parents away.

* * *

The Clays had a cozy couple of rooms set into the cave wall, apart from the huts Cad had seen coming in. A sitting area greeted them from the open doorway, with a couple of bedrooms behind. Calliope went to one, dropping off her armor and taking her parents’ to put away for them while Caduceus prepared the tea. He had been through a lot of his stores from the Blooming Grove, but had replicated some favorites, to an extent, from what he’d grown at the Xhorhaus. He told his parents about the sunless city, the garden he’d managed to make, Melora’s tree. They were fascinated. Calliope was a little jealous, though she’d hate to admit it. 

Once everyone was settled with their tea, Caduceus sat on a floor cushion, and Calliope immediately jumped to a chair behind him. “Your hair is a mess, Caduceus. Why’d you let it go back like that? I thought you liked our pink.”

“I do. I just...it’s hard to keep up when you're traveling. Mine doesn’t...stay as good.”

“I can see that. Well, you’re here now. I can at least work on the tangles.” She said, and took a tortoiseshell brush from her belt. Cad sighed. He had to admit, he missed this, even if she did pull his hair when she brushed. He knew he’d been keeping his hair well combed, but this was one of Calliope’s few ways of showing affection, and he wasn’t going to cheat himself or his sister out of it.

“I knew you missed your brother!” Cornelius declared when Calliope took up her task. He sounded like he’d just won a bet. “I won’t let her do that to me.” he said conspiratorially to Caduceus. “She pulls too hard.” 

“Beauty is pain, dad!”

“I can think of several flowers that would beg to differ.” 

They laughed and drank their tea. Constance was especially impressed. “To think you grew this in a garden without sunlight. You have become a Master Gardener, Caduceus.” 

“I just put it in the ground and see what will grow.” Cad deferred. 

Caduceus asked them to tell him more about what they’d found on their journeys, how the Wildmother guided them, if they’d been able to solve anything more than he had over the residuum crystals. Calliope showed them her crystal, similar to the ones Caduceus had forged. Cornelius had gotten the green glass, but no further. Caduceus learned they had all arrived here in close succession to each other before their lives were frozen.

Calliope was more curious about what she’d seen at dinner, and about Caduceus’ traveling companions. She saw it as her duty as his older sister to find out what she could about these new friends. If she could give Caduceus a hard time while she was at it, even better. “So. Mom. You were talking with Caduceus’ friend, the human. How was that?”

“The--oh, Mr. Caleb. He was just telling us about his magical studies. Much more a scholar I think than we’re used to seeing in our work. But he mentioned you like to read together, Caduceus.”

“Read together? Caduceus, you’ve barely touched a book in your life.” Calliope said in surprise.

“Things change. Caleb is a very good teacher. The letters do get scrambled sometimes, but then Caleb just reads to me. He’s very gifted.” Caduceus mused, smiling to himself.

“He seems to be.” Constance said. “He said you’d found a book on plants, as well as some stories.”

“Caleb is a very good gift giver. He gave me the book when we were at sea. I wasn’t able to get far with it on my own, but he wanted to help. He wanted to see our home be healed, so he read to me sometimes, or helped me read it for myself. And then we added stories to our reading. A lot easier to focus on than academic books. I prefer to leave those to Caleb and Beau. But Caleb likes any book he can get his hands on. He’ll read me anything if I ask. ”

“He sounds like a wonderful friend.” Cornelius said. “Did you learn any stories you particularly liked? I’ve missed hearing you tell stories. You used to put on such great performances for us.”

“I’ve learned a few, though I might not remember them perfectly--did Caleb tell you he has a perfect memory? He can tell a story word for word as he saw it, and he always knows what time it is. I’ve never seen anything like it.” 

“That’s quite a talent.” Constance said.

“The story.” Calliope reminded Caduceus with a poke from the end of her hairbrush. She swore Caduceus was as distractible as their father, and the fact that he got so easily derailed by any mention of Caleb did not go unnoticed.

Caduceus decided to tell the story Caleb had read in Rexxentrum. It was short enough, and though he hadn’t paid as close attention as he might have, he could remember that it had a happy end. His parents thought it was very sweet. His father liked the symbolism, and had curled up against his mate while he listened.

Calliope grinned. “I didn’t know you liked love stories, Caduceus.” she said when he had finished.

“Well, it’s not just a love story. There are subtleties to it. Some good versus evil, light in dark places, when hope seems lost…” Caduceus tried to defend himself.

“It was a very good story.” Constance told him. She noticed her son’s fondness in the telling, and had an idea why he might have chosen such a tale.

* * *

Caduceus and Callope said goodnight to their parents, Calliope going off on her own for a bit, and Caduceus said he needed to stretch his legs.

He walked along the farside of the cave, and came across his older brother and baby sister again. He touched a lock of Clarabelle’s hair, ran his thumb over the crease in Colton’s brow as if he could soothe the fear from their stone shapes.

_ “Caduceus! Come on!” Clarabelle was barely big enough to leave the front garden on her own, but of course, that had never stopped her from going anyway. Caduceus ran behind her and Colton, trying to keep up on lanky, uncoordinated limbs. In a few minutes, they reached a dense patch of the woods, where a stone outcropping created a tiny, natural amphitheater. In the center, a throne constructed of various debris had been carefully crafted, a rabbit skull on the left foot, and a deer skull on the right, mostly clean, with one antler still attached. Clarabelle assumed her throne, tying a mantle over her shoulders that looked suspiciously similar to their mother’s favorite shawl. _

_ “I am Queen Clarabelle!” She announced. “Ruler of the Land of Lost Souls, warrior queen and beloved monarch! Step forward my subjects, and be recognized.” _

_ Colton and Caduceus looked at each other and then back at their sister. Somewhat reluctantly they stepped forward. _

_ “Kneel” she instructed Caduceus, and tapped his shoulders with a leafy willow branch. “I duck thee--” _

_ “I think you mean dub” Colton interrupted. _

_ “Nuh-uh. It’s duck. Because you have to duck to receive it. Now, silence, peasant!” She turned back to Caduceus, who was biting back a laugh. “I duck thee Princess Caduceus, Duke of Lost Souls!” _

_ “He can’t be a princess, he’s a boy.” Colton muttered. _

_ “Caduceus can be whatever he wants, and _ ** _I _ ** _ say he’s a princess duke.” She stuck out her tongue to solidify her royal point before placing a brambly crown on Cad’s head. “Rise, Princess-Duke Caduceus.” _

_ Caduceus stood, and bowed to his sister, stepping back. _

_ “Step forward, Colton.” Calrabelle commanded. He did, tripped by Cad’s outstretched foot. Colton glared, but didn’t say anything. The Queen had already had enough of his lip. _

_ “Kneel.” She said again, and tapped him with her willow-wand, handing him a long, alarmingly sharpened stick. “And rise, Sir Colton, Guardian of the Realm! Defender of our lands and queendom!” Colton stood and Caduceus applauded gleefully. _

_ Clarabelle cleared her throat. “I said, Defender of our lands and queendom!” _

_ A crashing sound came from the other side of the throne, and something covered in mud, vaguely Callope-shaped roared over the castle wall. _

_ “An evil spirit, here to disturb good souls at rest! Princess-Duke Caduceus, get the souls to safety before the spirit corrupts them! Sir Colton, to the walls! Defend the city at all costs! _

_ It was a glorious battle, and though Sir Colton fell to the spirit, he managed to vanquish her with his dying breath, and Princess-Duke Caduceus laid him to rest with the other lost souls, where he could be at peace. _

_ When they heard their mother calling them home, Clarabelle tugged Cad’s sleeve. “Can’t we stay a little longer?” _

_ He knelt beside her. “I think we’d better go. Mom gets worried when we stay out after dark. And it’ll be bedtime soon.” _

_ “But...I don’t want to leave my subjects!” Belle looked mournfully back over at her throne. Cad picked up the deer skull. “We can take this one with us, and he’ll be able to talk to the others for you. Just tell him whatever you want them to know.” _

_ “Last time I brought one in, Dad said I had to bury it because it still had stuff on it.” _

_ “I’ll have my beetles clean it for you. You’ll have it back before you fall asleep.” _

_ “Promise?” _

_ “I promise.” _

_ Calliope carried Clarabelle on her shoulders back to the house, Clarabelle swinging her prize by its antler. Colten bumped Caduceus as they walked behind. “You know, I think we should keep her.” _

_ Caduceus nodded. “Clarabelle? Yeah, she’s good.” _

_ “We’re all pretty good. I think I might even stop trying to convince Dad we should sell you. Partly because you got too stringy, but still. You’re a worthy ally, Princess-Duke Caduceus.” He laughed as he bowed. _

_ “As are you, brave and regretfully deceased knight, Sir Colton.” _

“I’ll see you in the morning.” Caduceus said. “I promise.” His voice cracked a little when he spoke. 

He wandered a bit further and caught a glimpse of the large pool in the sanctuary. Calliope was sitting down to pray. He smiled to himself and took his bone flute out of his satchel, twirling it in his fingers. He stalked his target silently, only briefly noticing Caleb when he passed him on his way towards his sister. Caleb smirked and raised an eyebrow, glancing the direction Caduceus was heading then back at the flute in his hands. 

“Don’t mind me.” Cad whispered.

“It is not an easy thing to do...not to mind you.” Caleb muttered. He brushed Cad’s hand with his Mage Hand, tugging slightly. He didn’t want to get up, wasn’t close enough to reach by himself. 

“Alright, Sunflower.” Cad complied. He stopped to kiss Caleb, scratching the stubble on his cheek.

“Mmmh.” Caleb sighed. “Love you.”

“Love you too. Be back in a little bit.”

“Have fun.”

* * *

Calliope was pensive. She dipped her toes in the pool, holding her crystal and running over the aspects of her quest in her mind. Yes, her family was back together, but that wasn’t why they’d all left home. They weren’t done healing the Grove. The visions the Wildmother had given her drifted into her mind’s eye. The green glass. The residuum. Casting. Washing? Planting. She breathed deeply, until she felt like she was floating, falling---

“Gaaahhh!”

Caleb chucked when he heard the ear splitting scream of Caduceus’ flute, followed by a startled cry and a loud splash. He didn’t need to look up to know what had happened. “You are trouble, Herr Clay.” he said to himself.

“Caduceus!” Calliope splashed in the water, trying to find her footing. “Melora help me, one of these days you’re going to regret your...your...nonsense!”

“Not likely. She’s the _ Wild _mother. I’m pretty sure she likes my nonsense.” 

Calliope grabbed up her crystal, dashed out of the water and chased him around the pool’s edge. She’d always been stronger than Caduceus, but he was quick. He stopped running and tried to distract her. “I got you something.”

But Calliope was out for her revenge. She knocked him to the ground and planted her sopping wet foot on his chest to hold him down, hair dripping, face delighted and angry.

Caduceus grinned and held the flute up to her.

"Where the hell did you get this?"

“Oh, around.” Caduceus said casually.

Calliope rolled her eyes."It's mine now, until you earn it back." She said, snatching it from his hand.

Caduceus shrugged, starting to get up. That had been the plan all along. “Be a shame if something happens to Colton tomorrow. Just sayin'.”

"Hmph." She huffed, and just for good measure kicked Cad’s legs out from under him, and he crumpled to the ground with a groan. “Oh man, I've missed you,” he laughed. Calliope finally reached down and picked him up off the ground.. "I missed you, too." She admitted begrudgingly, and Caduceus wrapped her in a hug.

" You're such a _ you _." Calliope said, letting go of her brother. 

“You know, I think I've gotten weirder." Cad replied.

“No. Not possible. What have your friends done to you?" 

“Well, I mean, they’re all pretty weird. The blue one especially. Maybe it’s a cleric thing?” He paused and his tone changed slightly. “I've seen a lot. I don't entirely know who I am anymore…Leaving home, it changes you." 

They both situated themselves on the ground as Calliope picked up Cad’s train of thought. “I know. It always kinda surprised me that you didn’t leave before...now. It’s been longer than I realized.”

Caduceus didn’t really want to talk about that part. “I just did what needed doing. I stayed so you all could go. Colton was never going to be able to stay home when there were adventures he could be having elsewhere, and you have never been one to let a problem go without trying to fix it.”

“And Clarabelle certainly wasn’t going to stick around for long," Calliope laughed. "We could barely keep her in the garden before she was out of diapers. But, that doesn’t mean you had to stop living, Caduceus.” Calliope almost felt guilty, knowing Caduceus felt he needed to stay behind for them.

“I didn’t. I didn’t...I mean, I'm not there now. I just have to...figure out who I am now. Out here.”

“Maybe some family time will do you some good. You can come back home and sort yourself out.”

Caduceus sighed. “I don’t think I can. I’m not sure that’s where I’m meant to be anymore. Or, where I want to be.”

“Caduceus, you’ve wanted to make graves and grow tea and mushrooms your entire life. What are you talking about?”

Caduceus looked back towards the huts where he could hear his friends making trouble, hopefully not too much, and just at the edge of his vision he could see Caleb, or at least the shape of him, and the four little globes of light dancing around his head. Cad felt like he could see the perfect little v in his furrowed brow that he got whenever he read in low light.

“I have two families now. And, I don’t know that I would be more myself if I went back to the Grove. Not...not yet anyway. I think I found another quest on my way to complete this one.”

Calliope chewed her lip, turning her residuum crystal over in her hands. ““Two families, huh? So, you left home to save the Grove and find us, and in the meantime you found a mate.”

“Two families. I didn’t say a _ mate _. He doesn’t...I don’t think he’s used to terms like that--"

"I knew it! It's the human, isn’t it? The...Caleb one.”

"I...yeah. I mean, was it that obvious?" Caduceus cringed. He’d let her draw him in before he realized he’d admitted he was thinking about Caleb, even more than the others.

"Caduceus, I think the only one who didn't catch you two holding hands under the table was _ Dad _. And he still suspected something. Dad. Mr. Can't-find-the-shirt-he's-wearing Dad. Then you told us about reading books together? Love stories?"

"Hey, I said they weren't all love stories."

"Still. It was pretty obvious Caduceus. You're easy to read. I just can’t believe you, of all people. The weirdest of all of us weirdos. I’ll admit the situation is a little non traditional, but it’s undeniably you."

"How is it non traditional?"

Calliope fixed her brother with that look. He knew that look. It was the one she gave him when she couldn’t believe he was that dense. "Look. I don't know how to tell you this, but randomers coming to your abandoned graveyard in haunted woods, asking you to help rescue their kidnapped friends, and then you deciding to go off on an unplanned, multiple year long journey with them is _ not _how most people pick up a date."

Caduceus thought about that for a while. "I guess not. But Melora did say I should go with them."

“Sure. I mean, clearly we wouldn’t be talking right now if you and your friends hadn’t showed up. But still, most people generally do courtship. Dating. You know, flowers and asking your parents’ permission, dinner together. Any of that sound familiar to you?”

"Well, our parents weren’t around, and for...a really long time before that it was just me and the mushrooms and the tea, so I was out of practice with what was usual. And then these guys showed up and things kinda just...happened with Caleb. Over time. We spend time alone together. He loves me. I love him. We kiss. We have sex. I mean, that's pretty together, even if it’s not in the usual order." Cad explained. 

"See, that’s what I mean by non traditional. Leave it to you to even do dating backwards. That and he’s a _ human. _We don’t usually...that’s not typically how we do things.”

Caduceus shrugged. "It seems to work for us."

Calliope shook her head. She was happy enough for Caduceus, even if she didn’t understand his choices. "...he must be pretty special, to fall for a weirdo like you." There was an unexpected kindness in it.

"He is.” Caduceus felt a little bit of a weight lift. He’d told his sister, and he expected her to be one of the least understanding. She was right about the human thing. It wasn’t typical for firbolgs. Some people might take offense to it, but his family wasn’t just some people. Hopefully they’d see past the differences there. If Calliope could accept them, he felt like maybe he could breathe a little easier, and he’d wanted so much to talk to someone in his family about what all of this meant to him.  
“I never thought that was supposed to happen to me, the whole falling in love thing. I thought maybe I’d be kinda like, like Aunt Corrin. Just, live at the Grove. Serve life through death. All of that. I wish she was here. I wish I could talk to her about this. She could meet Caleb and tell me...what I should do.”

“You know Corrin wouldn’t tell you what to do. She’d make you figure it out for yourself. But it sounds like you already have. You made a new family, and they brought you here. They care about our family enough to help you save our home. It doesn't seem like you're ready to end your quest with them. I know you. You see things through.”

“Yes, but seeing things through could also mean going back home. Being sure we've done what we set out to do. I just don't know. And I still don’t know what to tell Mom and Dad about Caleb. I don’t want to scare him. He’s been hurt a lot and family can be difficult for him."

"Well, you need to tell them something. I think Mom already has you figured out, and she'll be pissed you found a mate and didn't tell her."

"I--we’re not--you have to stop calling him that." Caduceus tried to deny it, but he knew. Caleb was _ his _. He was Caleb's. They said it often enough. And what that meant...Calliope was more right than Caduceus could admit. "How'd you come to have so many opinions on other people's love lives, anyway?" Caduceus demanded, trying to turn things around on her.. 

"You'll have to come visit me at the Grove to get that story." His older sister said with a wink. "You might kiss and tell, but I don't.” She stretched and yawned. “Hey, did Eremis show you where you were staying tonight?"

"What? No. I figured we were all gonna sleep in that big common room."

"I don’t know about the rest of your friends, but you're not. Corrin saved you a room in her hut."

"What? But I wasn't even supposed to leave. Why would she do that?"

"She said she had a vision, and you know how Corrin is about her visions."

"Well, they are usually right."

"If you say so. This one seems to have been, anyway. Though I guess 10 years early. In any case, you're in her hut. It's the fourth one on the left from the temple doors here. You can bring Caleb with you. A little more private than the dining room with all of your friends."

Caduceus smiled at his sister. “Thank you.”

Calliope looked down at the crystal in her hands, and noticed that it had begun to sprout something. Tendrils? Roots. Caduceus followed her gaze.

“I think I’ve seen that before.”

“Me too.” She said. “Like in a dream.”

Caduceus took his own residuum crystals and tossed them into the pool. They stood and watched as roots began to grow on them as well.

“I think we’re supposed to plant these.”

“It’s time to take them home.” Caduceus admitted. “But I don’t know if I can. If I can go home. I don’t think I’m ready to plant yet.”

"You could always keep them on you and when you come back and you're ready. Just don't take too long. I mean, we--"

Caduceus didn’t know how long that would be. “I was going to send them with you. But--”

"With me?"

“Are you going home?”

"If you're not, someone has to. I got to protect the rest of these knuckleheads," Calliope laughed, gesturing back to where their parents were sleeping.

Caduceus thought about it. “Maybe...we could talk about it in the morning. Decide then.”

"Hopefully in the morning. If you want me to take these back and we can plant them in your stead, hopefully you'll come home to a... a safer homestead."

“Then you can leave.”

"Yeah."

“You've wanted it longer than I have.”

“Maybe, but I think it’s time for you to enjoy _ your _ freedom for a change.” Calliope was offering to give something up for Caduceus, and he was grateful. 

“Get some sleep.” he told her.

“Someone's got to pull those out first," Calliope said with a quick grin and an even quicker push. Caduceus splashed face first into the water.

“Goodnight, Caduceus.” She called down to him, picking up the crystals as he placed them on the ledge. She’d managed to slip out of his grasp, leaving him to sink to the bottom of the pool. 

He took advantage of the Water Breathing ability Fjord had given them all earlier, to stroll the long way back to shore. He finally resurfaced, dragging himself up out of the water. He shook off what he could before heading back in the direction of his partner and his friends.

* * *

Caleb tried to parse out Halas’ magic, and was able to discover that he needed a power source for the collar he possessed. He could experiment with what would work. He wished he had easier access to a lab though. Of course, the last time he had that kind of access, he was the experiment. He didn’t want to think more about that. At least now he knew what he needed, and knew he couldn’t do more with it from here. He set that project aside, and retrieved the book Nott had gotten for him in Rexxentrum. This place wasn’t exactly a beach, but it was close enough for beach reading. He sent up his Dancing Lights, more for keeping a space in his mind occupied than anything else. He successfully pushed away the rest of the world and lost himself in the adventures and amorous encounters of his book, interrupted only briefly by a few distant splashes, coming from where Caduceus had gone to bother his sister. Then something large and looming dripped onto his head. Caleb looked up to find Cad smiling over him.

“Hey.”

“Caduceus--you are soaked!” Caleb laughed, holding his book out of the way.

“Yeah, that’d be my sister’s fault.” 

“Did you deserve it?”

“Definitely.” Cad replied. He stood behind Caleb, both hands on his shoulders, bending in half to be face to face, inverted. 

“What makes you think I want to be dripped on?” Caleb demanded. He tossed his book out of reach from his watery firbolg.

“Because you want a kiss?”

Caleb glared. “You--fine. Yes. I do. Even when you’re drenched.” His glare softened and he grabbed the collar of Cad’s shirt. Caduceus leaned in and kissed him playfully, passionately. Caleb could tell whatever happened with his family had put Cad in a better mood. 

“Mmm.” Caleb kept his eyes closed, lips still touching Cad’s. “Someone is going to see us. Does that bother you?”

“Nope.” Caduceus rumbled. He kissed Caleb again until he was out of breath. “But my back is getting tired. And I still need to tie up some traveling things with you.”

“Oh?” Caduceus stood up and Caleb began gathering his things.

“I, that is Calliope and I figured out what was supposed to happen with the crystals. The water in the temple made them grow roots. I think they need to be planted in our home. I think that’s the last step.”

“I see. And this was why you needed to go for a fully clothed swim?” Caleb joked, but mostly to hide the anxiety he felt over what this information really meant.

“I think I’d like to send my family back home, as fast as we can. Do you think you would be able to teleport all of us there?” 

“Not directly. I can get us closer, or get us to our friend who can. How soon?”

“Maybe as early as tomorrow.”

Caleb nodded. “And from there--you’d take them home?”

“I don’t know yet. I don’t…” Caduceus sighed. He didn’t feel like the Blooming Grove was his direction, but he hadn’t spoken to his parents yet, and he hadn’t asked the Wildmother. He just didn’t know. He didn’t want to get his hopes up, or Caleb’s. “It’s possible. But I feel just as strongly that I should stay with you.” He cupped Caleb’s cheek and kissed his forehead. “Can that be a problem we face tomorrow?”

Caleb nodded. “Ja. Okay.” He pushed strength into himself with the words. “Do we need to do anything else tonight?” 

Caduceus shook his head. “Just get to bed. Calliope told me Corrin kept a spot for me. She had a vision I’d meet her here, I guess.” Caleb heard the sadness as he spoke.

“I am sorry, Caduceus. I will fix her, we will fix her, if there’s any way at all. We’ll do it. I’ve got a plan for that.” He took Caduceus’ hand as he spoke to reassure him.

"This would all be a lot easier if she were here.” 

“Let’s get some rest, Caduceus.” Caleb said, hoping there could at least be some comfort in sleep. “Lead the way.”

They walked hand in hand towards the place Calliope had pointed out to Caduceus, but they were stopped by the sound of music and mischief coming from one of the huts as they passed. Caduceus ducked his head in first, finding their friends stacking furniture in one of the abandoned homes. Jester was looking through drawers. 

Cad knew they would be up to their antics, but he still felt a responsibility to raz them about it. “Are you all... defiling the--”

“Yes, they are.” Fjord said, quick to accuse, despite the fact that he was right alongside them.

“No defiling. No.” Yasha and Beau defended themselves, chairs and couch in hand.

“-- petrified temple of the Wildmother right now?” Caduceus finished.

“Not a temple, a hut. It’s people’s houses. That’s different, Caduceus.” Beau said. These beds that people definitely masturbate in are not fucking temples.”

“They're cloisters in the temple of the--” Cad started to argue, when Yasha cut him off.

“What's a cloister?”

“It's a place where you masturbate.” Jester said. She had no idea what a cloister was, but that’s what it sounded like, and if it was someone’s house, then she was right enough.

Caduceus blinked for a moment. “Not arguing with that.” He paused. It was a fair point. Awkward perhaps, but fair. “Nope, not arguing with that.”

Caleb was quietly laughing himself to pieces in the corner.

“So it's okay, then.” Yasha said.

Fjord looked at Caduceus and shrugged. “I feel like, at least, if we watch then it's like, sanctioned or something.”

“I'm disappointed the least in you.” Cad told him with a smirk.

“Thank you. I told them they could have one hour.” Fjord told him.

“Good. That’ll work.” Cad agreed.

Beau brought out a bottle of wine from her own stash while they carried on. Caleb took some, but nearly spit it out when he heard Cad remind Yasha that her body was a temple.

“Mine too! A cloister!” Jester threw in.

“Yes, exactly!” Caduceus laughed.  
Caleb shook his head. “Jester, if your body were a temple, wouldn’t you have drawn dicks all over it by now?” “Who says I haven't?” Jester grinned, returning to her looting.

Caleb just laughed. He hadn’t seen any of them in this form in some time. He felt like he was back at the academy, sneaking out of his dorm to steal the headmaster’s clothes from the laundry. They’d all gotten detention except Bren. No one would believe the star student could have been involved. He wondered how they figured the rest of them managed to pick all the locks to get down there without him.

“Why can’t I find any underwear?!” They heard Jester yell in frustration, coming back from the last bedroom. Caduceus shrugged. “The Stone family goes commando.” 

Beau, brought up as Caleb had been on Empire sensibilities looked mildly alarmed. “Does _ your _ family wear underwear, Caduceus?”

“I don’t know what that means.” Caduceus smirked. Caleb just blushed, knowing already that Caduceus never liked extra layers. It had surprised him at first, though lately he’d come to appreciate it.

“What’s underwear?” Yasha asked, and now it was hard to tell who was joking and who thought this was a serious line of conversation. In the midst of their general nonsense, Caduceus snuck back over to Caleb. “Come on” he whispered, and he pulled Caleb out the hut. “Fjord will make sure they don’t get too out of hand.”

* * *

Caduceus took them to the hut Calliope pointed out. The moment he opened the door, he recognized Corrin’s shawl and her traveling bag hung up. Her walking stick rested beside the door. A simple kitchen and a sitting area with low a table and chairs greeted them in the main room. Two doors stood at the back exiting to bedrooms. Eremis must have been through here. The dust of the past 10 years seemed to have been cleared away. A good use of Prestidigitation, Caleb thought.

“This is definitely Corrin’s.” Caduceus said. He dropped his bag beside the table, finding his Aunt’s journal. One page had been torn out and folded in half. It had had his name on it, a little beetle sketched beside it. 

“What is it?” Caleb moved beside him.

“I don’t know.” Cad unfolded the note.

_ My dear Caduceus, _

_ I cannot decide whether to send this home to you, or throw it in the sea or give it to one of the beasts here in the Menagerie and hope it finds its way to you. I have dreamed of you in far off places, with strange people and having odd encounters. I think the Wildmother is trying to tell me that something is happening to my little beetle, or it will soon. Life is changing always, and for you, I fear it may feel like you halted after we left. But change will find you, and growth, and life. You are far to wild and strange to be kept away at home. I know you felt that you had to stay. You know my thoughts on that. I only pray that now you will get to enjoy the adventures the Wildmother sends you on. You are allowed to enjoy them. Life is more than responsibilities and shoulds, scarab. Indulge. Take time for yourself. Do things you love. The Wildmother delights in pleasure and play as much as she delights in your hard work. _

_ Time is always tricky with Melora’s messages, so perhaps you won’t get this until long after the important parts have taken place, or maybe you will get it years ahead of time. Whatever happens, I think we will meet again before I get back to the Grove, and that is exciting news for me. I have missed you dearly, and your tea (don’t tell your mother, but she always over-steeps it). _

_ If my visions are right--and they are, no matter what your sister says--I think we will see each other in the Menagerie. When you get here, find me, or ask someone to show you to my hut. If you have someone special with you, there is room for you and them. Not pushing, just...something I saw in a dream. You know you always have a place with me. _

_ I give you all my love, dear one, until we are together again. _

_ Aunt Corrin _

Caduceus smiled down at the page, and handed it to Caleb to read. “She always knows what to say.” Caduceus said.

“I’m excited to meet her.” Caleb replied when he finished the letter. He thought about what she’d said about Cad staying behind.

“She...didn’t want you to stay alone in the Grove, did she?” he asked.

“No. She knew why I was staying. She’s never liked ‘should’ as an answer. She said it was because she’s an old lady and she can do whatever she wants,” Cad explained with a laugh, “but my mother said she’s been that way since they were small.”

“She didn’t want you to be alone.” Caleb saw it in how Corrin made plans for Caduceus. Always a place for him to stay, always a welcome, safe presence. “I’m glad you’re not alone.” he finished, putting the letter down.

“Me too.” Caduceus agreed.

Caleb’s hand brushed Caduceus’ hair back. “You’re still all wet, _ schatz _.”

“We should probably fix that, huh?”

Caleb nodded. “You’ll catch a cold otherwise.”

Caduceus smiled at him playfully. “You know I’m a healer.”

“Ja, but I also know prevention is the best medicine.” Caleb retorted. “Let’s see your room.”

“Our room.” It was perhaps an unnecessary correction, but something about being with his family, something in the letter and the things his sister said made Caduceus feel like it was important to acknowledge. Corrin had expected someone with Caduceus. That felt like a confirmation of who they were to each other, even if Caleb didn't use the same terms as the Clays.

"Our room." Caleb agreed.

Similar to the rooms at the Cinderrest Sanctum, the huts were bare accommodations, but again, with beds large enough for a variety of folk from many walks of life. Caduceus could sleep comfortably here without his feet hanging over the edge. They had a washbasin, a red clay pitcher and two drinking glasses, fired from the natural earth of the area. Caduceus filled them, wondering whose idea it had been to leave them there.

“Caduceus, I think you have enough water.” Caleb said with a smile. He tugged at Cad’s shirt until Caduceus took it off, and Caleb found a place to hang it to dry. Cad handed him his pants next, which Caleb hung out next to the shirt. “Did you want something else to wear?”

“No. I’m comfortable.” 

Caleb smiled to himself before turning back to his partner. He found a towel and moved to help Cad dry off. “You may be comfortable, but you still seem pretty damp to me.” 

Cad smirked and snapped his fingers. “Dry as a bone.”

Caleb looked a little surprised. “When did you learn that?” 

“When we visited Pumat Sol. It’s handy for cleanup.”

“It is.” Caleb agreed. “Makes my job much easier.” He tossed the towel aside and moved into Cad’s space, wrapping his arms around his waist. He traced patterns on Cad’s back, and ran his nose over Cad’s sternum. “Is this alright?” he murmured. 

“Very alright, Caleb.” Caduceus’ voice dropped. 

“I wanted us to get some time for ourselves before...you go. If you have to go. Seems I get my wish.” Caleb confessed.

“I think I get mine too.”

“What was your wish, Caduceus?”

“You.” 

* * *

From anyone else, it would have been an insufferably cheesy line, but from Caduceus, Caleb adored it.

“You have me.” he promised. He ran his hands up to Cad’s shoulders and pulled him down into a deep kiss. 

“Cad?”

“Hmm?”

“I need you.” Caleb whispered, pressing a trail of kisses down Cad’s neck. His hand dropped from Cad’s shoulder to his side, scratching through the fine hairs that covered Cad’s body, coming to rest on Cad’s hip bone. His thumb caressed the spot and Caleb pulled him closer.

Caduceus forgot to breathe.

“Please, Caduceus?”

“Hah--oh. Yes.” Cad realized he was supposed to answer; he just wanted Caleb to touch him. “Just tell me what you want Sunflower.”

_ I want you to wreck me _was Caleb’s immediate thought. He wasn’t sure Caduceus would know what he meant, or feel okay with the wording.

Caleb pulled Cad to the bed and pushed him to sit down, before kneeling in front of him. He marveled at Caduceus, and his gaze dropped to Cad’s cock, already hard for him. Caleb shivered.

“I want to kiss you, first.”

Caduceus nodded. “G-good.” He ran his fingers through Caleb’s hair. “Can you do something for me first?”

“Anything.” Caleb answered, but his eyes didn’t move. He wet his lips.

“Take your clothes off. I wanna see you, all of you. I don’t have your perfect memory. I need to look as much as possible, before I lose the chance.”

The reality of the statement, that they could lose this, pushed Caleb. He stood up, putting himself almost eye level with his partner. He kissed his lips. “Then look.” Caleb took Cad’s hands to unbutton his shirt. Caduceus willingly followed, looking with his eyes, his hands and his mouth. He lifted Caleb into his lap, kissing his chest, down his abdomen as he removed each layer Caleb hid behind. He laughed.

“Maybe you should learn to skip underwear too.”

“And miss having you undress me more? I do not think I will.” Caleb remarked. Caduceus pushed Caleb’s shorts down and gave him a few loving strokes, holding him stradled over his seated form. 

“Unh--not yet. Caddy. Slow. I want. To go slow.” Caleb reluctantly pushed Cad’s hand away and climbed out of his lap. Before Caduceus had the chance to grumble, Caleb was kneeling, kissing up Cad’s thighs.

“Just relax. I’ve got you.”

He kissed Cad’s head, smiling at the response it earned him. Caduceus bit his lip, stifling a moan when Caleb moved from soft kisses to taking Cad fully in his mouth.

"Mmm" Caleb hummed around him, massaging Caduceus' thighs.

"I thought...you...wanted to go...slow." Caduceus panted. 

Caleb slid back, releasing Caduceus. "I can get carried away." he blushed.

"Come here." Caduceus breathed. He lifted Caleb onto the bed and laid down with him, both on their sides, facing each other. For a while they just laid there, Caduceus stroking his hand over Caleb's side, kissing his face. Caleb pressed closer, memorizing the feeling of their bodies in this soft intimacy.

Caduceus stared into Caleb's eyes, drinking down their brilliant blue. "I love you, Caleb."

"I love you too."

Caduceus bumped their noses together. "I love you." he repeated. He kissed Caleb's lips. "I love you." He slid down, nipping experimentally at his partner's neck. "I love you."

"Love...you…" Caleb inhaled sharply and tightened his grip on Cad's shoulders. 

"Hmm." Caduceus smiled against his skin. "More?"

"Bitte. _ Please. _ H-h-harder."

"Don't want to hurt you, Cay."

" ' won't. Just. _ Bitte. _ Caddy." _ Leave a mark, so I'll have you on me still when you're gone. _Caleb couldn't say it. He needed it, but he wouldn't bring that sadness into this moment. 

Cad bit down, sucking at Caleb's skin, pleased to hear Caleb moan at the sensation. He rolled Caleb onto his back, never letting go of the spot until he had Caleb beneath him, wrapped tightly in his arms. Then he released the skin, and licked the red, blossoming mark.

"Ahh!" Caleb clung to Caduceus. "Caduceus...you're...so good to me--oh!" 

Caduceus chuckled, running his tongue over Caleb's neck. He looked down at his lover. "Perfect." He kissed Caleb's lips softly. "Perfect for me." 

Caleb arched at the praise. "For you." 

Caduceus took his time. He was torn between holding Caleb close and wanting to kiss every inch of him. The sensation of so much touch made Caleb dizzy. When the ghosting of Cad’s fingers was too much, Caleb grabbed his hand, bringing his fingers to his lips. He licked Cad’s fingertips, catching Cad’s eyes. “I _ need _ you.” Caleb repeated. 

“I’m here. Right here. You’ve got me.”

Caleb managed to get up without losing contact with Caduceus, in part because Cad followed wherever he moved. Caleb crawled back under Cad, pressing a vial of oil into his hand. “I need you closer…”  
Cad took the vial and coated his fingers. “Lay back for me, Sunflower.” Caleb shivered, stretching back. Cad stared at him hungrily. “Wow. That’s...beautiful.” His fingers traced down Caleb’s body, giving some extra attention to Caleb’s cock before he slipped an arm under Caleb for support, and slowly started working him open. Caleb sighed into Caduceus. He groaned when Cad curled his fingers gently. Caduceus had been paying attention. 

“That’s it, Caleb. Good.” Caduceus returned to kissing his lover, anywhere he could reach while he stretched him. This was good. This had to be done slowly. They couldn’t be in a hurry here. Lazily Caleb would reach for Caduceus, rubbing his torso or wrapping his fingers around his shaft to pump him, sharing his excitement.

“Careful, Cay.” Caduceus panted. “I wanna last for you.”

It could have been hours before Caduceus finally pressed into Caleb. Neither of them were keeping track of time anymore. 

“Yes…” Caleb hissed as he felt Cad slide into him. “Just...ahn. Go slow. You are...a lot...to...take in.”

Caduceus bit the inside of his cheek, pacing himself. He’d never felt anything like this before. It was so tight and warm, and he could be so close to Caleb here. He eased in until his body was flush against Caleb’s. Laying over him, supporting himself on his elbow, he kissed Caleb, as if he could pour his soul into a kiss. This was a gift._ Caleb _ was a gift. His tongue soothed over Caleb’s lips, parting them. Caleb responded eagerly, and Caduceus felt that, together like this, they had both found home. 

Caleb’s every nerve was alight as his partner pressed into him, kissed him, continued to lavish him with affection. “Don’t stop.” Caleb whispered when Caduceus pulled back to breathe. Caleb had gotten his slow time, but now that he had Caduceus here, he just wanted more, more of everything. 

Cad’s thrusts sped up. His body created a beautiful arch over Caleb, his mouth biting tender marks into Caleb’s shoulder, his hand between them, giving Caleb all the pleasure he could while he chased his own.

“‘M close, Cay.” Caduceus panted.

Caleb nodded. “Come for me.”

“Hhn. You...first. Want you first.” Cad whispered.

“Just...don’t stop…” Caleb shut his eyes, his body relaxing into every sensation Caduceus gave him. His mind went white as Caduceus bit a deep mark into his shoulder, moaning against the skin. Caleb’s orgasm stole through his body, and the force of it, the sound of Caleb crying Cad’s name, murmuring “I love yous” and Zemnian nothings through gasps for air sent Caduceus tumbling over the edge with him.

The two laid still as Caduceus collapsed on top of Caleb, dotting gentle kisses at his neck and his cheek. He sighed, deeply content. When he finally slipped out of Caleb, a second casting of Prestidigitation eliminated any need to get out of bed and clean up the mess they’d made, so Caduceus just hugged his partner tighter.

“Caleb Widogast?”

“Mm?”

“I’m in love with you.”

“Did you think I hadn’t noticed, Herr Clay?” Caleb teased. He kissed Cad’s ear and whispered softly “I’m in love with you too.”

“I...I’m yours. I don’t think I could be anyone else’s.” Caduceus was trying to tell him what this meant to him, but his words were failing again. He searched Caleb’s eyes to see if he could understand.

“Then just be mine. I’m yours.”

Neither let go of the other as they began the drowsy journey to sleep. Caleb knew now, living without Caduceus would be another death, one of the many he had survived. He hoped Caduceus wouldn’t ask him to endure it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had a lot of fun playing with the Clay family relationships in this chapter. I've been looking forward to writing it for a long time. I also couldn't help but keep some of the ridiculous, completely canon conversations that happened in this episode, particularly re: cloisters. Just, what a delightful crew, and hail to the sheltered, home-schooled, but still sex educated Caduceus Clay!
> 
> I have gotten more comfortable with writing sex, I think. I prefer keeping it as an occasional treat in the writing to write a full scene. I just really love consensual, loving relationships, and I hope I've done an alright job representing that here.
> 
> We're coming to our last couple of chapters, either 27 or 28 in total. Comments and Kudos are deeply appreciated. I especially love hearing your perspectives on different aspects, favorite parts, etc. Please feel free to share!
> 
> You're all lovely humans. Thanks for reading!


	26. We'll Take the Long Way Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> SPOILERS FOR EPISODE 96  
More fun with the Clays, and how to return them to the Blooming Grove.  
CW: soft mention of gender dysphoria. Switching between pronouns, but not as a means of misgendering.

Caleb reached for Cad's arm as the firbolg stretched upward, yawning and attempting to greet the day.

"_ Nein. Nein. _" Caleb whispered, laying over Caduceus and pulling his arm down. "It is not morning yet" he mumbled between sleepy kisses on Cad’s chest.

"What time is it?"

"Early. Too early, _ liebchen _ ." Caleb tugged Caduceus’ arm around himself. “ _ Bitte. _ Go back to sleep.”

"I need to see to Colton and Clarabelle." Caduceus said, but he followed Caleb’s guidance, encircling his waist and hugging his human tighter. "I promised them I'd be there before breakfast." Cad kissed the crown of Caleb’s head. “I promised.”

Caleb crawled up, face to face with his partner. "They have waited 10 years. Could they not wait 10 more minutes?" He stared into Caduceus' eyes, a rare treat. It was so hard to get Caleb to look him in the eye.

"How can I say no to that?" Caduceus chuckled. 

Caleb grinned. He laced their fingers together and brought Cad's hand to his lips. "Stay. Stay." He murmured, kissing his fingertips softly. He moved from hand to lips, up to Cad’s forehead, over to nuzzle his ear. “Stay. Caduceus. Don’t...don’t leave me." Caleb whispered, and they both realized what he meant. Caleb's heart pounded. He hadn’t meant to say it. He told himself he wouldn't, that he'd keep out of the way. But waking up in Cad's arms, Caleb couldn't imagine letting that slip away. He hated the thought of the cold mornings that would come once Caduceus left, the long, awful nightmares that no one would interrupt. What if he couldn't get back to Caduceus? "_ Bitte _." He pleaded quietly, ashamed of himself for asking.

“I don’t want to go." Caduceus felt his heart break at the fear in Caleb's voice. This was the battle he'd been fighting with himself for weeks now. How did he choose his old life over this? And if Caleb was...if _ mate _ was the right thing to call him, then it would be wrong to leave him now. Wouldn't it? Or was that just selfishness? Was he just avoiding the Grove and his duty? 

"I'm trying not to, Sunflower. But, I might have to. I have to go where I am most needed. Where she sends me. Where I can do the greatest good...” 

Caleb nodded. His brain reminded him sharply that he was far from the greatest good to anyone. If that was the measure, he thought, then he knew Caduceus couldn’t stay with him. “I have just found my heart again. I do not want to lose it-- but I can. It’ll be easier...knowing it’s with you." He rested his forehead against Cad's temple, eyes squeezed shut as he tried to push through the words. "If that is what you need. I won’t get in your way of going home.” 

In a surprisingly fluid motion, Caduceus rolled over, laying Caleb on his back. His hair fell in a shroud around Caleb. “Caleb, look at me." It was a gentle command, and he had Caleb delicately pinned. Caleb had nowhere else to look. He slowly opened his eyes, fighting the guilt. 

"If I leave, it won’t be to go home. Not anymore.” Caduceus paused, trying to find the right words. His own traditions had words for what he and Caleb were. He wanted Caleb to hear it, but he was afraid it would sound wrong. Too much or too primitive or too soon. Caduceus couldn't manage the pace of how things _ should _ be. He just knew how they were. _ “This _ is my home. You are my...you are... where you are, that's home.”

Caleb felt the words hit him, even as he tried to convince himself that Caduceus was only saying them because they were still in bed, not yet looking at Cad's responsibilities head on. People said a lot of things in bed that could change when reality set in. But it stung Caleb to think like that about Caduceus. Hadn't he learned by now to trust Cad with what he wanted? He exhaled slowly, earning an approving hum from his partner. Caleb chose to have the moment. He was home to Caduceus Clay. What an impossible, wonderful thing. 

Cad rubbed Caleb’s chest, his warm, broad fingers soothing him. _ As it should be _ , Cad thought. He felt a strange pride in being able to bring calm to his mate. _ Mate. _ That word again. It felt…good...right. For now he would keep that to himself, until it seemed right to talk with Caleb about it. 

Cad purred, watching Caleb's anxiety bleed out of him as he gave in to Caduceus' touch. He blinked sleepily. That was plenty for Cad; it told him all he needed to know: he was home to Caleb too.

Caleb felt Cad's rumbling vibrate through his body. For a while he didn't respond, just feeling the physical sensations around him as Caduceus chipped away his tension. 

"You make this noise when you are happy." Caleb said finally. 

"I...yeah. is that weird?"

"No. I like it."

**"**Zair goot?" Cad asked and Caleb couldn't help but laugh. His accent was improving. Sort of.

"_ Ja. Sehr gut. _"

Caduceus dropped down, somewhat smothering Caleb in his hair, and letting the bassy sound reverberate through both of them. He laughed as Caleb huffed the hair out of his face.

Caleb kissed his nose. "Ten more minutes,_ leibeling _?" 

"Mmm. Yeah. That sounds good."

By the time Caduceus finally got out of bed (5:47AM), Caleb was still hiding in their pillows. 

“Cay,” Caduceus called softly, chuckling to himself. He didn’t want to go without Caleb, but he could manage on his own if he couldn’t get him out of bed. Caleb lifted his head reluctantly, greeted with the sight of Cad in nothing but a long, flowing skirt, pale green. 

Caleb propped himself up. “I am awake.” He couldn’t stop staring at Caduceus. He looked so comfortable. So free. He looked like what Caduceus would look like if they weren’t always on the road, running from one thing to the next. He looked beautiful. Caleb climbed out of bed in time to stop Cad from sliding a shirt over his head. “I like this. I have not seen it before.” He held the rubbed material between his fingers with his free hand, holding Cad’s arm with the other.

“It belonged to Corrin. I thought it might be nice. To wear it for her today. I...haven’t felt like wearing it much. I already stick out, and…I get nervous.”

“Caduceus.” Caleb chided. “We like you as you are. ** _I_ ** like you as you are. Is this more what you like?" 

"Sometimes. I don't like... always being one thing. I'm. Hmm."

"You flow?" Caleb offered. Caduceus nodded. Caleb understood what he meant, at least a bit. He always seemed to, especially when Cad’s words went away, and that was a relief.

"You don’t have to make yourself less because of other people. Ever. Certainly not for me. I love you, Caduceus, all of you. Now, come here.” Caleb reached up and tugged Cad’s hair, pulling them down into a kiss.

  
  


* * *

Caleb and Caduceus made their way out of the hut and across the cavern, towards where Colton and Clarabelle were. Caduceus held Caleb's hand as they walked. They gave each other courage, Caleb to Cad for the work they needed to do for their family, Caduceus to Caleb for all he was being thrown into with the Clays suddenly around them. Cornelius and Constance were walking towards them, Calliope trailing behind, tucking a lock of her hair into a braid. Caleb looked up at Caduceus anxiously, but Cad squeezed his hand. 

"'s alright, Cay. You're not a secret. "

Caleb nodded mutely. 

They met the other Clays directly in front of the two stone siblings. 

“Morning.” Calliope grumbled. She was not a morning person at the best of times. This was about as warm as her daytime greetings got.

Constance kissed Cad’s forehead. For a moment Caduceus let go of Caleb to hug his parents. Apparently the Clays always greeted their children this way. Caleb felt the icy hole in his heart. He had known that kind of love once. He shrank back a little, but Caduceus took his hand again the moment he let go of his parents.

“Did you sleep well, Mr. Caleb?” Constance asked. Her eyes moved between himself and Caduceus. She appeared to be paying attention to him, while simultaneously having a silent conversation with her son. Whatever it was seemed to warm her expression.

“Oh, Ja. Very well. Good. Fine. Ah, thank you.” 

Caduceus smirked. He felt Caleb nervously tapping his thumb against Cad’s thumbnail. Caduceus squeezed his hand. “Corrin expected I would have company.” He told his parents. “She made sure there was space for both of us. Made sleeping much easier. You wouldn’t believe how many places on the road have tiny beds. Wide enough, but never enough leg room--I didn’t realize people like us were so uncommon!” 

The Clays laughed and Cornelius agreed. “Slept in a stable on more than one occasion just so I could stretch out. These old legs don’t bend like they used to.”

“Dad, you’re not even 300 years old. What are you talking about, ‘old legs’?” Calliope teased.

Caleb’s mind swam at that idea. How young Caduceus was for his people, how much of Cad’s life Caleb might miss--_ would _miss if they stayed together, if they were to...He blinked. He was getting too far ahead of himself. 

“Cad, ah, Caduceus. Is there anything I can do for you to help with--?” He gestured towards the two Clay children still trapped in stone. The family was remarkably distractible. 

“No, I think I have what I need. Thank you for being here with us this morning.”

Caleb nodded. Where else would he be? Caduceus was here, and they were once again in Caduceus’ story. There was nowhere else he could be.

Constance and Caduceus stepped forward, each placing their hands on one of the statues, Constance took her oldest son’s face in her hands, exhaling slowly while her gift disintegrated the diamond in her hand. Caduceus laid both of his hands on his sister’s head. Caleb hadn’t looked closely at her before now. She looked to be about Caleb's height. She was young, younger than he had realized. She looked like a young teenager, however old that might be for a firbolg. He understood even more now, Caduceus believing he needed to sacrifice himself to take care of others. He wanted to give Clarabelle the freedom he couldn't take for himself. 

The smallest firbolg gasped, her fists flying at Caduceus, who had no trouble catching her. “Hey there--Clarabelle, hey. Hey. It’s alright. I’ve got you. You’re okay.” Clarabelle slowly recognized him, and immediately her attack turned into a bear hug around her brother’s neck. Cad lifted her effortlessly, hugging her as tight as he could, spinning her. “Caduceus!” She cried. She lifted her head to look at him. “You’re alright! And, I’m alright?”   
Cad nodded.   
“And we’re not all dead here, just...having a dead people party?”

Cad shook his head and they both laughed. 

“Alright,” Cornelius interrupted. “My turn to hold the baby.” He pulled Clarabelle off of her brother and into a giant hug himself. "I've missed you so much, little one." Cornelius was crying and laughing, overjoyed to have all of his children well and in one place again.

Caduceus embraced his brother, though the greeting was less enthusiastic. Caleb began asking himself why he was here, what he was doing, intruding on this moment, as the family celebrated their reunion, and answered the more painful questions about their aunt to Colton and Clarabelle. He didn’t belong in this. He stepped backwards, until he heard Caduceus say his name.

“...Caleb thinks we will be able to help her.” 

“Caleb is one of the friends you’ve been traveling with then?”

“Oh. Sorry." Caduceus laughed. "I got so caught up I didn't think to introduce you. Caleb is my--" Cad turned, arm extended to Caleb, "Cay?" He said quietly, and Caleb was a little stunned, finding himself pulled into the middle of this family. Cad wrapped his arm comfortably around Caleb's shoulders. "Caleb is...very dear to me. You’ll meet the others over breakfast. Caleb, this is my brother Colton and my sister, Clarabelle. Colton, Belle, this is my partner, Caleb." Colton cocked an eyebrow, and Clarabelle gave Caleb a bright, confused smile. Constance smiled as her husband looped his arm in hers, and Calliope tried to hide the look on her face that betrayed she was proud of her brother.

Caleb swallowed hard. The word was out now, though not apparently recognized by all the Clays. "Hallo. It is good to meet you both. Caduceus has told me so much about you... I, ah, it is, an honor." His hands were starting to sweat and he was sure he would have run in the other direction had Caduceus not been holding his shoulders. It dawned on him that this was almost definitely why Cad was doing so.

“I am hopeful,” Caleb rambled nervously, “I think, that is, I have some skill as a mage, and Jester is a very gifted healer, as well as a talented artist. I think between ourselves we have a good chance of reassembling the pieces. There does not need to be another loss in your family. We will do all we can for Corrin.”

  
  


* * *

Caduceus walked his family back to the main building they had been in the night before, to prepare breakfast. He trusted Fjord to wake the others, not totally sure himself where they’d all landed to sleep. Clarabelle was quick to take a spot under his arm. Caduceus gladly obliged, taking Caleb’s hand on the other side, either because he wanted to or to keep him from running off. Maybe a bit of both. The difference between how much the Clays casually touched and what Caleb had seen over the last year living with Caduceus, it was no wonder Caduceus suffered the way he did alone, and even still sometimes with the Nein. He had missed something he greatly needed.

“I will get tea started.” Caleb told Cad, urging him to sit and talk with his family when they reached the dining area. “Just tell me who I should make."

"Actually, Caleb," Constance spoke up, "Could you make some of the tea Caduceus grew? In your sunless garden? I very much enjoyed it. Clarabelle, it'll suit your sweet tooth, I think." 

Belle's ears perked up "You have a sunless garden?!"

Caleb smiled and snuck away to the kitchen, lifting Cads tea pouch from him on his way.

Caduceus felt his heart swell. He and Belle had always been close, and of all of his siblings, she had clearly missed him the most. Having his family together again, and receiving so much love from them did him good. Clarabelle curled up on a cushion next to him at the low table, leaning on his arm. It took her almost no time to find a bit of charcoal in her pocket and start properly blacking in his naturally dark nails as he told his siblings of his travels with the Mighty Nein. 

Caleb took his time in the kitchen, stealing glances from the doorway, reading the family. Colton was proud, a little bit pushy, which made it that much funnier when he was informed that the rest of his family had discovered how to save their home before him. It was his build that struck Caleb though. Both of Cornelius Clay's son's looked like him, but where Cad was long and lanky, Colton was filled out, muscular. Caleb noticed that with all of Cad's family. He had expected them to be built like Caduceus. Now he wondered how much of Cad's build was natural, and how much was neglect. He studied them, waiting for a kettle to boil.   
Calliope only further confirmed her similarities to Beauregard. She was smart, and she knew it, opinionated, a capable fighter it would seem, and she always got the last word. Caleb liked that. 

Clarabelle was a mystery altogether, yet the most similar to Caduceus. She seemed to have a world of her own, which she retreated to often. Where the others had grey or pink hair, Clarabelle had apparently been trying a number of color experiments on hers, with varying degrees of success. While her family talked about home, or their duties to the Wildmother, or significant events from their time apart, Belle would tell Caduceus about all the new bugs she had met, the goings on of her insect companions, how they were coping with the travel, and snippets of what seemed to be the news from her own imaginary creations. Caleb didn't catch the last parts, as he heard Colton say his name. 

"So, Caduceus. Mr. Caleb is your..._ partner _?" 

Belle didn't look up, just continued coloring on her brother as the conversation didn't concern her. Cad glanced at Calliope before answering.

"He is. I--Caleb has been a great gift to me, since leaving home. He is very smart. Caring. Loyal. He understands things a lot of others don't…" 

Caleb blushed, hearing Cad praise him. He didn't feel he deserved it, but he didn't have time to get stuck on that. The tone in Cad's voice was anxious. Unfortunately, before Caleb caught more, the kettle was screaming and he had to set to making tea. He lost the rest of the conversation.

* * *

"Well, to be fair Caduceus, most of us don't understand you most of the time."

Cad shrugged. "True. And, not gonna change if my friends have anything to do with it."

Colton looked confused and Calliope laughed. "You'll see when you meet them. They're good for Caduceus. Different, but comparably weird."

"You mentioned this Fjord fellow is a follower of the Wildmother. Is Mr. Caleb as well?" Colton asked.

"Caleb...has his own path. Different people have different callings." 

Colton's eyebrows continued to climb higher on his face, until his mother thought they might receed up into his hair. 

"I see. Huh." Colton continued. " And, he is... human...have you thought about--?"

"Why are you bothering Caduceus so much over his **friend** , Colton? You need breakfast. You're being weird in a grouchy way. And who cares _ what _ Caduceus' friends are? They like Caduceus, and we like Caduceus--"

"Most of us do." Calliope interjected.

"_ We _like him. So we're fine. Mr. Caleb's making us tea, you don't need to grill Caduceus for it. I think he’s very nice, Caduceus."

The two eldest siblings exchanged looks, smirking a bit. Clarabelle wasn't familiar with the term Caduceus used to introduce Caleb, and was a little oblivious to the situation. However, her defence was fair. 

Constance cleared her throat as Cornelius leaned over to Caduceus. "Very nice of your Caleb to make us tea. Did he learn to brew it from you? Or should we plan on something a little oversteeped?" He chuckled warmly and patted his son on the shoulder. 

Cad grinned. This was always Cornelius' way when the sibling ribbing went too far. In this case, it was difficult to say if Colton was just giving Cad a hard time or if he felt there was a problem with Caduceus' choice in a partner. Cornelius wanted to make his feelings on that matter clear. Cad found it, as always, very comforting. 

* * *

Caleb entered the room to Constance sharing a story about her sister. "Corrin was just between Clarabelle and Caduceus’ age when she left home for the first time. Did you know that Colton? Left with a tabaxi woman. They were together many seasons. She came home to bury her before she was even 200 years old. She wasn't specifically a servant of the Wildmother, not exactly, but she very much belonged in the family. They shared a lot of beautiful memories." She paused to take the cup of tea Caleb was handing her. "Oh, thank you Mr. Caleb. That's very kind. Mmm. It smells lovely! Anyway, Calliope's name was inspired by Corrin's first love. Remind me to take you to her resting place when we get home." 

"She makes wonderful tea. Soothing, but _ potent _. Corrin says you can't drink too much or your brain gets weird." Caduceus chimed in. Of course he knew this story; it was part of why he so desperately wished Corrin was here. In truth, Cad had found that as an occasional treat, a heavy dose of that particular tea was just fine. He'd been wishing he'd brought some when he left home. He suspected it might have been helpful for Caleb's anxiety.

Colton took the hint and laid off. 

Caleb set the tray down, handing out cups. He placed Cad's pot of honey from their seafaring days in front of Clarabelle, who glowed like a sunbeam. "Honey?! Thank you, Mister Caleb!" 

Caleb smiled back at her. "Thank Caduceus. He has been saving that to share with you for some time." 

Caleb passed around the rest, guessing correctly that Clarabelle was the only one interested in adding anything sweet to her tea. He set the last cup in his spot, handing the other to Caduceus. Cad locked eyes with him for a moment. Caleb was so attentive. The tea was of course perfectly brewed, and he remembered that Cad bought honey all those months ago. He loved this man. His thumb traced over Caleb's hand before pulling away. Cad guessed Caleb would feel nervous about touching in front of Cad's family. Nevertheless, Caleb ghosted his fingers over Cad's ear as he moved to his seat. He hadn't been obvious, but he also forgot he was surrounded by incredibly perceptive people. Clarabelle blinked, starting to put together why Colton has been so interested in Cad's relationship with Caleb. Cornelius smirked, and pecked his mate on the cheek. She rolled her eyes at him, but couldn’t hide her smile.

A groggy troupe of merrymakers, the rest of the Mighty Nein stumbled into the dining area, more or less all at once, from a couple of rooms off the side of the central dining space. 

“Cad. Coffee. Please.” Beau flopped onto a cushion rather pathetically. Caleb put his hand on Cad’s arm. “I will get it. I was going to make mine anyway.”

“No, Caleb. I’ve got this. I want to get started on breakfast, and I don’t think anyone else is up to the task of cooking for this big of a family.” Caduceus said, standing up. Yasha joined him, in part just to avoid such a large gathering at such an early hour.

The meal went as expected for friends meeting family. There were stories from both Cad’s family and the Nein, all centered on Caduceus, frequently followed by awkward silence, side conversations, and the sound of uncomfortable people sipping tea or coffee. The anxiety from that alone would have been enough for Caleb, but of course, he had an extra dose. He didn’t catch Colton’s misgivings, and it did seem Caduceus' parents were very friendly towards him, but meeting the Clays was an overwhelming experience nonetheless. With Cad gone to the kitchen, Caleb felt the stare of the youngest Clay burning into him, with a kind of electrically charged curiosity.

“Hallo.” Caleb said shyly, when he finally caught her staring at him.

“Hi.” Clarabelle grinned in reply. She took this as a cue to scoot over into Caduceus’ seat. “Mr. Caleb. My brother holds hands with you.” She was so cheerfully, unsettlingly direct. Very like Caduceus. Mercifully, she wasn’t loud, and they could have this conversation beneath the din of the others.

“He does.” 

“Does he do that with all of your friends or just you?”’

“I, ah, think just me.”

“And he lets you touch his ears. Do you know a lot about firbolgs? We have a lot of traditions. A lot of things that are special.” She pushed her hair out of her eyes, ears swishing. The hair immediately fell back down.

“I am afraid Caduceus has been my only teacher.” Caleb felt hot under the collar. Had he crossed a boundary in front of Cad’s family? He was just trying to do something he knew Cad liked.

“He likes you. Like, a lot. He ** _like_ ** likes you.”

Caleb blushed, ducking his head. _ I should hope so, _ he thought. “I like him too. Very much. Caduceus is very important to me.”

“Hmm.” Belle said, nodding. “You smell like him.”

“_ Was? _I smell like him?” 

“Yeah. You smell like Caduceus.” 

“We do...all live together.”

“No. They don’t smell like Caduceus. Not like you do Mr. Caleb. It’s. Interesting. Nice kind of interesting, I think.”

Caleb could feel his hands getting sweaty again. He looked over his shoulder just in time to see Cad and Yasha bringing out plates of food to go around. Caduceus’ ability to make marvelous meals out of nothing was always impressive, but he could have brought out a plate of giant spider legs and Caleb would have been thrilled. He wanted any excuse to stop this train of conversation, or at least let Caduceus be the one to answer. 

“Clarabelle, that’s my seat.” Caduceus said, nudging her with his foot. 

“You didn’t call dibs.” She argued. “You can have my seat.”

Cad decided he was hungry enough that it wasn’t worth fighting. He mouthed an apology to Caleb. Apparently he had sensed what his sister was on about. Caduceus had no trouble engaging her and Caleb in more comfortable conversation, although Belle’s curious stares and little smirks didn’t disappear.

Caleb almost felt relieved when the meal ended, and they could turn their attention to the much harder task of trying to piece together the broken remains of Corrin Clay.

* * *

It was delicate, difficult work. Caleb removed the pieces from his amber vault, and levitated them, allowing Jester to create seams with her magic paint, slowly recreating Corrin Clay. Caleb kept holding his breath, afraid to move in case he bumped Jester's work. It wasn't a perfect job. There wasn't a chance that it would have been, but it would hopefully be enough. Jester was fairly certain she's never concentrated on anything so hard in her life. 

Nott watched, beginning to feel something almost like jealousy. Caleb was good at this, and careful. She wished this were her, being healed and changed. Caleb could do this. He could make her Veth again. If this thing with Clay's aunt worked, she would have to let him. She was as ready as she'd ever be. Being around Caduceus' family, even just for a meal, reminded her how much she missed her own. They'd be in Nicodranas soon, before they went to sea for the peace treaty. She didn't want to go to sea without being with her family, being herself, one last time. Just in case. You could never trust water. 

Caleb finally lowered the joined form back down. He nodded to Jester, and she got out her diamond to cast greater restoration. Caduceus' family stood close to each other, hugging, holding hands, waiting to see what would happen. Caduceus knelt beside her, ready. The stone form took life, and screamed in pain. Cad cast as strong a healing on her as he could manage, and her cries turned to gasps. Corrin looked around wildly, locking eyes with her niefling, slowly recognizing her surroundings. 

"Hi, Aunt Corrin." Caduceus had tears in his eyes. "How do you feel?"

"Well I've certainly felt better." She grumbled. "But by the looks of things, I could be much worse." She smiled and embraced him. Caleb and Jester moved back to make room for the rest of the Clays.

"Caleb! Caleb!" Jester whispered. "I did that!" She pointed to the pile of firbolg family hugging on the ground.

"You did. You are a _ very _good cleric, Ms. Lavorre. You should be proud of yourself. I am very proud of you."

"Caleb?"

"Ja?"

"When did Caduceus get that skirt? I LOVE it!"

"Me too." Caleb agreed with a tiny quirk of his lips. 

Caduceus Clay had his family together again. All of them. He didn't know where to look or who to hold next. He felt for the first time in many, many seasons, like things were going to be alright, like he would be alright. He finally got to his feet and wrapped his arms around Caleb's shoulders and rested his chin on Caleb's head. Corrin smiled. She was right, and Calliope had just lost her bet. Corrin would be getting a hand-woven sweater this winter. 

"It looks like we have everyone." Fjord observed. Should we...start getting the Clays home?"

Caleb cleared his throat. Right. That was the next part. "I, ah, I can have the circle ready in about 10 minutes."

"You're gonna teleport us back to the Bone Orchard?!" Clarabelle asked, impressed. 

"Well, not all the way. I am afraid I am not that skilled--"

Corrin cut him off. "Excuse me, but I appear to have just gotten back from the dead. I need a bath, a hot meal, and a pot of tea with some good company before I go anywhere." 

Constance laughed. "Glad to see your personality hasn't suffered."

* * *

The breakfast and bath we're easy enough to get, especially as Eremis Stone joined them, adding to the available food and directing any interested parties to the functional bath house. Nothing too elaborate. Mostly it was a subterranean hot spring with a stone wall for some privacy. It would do just fine for a hot bath for a "tired old lady." Constance and Calliope joined her, while Colton took a walk with his father, discussing where these crystal roots should be planted and what they would need to do when they got home. 

Clarabelle took Cad's hand. "Wanna see the bugs I've met?!" 

"Always" Caduceus answered. 

"You can bring Mr. Caleb if you want. Does he like bugs?"

"I am more of a cat person, but I do appreciate bugs. They are very useful." Caleb said. 

"Cats? We have cats at home. Sort of. They live around the Grove. Feral. Good for hunting mice."

Caleb brightened. "My cat is an excellent hunter! Very important for their health, to keep up their hunting skills, even house cats."

"Is your cat here? Can I meet them?"

"Well, Frumpkin is a monkey right now, but still a very good cat. The best." Caleb bamfed Frumpkin onto Clarabelle's shoulder, to her shock and delight. 

"He's weird, Caduceus. I like him. Come on! Come meet my bugs!"

* * *

The three were flipping through Clarabelle's notebook, which was positively packed with sketches of bugs, forest creatures in varying stages of decay, and all manner of interesting fungi. Frumpkin climbed between Cad and Clarabelle, picking at their hair or covering eyes with his hands, causing innocuous mischief, before eventually returning to Caleb. Caduceus held a jar containing the little biome Belle had created for her friends. There were quite a few, all very happy in their home. Her excitement for learning and sharing her knowledge endeared her to Caleb, and as he could find interest in just about anything if someone was willing to teach him, he almost felt alright when Corrin joined them, and asked to steal Caduceus.

"I need a good pot of tea, and for that I will need to steal them away from you. Caduceus has much to catch me up on." Corrin said, holding out a hand to Cad. It was a warm gesture, but also a request for help. She found she was somewhat unsteady. Her body would never move in the way it used to, and it would take her time to adjust. Cad practically jumped to offer their arm for support.

"I wish we could have done more, to help. I hope you are not in too much pain." Caleb said, looking away.

Corrin waved him off. "I have been through much worse, and I have been given a gift. A little stiffness around the middle is a small price to pay for my life. Come visit us in the hut when Belle is done with her natural history lesson." 

Corrin and Cad strolled the short walk to their hut and Caleb watched them go. He looked back down at the sketchbook. "This one looks like it had whiskers. Tell me about this one."

* * *

Corrin settled into her chair, Caduceus at her feet, breathing in the aroma of tea. 

"I've missed you so much." Caduceus admitted. 

"Well don't do it anymore, little beetle. I'm right here." She ruffled her niefling's hair. "Besides, you have been on quite the adventure while I was away. You couldn't have had that much time to miss your dotty old aunt."

"Recently, lots of adventures, yeah. Was a...long time before that, though..." Cad sipped their tea, going quiet.

"Oh. Caduceus, I'm sorry. I knew…. I should have stayed behind, not you. How many seasons?" Corrin asked softly. 

"I don't know. I think...I lost count around 17." 

Corrin scratched Caduceus' back. "Too long, especially for one so young. I am so sorry, Caduceus."

"No. I think it was good. In the long run. Not easy, but good. I was supposed to meet them. Especially Caleb."

"Your firefly? He's very special to you, I can tell. I wasn't sure what to expect, if I should expect anything, when I dreamed of you coming with company."

Caduceus couldn't help but smile. Corrin gave everyone a nickname, and they were always perfect. Cad didn't know if Caleb would like it, but that was fine. They could just keep it between themself and Corrin. Cad sighed, their cheek on their knee, looking wistful. "I love him, Aunt Corrin. I love all of them. They're family, as much as...as you or Clarabelle. But Caleb is, I think he is my, that is, I want him to be my mate. I feel _ whole _ with him. He feels safe with me, and nothing ever seems to make Caleb feel safe. He trusts me, and when I get stuck in my head he gets me back out. He's not bothered by my…. Caduceus-ness. And I get this…" Caduceus pressed a hand to their chest, trying to puzzle out how to say what they felt in words. "Things are...right. when I have him, in ways they weren't right when I was alone."

Corrin nodded. "I think I understand."

"Is that what it was like with Kallos?"

"Kallos and I... everyone's path is different, scarab. But yes. I felt very much like that with Kallos." Corrin combed through Cad's hair. 

"Did you tell her? What it meant to you? I don't think Caleb uses the same words we do. And he's seen...a lot of loss. I think that kind of permanence scares him."

“Eventually, yes. We celebrated our union in our own way. But I never laid it on my shoulders to meet the expectations of others the way you do. What has you so worried, I wonder.”

“Colton brought it up. Calliope too, though less bluntly. She understands, I think.”

“You know Colton isn’t careful with his words, Caduceus. He’s never made a lot of effort to understand those who aren’t like him. He doesn’t mean harm, but you shouldn’t let his words hold too tight a grasp on your heart.”

“It’s just, maybe he’s right. I have responsibilities at home and Caleb_ is _a human. Unless something happens because of that brilliant wizard brain of his, I'll lose him. I'll bury him in the Grove before I'm dad's age. And he’s not really religious, which I think is fine, wonderful. He is on a good path. But I’m supposed to serve Melora as a maker of fine graves. I’m a Clay. I’m supposed to take care of the Bone Orchard and that should be enough.” Tears started to gather in Cad’s eyes. “So why can’t I go back?”

Corrin took a deep breath. “Because that is not your path, Caduceus.”

  
  


* * *

"So." Clarabelle was lying on her stomach, watching the little world inside her jar. "Are you coming home with us? That's what our dad did when mom chose him as her mate."

Caleb raised his eyebrows, looking up from his notebook. "I….ah. I cannot go back with you. I have things I need to take care of. As Caduceus would say, my journey is far from over." He wasn’t sure how to answer this question, or the implication of the second part.

"But what about Caduceus? You _ are _ his mate. Right? I mean the way he acts with you? And you touched his ear like...You’re..." she laughed, and tried to explain to him like she would to a child. “He picked you, you’re special to him. Mates are a big deal to us. We don’t separate from them easily.”

Caleb blushed fiercely. He looked around for any rescue, finding absolutely no one. He leaned on his own ignorance. "I'm afraid I don’t know much about that." Nila was the only firbolg he’d met with a mate. He realized how very lacking his understanding must seem. That creeping feeling that he had stolen something precious from Caduceus wormed into his gut again. Cad was supposed to have a life-long partner, and here Caleb was, just a mess who distracted Caduceus from his own path. 

“Oh.” Clarabelle chewed her lip, unscrewing the lid of the jar and bringing out a snail to crawl over her hand. “Well, um. Do you have parents, Mr. Caleb? Do they live together?”

“I...did. Yes. They ah, they died when I was young. They loved each other very much. We were a close family. Just the three of us.”

Caleb struggled through the words. He didn’t know why he was bothering to tell Caduceus’ baby sister anything about his family, except that the Clays understood death, and seemed to have few relationships outside of family. No wonder this reunion had Caduceus so off his footing. He’d just gotten used to having friends, and now he was back in the somewhat nearsighted embrace of family.

“Okay, okay. That’s...okay, we’ll work with that.” Clarabelle paused. “ I’m sorry you don’t have them with you anymore.”

“As am I. But please...um...you were saying something.” Caleb was not ready to talk more in depth about that loss with anyone. It was hard enough when he had to do so with Caduceus.  
“So, a mate is like that, like parents who love each other a lot--like a gross amount a lot. It’s someone you choose that is closer than your family. They’re like, a part of you. You’re still _ you _ of course. My dad’s still an absolute dork and we love him for it, and my mom’s still a brilliant healer, but they’re part of each other, and they have something between them that’s just theirs. If that makes sense.”   
Caleb didn’t really know how to respond to that. He felt instantly overwhelmed by that level of love and commitment, which of course he wanted with Caduceus. But that their interactions had made Cad’s family think they had already decided--did the Clays decide on mates, or was that something they felt the Wildmother did? Caleb was starting to get lost in his head. 

Clarabelle just shrugged. “I never thought Caduceus was the type to find a mate. But I think I like you, Mr. Caleb. Caduceus is happy with you. I’ve never seen him this happy, and I really like that. So, whatever you are, you can stay. And thanks for listening to me. Not a lot of people want to listen when I get excited about bugs and moss and stuff. I get carried away.” 

Caleb put his book down. “I think I like you too.” He said, smiling at the snail on her hand. “And if I didn’t like bugs and moss I don’t think I could have fallen in love with your brother. I will come visit the Grove, though I cannot go there now. I can bring you more books on your skittery friends, and you can meet my cat when he is not a monkey.”

“I’d really like that Mr. Caleb.”

* * *

“But it’s....that’s what I’m supposed to do.”

“We’ve talked about how I feel about that word, Caduceus."

"I... know. It's just. I don't know _ what _ to do. We're leaving today, and I don't know if I'm going home with you or staying home with Caleb, and if I stay, I should be able to tell them why. We did things kinda backwards and Calliope already thinks he's my mate, but I can't just shove Caleb into something he's not ready for just to make everyone feel better about it."

"No. That wouldn't be fair to either of you. What do you think Caleb wants?"

"He asked me to stay, this morning. He felt bad about it. I could tell he was trying not to. He said he didn’t want to get in my way, but he’s not in my way. We...wanted to make the most of the time we had left last night, and all I think it did was make me need him more." Cad blushed. "Sorry. I don't mean to overshare. He's just. It's…"

Corrin laughed. "No need to apologise. I promise you, I've heard plenty more--too much, frankly--from your mother. But I would be fine if we skip the details. You need Caleb. He needs you. That hasn't changed even being around Belle, or me, or your parents. Caleb asked you to stay. You think, and I want to point out here, Caduceus, that you haven’t asked what your family wants. You have guessed out of fear. But you think that your family needs you to go back to the Blooming Grove.”

Caduceus nodded, listening. They put their head on Corrin’s knee, and she smoothed their hair back. 

“But my dear one, tell me, what do you want? Take a moment to envision it, and tell me what you see.”

Cad closed their eyes and breathed deeply.

“I see myself with Caleb. With my friends. Facing down their adversaries. Keeping them safe. Protecting them.” The thought of that filled them with a kind of hope that overrode any anxiety they had about the dangers inherent in that task. “And when that season is over, I see myself going home with Caleb. Maybe...not to the Grove, but not far off. Maybe to our own place.” Cad opened their eyes and turned to face Corrin. “I’m not who I used to be anymore.”

Corrin beamed. “You are not. You are much more.”

“But I still love the Blooming Grove. And I still want to serve Melora.”

“Who says you have stopped?”

“No one.” Caduceus looked down sheepishly.

“Who is Melora?”

“The Wildmother.”

“And what part of that are you forgetting?” Corrin jibed. This was a familiar call and response for Cad.

“Wild.”

“Exactly. Be wild, scarab. Do what your heart tells you. Worry a little less about getting it right. Worry a little less in general. You know the way better than you think you do.” She bent to kiss her niefling’s head, stopped by the stiffness in her body. Caduceus stood up and kissed her forehead instead, pulling up a chair beside hers. 

“I love you. Can I ask you one more thing?”

“Anything as long as you don’t mind the answer.”

“Did you ever regret falling in love with someone for so short a time?”

“Caduceus, if I had only gotten a day with Kallos, I wouldn’t change a thing.”

Caduceus nodded. “That’s how I feel about Caleb.”

“Then you know your answer. And I will be there to help, when you tell your parents goodbye. You don’t have to have a name for what you feel for Caleb. You know where you need to go, and that is enough.”

* * *

Caleb took off from Clarabelle just as it seemed her other siblings might be coming to join them. He needed a break. This was _ a lot _of people interacting, a lot of talk about families. He found some strength in being able to support Caduceus, and he did like Cad’s family, but it was almost too much. He needed space. He was supposed to go see Cad and Corrin. He didn’t feel up for another interaction like that. He decided to walk the outer wall of the cavern, buying himself approximately 23 minutes of quiet. He bamfed Frumpkin into his arms, carrying the little monkey almost like a child. His fingers scratched into the fur, considerably less soft than cat-Frumpkin, but still grounding. He tried breathing. Counting. His head was mostly clear by the time he reached their hut--Corrin’s hut, he reminded himself. He sent Frumpkin back to his little pocket dimension and opened the door.

“Caleb!” Caduceus beamed at him, sitting at the table beside Corrin. There was one chair open still. Clearly intended for Caleb. He steadied himself for the next wave of boyfriend-questions. The nice thing about being kept a secret in all of your romantic relationships was no one ever asked you to meet their families. Being open had suddenly brought Caleb into the spotlight in a most uncomfortable way.

“Mr. Caleb, you look exhausted. May I pour you some tea?” Corrin gestured to the pot of tea and the spare cup. 

“Oh, I am fine. I, ah, I always look exhausted. I have resting exhausted face, I have been told.” 

Caduceus gave him a sidelong look. That might have been partially true, but it was also clearly a cover.

“Clarabelle is very inquisitive, and she doesn’t really know what is and is not her business. That’s our fault. When you only know your family, and your family is the Clays…” Corrin shook her head with a smile, and passed the tea to Caleb. “We can be a lot for anyone, but especially for significant others, I’m afraid.”

Caleb felt relief at not having to explain himself to her. She didn’t seem to have questions to ask, just, space for him to be. Like Cad had said. He was grateful.

“Do you need to take a break Cay? We can make time for you to go read or take a nap if you want.” 

“Nein. I will be alright. We will have some time once we get to Nicodranas, I think. It will be good to see the ocean again.”

Corrin piped up. “The ocean is wonderful for the brain. Vast and strange and drowning out everything but itself. Soothing. I haven’t been in ages!” Caleb fully believed that statement. Her appreciation voiced a lot of his own though. “Do you like the ocean, Caduceus?”

“I did. Until it tried to drown me with it several times. I think you and Caleb have a bit more fondness than I do.”

“You just need to give it another chance.” Caleb grinned at his partner. “I wouldn’t let anything happen to you.”

“You nearly floated away without noticing. I’m not so sure you’d see me in time to stop something from happening.”

“I--that is--I knew very well where I was.”

“Which is why you needed my help to find your clothes?”

Caleb blushed and sipped his tea. Corrin smirked, watching them. She liked this playfulness. Caduceus needed that. But there was also a seriousness to Caleb, she guessed part of that was the grief Caduceus mentioned. Caleb carried it plainly, even without meaning to. Part of it was towards Caduceus though. Caleb loved his partner more than playfully. 

“Cad, is there anything you need before we go. I think we may need to start rounding up the troops soon.” Caleb’s hand strayed towards Cad’s. “I was thinking you should take the book with you. I know…I know you cannot read the words, but the pictures are there still.”

“Caduceus.” Corrin raised an eyebrow at Cad, and they nodded back, taking Caleb’s hand. “I’m not going back to the Grove, Cay.” 

Caleb’s face lit up for a moment, before he reined himself back in. “I do not want to take you from your path--”

“You aren’t, Caleb. Corrin helped me realize that. I’m on my path.” Cad kissed Caleb softly, and Caleb’s eyes fluttered shut. Corrin poured another cup of tea and studied her fingernails.

“Thank you.” Caleb whispered. He shook his head and looked at Corrin, a bit embarrassed. “And thank you, and I’m sorry? And, ah...for the room. Thank you for that too.” He hadn’t meant to forget she was there. She just made it so easy to feel at home. 

Corrin laughed. “I see what you mean, Caduceus.”

Cad grinned. Caleb was adorable when flustered. 

“No need to thank me, Caleb. Caduceus is the dearest person in the world to me. Just continue loving them as you already do. That is all I ask.”

“Ja, I can manage that.”

* * *

“Come along, Clays!” Caleb was sending their large troupe through his teleportation circle as fast as he could. Of course, getting Cad’s family to all move in one direction quickly was like herding cats. If he weren’t worried about losing someone or part of someone in the spell, he’d find that amusing. 

Between Jester’s communication, and Cad’s insistence on paying for his family to stay at the Broken Stool, the Clays were set for two weeks in Uthodurn, with Reani escorting them back to the Blooming Grove as soon as she was able. Cad’s family took off to their rooms to get settled in. Caduceus still had not told them he wasn’t going back. He hadn’t actually told the Nein either. 

“We won’t leave without you.” Caleb promised. 

Caduceus nodded. “It’s just...hard to say. I know it’s the right choice. I just hate choosing. Someone’s always going to be disappointed.” 

“Ja. I understand that. Are you sure, you want to stay with us? I will not be angry if you change your mi--”

“I’m sure.” Caduceus answered instantly. He cleared his throat. “Guys, I’m...gonna go say goodbye to my family. Be back in a little bit?”

“You’re coming with us?!?!” Jester was jumping where she stood.

“We’ll be here.” Fjord assured with a smile.

“Fuckin’ good. I was not up for dealing with Caleb’s mopey ass being mopier than usual.” Caleb gave Beau a sharp glare.

“Tell me I'm wrong.” She dared. He couldn’t.

Caduceus squeezed Caleb’s hand and went upstairs.

“You’re not going with him?” Nott asked.

“Should I? I feel like I have had enough of my partner’s family for one day. They are...a lot.”

“I like them.” Yasha said quietly.

“I like Cad’s big sister.” Beau grinned.

“Of course you do.” Fjord rolled his eyes.

* * *

“Settling in alright?” Caduceus asked. Aunt Corrin had put her few belongings into her room and was in Cad’s parents’ room, along with Colton. The siblings were all taking one together, but Colton was feeling he needed to be with the older folks. He felt like he needed to make up for not solving the problem of the Grove by making some sort of plans for their return. Cad had a feeling his input was being taken more to save his pride than anything. 

“We are!” Cornelius answered. “We were just talking about you. Wondering when you’d be up.”

“Well, I came,” Caduceus cleared their throat, eyes darting to Aunt Corrin. “I came to say goodbye. I’m not coming home, not yet.”

Cornelius looked perplexed. “You’re not?”  
“I’m sorry. Dad, I’m so sorry. I want to go with you, but I still have a lot to do on this journey. These people have done so much for me, I still owe them so much, and Melora has given me a path here…” Cad paused. He saw his mother’s knowing sadness, and Corrin’s strong gaze. _ Tell the whole truth. _ “They’re family too. Differently. But family. And I can’t leave Caleb. He’s my...person. I will come home, but not yet.” Cad fell quiet, biting his lip, afraid to look at any of them. Corrin was smiling, proud of him for saying it. 

Constance got up first, and hugged Caduceus as tight as she could. When she let go, she held their face in her hands. “You love him?”

“Very much.”

“He loves you?”

“Very much too.”

She kissed Cad’s forehead. “Then that’s where you need to go.” She hugged him again. “I’m going to miss you so much. I knew. I knew if anyone was going to be able to do this, to save us, it would be you.”

Cornelius was standing beside her. “That means you’re her favorite right now.” he whispered.

“I didn’t say that.”

“It’ll be so hard not to tell the others that.” Cad said mischievously.

“I didn’t say that.” His mother repeated.

“Be safe.” Cornelius hugged Caduceus and kissed their cheek. “Come home when you’re ready, and bring Caleb. He’s always welcome.”

Cad nodded. “I will.”

Corrin was next, and for a moment, they just held each other. “I’ll take care of them. Don’t worry.”

“I trust you.” Cad said. “Thank you. For everything.”

“Thank _ you. _ And thank your friend Jester. If it wasn’t for her, I wouldn’t be here. I will need to send her a thank you.”

“Maybe they’ll come back with me. At least some of them. And you could give her a thank you then.”

“Maybe.”

“I hope at least they might, when the time comes. Like Kallos. I think they’d grow beautifully in the garden.” Cad paused. “I would _ never _tell any of them that.”

Corrin laughed. “Naturally. That’s what you have us for.”

She stepped aside to let Colton say goodbye. He was looking rather dejected in the corner. Cad opened their arms for an awkward hug.

“Take care, brother.” Colton muttered.

“You too.” Cad replied.

Calliope came into the room. “So this is where you all are--why is everyone hugging Caduceus? Oh. You’re staying, aren’t you?” 

Cad nodded, a little teary eyed, but smiling. “Because of Caleb?”

Cad nodded again. 

“Get over here you big, romantic idiot.” Calliope hugged him tight. Caduceus whispered in her ear. “Don’t forget the flute. Tonight. He’ll never see it coming.”

“You got it” she whispered back.

Caduceus let go, and looked around at his family. “Where’s Clarabelle?” 

“Next room over. The bugs wanted her attention or something.”

Cad knocked on the doorframe, peeking their head into the room. “Belle?” She was kneeling in the corner, gathering some bug friends into a new jar. She turned to look at them.

“Caduceus!” Her smile faded a little. “You have the look of someone who is going away.”

Cad nodded. “I’m sorry. It’s not forever.”

She shook her head. “I know that. I kinda figured. You need to stay with Mr. Caleb.”

“Who told you?”

“I guessed it when I was talking to him. Is he your mate? I asked him but he didn’t know what that meant.”

Cad hid the frustration on his face. He had wondered what had Caleb so overwhelmed when he’d come back to the hut. Leave it to Clarabelle to bring up the things he wasn’t ready to talk to Caleb about.

“I love him, and he loves me. We’re still...figuring out the rest. But he is something like that.”

“You won’t forget about us, right?”

“Oh, Belle, never.” Cad pulled their sister into a hug. “And we’ll come see you as soon as we can. Here, I got you a present.”

They pulled out the straw hat they’d made from their bag, dropping it on her head. She was nearly lost in it. She shifted it back so her eyes peeked through. “It smells weird. I love it.“

“Thank you.”

“Here, I was getting something for you too.”

She brought out the jar she had been filling. It was alive with beetles and other friendly crawlers. She had already started a collection of moss and mushrooms growing for them inside.

“Beautiful. I love it. I’ll take good care of them.” Cad hugged her again and kissed her forehead. “Be safe. Keep the trouble to a minimum.” 

“I’ll try.” She promised.

* * *

Caduceus returned to their friends to find Caleb surrounded by his parents. 

“I’m sorry, Caduceus.” His mom said. “I just, I had to say goodbye to your..._ person _ too.” Constance was trying to make use of her child’s word. “Caleb, dear, you’re always welcome at the Grove.” Caleb nodded, visibly shaken by the enormous hug Constance had given him, before receiving another from Cornelius. He handed Caleb a small pouch. “Smoked hazelnuts. Caduceus loves them, but make sure you tell him to share.”

“J-j-ja. Um. Thank you.” Caleb looked desperately at Caduceus.

“Mom, dad. We’ve got to go. Thank you. Safe travels.” They kissed them both again before ushering them back up the stairs. Cad turned back to the Mighty Nein. “Shall we?”

Caleb nodded and started for the door, not really waiting for anyone else.

In an alleyway to the side of the inn, Caleb began preparing his circle for the second jump. Caduceus and Beau stood nearest to him.

“Cad.”

“Yeah?”

“You have...A LOT of siblings.”

Caduceus shrugged.”Big family.”

“Your parents fuuuuuuuck.” Beau observed, as if this were an anomaly. Caduceus didn’t see what was weird about it.

“I know. It was a small house.”

“I--wow.” Beau was taken aback by how casual he was about this. “We’re gonna unpack that later.”

“What’s to unpack. It’s natural.”

“No...no we’re gonna unpack that.”

Caleb laughed to himself. Gods he loved that firbolg.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ooo! Some headcanons have emerged:
> 
> -Masc/enby Caduceus  
The switching between pronouns is intentional. Cad is okay with he/hims, but feels more connected to they/thems, which get used with people who know this about Caduceus or recognize it. In the stream, we've seen Caduceus literally forget gender, joining "girls" conversations, and generally just floating about. I feel that we could all use some more masc/enby representation, so here's my contribution. More in the coming chapter.
> 
> -ACE/Lesbian Corrin  
You get the idea. I'm here for her. Everyone deserves a good gay aunt to support you in your self discovery quest. Her distinctions between her relationship and Caduceus' generally have to do with her lack of interest in a sexual relationship, while still being romantically inclined.
> 
> -Colton is kinda a dick. Sorry if he's a personal fave of yours. We see glimpses of him being a bit traditional with his being the oldest male, wanting to be the hero, etc. There's nothing particularly wrong with that, but it also makes for a good set up of why, of all the siblings, Cad seems to have the most distant relationship with him.
> 
> Writing these family dynamics took a lot of work and revision. That coupled with what has been a pretty bad bout of depression really hampered my progress. The next chapter I'll be back on more familiar footing writing the Mighty Nein sans 6 additional Clays, which should help me speed up the writing, provided I can push through this funk. Chapter 27 will be our last in-canon chapter, with Chapter 28 being the epilogue. Thank you so much for reading!  
Comments are especially appreciated right now. My brain is low on internal encouragement, and I'll take all the positive external input I can get. 
> 
> Also, this fic is now a year old?! Wild. Be well, lovelies!


End file.
